A chance to be happy again!!

[confusedinIL]

I need some serious help. I am a married man who is in a failing and loveless marriage. I have known this for 4 years now, and after we started marriage counseling my wife has also admitted the problems.

Here is my huge problem. I started talking to a woman at work ,for about 13 months now and we never had a problem talking about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I have listen to her cry about not seeing her children as often as she would like( she is a single mom who works way to much)

we have talked about her past boyfriends, her current home ,her parents, EVERYTHING one could talk about we did. Now, about 6 weeks ago I went for another job, went to work the following day to clear out my locker and meet the same women I came to know as a very close friend. I told her that I went for another job, and was clearing out my locker because.............. Now here the confusing part. We both agreed that a man and a woman could be friends and not cross that LINE of FRIENDSHIP , where two people became lovers and that friendship thing would be lost. But once I mentioned that I was leaving for another job, she told me " she would miss me" which I replied I would miss her. Then she said "she was staying at this job because of me' , which I really did not want to her . Then she said " if I was not married, we could have had something happen" Granted, after looking back at the of the comments she made over the last year, I was blind sided by the comments she made, specially after I did have feeling for her but NEVER told her. (Just to keep things clear,HER comments were said 5 weeks ago.). Four weeks ago, we sat in the lunch room and talked about what she said, she told me she liked me and I admitted to liking her. All along I was telling my wife EVERYTHING, with the execption of that last sentence. And all along I was keeping a journal of my feelings. I think you can see where I am going with this next sentence, YES I LET THIS WOMAN READ WHAT I WAS THINKING, ALL OF IT. She was offended by some of my statements and we faught and didn't talk for about 10 days.

I finally found the balls to approach her and try to find out what she was thinking. She was still very angry, but not about my thoughts, but about me avoiding her and not speaking to her. That blew my mind !!!!!!

After this conversation, I told her I was sorry for not being there to explain what she read and how I came to write what I wrote. And I also told her I was embarassed that two mature friends could not get through this without understanding each others feelings. I also said that I was afriad of losing her friendship( which I was given a huge hug and a little peck on the cheek for). As time went by we continued to talk but with less emotions and less feelings. Two weeks ago, I did visit her at ther ohter job. (Yeah I know, was not a good idea). While I was there, a common friend of ours also came in. We sat and talked, This woman I am writing about took her dinner break and her actual dinner and shared that same dinner with me. The following day she stated that our friend thought I really really liked her( the woman I am writing about). I had a hard time with this responce because I didn't think I was ready to tell her my actually feeling. But, and this is a big BUT, I took her by her hand, sat her done and told her everything. I told her I didn't feel this way about another woman ever, not even with my current wife. DUM ?????

I thought I noticed a tear rolling her cheek.???????? But she said it was just a lash in her eye. As time went by nothing was ever mentioned again PERIOD. NOTHING. She has never said anything about her feelings. The only thing she did say was I needed to finish what ever I needed to finish at home. I also have noticed some of her friends at work looking at me differently, and talking to me differently. Now my question is this, how do I get her to admitt her feelings to me. I have been to her home and prefer not to mention this at work but in a more private setting. If I can give you a little history on her it would be this: she went through a very rough divorce, a couple of very rough and demanding boyfriends( one of which did abuse her) she has very little self esteem, very hard on herself( yes blames herself for a failed marriage) thinks of herself as pretty much a worthless person, a person that can never finish anything. I see her as a outgoing person with a great personelity, Funny, smart, sexy with beautiful blue eyes. Does anyone her think I over read something from her comments, or does anyone her think that she thinks she has beaten off more then she can handle? Recently I asked her if she would ever re marry. Her responce was DIFFERENT form her previous answer, this time she said she would. Can anyone help me her. Anything, any bit of information would be helpful. Please, all the women her "WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK?" Should I just walk away. Please help!!!!!!!!!!

[norajane]

Oh, yes, absolutely you should walk away!! You're jerking her around while you're still married and supposedly working on your marriage in counseling. WTF?

 

Now my question is this, how do I get her to admitt her feelings to me.

You can't. She's smarter than to tell you anything while you're still married. She doesn't want to be the Other Woman. She's been hurt before and doesn't want this to go any further while you're still married. You have nothing to offer her.

 

The only thing she did say was I needed to finish what ever I needed to finish at home.

She's given you some very good advice there. Now be a man and leave her alone while you work on your marriage. Or, be a man and end your marriage. Either way, leave her alone since you actually have nothing to offer her. You certainly can't marry her under the circumstances, and she won't see you while you're married - smart girl.

 

 

 

You'll get more people reading your posts if you break up your huge blocks of text into paragraphs. It's hard to read as it is.

[confusedinIL]

Thanks norajane

Thats good advice, but a little petty dont you think.

 

I never initiated ANYTHING.

I never ask for someone to tell me, "If you weren't married, I know we could have had something"

I never search her out for breaks or lunches.

I never told her anything about my feelings until she she said something FIRST.

 

"She's been hurt before and doesn't want this to go any further while you're still married." I know that, I stated that in my post. If I had any intentions of hurting her, I would not be here asking for help from other women. I know my marriage is over, and that is pretty fricking sad to say after spending 18 years with someone.