are we just friends?

[bearhug]

kinda long story, here we go

 

My friend and i have known eachother for about a year. I met her after a major breakup and probably seemed a little weird and desperate at the time. It took awhile for me to straiten out my life but things have been relatively normal for awhile. Ive been very close with her for about three months now and some weeks we will spend most of our free time together. She sleeps at my place once in awhile. we haven't had sex or even kissed but we get very close with eachother. I really like hanging out with her and don't really care if we become more than friends.

At this point most people think we are going out or atleast fooling around. her boyfriend (she has a BF, me no GF) isnt happy with me or our relationship and they fight about it alot. I have told her to back off and fix things with him but she says its none of his business. She seems to say and do things that make people think we are more than friends but when i ask her if thats what she wants she always says no.

things were fine until she found out about me and a girl ive been seeing lately. her reaction was like a jealous girlfriend. she seemed to get upset at the idea of me spending time with another girl. two months ago she also acted very "girlfriendy" in front of a girl i told her i liked. so much that the girl didn't believe me when i said we were just friends. does she want to be more than a friend or is she just afraid i will not spend time with her? oR AM I missing something?

[monkey00]

things were fine until she found out about me and a girl ive been seeing lately. her reaction was like a jealous girlfriend. she seemed to get upset at the idea of me spending time with another girl. two months ago she also acted very "girlfriendy" in front of a girl i told her i liked. so much that the girl didn't believe me when i said we were just friends. does she want to be more than a friend or is she just afraid i will not spend time with her? oR AM I missing something?

 

I think its both. Certain girls are more prone to jealousy than others, whether it means you checking out other girls, especially their friends.

 

particularly in this case, the other girl = competition for your friend. And your friend knows, she knows if the both of you hit off you'll spend less time with her, which means less attention..less everything.

[noclobber]

Actually there is not much confusion here.

 

Focus on this one sentence, her WORDS:

 

She seems to say and do things that make people think we are more than friends but when i ask her if thats what she wants she always says no.

 

So she herself has told that there is nothing more than friendship. Add that to the fact that she also has a boyfriend.

 

Having said that I also got to say that her ACTIONS are telling a whole different story.

 

In other words her ACTIONS and WORDS are not congruent. You need to be very very careful with these type of women.

 

I have been in this type of situation and my advice to you is this -> If you have feelings for this girl please please back-off and don't spend so much time together. If you don't have feelings and you are fine with having her as just a good friend then carry on.

 

I would suggest that you distance yourself from her.... She may do and say girlfriendy things and in the end may not want you. So please put yourself first and take care of your heart.

[Sand&Water]

Bearhug,

 

Question: Do you want her just as a friend, or a girlfriend?

 

It seems, to me, you are allowing the situation to expand into romantic territory. Unless, you only view her as a close friend and nothing more, you should remove yourself.

 

Respecting her, also includes respecting her boyfriend, and everything else in her life.

 

Plain and simple outlook: She is clingying very tightly to you, because of the close interaction experienced in the last couple of months.

 

You are providing her, with far more adrenaline, romance, and connection than her current boyfriend. As a result, she is restraining you on a leash short enough for her liking.

 

I suggest, you slowly pull back. Removing yourself from the situation, unnoticeably without much drama. Let it fade out. Thus she'll understand that she, indeed, had been clingy.

 

Woman's Point of View.

Sand&Water

[guest]

i would say that if we had not become close as friends i would want her as a gf. at this point she is definatly more friend than anything else. we had "the talk" but her actions seemed to not change. why does she act jealous and seem to want to give others the impression we are more than friends? Is she testing the waters of public opinion?

[noclobber]

Bearhug,

 

Question: Do you want her just as a friend, or a girlfriend?

 

It seems, to me, you are allowing the situation to expand into romantic territory. Unless, you only view her as a close friend and nothing more, you should remove yourself.

 

Respecting her, also includes respecting her boyfriend, and everything else in her life.

 

Plain and simple outlook: She is clingying very tightly to you, because of the close interaction experienced in the last couple of months.

 

You are providing her, with far more adrenaline, romance, and connection than her current boyfriend. As a result, she is restraining you on a leash short enough for her liking.

 

I suggest, you slowly pull back. Removing yourself from the situation, unnoticeably without much drama. Let it fade out. Thus she'll understand that she, indeed, had been clingy.

 

Woman's Point of View.

Sand&Water

 

I really like your insight, I think it's spot on!

 

Can you please explaing more about these type of situations for the benefit of the guys? I have experienced something like this and it sent me on a tail-spin. In my case the girl wanted to hang out with me (just the 2 of us) so much, said sentences like "i miss you", "you are breaking my heart", "i don't know what i would do without you"... but she doesn't want me as a boyfriend.

 

I have some questions and it would be great if you can answer them:

 

1) What is going on in these type of situations? Is the woman only using the guy for her own selfish purposes? Is the friendship complete bogus and only a tool for the girl to use the guy?

 

2) What exactly is the girl getting from this? I think since nothing is happening at the physical level the girl in question can easily escape with the cop out statement -> "We are just friends. I am hanging out a lot with you because I like you a lot as a friend".

 

3) Does the girl know what she is doing and what's going on or is she conflicted about her feelings and ends up using the guy subconsciously? Is this a deliberate act or is she acting out of ignorance?

 

4) Does the girl like the guy a lot? I can't imagine a girl treating her guy friend like a boyfriend without actually liking him.

 

5) Lastly, what's the best thing for the guy to do?

[Guest]

i am going out on a weak limb and saying that she does like bearhugs more than a friend. what stops her from going further and actually telling him is probably fear. i would say that she probably needs some sort reassurance that he will reciprocate her actions. it sounds like their both playing it safe. bearhugs, have you asked her close friends what she wants? if she said she wanted more than a friend i think you would feel differently about your relationship. maybe you have a few fears of your own

[noclobber]

i am going out on a weak limb and saying that she does like bearhugs more than a friend. what stops her from going further and actually telling him is probably fear. i would say that she probably needs some sort reassurance that he will reciprocate her actions. it sounds like their both playing it safe. bearhugs, have you asked her close friends what she wants? if she said she wanted more than a friend i think you would feel differently about your relationship. maybe you have a few fears of your own

 

When he asked whether they were more than friends she said "no".

 

So I don't understand what makes you say that she likes him as more than friends?

[Guest]

When he asked whether they were more than friends she said "no".

 

So I don't understand what makes you say that she likes him as more than friends?

 

I've been the girl in bear hugs situation. Actions speak louder than words. why did she say she liked him only as a friend? My guess is that, like me, she wasn't ready to tell him or leave her BF for that matter. I don't think their are bad intentions in these kinds of relationships. I just think it gets harder and the decisions to move to the next level are taken more seriously because of the friendship. Most relationships become sexual before they become intimate and we confuse the two things when were younger. she (and bear hug) sounds young or at least inexperienced.

[bearhug]

she did reply no to my question of wether or not she wanted to be more than friends. i also askd her why she acted certain ways when were out. she told me that she didn't do it on purpose and that people just assume things even when she or me denies it. her answer to alot of my questions seem weak to me but i don't want to push her away as a friend by getting upset at this. she is a good friend and we have spent alot of time talking

[Storyrider]

How old is this girl?

 

I knew a few girls like this in their late teens or early twenties. The old fashioned name for such a girl is a prick tease. I think it is an immaturity and insecurity thing that a lot of these types eventually outgrow.

 

If she is the type I think, she will get a feeling of power and dominance by stringing you along. She wants you to be uncertain about where you stand with her as that will keep you interested longer. It gives her power over her boyfriend also if it makes him jealous and over the other girls who are interested in you if they feel intimidated. Overall, it is a winning situation for her. It makes her feel superior and attractive while not having to get emotionally intimate.

 

I went to school with a girl like this and she had three or four young men she was stringing along in this way. Some of them she was genuinely attracted to. Others, she didn't even like but just enjoyed the attention. She would reel them in and out like a spider. If another girl showed interest in a guy she would suddenly be all over him. Then she would become cold and distant toward him to keep him guessing.

 

She referred to them as "spineless wimp boys" behind their backs.

[noclobber]

How old is this girl?

 

I knew a few girls like this in their late teens or early twenties. The old fashioned name for such a girl is a prick tease. I think it is an immaturity and insecurity thing that a lot of these types eventually outgrow.

 

If she is the type I think, she will get a feeling of power and dominance by stringing you along. She wants you to be uncertain about where you stand with her as that will keep you interested longer. It gives her power over her boyfriend also if it makes him jealous and over the other girls who are interested in you if they feel intimidated. Overall, it is a winning situation for her. It makes her feel superior and attractive while not having to get emotionally intimate.

 

I went to school with a girl like this and she had three or four young men she was stringing along in this way. Some of them she was genuinely attracted to. Others, she didn't even like but just enjoyed the attention. She would reel them in and out like a spider. If another girl showed interest in a guy she would suddenly be all over him. Then she would become cold and distant toward him to keep him guessing.

 

She referred to them as "spineless wimp boys" behind their backs.

 

In the OP's situation she clearly says "no" whenever he talks about more than friends. So I don't think she is stringing him along. If that was her intention she would be giving vague answers rather than a definite "no".

[Guest]

noclobber u make things sound so cut and dry. If relationships were that easy these forums would not exist. Bear hug I think you need to walk away from ur situation to get a better perspective. She does sound young and probably needs to grow up a little. It takes time, good communication and maturity to make any relationship work, friend or otherwise. Also u shouldn't place too much emphasis on any one relationship. If the woman u are seeing becomes more serious with u the problems ur having will naturally take care of themselves.

[Sand&Water]

Reply:

 

Noclobber: You pose several solid questions.

 

In reality, every situation is different. Yet, I believe many men stumble on the tiny crumbs women leave behind rather than focus their attention on the whole picture -the texture, colors, composition, proportion, and atmosphere.

 

Do stop me, in my tracks, if you sense that one particular part of my synopsis doesn't make sense or fit well together.

 

Is the woman only using the guy for her own selfish purposes? Phrases: "I miss you", "you are breaking my heart", and "i don't know what i would do without you".

 

Selfish purposes, is just another variant of "Coping with the hard times of romance, love, and relationships" for women -or at least for this woman.

 

Your female friend, is essentially extracting every little pure, youthful, delicious ounce of confidence from you to feed her worries, and pains from life's unexpected events. As long as you have something valuable [not sexual favours, or physical attraction] she will cling onto it like a spider. Money, time, attention, or even indulge in self-pity, to say the least.

 

Does the girl like the guy a lot?

 

Most likely, deep down in her heart, she does like you. But, she doesn't expose her intimate parts. She jokes, teases, avoids, denies if anyone confronts her about her true feelings. She is running after you, for her own reasons.

 

The surprise of her life will come when she realizes that when a woman runs after a man for something else other than a romantic relationship -feelings and attachment will arise over time, and entail learn an educational lesson about using another human being for the greater benefits.

 

In the end, she won't be able to separate her internal emotions from her personal desires. This is what causes, women, to lose their indentities.

 

what's the best thing for the guy to do?

 

There is, absolutely, nothing you can do. Other than, to keep your money and emotions in check.

 

Sooner or later -and I hope it is sooner -she will unearth the truth on her own. The guilt, will eat her insides out. If not, karma will work its magic.

 

You must draw, a thick line, between a platonic and romantic relationship.

Don't allow women to step all over you -i.e. doormat approach.

Apologies, bearhug, for the hijack. Perhaps, this can be relevant to your situation. It is afterall, within the same arena.

 

I'm just saying.

 

Woman's Point of View.

Sand&Water

[Storyrider]

In other words her ACTIONS and WORDS are not congruent. You need to be very very careful with these type of women

.

 

Noclobber, in your statement above, you note that she is sending mixed messages. She is telling him No with her words, but she is telling him, and her boyfriend, and other girls, that she is interested through her body language and behavior. If she is doing this knowingly then she is manipulating him.

[monkey00]

noclobber u make things sound so cut and dry. If relationships were that easy these forums would not exist. Bear hug I think you need to walk away from ur situation to get a better perspective. She does sound young and probably needs to grow up a little. It takes time, good communication and maturity to make any relationship work, friend or otherwise. Also u shouldn't place too much emphasis on any one relationship. If the woman u are seeing becomes more serious with u the problems ur having will naturally take care of themselves.

 

That's true, distance either helps people grow, whether it may mean growing apart.

However i doubt it'll be the case for him if it works out with that girl. Because as long as his gal pal is still in the picture, she will be there to sabotage his relationships. True, mature friends dont do that, but she is! She's clearly too immature/selfish to handle a friendship, what makes you think she'll be mature enough to handle being your gf?

 

As someone stated earlier she could be trying to keep you on a tight leash and keep her bf by claiming you're just her friend. If she really wanted to be your gf she would have broken up with her bf. or then again, she might be waiting for you to make a move.

 

Noclobber, in your statement above, you note that she is sending mixed messages. She is telling him No with her words, but she is telling him, and her boyfriend, and other girls, that she is interested through her body language and behavior. If she is doing this knowingly then she is manipulating him.

manipulation is one way of putting it. In most cases guys are better off watching a girl's body language VS her words. Body language does not hide what words try to.

Women are smart this way, when choosing potential mates, they always pay close attention to his body language from beginning to end.

[bearhug]

Im not an expert at the body language thing. when you say watch her body language what do you mean? we are close in many ways including the fact we sleep in the same bed sometimes. i lived with a girl for 2 years so being in a bed with the opp sex doesn't feel weird. my new SO seems to be ok with this. and ive cut down on the sleepover thing with this girl. what am i looking for or trying to avoid body language wise. it would feel weird if we didnt touch eachother it has always been a way to "communicate" with us.

one other note. i was invited to an important family function by her. it ended up being cancelled and i found out later that her bf was not invited. her brother who i see occasionally even asked me if i was dating her when he found out. they are very close so it thru me off quite a bit. telling him we were just friends made him seem upset. ??

[confusedinIL]

bearhug,

 

I am going through the same situation as you are, and the BEST help anyone can give you at this piont in time is to create a little space between you and this woman. I have been told repeatedly that some women( I always thought the guy would have a difficult time) have a hard to conveying thier true feelings, in fear of being rejected or fear of having a truthful relationship??????? I don't know. But, if you can find a way to create some space, use that time to rethink what she has said and what you are HEARING and then think about your feelings. Then think about moving closer to her if you feel she is being honest and you can be truthful to yourself. If these feeling are true, time and space will only help you better undrstand what she is saying.

 

Good Luck

[noclobber]

noclobber u make things sound so cut and dry. If relationships were that easy these forums would not exist.

 

I am sorry but I am not saying that relationships are easy.

 

What I am trying to say is this girl has said "no" when he talked about relationship. And usually when a girl is not interested, she is just not interested is it not?

 

However there is also this case of her words not matching with her actions. So yes I do admit that I made a mistake in dismissing his case as too simple because she already said "no". My apologies.

 

These type of situations are really complex and frustrating because we have a woman that is talking in two languages.

 

I am very interested in knowing what's going on in the woman's mind in these type of situations. Does she know what she is doing or is she in denial of her feelings? That's the reason I asked S&W so many questions. Feel free to provide your input as well.

[Guest]

bearhug,

 

I have been told repeatedly that some women( I always thought the guy would have a difficult time) have a hard to conveying thier true feelings, in fear of being rejected or fear of having a truthful relationship?

 

if thats the case how do you get a woman, or man for that matter, to tell you there true feelings. If they are showing signs of something more with body languge or whatever else when is the right time to ask for the "truth. I am in a situation with someone where they say all yhe right things a BF should say but act indifferent in most situations when others are around. In bearhugs case i would be more prone to see her wanting more just by the actions she takes. Is it ok to talk with someone about fears of rejection or is that just something that will scare them off.

 

Ive used the "lets just be friends" line in the past and usually regretted it later. I would say that a young woman usually knows what she wants but takes awhile to be strong enough to admit it to herself. Relationships with the OS are difficult at the best of times. Even harder with someone you really care about. Bearhug i wwould say you've got more than a friend on your hands so just be kind and patient

 

good luck

[noclobber]

I've been the girl in bear hugs situation. Actions speak louder than words. why did she say she liked him only as a friend? My guess is that, like me, she wasn't ready to tell him or leave her BF for that matter. I don't think their are bad intentions in these kinds of relationships. I just think it gets harder and the decisions to move to the next level are taken more seriously because of the friendship. Most relationships become sexual before they become intimate and we confuse the two things when were younger. she (and bear hug) sounds young or at least inexperienced.

 

Guest,

 

I just now saw this post. So you have been in this situation. It's great to hear this because you can very clearly give your perspective from the woman's point of view.

 

Can you please help us all by telling us what exactly was going on in your mind... Is it something like you liked him a lot but told him "no" due to certain reasons? And though you told him 'no' you spent a lot of time with him because you liked him???

 

To the outside world it looks like you are using him..... which may be wrong. So can you explain it..

 

Thanks

[Guest]

Guest,

 

I just now saw this post. So you have been in this situation. It's great to hear this because you can very clearly give your perspective from the woman's point of view.

 

Can you please help us all by telling us what exactly was going on in your mind... Is it something like you liked him a lot but told him "no" due to certain reasons? And though you told him 'no' you spent a lot of time with him because you liked him???

 

To the outside world it looks like you are using him..... which may be wrong. So can you explain it..

 

Thanks

 

i can't speak for all women or girls. I was crushed early teens. I think you just become defensive as you get older (late teens,early twenties) and the best thing to do is to almost expect the worst from a guy. The problem is everybody f**ks up eventually. So when a guy actually becomes a friend first you get to know their faults and its okay.

 

If a guy friend stands me up i would understand or atleast would not feel heartbroken or rejected in the dating sense. I can say now that i want a BF who can be my friend also. i have dated guys for sveral months or years and they new hardly anything about me, atleast not the things i could share with a true friend. That also meant they couldn't hurt me as much when that time came. I would say from my experiences most people I know always have some intentions when dealing with OS friends.

 

You and bear hug should remember people are fluid. Your feelings are always changing. One day you can just fall in love with someone, friend or not. Over time you figure out the reasons or maybe you can't. It usually works out best when your not thinking too much at all. I dont think bear hug is being used or manipulated at all. I think this girl likes him. Probably likes him alot. His earlier breakup (a major one he said) most likely scares her a little. She wants a reaction from him. It sounds like he doesn't get mad or atleast never reprimands her actions.

 

She is not being a good friend or a good GF. She is in a safe middle. Until you walk away or confront her she will keep doing what shes doing. I wouldn't say that Bear Hug is completly innocent in this affair either. You share a bed with her. I would say no big deal if you hadn't lived with your ex before. What little you have said says alot to me.

 

I would tell both of you to figure this out. It looks like you will both get hurt the way its going.

So noclobber there is the explanatioin. Sort of. If you tell me every word that comes out of your mouth to a friend, GF or other is the plain truth, i congratulate you. But i think if you look around at the world and how we are taught to communicate you would see it isn't that easy. And hey, the chase is always the best part! Right?

[confusedinIL]

This really helps me, Thank You Guest 967919

 

i can't speak for all women or girls. I was crushed early teens. I think you just become defensive as you get older (late teens,early twenties) and the best thing to do is to almost expect the worst from a guy. The problem is everybody f**ks up eventually. So when a guy actually becomes a friend first you get to know their faults and its okay.

 

 

 

You and bear hug should remember people are fluid. Your feelings are always changing. One day you can just fall in love with someone, friend or not. Over time you figure out the reasons or maybe you can't. It usually works out best when your not thinking too much at all. I dont think bear hug is being used or manipulated at all. I think this girl likes him. Probably likes him alot. His earlier breakup (a major one he said) most likely scares her a little. She wants a reaction from him. It sounds like he doesn't get mad or atleast never reprimands her actions.

 

She is not being a good friend or a good GF. She is in a safe middle. Until you walk away or confront her she will keep doing what shes doing.

 

Thanks again, this was very helpful.

[watisluv]

is this a typical way that young women approach these relationships. Im in the friendzone but am wondering if i should tell her how i feel. Any other female POVs

[Guest]

i always thought girls were the ones who sat and worried about their relationships all the time. There seems to be way too many guys on this forum who are so unsure of their situation. The reality is that your girlfriend, friend, roommate has all sorts of feelings. The great thing about feelings is that they change constantly. If you treat someone with respect and kindness you will get the best response. If your not happy with that then step away. Slowly! If you try to force the issue or ignore the obvious you may not be happy with what you see. The thing we all want is a safe place to go. Always be the friend first and if that doesn't do it for you look somewhere else.

Life is short, spend your time wisely