backing off?

[cat]

my relationship started well with my current boyfriend. we had a lot in common and enjoyed spending time together. he would call me daily and make plans, call me at work and email me. nothing excessive, just a nice, happy healthy relationship. we have friends in common and "outside" friends, took it slowly at the beginning and were proud of how well we communicated.

 

in the last few weeks, there has been a marked change in our relationship. he doesn't seem as excited to spend time with me. he doesn't call me at work anymore or email me. he sometimes breaks plans (which is REALLY unlike him). i've found myself wondering why (or IF) he cares about me-- if it's for the right reasons-- meaning, does he value in me the things that i feel are important? i have a hard time being demanding. i don't want to be "that girl". i know i need more of his attention in order to be happy, but inside i'm afraid to ask for it. i don't come right out and say what i want, instead i turn all passive-aggressive and give him the cold shoulder, like he's supposed to figure out what's wrong. i know this is so bad; unfortunately, it's hard to avoid when i'm feeling neglected or wounded. also, i know it doesn't make him want to spend time with me any more-- sometimes i don't blame him for not wanting to hang out.

 

the possibilities i've come up with are these-- 1) he's feeling smothered and needs space. 2) he's over the honeymoon phase of the relationship and doesn't feel like he has to or wants to try very hard anymore. 3) there's something else entirely going on that he doesn't want to talk about.

 

i'm feeling really uncared-for. i blame myself sometimes and think maybe i'm doing someting to turn him off. bottom line is that he's a good person and our relationship has loads of potential. i just need a little help getting over this roadblock.

[clia]

All three of your possibilities are valid. It's really hard to say--how long have you been together? Is he calling/e-mailing you at all anymore? How often do you hang out now? How often did you used to hang out? Does he still take you out or are you doing hang out dates?

 

I hesitate to ask you to bring it up with him, because some guys don't take those kinds of conversations very well. But, he's really the only one who knows what the situation is. No one on this board is going to be able to figure that one out.

 

If you were hanging out daily and talking constantly, it's entirely possible that he may just need some space. Your best bet in that situation is to take a step back, make plans with your friends, and continue living your life. Don't get bitchy with him about it--when he calls, act really happy to hear from him and like nothing is wrong. If you complain, he will retreat even more. If you don't, he will likely want to spend some time with you.

 

I can't comment on the "honeymoon" phase possibility without knowing how long you've been together. The honeymoon lasts different amounts of time for different people. But even so, it doesn't mean he has the right to not try at all anymore. Somehow I don't think this one is the case. I mean, if he wanted to see/spend time with you still, being out of the honeymoon phase wouldn't drastically affect that.

 

He may of other things going on in his life that he's trying to work through. If so, you should give him the space to get through it.

 

You are in the best position to pick up the signals. Try not to be so passive agressive and try not to complain too much. If things were really that great with the two of you before, you likely don't have anything to worry about. HAve you read John Gray Men are From Mars...? You might want to check it out, because he may just be caving or rubberbanding. (I hate all those psych books, but I do think he makes a lot of good points in this book!)

my relationship started well with my current boyfriend. we had a lot in common and enjoyed spending time together. he would call me daily and make plans, call me at work and email me. nothing excessive, just a nice, happy healthy relationship. we have friends in common and "outside" friends, took it slowly at the beginning and were proud of how well we communicated. in the last few weeks, there has been a marked change in our relationship. he doesn't seem as excited to spend time with me. he doesn't call me at work anymore or email me. he sometimes breaks plans (which is REALLY unlike him). i've found myself wondering why (or IF) he cares about me-- if it's for the right reasons-- meaning, does he value in me the things that i feel are important? i have a hard time being demanding. i don't want to be "that girl". i know i need more of his attention in order to be happy, but inside i'm afraid to ask for it. i don't come right out and say what i want, instead i turn all passive-aggressive and give him the cold shoulder, like he's supposed to figure out what's wrong. i know this is so bad; unfortunately, it's hard to avoid when i'm feeling neglected or wounded. also, i know it doesn't make him want to spend time with me any more-- sometimes i don't blame him for not wanting to hang out. the possibilities i've come up with are these-- 1) he's feeling smothered and needs space. 2) he's over the honeymoon phase of the relationship and doesn't feel like he has to or wants to try very hard anymore. 3) there's something else entirely going on that he doesn't want to talk about. i'm feeling really uncared-for. i blame myself sometimes and think maybe i'm doing someting to turn him off. bottom line is that he's a good person and our relationship has loads of potential. i just need a little help getting over this roadblock.

[cat]

thanks so much.

 

to answer your questions, we;ve been together about 4 months. we used to hang out out daily or almost daily. we (obviously) do not live together but stayed over at eachother's places maybe 4-5 nights a week. about 3.5 weeks ago, i went away for 10 days. when i got back he had really bad poison ivy so we couldn't share a bed, etc. (we both work, so night time is good bonding time). in his spare time he's building a house which keeps him busy. my sister was visiting this past weekend. our hangout time is cut way way down from a lot (daily) to every few days. i guess the problem is that i miss him and i want him to miss me too. starting thursday of this week, i have more family in town all weekend then he will be out of town all next week (these schedules are VERY unusual)! i want to spend some time with him and re-connect before all this business happens, but that is counter to the whole "backing off" thing. what do you think?

 

you are SO RIGHT about the being nice thing-- no more of this passive-aggressive crap (i've promised myself that before-- i just have to understand that i'll lose this relationship if i keep it up.) and you say not to bring it up-- that's a key piece of advice. i wasn't sure if i should talk to him. he's very kind and patient, rarely defensive, but i am reluctant to turn this into a lengthy discussion. i should focus on making our time together fun so he'll WANT to hang out with me, not complaining about it so he feels like he has to....

[clia]

Yeah, after 4 1/2 months I don't think you should have a lengthy discussion about this. Your relationship is still fairly new and guys tend to view conversations such as this as "freak outs." It's better to just take things as they come and appear to handle it well. (If you need to freak out or vent, do it here or with your friends, not with him!)

 

It sounds like there are some legitimate reasons for the two of you not being able to spend so much time together. I don't think there is anything wrong with spending "only" a few days a week together. In fact, I think that's normal for busy people! I've been dating a guy for over five months and we count ourselves lucky if we can see each other more than twice a week lately because we are both so busy with work and such right now. I'm sure he misses you too, but there's nothing you can do about the situation right now other than deal with it. If you can make it through, it will make your relationship that much stronger in the end. Kinks in schedules come up in a normal relationship! And look at the bright side--you can use this time to do your own thing and hang out with your friends more. I actually think it's healthy to not spend every second together when you are in a relationship. You have so much more to talk about when you both have your own stuff going on!

 

I don't necessarily know that you should "back off", but I don't think you should give him a hard time about the situation. Don't overwhelm him with calls or e-mails. Let him take the lead and simply follow what he does. Make sure when you DO see him that you are fun, funny, witty, and breezy about things. Make sure you look GREAT! If he sees that you can deal with the distance without pulling normal girl "psycho" things like complaining, whining, and bitching, he will be that much happier to be with you.

 

I do still recommend reading Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. It gives some excellent insight into the differences between men and women, and men's need to pull away at times, and how to act when your guy does that. In my experiences, it works!

thanks so much. to answer your questions, we;ve been together about 4 months. we used to hang out out daily or almost daily. we (obviously) do not live together but stayed over at eachother's places maybe 4-5 nights a week. about 3.5 weeks ago, i went away for 10 days. when i got back he had really bad poison ivy so we couldn't share a bed, etc. (we both work, so night time is good bonding time). in his spare time he's building a house which keeps him busy. my sister was visiting this past weekend. our hangout time is cut way way down from a lot (daily) to every few days. i guess the problem is that i miss him and i want him to miss me too. starting thursday of this week, i have more family in town all weekend then he will be out of town all next week (these schedules are VERY unusual)! i want to spend some time with him and re-connect before all this business happens, but that is counter to the whole "backing off" thing. what do you think? you are SO RIGHT about the being nice thing-- no more of this passive-aggressive crap (i've promised myself that before-- i just have to understand that i'll lose this relationship if i keep it up.) and you say not to bring it up-- that's a key piece of advice. i wasn't sure if i should talk to him. he's very kind and patient, rarely defensive, but i am reluctant to turn this into a lengthy discussion. i should focus on making our time together fun so he'll WANT to hang out with me, not complaining about it so he feels like he has to....