Should I tell my guy friend I am "feeling" him???

[dr2be]

Well...I have a story for you all. I have been involved in a friendship for over 1 year with a guy who I attends the same graduate school as I do. We met last summer and quickly started hanging out and gradually became closer by the time classes started last fall. At this point, we already had a few phone conversations last more than 4 hours. This has happened several times throughout this school year. We would call each other for whatever reason and wind up talking for the rest of the night.

 

We went to his hometown together 3 times last school year. The first time we stayed at another classmate's apartment for a weekend. The second time we went, he invited me to his house for Thanksgiving. We had an entire week off. First off, he was done with his exams on that Friday. He waited for me until Monday so we could ride together although I have my own car. I spent the entire week with him and his family. While I was spending time with him during that week at the movies....he says that it seems to him that a few people want to be more than my friend...etc...and I avoided the comment because I freaked out. During that week, he mentioned that he would love to come home with me some time. He even told me that I am the only person in our class that gets to come home with him. He has also mentioned on the phone that he would get with one person in our class if she "played her cards right". (another comment I ignored) The third time I hung out with him in his hometown included my cousin from my home state. He made sure that he spent some time getting to know my cousin because she and I are very close. She met his entire family too.

 

Recently, we went to a conference together. Per his suggestion, we bought our plane tickets together, rented a car, and shared a hotel room for 5 days. He did not make a move physically on me during the trip. However, there was a guy who tried to talk to me while I was at a club with him and his cousin one night. I stepped outside the club to talk with this guy for about 10 minutes and wound up having to use this guy's cell phone to call my guy friend since he had the keys to the car (my cell phone was in our rental). He was obviously upset about it because we discussed this guy several times during the remainder of the trip. He teased me about it, and he also said he would have kicked him out the hotel room if I had invited this loser back to our hotel room. Also, he asked me if I had the guy's phone number. When I told him that he should have the guy's number in his cell phone, he frowned and said he deleted the guy's number from his phone and he didn't want any part of this dude. The whole trip was about him spending time with me. It's all we did. We didn't even go to any meetings for the conference. We partied, drank, and stayed up late talking every night we were together. We just really enjoyed each other's company during that time.

 

We are extremely close. Whenever we go out to dinner or the movies, he always opens the door to his car and the restaurant for me. For my birthday, he took me out to dinner (which he paid for). Sometimes I pay for his food too. I never pay for a ticket to the movies when we go alone. We have had talks about everything from our lives after grad school (which I know he still plans to be a part of my life) to what type of weddings we want to have (when the time is right). He thinks it is extremely funny when guys try to talk to me and I reject them. Recently, he has become a little bit more flirtatious since we decided to go to the same academic center for our clerkship years at our school. First, he hinted that living with me would make housing "easier" on him although before he mentioned he wanted to move back home with his parents (which he could still do). He has implied that living together would save us both money. I must admit it that it will, but I don't think it is the only reason he wants to live with me. He makes comments that are in the third person. He says things like....some guys want to get with you. So, I say well...some guys want to get with me but they dont ask me. His reply is...they are probably scared that you are going to reject them. It's getting to the point where I can't stand it. We meet twice a week at my place to study together, and I find myself wanting to grab him and kiss him. At our last study session, we didn't get much studying done because we were hanging out and laughing from 8PM-2:30AM. Should I just make a move already or am I reading too much into a wonderful friendship?? Most likely, we will be looking at apartments together. I think this would be a great time to let him know how I feel or for us to at least define our friendship. Please lemme know what you guys think.....

[norajane]

Sure, let him know how you feel.

 

So, I say well...some guys want to get with me but they dont ask me. His reply is...they are probably scared that you are going to reject them.

I think he's a bit of a weenie if he's afraid to let you know how he feels because he's afraid of rejection, but I'm sure he's got other good qualities.

 

Don't move in with him, though. Again, he's being a weenie if he's claiming money reasons for moving in with you. He wants to get closer, so he's using saving money as an excuse. That's a passive way of getting closer to you instead of just giving you a kiss and telling you how he feels. Next thing you know, you'll be living together and playing house and acting married and your whole world will be wrapped up in him without him ever even telling you how special you are to him.

 

I wouldn't move in with him because 1) if you are going to ever date each other, living with someone before a romantic relationship is established can be a disaster - starting out by living together is too much together-ness. Kills the romance before it starts. How do you start to "date" if you're sharing a bathroom and kitchen? Where's the romance? The mystery? Not only is it all too easy to start taking each other for granted, but roommate squabbles about the garbage and dishes don't give you much room to fall in love.

 

And 2) if you don't say anything about your feelings and he never does, things will get awkward if either of you starts dating. What would you do, how would you feel if he brought girls home? How would he feel if you brought guys home?

[Guest]

Hmm...

 

It might be a little pessimistic to look at it this way, but usually guys who never make a move on you are not usually interested. I was in the same situation a while back. I approached him about it, and he said, "He likes me...as a friend."

 

It has made our relationship really awkward, and I haven't reallly been able to talk to him much since then. I used to be able to approach him with any problems. Now I cannot.

 

Though I'm sad that I kind of lost that close friendship with him, I'm sure I can gain it back some time in the future. However, I probably cannot have my sanity if I had not approached him and would still be in limbo.

 

So just Hope for the best, expect the worst, ask him....if yes? GREAT! If not, you can move on and be happy. =)

 

Don't keep thinking about it. It's not action. You didn't get into grad school by not doing anything during undergrad....same philosophy.

[dr2be]

Guest...

 

Could you elaborate on what makes our situations the same? Why can't you talk to your friend anymore?? Did he express that he wanted to get with you in so many words? I am not that sure our situations are exactly the same. However, I do agree with you. I think our feelings should be addressed especially if he is putting living with me for the next two years on the table. I would never stop talking to him because he didn't feel the same way. Our friendship seems important to both of us. Although I would be surprised that he didn't see me as more than a friend, I would NEVER let that change our friendship. I can always count on him when I need him for anything, and he has the same type of friend in me. I started out as his friend, and my feelings for him changed. Did you start out attracted to your friend in the beginning? Maybe you were his friend because you wanted to get with him. My situation is the exact opposite. I want him to be more to me because he is a great friend, and I think I could see myself with him in the future. I am not even sure if we should date right now. All I am saying is that we should not be living together unless we plan on being strictly friends or strictly commited. It would take a lot away from a blooming romance if we lived together but were not in a serious relationship.

[Antheia]

This is going to be another pessimistic reply. Usually when two people spend that much time together and are mutually very attracted to each other...things happen. If they don't it's because one of the people involved doesn't feel the same way or doesn't feel as strongly. He might be jelous, even act a bit possesive of you but that doesn't automatically mean that he has strong feelings for you.

 

Still, you should tell him how you feel and see what happens. There is nothing worse than living in constant false hope. But then again, I could be completly wrong as I don't know every single detail of your situation and you could hit a jackpot.

 

Good luck.

[dr2be]

Forget about the jealousy at the conference (that happened only once)! What about the times when he obviously was trying to say something, but I ignored his comment or changed the subject?? What about his constant open-ended comments? I don't think he is shy, but I do think he is accustomed to females being more aggressive with him. You would be surprised at how some of the females that he and I both know from school throw themselves at him. Also, I am used to males being more aggressive with me. Not only that...he told me that every relationship he has been in began by the female pursuing him, suggesting they become a couple. Then, the other day we were talking about some nut that goes to school with us who was being nosy and asking about our relationship. I told him that I told this nut that I am not focusing on getting into a relationship right now, but maybe it could happen between us one day. He agreed with me and said who knows what will happen in the future. Just because a guy doesn't grab you and try to shove his tongue down your throat or try to sleep with you doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Maybe it means that he respects you and doesnt want to jeopardize a friendship for some physical pleasure. If he wants sex, he doesn't have to stay over to my place til 3AM talking when he could be having sex with someone. Trust when I say that he could easily find someone to do it. He is very attractive. I am not buying that because we haven't been physical that he is not interested in me. He is the type of guy that would not touch me until I made it crystal clear that I wanted him to touch me (because I would go off if he was out of line with me).

 

Anyway...we need to discuss how living together will affect our relatioship regardless. Living together can change any relationship, and I recently stopped speaking to someone who lived with me for 2 years. I wouldn't want to lose his friendship, and I know he doesn't want to lose mine. He isn't going anywhere. I can't believe that you pessimists are implying I should move in with him without talking to him about our relationship.

[norajane]

I told him that I told this nut that I am not focusing on getting into a relationship right now, but maybe it could happen between us one day.

If you told your guy this, then he will not say anything to you or make any kind of move toward a relationship! Basically, you just told him if he wanted anything to happen, to forget about it because you would reject it right now. A guy isn't going to say anything if he knows he's going to be rejected!

 

You either have to encourage a relationship, you need to make a move, you need to talk to him about it, or you need to stop wondering about what's going to happen.

 

I stand by my first post - do not move in with him.

[iron_m]

Dr to be, this is from one "PhD rat" to another:

 

We meet twice a week at my place to study together, and I find myself wanting to grab him and kiss him.

 

Hell! kiss him!

 

And don't move in with him. Being grad students both of you already have plenty of opportunities to be together (maybe too many):

1) Studying for classes

2) preparing comps

3) Thesis writting (you'll see, having a writting buddy is great!)

4) meetings/conferences (and please, atend the talks LOL)

5) social activities of your department

6) what else?

 

PLUS all the "free time" activities of a "normal person" :^)

 

So... why do you need to live together? to save money? nah. not even that is a good reason.

[blue16]

In my opinion, he likes you but is just too much of a p*ssy to make a move. You might have to do it for him.

 

1) Jealousy - Getting upset because you talked to some guy at the club? Worried that you had his number?

 

2) Is always around you - Any guy that spends this much time with a girl is usually interested.

 

3) Wants to move in with you - C'mon, it's much more than just 'saving money' people.

 

Bottom line, I think you should do one of two things. One, just make a move and see how it goes and see how he responds. Or two, start dating/hooking up with other guys. He might need some sort of jolt to get his a$$ in gear to ask you out. I get the impression that you are kind of 'waiting for him'...and that is not attractive even if he has feelings for you. I bet if you start looking at other prospects he will realize what he is missing and make a move like he should.

[painislove_04]

You know how you said you found yourself just wanting to grab him and kiss him? I say just do it!! From everything you've mentioned, it seems like he is totally into and is just a chicken****! Do you have any other relationships with a guy that are even close to similar? My guess is probably not...I think one of you just needs to make the first move. Go for it.

[Guest]

As a guy, my advice to you would be: instead of avoiding or ignoring his comments when he hints at something more with you, you should come back with something sassy with a smile that hints that you are receptive to what he is saying and him making a move. Then you can see what his reaction is. What it should be is him saying something even more obvious that he's into you. So it's like a mirrored escalation kind of situation. He's testing the water by making these hints and when you ignore them or play them down, he's thinking you aren't interested.

 

When you say you want to grab him and kiss him, I understand that girls like guys to make the first move. But most girl-boy interactions start with the girl giving some kind of indicators of interest - such as giving a lingering glance across a room - not the guy blindly making moves on girls who don't show interest. So when you're studying, try sitting close to him and looking into his eyes just a little too long after you've said something to him, and looking at his lips. Hopefully he'll get the message!

 

There's a lot of calling this guy a wimp etc. It always amazes me that women are so dismissive of guys who don't make a move in the face of barely any interest from a woman. For one, women's signals are VERY subtle, and guys don't do subtle very well. So you need to ask yourself are you beeing TOO subtle or not subtle OFTEN enough. I think sometimes women need to stop and question just how obvious their signals are. Very rarely is a guy going to make a move (I'm talking kissing here) on you when you're not showing any interest, like in some old school romantic film a la Gone With The Wind. Believe me, we'd like to, but it's not just rejection we face, but also being on the receiving end of a sexual harassment charge or being led away in a full nelson by a bouncer if we get it wrong.

 

That's my viewpoint, hope it helps

[dr2be]

Well guys...I am actually on my Thanksgiving Break. I appreciate all of your comments. I have decided to attempt to make something happen when given the opportunity. I probably will see him tomorrow or Thursday (I hope) When we spoke of our plans during the break, he expressed that he wanted to spend time with me. I mentioned there were two movies I wished to see, and he said that WE should catch a couple movies over the break. I plan on spending at least 3 days with him at his parents' home.

 

The time has come for both of us to stop being so passive and cautious about developing our relationship. It's obvious that we are both attracted to one another and really care about each other. It is not cool to just sit idly and wait for something to happen. I feel that right now we are both holding back for fear that we will lose our friendship. Personally, I think we will lose it anyway because we are both not being honest with each other. So...wish me luck this weekend. Hopefully, we will see if the pessimists were right or if my gut instincts lead me to do something I should've done a long time ago.

[dr2be]

Um...this is taking a little longer than I anticipated. I will keep you guys posted throughout the holiday season.