His parents hate me.... (long)

[inmylife]

I am so glad I found this message board.....

 

My bf and I have been seriously consdering marriage for about 5 months (have a desired date, know where we'd like to have it etc.) However, he has told me it will not be "official" until things between his family and I are smoothed over.

 

His family hates me, plain and simple. Five years ago his mother (Mrs. X) physically backed me in a corner and verbally harrassed me for 15 minutes straight. At one point she lifted her hand to hit me, but ended up smashing a window instead. My bf had to physically remove her (she is much bigger than I am) To this day we do not know why she snapped, she mentioned something about my being of a lower social class. (Which was totally untrue) His mother and his sister have called my cell phone and left harassing messages.

 

To this day they still treat me terribly. They will make rude comments about me to other family members in front of me. If they are not making up stories about me they are ignoring my pressence completly. I recently was told by his aunt and cousin that "they never gave me a chance based on what Mrs. X said". His cousin and I had a long talk and I found out about all of these terrible stories Mrs. X had told them about me, including that I had throw a glass at her, and that I was the one who cornered her and verbally assaulted her. None of this happened ever!

 

I have taken it all in stride always acting polite and cordial when I am at his parent's house. But now Im trying to make things better, so he and I can get married with air cleared. I am confused and I don't know what to do. He tries to talk to them but they especially Mrs. X just gets huffy and goes off the handle. I personally feel it isn't worth trying to fix, but he wants me to and I do not know how to..

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[quankanne]

if possible limit your visits with this part of the family to those you absolutely, positively must be present at (holidays, special family occasions, etc), and when you do have to be around them, be low-key and friendly ... you know, kill them with kindness. Mind you, in their warped way of thinking, you're prolly still going to be an axe murderer, but YOU will know that you acted aboveboard, you know?

 

have a good long talk with your guy and ask him how he feels about this, about whether the two of you will present a united front whenever this ugliness pops up. It's no good if he refuses to champion you when they're pulling this kind of crap, because his inaction will be more fodder for bad feelings, but this time between the two of you.

 

ideally, should you tie the knot, you'll live far away from his family and whatever problems they try to stir up. From my experience this works best because it gives you and your spouse a chance to build up your marriage without interference, even if you've got inlaws you actually like or get along with!

 

good luck, and don't let the battleax get you down.

[Island Girl]

When you get married you leave the parents and "cleave to each other".

 

You and your husband become immediate family and anyone else becomes extended family.

 

I would never marry a man who would not stand up to his family. In the case of the fight with his mother, where she lost control and punched out a window (OMG!!), I would have expected a clear line to be drawn right there by my SO that I would not be treated that way or disrespected.

 

This has been put upon you as YOUR problem but it is actually HIS problem with his family. They are not respecting his choices and they are not treating the woman he loves with respect and courtesy.

 

What would he do or say to a stranger who acted that way toward you while he was standing there? It should be the same.

 

If it were me, facing years of abuse with holidays and imagine when children enter the picture (OMG!!!!!) - Can you imagine!!!!

 

I would be drawing a clear line in the sand and saying, "I treat them with respect. They do not treat me with respect. Someday there will be children in the picture. I will not have them witness their mother being verbally abused, put down, or witness physical violence that would severly impact them and their relationships with others. Handle it, or choose, because I will not build my life with someone and commit my future to someone who will sit back and allow others to abuse me."

 

As much as you may love him, these problems only get worse if they are allowed to continue over time, and get more severe with the level of commitment, not better.

 

It sounds just terrible. Really. I hope things turn out wells for you but he needs to cut the apron strings and get perspective on his life as a man. He should be able to stand alone. I'd make sure I see that before I'd even consider marrying him --- (to be truthful I'D make sure I saw that pretty quick just to stay his girlfriend I don't care how much I love him!)