taking a step back

[matt]

About 2 months ago I met the most incredable woman. Though it was not quite love at first site it did develop rapidly. We started sleeping together at about two weeks. Since we do live about an hour apart this has been kept to a minimum. Also she lives with her mentally ill mother for the sake of being able to afford raising her three year old daughter. Im twenty-two she is twenty-seven, this hasent been a problem to either of us, yet I felt the need to mention it.

 

In the beginning we made a pact that we would communicate to each other about our feelings and such. For her comunication is a first. She usually just runs away from problems and boyfreinds. So far weve done really well in this. Earlier on I had a real problem with her past sexual experiances. With time and realizing the real source of these problems I got over them and no longer care about her past as Im not threatened by it. We also talked about why we never had lasting relationships and how we were going to work on our problems and grow together as a couple. My main problem is jealousy and the unwillingness to accept that Im wrong about it.

 

When I was sixteen I was thrown out of my home by my mother. Shortly after that I got into a relationship that lasted about four months, about halfway through the girl decided to turn to a life of prostitution. Everbody tried to tell me what was going on but I just wouldnt listen. After the breakup I just continued with my drinking and drug abuse, never really dealing with the actual problem at hand.

 

Jealosy hadnt really been a problem as I feel I can trust my current, but in the past week drinking has caused me to slip up twice. Since then I have decided to finally take my mothers advice and stop drinking. I already have noticed a differenceas I realized that I wasnt reacting to her but to my past. About half a week ago ahe called me to tell me that she wants to take a step back to before we were bf/gf so that she wont just blow up and leave me. She swears that she is not leaving but that we are stepping back in order to continue growing. This has the %$#$ scared out of me. I tried to compromise by saying that we shoudnt break up but that I will give her all the space she needs if thats what I have to do in order to work this out. I guess that is not giveing her all she needs. Im going to call her tonight to tell her that if we need to go back to just dating that that is fine. I just dont know how to handle myself in this sitsuation. I still want to tell her I love her and I still want to hold her at night. She says she still wants those things of me but that rite now that may be a little too much for her. Ive never been in this sitsuation and had it work, but then again I have accomplished lots of firsts with her and her alot with me, so maybe Im just being crazy. I know that with time and patience we will definitly grow back together. I just need a little advice on how to get through this trying time.

 

Matt

 

P.S anyone got any sucsess stries on this subject? Sure would help.

[lona]

it sounds like things were moving really fast and she got caught up in the whirlwind, but now she needs some time to step back and think objectively about the relationship and think about making a serious commitment. If you don't allow her to have some space at this very critical moment when she has specifically requested it, I can guarantee you, from my experience, that she will start to feel smothered and the relationship will definitely end. So if you give her space, paradoxically, the relationship can survive. Otherwise, it's definitely over.

 

During this time apart, focus on developing some of your outside interests and hobbies or investing more time in work, and spending more time with your family and friends. Participate in the activities that you enjoy the most, or maybe even try your hand at something new that's always sort of interested you (like a new instrument, or sport, or juggling, or learning a new language, or writing poetry, or making furniture or whatever...)

 

Also, as you stop drinking (which sounds like an excellent decision) there will probably be problems/issues/pain that surface for the first time. Whereas before, you were able to avoid those issues with the alcohol, now they'll be staring you in the face and you'll have to deal with them head-on. You can definitely conquer them, but it might be a difficult battle at times, so please be prepared and don't get discouraged.

 

It sounds like you're entering a time of intensive personal growth. It might be challenging right now, but in the long run it will be extremely adventageous for you as an individual, and for your relationship with her (or whomever else you get involved with in the future).