herenow Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I think you are confused my relationship with him in the beginning was not suppose to be like this. It was going to be a FWB things on both sides. I was also in a previous relationship. The relationship developed , neither one was expecting it or planned it. I know im going to get attack for saying that but it is true. I don't think anyone is attacking you, I know that I'm trying to understand you. I really don't understand how the OW can live with only a portion of someone they supposedly love. Don't you feel you deserve more? That is why I came here, to try and understand the OW point of view. This is the most civil conversation I have had because most OW just want to justify their actions and not really answer why. If the OW would gives us a chance and some answers without calling us bitter, we wouldn't attack you. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I have to go live my life now. I wish you all well. I'll be back soon to contiune my quest for understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted November 1, 2006 Author Share Posted November 1, 2006 I don't think anyone is attacking you, I know that I'm trying to understand you. I really don't understand how the OW can live with only a portion of someone they supposedly love. Don't you feel you deserve more? That is why I came here, to try and understand the OW point of view. This is the most civil conversation I have had because most OW just want to justify their actions and not really answer why. If the OW would gives us a chance and some answers without calling us bitter, we wouldn't attack you. You are right this is the most civil a BS has been with me..Yes i do feel i deserve more thats why im here. As for someone attacking yes i was attacked ( someone was very cruel , rude and made some very uncalled for comments regarding my cancer issues). Comments has also been made about my character because of thw way him and i met. I never said it was the right way. Just stated how it happened. Its very hard being in this situtation , but the love, we have for eachother is what makes us go on. Its not easy for him either. I see that. But we both have decided to put the kids first and then we will have our time. We are making it work. I asked him if he wanted the marriage to work , go to counseling etc...We broke up at one point when we got caught. Neither one wants counseling ( again they both agree over) Neither one wants anymore of the marriage then for the kids. I dont agree with it , but i deal. They married because she got pregnant and it was the right thing to do at the time. Like i said before divorce was mentioned BEFORE me. We are and have been back together , people including her have noticed he has changed ( happier) and have commented about it. Deep down we think she knows i have never been out of the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
greeneyes78 Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 I'd suggest stop defending youself. This thread started with "he cares for me enough to want to be there for me" and somehow developed into "he's manipulating you and is using you because he's needy". It takes some creativity to spin things around with such a negative twist. You might as well consult with a girlfriend or someone close to you... anything on this board will only meet with critisism. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 I'd suggest stop defending youself. This thread started with "he cares for me enough to want to be there for me" and somehow developed into "he's manipulating you and is using you because he's needy". It takes some creativity to spin things around with such a negative twist. You might as well consult with a girlfriend or someone close to you... anything on this board will only meet with critisism. Thanks your so right....There is no need to defend myself or the relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 If i remember correctly the KIDS are 14 and 16. Who stays together for 14 and 16 year olds? The kids are more than old enough to handle it. If the marriage is over then the kids need to see a healthy relationship not dysfunction. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 I don't think there is any good age for kids to deal with their folks splitting up. Each age has it's own set of problems, but I think early teens and mid teens is a difficult age to begin with, especially if the kids are girls. Remember though, kids ALWAYS blame themselves when their folks get divorced so hopefully if this situation ever gets resolved (if they get divorced) everybody together can put those kids first and make them feel loved and secure. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 I don't think there is any good age for kids to deal with their folks splitting up. Each age has it's own set of problems, but I think early teens and mid teens is a difficult age to begin with, especially if the kids are girls. Remember though, kids ALWAYS blame themselves when their folks get divorced so hopefully if this situation ever gets resolved (if they get divorced) everybody together can put those kids first and make them feel loved and secure. The kids will feel that way even when they are 25. I had a friend break down in front of me crying when he found out his parents were only waiting for him to get out of grad school. They told him that they had been waiting to do it since he was 12!!!!!! If this is what you want to be doing, yousaveme, have at it. If those kids are now 14 and 16, you will have nearly a decade. Can you wait that long? Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 If i remember correctly the KIDS are 14 and 16. Who stays together for 14 and 16 year olds? The kids are more than old enough to handle it. If the marriage is over then the kids need to see a healthy relationship not dysfunction. I agree they need to see a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 I don't think there is any good age for kids to deal with their folks splitting up. Each age has it's own set of problems, but I think early teens and mid teens is a difficult age to begin with, especially if the kids are girls. Remember though, kids ALWAYS blame themselves when their folks get divorced so hopefully if this situation ever gets resolved (if they get divorced) everybody together can put those kids first and make them feel loved and secure. That has been the worry with them being young teens... And yes we have discuss that when this happen the kids will be the primary focus. They are now. And always will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 The kids will feel that way even when they are 25. I had a friend break down in front of me crying when he found out his parents were only waiting for him to get out of grad school. They told him that they had been waiting to do it since he was 12!!!!!! If this is what you want to be doing, yousaveme, have at it. If those kids are now 14 and 16, you will have nearly a decade. Can you wait that long? No it will not be a decade. They are in early teens but not those ages..I am aware that they will be hurt no matter what age. There are some factors that they think would be best for the kids when they believe their focus will not be totally effective. These kids are everyone primary concern. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 If i remember correctly the KIDS are 14 and 16. Who stays together for 14 and 16 year olds? The kids are more than old enough to handle it. If the marriage is over then the kids need to see a healthy relationship not dysfunction. I have to say I totally agree with this but everyone thinks differently, don't they? I was unhappy with my partner of 8 years and thought it better for my son if we split than for him to grow up in an unhappy household but then not everyone sees it the same. My now ex-MM has stayed with his W for the sake of the kids who are of similar ages, well, mainly for his daughter who is 15. He has been unhappy in his relationship for a long time, as he thought his W was, although it appears she is now making an effort to makes things work. It's not ideal for him but it's the way it has to be and I sincerely hope him and his W can work things out for the best. His daughter had a lot of emotional problems, some to do with the discover of our A, and he always told me he would leave once she was happy and secure again. Now she is ok though he has admitted he can't leave as he is scared of rocking the boat and upsetting her all over again. That's when I decided enough was enough. I personally don't think he is doing the right thing for his kids but then again I don't know them. If that's how he feels then I have to accept that and respect his decision. Of course, it could all be one big excuse but no ones knows apart from him! At least he isn't stringing me along. I told him that his kids love him and would just want to see him happy but as far as he's concerned, they don't know how he feels about me, don't see Mum and Dad shouting and screaming at each other so assume everything's ok. I think he's kidding himself. My Dad was unhappy with my Mum for years and I always knew it however hard they tried to hide it. To be honest, it was a relief for me when my Dad finally left. I thought my Mum deserved better than to be with someone who didn't love her. Still, as I said before, I guess we all see things differently. Just my personal opinion. Everyone has to do what they have to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 I have to say I totally agree with this but everyone thinks differently, don't they? I was unhappy with my partner of 8 years and thought it better for my son if we split than for him to grow up in an unhappy household but then not everyone sees it the same. My now ex-MM has stayed with his W for the sake of the kids who are of similar ages, well, mainly for his daughter who is 15. He has been unhappy in his relationship for a long time, as he thought his W was, although it appears she is now making an effort to makes things work. It's not ideal for him but it's the way it has to be and I sincerely hope him and his W can work things out for the best. His daughter had a lot of emotional problems, some to do with the discover of our A, and he always told me he would leave once she was happy and secure again. Now she is ok though he has admitted he can't leave as he is scared of rocking the boat and upsetting her all over again. That's when I decided enough was enough. I personally don't think he is doing the right thing for his kids but then again I don't know them. If that's how he feels then I have to accept that and respect his decision. Of course, it could all be one big excuse but no ones knows apart from him! At least he isn't stringing me along. I told him that his kids love him and would just want to see him happy but as far as he's concerned, they don't know how he feels about me, don't see Mum and Dad shouting and screaming at each other so assume everything's ok. I think he's kidding himself. My Dad was unhappy with my Mum for years and I always knew it however hard they tried to hide it. To be honest, it was a relief for me when my Dad finally left. I thought my Mum deserved better than to be with someone who didn't love her. Still, as I said before, I guess we all see things differently. Just my personal opinion. Everyone has to do what they have to do. Thanks i am respecting his decision. I might not agree with it totally but i do understand to a certain point. I do know ( no doubt in my mind) he is only there for the kids and nothing more. His wife knows this also. She has said it and accepted it for the time being for the kids... Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 Thanks i am respecting his decision. I might not agree with it totally but i do understand to a certain point. I do know ( no doubt in my mind) he is only there for the kids and nothing more. His wife knows this also. She has said it and accepted it for the time being for the kids... Hey yousaveme, I went to a meeting after I posted my last post on the other thread. I just got back and now it's gone. I can't PM you to ask what happened, but I didn't think I was being rude. I really am here for a reason and it's not to bash OW. Did you think I was attacking you? I know this is getting off subject, but I don't know how else to ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 Hey yousaveme, I went to a meeting after I posted my last post on the other thread. I just got back and now it's gone. I can't PM you to ask what happened, but I didn't think I was being rude. I really am here for a reason and it's not to bash OW. Did you think I was attacking you? I know this is getting off subject, but I don't know how else to ask. The thread was removed by the mod. For the fighting that started up again ( certain poster). I'm sorry but i did feel that you did chime in when that poster ( i rather not mention names) attacked me. I dont mind talking to you about my situtation. Understanding and supporting is fine , thats what we are all here for. When it gets out of hand and people feel they need to project their anger on others it is uncalled for and wrong. I hope you understand this... I hope we can be civil this time around... Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 The thread was removed by the mod. For the fighting that started up again ( certain poster). I'm sorry but i did feel that you did chime in when that poster ( i rather not mention names) attacked me. I dont mind talking to you about my situtation. Understanding and supporting is fine , thats what we are all here for. When it gets out of hand and people feel they need to project their anger on others it is uncalled for and wrong. I hope you understand this... I hope we can be civil this time around... OK, civil it is. Yes, I did chime in because I do understand what she is going through and I agree with her views. You are right, we are here to be civil and try and understand. Believe me, I really want to, but I can't promise that I won't tell you how I feel and I'm sure you will do the same. Sometimes you get more from the opposite view than you do from someone just agreeing with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 OK, civil it is. Yes, I did chime in because I do understand what she is going through and I agree with her views. You are right, we are here to be civil and try and understand. Believe me, I really want to, but I can't promise that I won't tell you how I feel and I'm sure you will do the same. Sometimes you get more from the opposite view than you do from someone just agreeing with you. Not agreeing is fine..I dont mind that. How else do we learn form eachother. Personal attacks are uncalled for, and that was what was started and continued... So lets try civil, okay Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 Not agreeing is fine..I dont mind that. How else do we learn form eachother. Personal attacks are uncalled for, and that was what was started and continued... So lets try civil, okay The truth is, we are all here because one way or another we have been affected by an affair. We all have questions that we hope can be answered. Personally, I wouldn't waste my time here if it was just a lot of betrayed women like myself. I fully understand my situation, why it happened, and what I need to do to make my marriage stonger. I'm just taking it to the next step in trying to get into the mind of the OW so I won't feel the hatred that I do. I don't like that feeling and this is an attempt to let go of it. So, if I was to start a new thread asking OW why they get involved with MM, do you think I would get honest responses? Link to post Share on other sites
Buttaflyy Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 The truth is, we are all here because one way or another we have been affected by an affair. We all have questions that we hope can be answered. Personally, I wouldn't waste my time here if it was just a lot of betrayed women like myself. I fully understand my situation, why it happened, and what I need to do to make my marriage stonger. I'm just taking it to the next step in trying to get into the mind of the OW so I won't feel the hatred that I do. I don't like that feeling and this is an attempt to let go of it. So, if I was to start a new thread asking OW why they get involved with MM, do you think I would get honest responses? Herenow, since I am unable to PM you I have no choice but to tell you in this way. The answer to your question is probably NO. Search the subject of the thread you named and you will see that this has been done plenty times before. Usually, it ends up a really big arguing ball of confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 The truth is, we are all here because one way or another we have been affected by an affair. We all have questions that we hope can be answered. Personally, I wouldn't waste my time here if it was just a lot of betrayed women like myself. I fully understand my situation, why it happened, and what I need to do to make my marriage stonger. I'm just taking it to the next step in trying to get into the mind of the OW so I won't feel the hatred that I do. I don't like that feeling and this is an attempt to let go of it. So, if I was to start a new thread asking OW why they get involved with MM, do you think I would get honest responses? I think you would as long as the other side doesnt get nasty...We all think about the other people involved..It just that every persons situtation is different i think thats the part everyone needs to remember. What is your story? What answers are you looking for really? If you have a question go ahead and ask , i can only give an answer that applies to my situtation... Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 I think you would as long as the other side doesnt get nasty...We all think about the other people involved..It just that every persons situtation is different i think thats the part everyone needs to remember. What is your story? What answers are you looking for really? If you have a question go ahead and ask , i can only give an answer that applies to my situtation... I will start a thread and if it gets nasty we can just abandon it, but you have my word, I will try my best to remain civil. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 I will start a thread and if it gets nasty we can just abandon it, but you have my word, I will try my best to remain civil. Great, i will also...Thanks We can try it Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 I will start a thread and if it gets nasty we can just abandon it, but you have my word, I will try my best to remain civil. Let me know when you start it... Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted November 2, 2006 Share Posted November 2, 2006 Let me know when you start it... It's called please be civil, but I spelled please wrong. Oops! Link to post Share on other sites
Author yousaveme Posted November 2, 2006 Author Share Posted November 2, 2006 It's called please be civil, but I spelled please wrong. Oops! I responded Link to post Share on other sites
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