Went NC with unrequited crush - advised to break it because I'd look immature

[Adunaphel]

Some three weeks ago I have decided to go NC with a guy I have been romantically interested in for a few months - since march.

 

I basically blocked and deleted his contact on msn messenger, since 98% of our conversations took place there - and deleted his phone# from my cell phone, so I won't be calling him accidentally (I do not mean drunk dialling, just calling him by mistake).

 

I took this decision for a number of reasons:

 

1) I felt he was stringing me along (I'm not saying he was, but I felt that way).

 

He perfectly knew I was interested in him all the time (I kept reminding him on a regular basis, lest he forgot - he seems to have a very selective memory ).

 

I subtly asked him on more than an occasion to tell me whether I had any chances with him or not, but he managed to elude the question.

 

Also, one of the reasons main reasons why my crush on him lasted so long is that he sent me some mixed signals some time ago. He afterwards explained me that he did not mean anything with them....but yet...

 

2) Apart from the fact that I was wasting time, the situation was becoming stressful for me. The fact that a girl who was supposed to be a friend of mine was hanging out with him a lot "as friends", and I was extremely suspicious of her, did not help.

The day before I blocked him, he said something like he was starting to get in a "if loves comes my way is fine, but if I get any occasion to have sex with no strings attached I'm going to seize it" attitude. That he was disappointed in women right now, and so on.

Now, it's not really healthy for me to keep in touch with a guy i really like and is in a "sex with no strings attached is fine" attitude, is it?

 

3) he said something that offended me lately.

 

 

..........I was doing fine until a week ago, when a common friend asked me whether I had blocked him on msn messenger.

 

She started telling me that in her opinion I was doing a mistake, it was my loss, and I would look (in his eyes, I assume) like a moody, childish, unbalanced person who gets offended for no reason.

 

.....I added him to msn contacts again after she talked me into it. But he is still blocked.

 

I guess I am posting because I could use some support or validation that I'm doing the right thing.

While if I am doing the wrong thing, it would be helpful to know.

 

I do not think I am the bad guy here - if there is a bad guy at all in the situation, which I doubt.

[johan]

I think you did the right thing for you.

 

The person giving you advice was saying so because she probably uses "no contact" with people as a "a moody, childish, unbalanced person who gets offended for no reason." Maybe she understands it only as a way to manipulate people.

 

If you were doing it because you thought it would get a response from the guy, then it's not the right reason. But it's still probably the right solution.

[Adunaphel]

Johan, thank you so much for replying.

 

I think you did the right thing for you.

 

The person giving you advice was saying so because she probably uses "no contact" with people as a "a moody, childish, unbalanced person who gets offended for no reason." Maybe she understands it only as a way to manipulate people.

 

This is a possibility that hadn't occurred to me. But you might be right.

also, she is her best friend. Or she regards herself as such.

 

I am actually worried that I might have unintentionally put her in trouble.

 

A few days after I went no contact I learnt from this common friend that the girl I mentioned in the other post, the one who kept telling me they were just friends, that I was silly to act jealous, and even kept asking me about him and pretending to give me information about him, not only had been blatantly hitting on him but had slept with him a couple of weeks before...

 

(luckily I had already decided to go NC - perfect timing - or I'd have taken this piece of news very, very, very badly.)

 

Since she was supposed not to share this bit of information with me, I think she might be worried that the guy will assume that I went NC with him because I heard about it from someone....

 

Anyway, I told this common friend "if keeping him blocked on msn messenger would cause you *any* nuisance or disconfort, since you know both of us, you tell me, and I will unblock him".

She said that she personally does not care what I do, she was just advising what she thought was best for me.

 

So even if I put her in some trouble, I am not exactly feeling guilty. She knows I'd unblock him, but as a favour to her. Not as a favour to myself.

If she is not feeling confortable, she can tell me - as long as she is not pretending to give me advice for my own good.

 

If you were doing it because you thought it would get a response from the guy, then it's not the right reason. But it's still probably the right solution.

 

I admit I was curious to see whether I'd get a response from the guy - since he was the one who considered him a friend and enjoyed so much talking with me (only, friends do not string you along imo).

I was wondering whether he'd contact me. Or ask me why I had disappeared.

But he *did* ask our common friend whether I had blocked him on msn messenger.

 

And I also admit that I also wanted to send him a message (something along the lines of "I have had enough, you are worthy neither my friendship nor my time"). (yes, I am quite upset )

 

But I mainly did it for myself. I was going trough too much stress. And thank godness I did before hearing that he slept with that girl, or I'd be in an emotional mess right now.

 

thanks again for replying, really.

[Ssheena]

I don't think it is immature to block someone or not want to see them online or hear from them when it hurts you to do so. I tend to reread stuff, look all the time for emails, wonder, wonder, wonder and if it's all gone, I can't and I'm better for it. Otherwise I drive myself loco! You are right, he for sure is not worthy of your friendship or time and you have already wasted toooooo much on him. What a sleaseball.!

[Adunaphel]

I don't think it is immature to block someone or not want to see them online or hear from them when it hurts you to do so. I tend to reread stuff, look all the time for emails, wonder, wonder, wonder and if it's all gone, I can't and I'm better for it. Otherwise I drive myself loco! You are right, he for sure is not worthy of your friendship or time and you have already wasted toooooo much on him. What a sleaseball.!

 

Thank you for your words!

 

I think I'd be feeling much worse if i was still talking to him.

Even if I might miss our online conversations - we used to talk *a lot*, what good was it to me? Our common friend said that I have something to lose (she did not really mean "my loss", just that I am throwing away a good freindship). She told me he cares about me, enjoys talking with me and if that he and I lived in the same city he'd rather go out with me for a beer than with that other girl (the one who was supposed to be "just a friend").

 

(haha, funny. too bad he slept with her, apart from going out with her for a beer/to go jogging/to have friendly conversation).

 

I miss him.

 

Let's assume for a moment I decided to unblock him and start talking to him again like nothing happened. What message would I be sending?

Well, that I am fine with being just friends (NO).

That I'm immature (if I stick to NC at least perhaps he might get I'm serious).

That I got over whatever issue I had while his behaviour was fine.

No way.

[norajane]

Ick, ick, ick! You do see how high school this is with her friend talking to you and him asking about being blocked and blah blah blah? If he was so concerned, he could have called and asked you directly what was going on.

 

NC is for you. You make a choice to stop talking to someone because you have your reasons to do so. How it affects anyone else is irrelevant. How it makes you "appear" to others is also irrelevant. Either you want to talk to him or you don't. Period.

[Adunaphel]

Ick, ick, ick! You do see how high school this is with her friend talking to you and him asking about being blocked and blah blah blah?

 

I actually did have the impression it's a very high-schoolish thing, but you have no idea how good it is to hear it from soemone else.

So thank you a lot!!

 

I actually think that our common friend told that stuff to me of her own will - I am pretty sure he just asked her whether she saw me online.

 

If he was so concerned, he could have called and asked you directly what was going on.

 

He obviously is not so concerned. or does not care.

or decided it's my loss. :lmao:

Or, he knows/senses that if he asks me what is going on I am going to give him a piece of my mind.

 

NC is for you. You make a choice to stop talking to someone because you have your reasons to do so. How it affects anyone else is irrelevant. How it makes you "appear" to others is also irrelevant. Either you want to talk to him or you don't. Period.

 

Thanks.

I guess I was basically wondering whether I looked liked the bad guy since I didn't give him any explanations.

But then...it's not like I disappeared. If he wants to email me, he can do it. If he wants to call, I would pick up the phone.

 

*He* was the one who regarded me as a friend and really cared about me ("even if not in the way I would have liked"). And the one who initiated 95% of the online conversations. While I repeated him from time to time that I was *not* a freind of his - I was someone interested in him!

So it's not like I'm doing wrong to a friend. I think.

 

If I am good only to spend time talking online, he can go screw himself.

Well, either himself or that slutty hypocrite that is so fond of him.

[Adunaphel]

I could have posted this very same story in the friendship forum.

 

Let's pretend I did. Here it is.

 

 

"A girl who was acting like a friend towards me was hitting on a guy I was interested in while telling me she was not interested in him (and that I was acting paranoid when I showed that I did not really believe her).

 

--more background--feel free to skip

 

Well, actually before the first time she went out with him (just the two of them, but "just to drink a beer together" according to her) she actually asked me whether it would bother me.

My answer was that yes, I would have been immensely bothered with her.

To which she replied that she was sorry it bothered me, and not to worry over nothing. I acted very immature and texted her *very* late at nigh, with a *very* offensive message. (bottom line was I told her to **** off from the depth of my heart)

So, I acted like a psycho. Not like my usual self, but it was still very wrong.

I obviously apologized about the message the following morning.

 

After which she kept going out with him while telling me they were just friends and pretending to give me information about him (I really liked him).

By that time I trusted her as much as I'd trust an angry rattlesnake (for a variety of reasons), so I never really believed her.

And she seemed to be doing and saying a few things just to piss me off or get a reaction out of me (my guess is that she wanted to retaliate for the infamous text message). I also had a gut feeling that she was badmouthing me with both this guy and another person I really cared about.

Probably telling them I was a psycho.

(the gut feeling turned out to be true)

 

---end background---

 

Well, not only turned out she was hitting on this guy but she ended up sleeping with him.

 

 

I have huge problems getting over it.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Is it normal to take such things so badly?"

 

I am feeling like crap. And it's been a few weeks since the episode.

 

And remember the fact that I was trying to forget a certain married guy?

I think she has either slept with him, too, or that she will.

Did I mention that she flirted with him in my face (probably to upset me on purpose)? And told me I was paranoid if I asked her whether she was interested in him, too?

 

It does not help, either.

[lindya]

I am feeling like crap. And it's been a few weeks since the episode.

 

And remember the fact that I was trying to forget a certain married guy?

I think she has either slept with him, too, or that she will.

Did I mention that she flirted with him in my face (probably to upset me on purpose)? And told me I was paranoid if I asked her whether she was interested in him, too?

 

It does not help, either.

 

I'd be doing No Contact with this female friend as well as the "open for no strings f*cking" guy, Adunaphel. As for whether he thinks you're immature for stopping contact with him...who cares? Let him think what he likes. The sooner he's out of your sight, the faster he and whatever opinions he might hold will be out of your mind.

 

If it's boring not to have a crush - and I'd agree with you that it is boring - then why not start developing several harmless crushes? Spread the love around so that you're not fixating too much on one person.

[SurvivingHB]

Have you watched the movie "In her shoes"? I am not sure why this girl keeps fighting for the same guys you are interested. Any history there? You might do NC with her as well. What's the point of being friends with someone who wants to hurt you all the time?

[burning 4 revenge]

 

If it's boring not to have a crush - and I'd agree with you that it is boring - then why not start developing several harmless crushes? Spread the love around so that you're not fixating too much on one person.

 

Bingo

 

Hit the nail on the head

 

Isn't that why so many of us hold on to impossible crushes.....simply because the alternative scenario of no-one to fixate our emotions on is so dreadfully boring.

 

Excellent insight as always

[lindya]

Bingo

 

Hit the nail on the head

 

Isn't that why so many of us hold on to impossible crushes.....simply because the alternative scenario of no-one to fixate our emotions on is so dreadfully boring.

 

Excellent insight as always

 

 

Thanks B4R - and yes, it is boring not to have a crush. I've decided that if and when I ever get down to writing my book, the hero/anti-hero is going to be my crush. The love of my life is going to be a fictional character of my own creation. Isn't that sad? :(

[burning 4 revenge]

Thanks B4R - and yes, it is boring not to have a crush. I've decided that if and when I ever get down to writing my book, the hero/anti-hero is going to be my crush. The love of my life is going to be a fictional character of my own creation. Isn't that sad? :(

Yes, but hopefully less dissapointing

 

Speak of the devil she's ringing on the phone

[daphne]

Ad,

 

I had a seemingly requited crush who kept sending mixed signals. He'd follow me around and then back away. I think he was a little intimidated but ultimately didn't have a high enough interest level to seriously pursue anything so after a year or so of flirting I never saw him again. It's been about a year and a half. It truly was his loss and I'm so thankful he never pursued anything. Crushes can really cloud your vision and this guy was so not for me and I've moved on to greener pastures.

 

You'll have that slap your head moment at some point, especially with the other girl drama. I'd stop talking to hre too. Some women just thrive on that crap.

[TheSilentType]

Well done Adunaphel. Well done

 

And resist the urge to turn back. Trust me, the longer you keep at it the better it will be...even if it doesn't seem like that now; it never does, but that is only a false notion.

 

Garbage is plenty...quality people are few. Don't settle for garbage!

 

I'd take Lindya's advice and develop several crushes. Then nurture the one that offers the most promise.

 

Good luck.

[Adunaphel]

First of all, thank you for all of your replies.

 

I'd be doing No Contact with this female friend as well as the "open for no strings f*cking" guy, Adunaphel.

 

Which is what I am doing.

Well, she actually spared me the hassle by going NC with me.

 

Last time I talked to her (online) was around the day she slept with him - might have been the day before, or the following day. She started the conversation with a "do you still like [guy's name]?" I replied to her that yes, of course I did , and she proceeded to inform me that she had seen him the day before (as friends, obviously) and he said he no longer had a gf and considered himself single.. she thought I would have liked to know...

 

After which she blocked me on msn for two whole weeks... unblocked me when I made some random remark about some women being bitches...(I had just learnt that she had slept with him). Haven't been talking to her ever since. Not even a word. She blocked me again after a few days.

 

I actually stopped to consider her a friend since the "do you mind if I go out with him?" episode. I would still be nice, polite and friendly, listen to her guys troubles, give her advice, occasionally talk about mine (HUGE mistake). But I was more detached, and did nothing to hide it. Did. Not.Trust. Her.

Feeling guilty all along becauise for all I knew my gut feelings about her (which yelled "rattlesnake! rattlesnake!" aloud) could have been wrong.

 

What I am most upset at her for is not actually that she was hitting on him and ended up sleeping with him. (even if I'm quite sure that she'd have never taken the hassle to get to know him better (as friends:lmao:) if I hadn't talked to her about him.) I was actually kind of expecting it all along.

Unfortunately my gut feelings are usually right, so I kind of expect her to sleep with married guy too. (Who btw is a friend of her ex.) If she hasn't already. I was stupid enough to tell her some time ago that he was the guy whom I had found most sexually attractive in my whole life.

(yes, i know it's none of my effin business if she does sleep with him. I know he is married. I've been staying away from him.)

 

I am mad because she has been treating me like a fool.

I am smarter than she is (if I sound full of myself, sorry, but I incidentally am full of myself ), if i can get fooled like a perfect idiot it's because I tend to ignore my gut feelings ("I can't dismiss this person as a bad one just because I feel this way - what if I am wrong?") to concentrate on the nice side of people. It's a choice. And I end up like the perfect idiot.

 

Couldn't she just be straightforward???

"Hey, I like him too, sorry". I would have got upset, obviously. Would have cut her out of my life. but I'd have a shred of respect for her.

 

I also got the feeling she did a number of things to upset me and get a reaction out of me (possibly to use against me).

 

 

As for whether he thinks you're immature for stopping contact with him...who cares? Let him think what he likes. The sooner he's out of your sight, the faster he and whatever opinions he might hold will be out of your mind.

 

It's about a month since I last communicated with him. I was doing relatively okay until a few days ago. Perhaps I was just angry until a few days ago.

 

If it's boring not to have a crush - and I'd agree with you that it is boring - then why not start developing several harmless crushes? Spread the love around so that you're not fixating too much on one person.

 

I would really like to try that. I should go out more (not easy in my current situation).

I adore how you put it - spreading the love around.

I wonder if not geetting too attached to a specific someone after you develop a crush on him is something that can be learnt.

the last three times I tried the "get a crush on someone else" technique it backfired and I ended up in much more trouble than I would have ever thought.

 

And, you were right about Hufflepuffs (if you remember that "nice guys" thread. I will be careful to avoid them in future. They are easy lays.

[magichands]

I am mad because she has been treating me like a fool.

I am smarter than she is

Haha. I see no evidence of this.

 

She seems to have you right where she wants you. And you're dancing for her entertainment.

 

But smart people can live hollow existences. She seems pretty hollow.

[Adunaphel]

Have you watched the movie "In her shoes"? I am not sure why this girl keeps fighting for the same guys you are interested. Any history there? You might do NC with her as well. What's the point of being friends with someone who wants to hurt you all the time?

 

I have never watched it (I usually go for action or fantasy movies) but now you got me curious.

There is no history, we hadn't been friends for a long time. It was a "relatively short but intense" friendship.

But she has been hitting on the boyfriend (well, not really her boyfriend. They are not "together" but have been exclusive for a year) of a friend of mine (who is this guy's best friend). The suspicion that she might dig guys other girls find very attractive is - I think - legitimate.

 

About doing things to upset me.... my guess is that she was retaliating for that text message I sent to her at 3.00 a.m. telling her to f*ck off.

And for apologizing about the text, the language I used and the time I sent it - but*not* about not trusting her! - when we talked about it the following morning. I think she is also upset that I called out (with her!) when she was flirting (online) with MM in my face. I obviously was imagining it (in her opinion). Also, when she talked to me about other guys, I told her on a couple of occasions that I thought she was not being correct towards them or seeing only what she wanted to see (I would have told anyone, it was nothing personal). I can tell she did not like it.

 

A friend of mine(well, more than one) reckons she might be jealous of me. But it would not make sense IMO.

 

Bingo

Isn't that why so many of us hold on to impossible crushes.....simply because the alternative scenario of no-one to fixate our emotions on is so dreadfully boring.

 

I agree. I wonder whether there is a way to escape that wicked spiralling mechanism.

 

Speak of the devil she's ringing on the phone

 

Did you pick it up?

 

Thanks B4R - and yes, it is boring not to have a crush. I've decided that if and when I ever get down to writing my book, the hero/anti-hero is going to be my crush. The love of my life is going to be a fictional character of my own creation. Isn't that sad? :(

 

I find it lovely.

One of the most enjoyable crushes I had was about a fictional character from one of my favourite books. Unfortunately, my crushes for fictional characters never last more than a week.

I hope yours will last longer - until you meet the right guy in real life.

 

Ad,

I had a seemingly requited crush who kept sending mixed signals. He'd follow me around and then back away. I think he was a little intimidated but ultimately didn't have a high enough interest level to seriously pursue anything so after a year or so of flirting I never saw him again. It's been about a year and a half. It truly was his loss and I'm so thankful he never pursued anything. Crushes can really cloud your vision and this guy was so not for me and I've moved on to greener pastures.

 

Thank you for sharing this story. :)

It was refreshing to read that there has been a really happy ending for you, and that you ended up with a guy who is more interesting than your crush.

I am sorry that he kept sending you mixed signals for a whole year!!! That's an awful amount of time to keep a person hanging.

 

Some women just thrive on that crap.

 

Do they really?

See, I find it difficult to get that some people just enjoy this kind of things.

Which is why I will always tell myself "your gut feeling must be wrong, why would she??"

 

Well done Adunaphel. Well done

 

And resist the urge to turn back. Trust me, the longer you keep at it the better it will be...even if it doesn't seem like that now; it never does, but that is only a false notion.

 

Garbage is plenty...quality people are few. Don't settle for garbage!

 

I'd take Lindya's advice and develop several crushes. Then nurture the one that offers the most promise.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you a lot for your kind words, TheSilentType.

I fullheartedly agree with what you said about quality people - I will try to remember it.

This guy really sounded like a great guy at first - the typical nice guy, intelligent, trustworthy, with a great heart, kind, with a wonderful sense of humour and a lot of interests.

I guess it's not enough if he is also a spineless hypocrite with no personality who can see things only from his own perspective.

But what a disappointment.

 

Again, thanks a lot for the replies.

[Adunaphel]

Haha. I see no evidence of this.

 

Thank you for your vote of confidence, Magic.

 

She seems to have you right where she wants you. And you're dancing for her entertainment.

 

What she cannot know cannot entertain her, can it?

Luckily there is LS.

 

She had me dancing for her entertainment for a while, yes.

Had me right where she wanted me, yes. Like a trained elephant at the circus. But as you should know, elephants are not stupid.

And you do not want to upset one.

 

Do you like chess?

 

In the old version of chess, when the chessboard consisted iof 100 squares, there were also two pieces called "elephant", which moved like rooks.

Let's pretend that this girl is a bishop (who does not practice what she preaches ).

They are two pieces that cannot "see" each other - one moves "straightly", the other diagonally.

The rook is btw a more powerful piece than the bishop is.

She is not smarter than me.

She could get at me because my mindset is very different.

 

But smart people can live hollow existences. She seems pretty hollow.

 

But not smart. Just sly.

[magichands]

She is not smarter than me.

She could get at me because my mindset is very different.

A fantastic, but irrelevant, two-dimensional analogy.

 

Anyway, who really cares whom is smarter? This game of comparisons will get you nowhere.

 

It's amazing how so many of us (me definitely included) will abandon all common sense and moral standards for the promise of a sliver of attention.

But not smart. Just sly.

Sly is a potent form of smarts. Manipulation is definitely an art...not a quality to necessarily be admired - but it takes a very smart person to pull it off.

[Adunaphel]

A fantastic, but irrelevant, two-dimensional analogy.

 

Anyway, who really cares whom is smarter?

 

I do, for one.

 

This game of comparisons will get you nowhere.

 

It actually can be pretty useful.

I am not eating where rats eat - no double entrendre meant.

So at least the good side of this is that I have one more reason to stay away from the married guy (like I did not have enough ).

 

Also, my self esteem would be in pieces right now if I had a good opinion of her as a person.

 

...wait, this has nothing to do with being smart.

 

You are true. She might be smarter.

 

It's amazing how so many of us (me definitely included) will abandon all common sense and moral standards for the promise of a sliver of attention.

 

Welcome to the club.

 

Sly is a potent form of smarts. Manipulation is definitely an art...not a quality to necessarily be admired - but it takes a very smart person to pull it off.

 

She was not sly enough to manipulate me and make me believe whatever she wanted.

After out first argument, I just *chose* to give her the benefit of the doubt and kept treating her the same way as before (just in case my gut feelings were wrong).

 

 

(or perhaps it's just hurt pride making me self-delusional? )

 

She was sly enough to manipulate him for a while though.

 

But, guess what, he slept with her (after, it looks like, she initiated it - but please notice how it misteriously is *never* this guy's fault. he must have a really strong personality! ) but found excuses NOT to get together with her afterwards (after she mentioned the possibility of getting together with him).

 

Word (from the common friend who advised me against going NC, who is anyway very partial towards this girl) is that the following weeks "she was pestering him, but he was trying to get her off his back".

 

Thinking of it, the said common friend on a couple of occasions gave me advice about this guy that I did not follow because it sounded too manipulative for my tastes.

And this guy is an easy-to-manipulate person (I once even told him this).

Not that I'm not. But just by guys. Certainly not by her. (or am I?)

[magichands]

You're far too obsessed with MM's lovelife. You were just another notch in his belt - would it make any difference if you weren't?

[Adunaphel]

You're far too obsessed with MM's lovelife. You were just another notch in his belt - would it make any difference if you weren't?

 

Yes, it would.

 

Even if it would probably make it harder for me in the long run.

I wouldn't be able to see it, though.

[magichands]

Well...when another "opportunity" came along he wasted no time jumping all over it. That might give some insight into how "special" you were. Don't kid yourself that you weren't manipulated. On the other hand, you fell for his show of attention - hook, line, and sinker.

[Adunaphel]

Well...when another "opportunity" came along he wasted no time jumping all over it.

 

Well, in the very unlikely chance he hasn't jumped over any other opportunities, it would mean only that he did not get any actual ones.

That might give some insight into how "special" you were.

 

This is no news. But it's okay.

 

Don't kid yourself that you weren't manipulated.

 

I knew he was married, served me right I guess.

 

On the other hand, you fell for his show of attention - hook, line, and sinker.

 

True.

You already know quite well that I easily fall for any show of attention from anyone who sounds interesting enough.