Struggling with guilt

[brillo447]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half and we are crazy in love with each other. We have an amazing relationship despite the fact that college and other life circumstances have kept us long distance for most of our relationship. For the year and a half that we have been together, we have spent almost a year of that apart from each other which actually has made us incredibly close. He is the most amazing guy i have ever met and treats me so good. He often talks about getting married and our life together.

 

Ive always been a big drinker while in college but I have never done anything I have regretted. Until last weekend.... I dont know why, or what i drank that made me this way but i blacked out around 12 oclock. i wake up at 1pm the next day to find myself in one of my good guy friends bed. We had always flirted but i never had intentions of doing anything with him. I specifically asked him if we had sex and he said yes. A girl friend of mine was there and assured me that I did. She also told me that i was completely drunk. I have literally no recollection of the entire night and Im struggling back and forth with the guilt. Of course i feel bad, yet i dont remember it whatsoever.

 

 

I wish i could go back to last weekend and take it back but obviously I cant. Is it worth breaking my boyfriends heart over something I regret 100%, dont remember, and would never let happen again? It would crush him, and i dont think things would ever be the same. I love him more than anything.

 

I dont know what to do, does anyone have advice?

[troubadour333]

I wouldnt be able to keep it from him if it were me... to much guilt to take on. I would suk it up and take responsibility for what I did. Maybe over time he can forgive you.

[Bryanp]

Either you have honesty and openness in your relations or lies and deceit. The choice is yours. You need to be checked for STD's since you had unprotected sex. At the very least you need to tell the truth to your boyfriend or you are still disrespecting him. If I were you I would wonder if somebody put something in your drink.

 

I think the real reason you do not want to tell your boyfriend is not that it will break his heart but that you do not wish to take responsibility or suffer any consequences for your actions. If you truly love him then you will tell him the truth and allow him to decide how he wishes to proceed. If you do not tell him that you are just a typical manipulator. The choice is yours.

[brillo447]

I am not a "typical manipulator"

 

I have spent the last almost TWO years across the country from him and have never had intentions of hurting him or cheating on him.

 

I suffer everyday from this mistake i have made. I dont know how i got so drunk but the fact is that I didn't go out that night hoping to end up in someones bed. I have been nothing but faithful and one drunken night leaves me feeling disgusting everyday.

 

I am asking...

 

do you think it is worth breaking his heart (because it would) over something i don't remember doing. I am willing to take responsibility for my actions. The worst part is though, is that theres NO way to tell him to his face, and that doesnt seem right. I love him and respect him so much, i cant do this to him.

[Cecelius]

do you think it is worth breaking his heart (because it would) over something i don't remember doing.

 

Sometimes the right thing to do is hard -- it's still the right thing

 

I am willing to take responsibility for my actions.

 

How would you be taking responsibility for this if you do not tell him? Will you cease drinking completely, for all time, unless your b/f is there? Will you get rid of this "good" male friend of yours?

 

I love him and respect him so much, i cant do this to him.

 

Honestly, the only way I can see to get out of this without telling your b/f is to break up with him -- if he's not in the relationship under false pretenses then he can't object in principle.

[Michael86]

Ive always been a big drinker while in college but I have never done anything I have regretted. Until last weekend.... I dont know why, or what i drank that made me this way but i blacked out around 12 oclock. i wake up at 1pm the next day to find myself in one of my good guy friends bed. We had always flirted but i never had intentions of doing anything with him. I specifically asked him if we had sex and he said yes. A girl friend of mine was there and assured me that I did. She also told me that i was completely drunk. I have literally no recollection of the entire night and Im struggling back and forth with the guilt. Of course i feel bad, yet i dont remember it whatsoever.

 

You might want to consider not drinking anymore - especially when you're boyfriend's not around. You may have been so drunk that you didn't mean for anything to happen, but you put yourself in that situation to begin with. As for telling him, it's better if it comes from you than for him to find out from someone else about what happened that night.

[Guest]

I have never heard so much bad advise in my life. Obviously most of the people responding here have been cheated on and want to deal out marital justice to everyone else who has messed up.

 

My advise: You can only hurt him by telling him. Quit drinking so much. I'm going out a limb here and thinking this is not the first time you have awaken in someones bed with out memories of the previous night.

 

If this is the guy for you, make an effort to see him more than once a year. Dedicate yourself to your life together. Telling him will only put one more miserable person on this forum to hand out bad advise to those stupid enough to take it.

 

Good luck....

[Spectre]

do you think it is worth breaking his heart (because it would) over something i don't remember doing. I am willing to take responsibility for my actions. The worst part is though, is that theres NO way to tell him to his face, and that doesnt seem right. I love him and respect him so much, i cant do this to him.

 

Stop right there. Do I think it is worth breaking his heart? Yes, I do. Who cares if you dont remember it? the guy who banged you sure as hell does.

 

Dont cop out on the fact that you cant see him as an excuse not to tell him.

 

 

You love and respect him way too much? If that was true, you wouldnt of been out getting so wasted that you ended up screwing some guy. That is the bottom line.

 

If you cannot tell this guy the truth, you do not deserve to be with him. If you could actually make him look like a fool by not telling him? then you do NOT love him and you sure as hell dont respect him.

 

Dont be the typical braindead chick who convinces herself not telling her bf is the right thing to do. Oh, and yeah: if you dont tell him you are a typical manipulator. Because guess what? Now youre bf isnt with you by choice, YOU are dictating this relationship and you really have no right to do so. You deserve to be dumped, let this serve as a lesson.

 

If you cant tell him, you fall under the same category as those other sad people who BS themselves into thinking they are doing their partner a service by not telling them about their skanky behavior.

 

Dont be a hypocrit, if you truly loved this man, truly respected him? You would be telling him. Its sad when people cheat, but its down right pathetic when someone keeps their partner in the dark about something this serious. Do not talk about respect, you dont know the meaning of the word.

 

I feel sorry for your bf, cuz I can tell by your posts you arent gonna say anything. Sometimes being hurt is better than being a blind fool.

 

 

oh, and dont listen to the dipsh*t above me, anyone who puts lying above honestly doesnt know jack about love.

[brillo447]

Spectre, I appreciate your input. However, you know nothing about me and you have no idea that I will not tell my bf. If i was sure i wasnt going to tell him I wouldn't have bothered posting in the first place. I would have shoved it in the back of my memory and gone about my life.

 

Judging by your post, i get the impression that you have never made a big mistake in your life.

 

Since you know nothing about me except that i have been unfaithful once, Yea maybe to you I am another "brain dead chick." And yea I will agree, my behavior was "skanky"... Oh yes, and the "guy who banged me"...he feels pretty terrible too since im having a hard time living with myself. Like I said, it was a very drunken MISTAKE that im trying to deal with.

 

Maybe you got cheated on and are still very bitter, which is understandable (or maybe you just havnt gotten laid in a long time) I don't know.

 

I hope for your sake that the next time you make a terrible mistake and seek advice before making any HUGE, life changing decisions, someone doesn't try to make you feel like a bigger piece of **** than you already do.

 

thanks for the advice

[Bryanp]

I believe the bottom line is whether or not you believe that your boyfriend deserves to know after being involved in over a year relationship with you that one night you got drunk and slept with another guy. Seriously how you answer this question says a great deal about your character and your belief in the concept of honesty in a relationship. You can make up all the rationalizations in the world but the bottom line is whether you have a relationship based on honesty and respect or deceit and disrespect. I think down deep you know what is right and what is the right thing to do. I wish you luck.

[Cecelius]

Admittedly some of the comments on this board are going to be very, very harsh --not because everyone has a previous cheating chip on their shoulder or has never done something wrong. I can't speak for women, or all men, but I suspect that for most men this is hitting them exactly in the worst spot possible -- sexual fidelity by your girl is, at least in my book, more important than almost anything.

 

next up to that is not being blindly in a relationship with someone who has cheated on you -- it really gets you where you live, and the idea that stories like this exist tends to encourage men, generally, into two places: fearful insecurity (tolerable on a girl, forbidden to men) or protected coldness -- I know that in my own qualification process is a minimum 5 year period prior to marriage just because you never know what might be happening...

 

Anyway, the noble, upstanding thing to do would be to tell him, if you want to stay with him -- if it becomes bad later on, you can always break up with him. On the other hand, you can break up with him now and avoid the issue. But yes, if you ever cared about him at all, you'll treat him like a man and not like a kid who can't make a decision about his own life.

[lovelorcet]

Maybe you got cheated on and are still very bitter, which is understandable (or maybe you just havnt gotten laid in a long time) I don't know.

 

 

What are you trying to achieve by making comments like this? Don't play the poor me card...

 

You messed up, you can either deal with this like a responsible person or remain what you you are now. This is your fault, the fact that you don't remember doesn't make a difference... You also have an alcohol problem that you need to start to deal with because jumping into bed with some guy and not remembering is not normal.

[nicki]

Hey, Brillo....Sorry to hear that you are hurting over this. I'm sure you are very scared that your boyfriend will break up with you if he finds out what happened.

 

He may, but he just may forgive you if you come completely clean. Tell him. Offer to get help for alcohol addiction. It's not normal to have blackouts or forget things when drunk....that's a sign of alcoholism (even if you rarely drink.) You may also have a sensitivity to alcohol.

 

Of course, you must take full responsibility for the cheating, no matter the circumstances.

 

He may be more willing to forgive you if he knows that you are going to get treatment. That's a very active step.

 

It will take some time to rebuild trust, but please let HIM decide if it's something HE wants to do. Discuss what specific things you can do to rebuild your credibility. These things could include giving him your email and phone passwords so he can check up on you to make sure you are telling the truth. You (temporarily) will have no right to privacy, but you will give him tons of security by doing this.

 

Anyway, I don't see any way around telling him. The guilt will eat you up, and eventually you may start mistrusting HIM because you can't handle the feelings.

 

Just muster up the courage, take a deep breath, and tell him.

[Stuck]

Get help for your drinking. Admit to yourself that it's not healthy, and stop it. Let's face it, you're not doing yourself any good by getting completely wasted. Next time, it could be a lot, lot worse (you decide to drive somewhere, you get raped...the possibilities are endless...). You made a mistake - don't do it again. Telling your boyfriend, if this is the person you love and want to be with, is not going to help anyone.

 

Test yourself for diseases, quit (or at the very least limit) your drinking, put this behind you, and move on.

[Spectre]

Spectre, I appreciate your input. However, you know nothing about me and you have no idea that I will not tell my bf.

 

so you're going to, right?

 

If i was sure i wasnt going to tell him I wouldn't have bothered posting in the first place. I would have shoved it in the back of my memory and gone about my life.

 

if you were going to tell him, you wouldnt of posted something as retarded as "do you think he deserves to be heart broken?! " bla bla bla. Dont talk about respect.

 

Judging by your post, i get the impression that you have never made a big mistake in your life.

 

I have, but i own up to them. dont be a damn coward, own up to your sh*t, or just dump your bf. Dont try to turn this around on me.

 

Since you know nothing about me except that i have been unfaithful once, Yea maybe to you I am another "brain dead chick." And yea I will agree, my behavior was "skanky"... Oh yes, and the "guy who banged me"...he feels pretty terrible too since im having a hard time living with myself. Like I said, it was a very drunken MISTAKE that im trying to deal with.

 

who cares? none of this matters. the fact that your bang buddy feels bad? irrelevant. what matters is that you dont keep your bf in the dark. stop trying to play the mistake card, you dont mistakenly have sex with someone. you shouldnt of been getting wasted at some party without your bf anyways. Dealing with this mistake means telling your bf. it doesnt mean feeling bad, it doesnt mean asking the other guy if he feels bad. its also hilarious you felt it was ok to talk to this man again.

 

bottom line: if you respect your bf, tell him. if you dont, then leave him. but dont spread BS about withholding info to spare him. he deserves to know.

 

Maybe you got cheated on and are still very bitter, which is understandable (or maybe you just havnt gotten laid in a long time) I don't know.

 

yeah, ive been cheated on. what made it worse is that she kept it from me for a long ass time. you keep saying i dont know you, i dont need to know you. i didnt know hitler either, yet i still know he was a bad guy. im not bitter, it just pisses me off to see people like you ruining a guys life cuz you dont have the balls to fess up to your "mistakes" and blaming it on alcohol. nobody shoved the booze down your throat, nobody removed your clothes for you. you did it all on your own. fess up or dont talk about respect.

 

I hope for your sake that the next time you make a terrible mistake and seek advice before making any HUGE, life changing decisions, someone doesn't try to make you feel like a bigger piece of **** than you already do.

 

Frankly, cheaters need to hear this. people shouldnt be trying to make you feel better, they should be telling you to stfu and tell your bf. See, your initial post bothered me, but then the whole thing about respect and not wanting to hurt him so you shouldnt tell him just crossed the line. how can you claim to love someone you could keep in the dark about this?

 

honestly? if you can stay with this guy, and not tell him? you dont love him at all, so it isnt really that big a decision is it? see, i understand it being hard, of course it will be. but dont bring the cliche " i wanna spare them pain" because you should of been worrying about that while removing your clothes for some guy

 

put up or shut up honey, you dont deserve kindness.

 

so i want to know. have you told him? are you going to tell him? prove me wrong, tell me you are going to, i would love for that to happen. dont listen to the retards who tell you not to tell him. again: if you could be with him and not tell him? and not feel so much guilt it changes the relationship anyways? then he isnt the one for you. if he IS the one for you, he will forgive you. but you dont get to dictate someones life, thats incredibly selfish and self centered. mistake or not- own up to it

 

but again, i know you wont lol. i pity your bf.

[Spectre]

Telling your boyfriend, if this is the person you love and want to be with, is not going to help anyone.

 

Test yourself for diseases, quit (or at the very least limit) your drinking, put this behind you, and move on.

 

 

this is the advice you want to try to avoid. who does it help?

 

it helps her bf from wasting his life with a person who lied and betrayed him in the worst possibly way. it helps her bf from being with her under false pretenses. feeling bad and getting help is not enough in this case.

 

if they were meant to be, she wouldnt be getting plastered around other dudes while she has a bf.

[unsafe]

You should tell him!!!!!!

 

He deserves to know. You would want to know right? You wouldn't want to end up marrying some guy who cheated on your weither he remembers it or not. And find out later. He will find out. I bet he can tell something is wrong already when you talk. When you cheat you can't hide it especially when you feel guilty about it.

 

Tell him, tell him exactly everything that you remember and feel. Tell him From now on no more getting drunk at parties without him. Tell him you will stay away from this guy to make him more comfortable if he decides to stay with you.

 

Anything with Betrayal in it, never has a happy ending.

 

Yeah it will break his heart. But it would break his heart more to find out about it later. He will find out!

 

You do have to deal with the consquences of your actions. Weither or not you remember or not. Maybe someone did drug you? Maybe the guy you slept with? Or maybe you flirt with him and you like his attention and you missed attention since your man is long distance. And you took it.

 

Tell him! He is a great guy right? Then treat him right!

[brillo447]

I told him everything was not ok and that i had to break it off for a while. He doesn't understand because everything seems perfect. He wants to come here this weekend and i will tell him everything then. I couldn't do it over the phone its just not right. I hope that he will understand the circumstances and forgive me but i wont blame him if he doesn't. I hate myself for this.

 

Some of you gave really good advice. some were very judgmental. I think you should keep giving your opinions but maybe skip the name calling and bashing. things are already hard enough. spectre i think that even though you may not agree you cant judge a persons entire character by one thing they have done. I wasn't sure if i should tell him or not because i've never cheated or been cheated on. Hopefully this works out for the best, thanks for the advice everyone

[brillo447]

actually...in case anyone was wondering. i told him everything. I was going to wait until i saw him in person but i ended up telling him on the phone instead because i didn't want to wait. He has already forgiven me. He knows i would never do anything like that on purpose and he said that something like this is not worth losing what we have.

Things work out how they're supposed to i guess.

[Bryanp]

It sounds like you have a really great guy. I do hope you appreciate it and realize how truly lucky you are.

[Spectre]

Some of you gave really good advice. some were very judgmental. I think you should keep giving your opinions but maybe skip the name calling and bashing. things are already hard enough. spectre i think that even though you may not agree you cant judge a persons entire character by one thing they have done. I wasn't sure if i should tell him or not because i've never cheated or been cheated on. Hopefully this works out for the best, thanks for the advice everyone

 

I judge people by the way they treat people they care about. The thing that ticked me off was the cliche "i wanna spare him pain" deal. That is what pisses people off. It is insane to come here saying you shouldnt tell him cuz you dont wanna break his heart. Honesty is the number 1 thing a relationship needs. If you were worried about telling him, fine. But dont try to excuse yourself from doing it under the guise of protecting him. My main problem is when people make up BS excuses for why they did things. 99% of people do that here.

 

 

Its cool he forgave you, but I do have to say: anyone else find this odd? It wouldnt be the first time someone has forgiven cheating, but it seemed like he forgave you awfully quick. I dont know if everything is actually ok, it just seems a bit weird to me thats all. He might be hiding his pain, which will only ruin the relationship.

 

Not to burst your bubble, but i think its a bad sign he forgave you so very quickly. No guy is that understanding, something fishy is going on.

 

Also, I have to ask: The guy you slept with, he is permanently 100% out of your life, correct? as in no hanging out, no chatting on the phone or online, etc? cuz that is a must.

 

Dont forget never to get wasted around other guys again as well.

[Marienna]

Ok... ask yourself this:

 

If the situation were reversed, would you want to know? Of course you would.

 

If you love him like you say you do, give him the information he needs - so he can decide what's best for 'him'... it's the least you can do. He has the right to know what's going on in his relationship.