is this normal?

[beachlover]

I dated a guy for from late 1999 until the last part of 2000. We had what I thought was a very good relationship. All the ingredients were there for something very special. We'd both been married before so neither one of us wanted to rush into anything. But we were really enjoying being together and we did utter the "L" word eventually. Things were so good between us I really thought in time that we might be considering a future together. Unfortunately he dumped me suddenly out of the blue one day. His reason - the old "it's not you, it's me." He refused to discuss it any further and made it quite clear he did not want to communicate with me anymore. We have not spoken since that day, except for the occasional 'hello' if we run into each other. Don't know if he met someone else, but I see him around regularly and have had any indication that he hooked up with someone else. That doesn't really matter now anyway. His turning away from me completely in such a cold manner left me more heartbroken than I'd ever been in my life. I held it together publicly but privately I was a mess for about a year. I went through the whole gamut - the denial, the overwhelming heartbreak, beating myself up over what I may or may not have done to cause it, to eventually accepting what happened, bucking up with the "it's his loss not mine" attitude, and moving on.

 

After all this time, though I have gotten on with my life (and met a fantastic guy who I'm crazy about), I worry that I have still not gotten over him. I'm not profoundly sad like I was for so long after he left, but once in a while I will think of him and get that ache in my heart, or see him and feel this wave of sadness come over me for a minute. The other night I was watching TV and I just started thinking of him and cried like a baby. It's been almost a year and a half and it just seems like this should not be happening. I'm wondering if I'm feeling sadness over the demise of our love or still smarting from being so deeply hurt. And it doesn't help that when I feel this way I kick myself for wasting time thinking of someone who couldn't care less about me.

 

Any thoughts? My new guy knows about him and knows I was pretty messed up for awhile. He thinks the guy must've been a fool (which I love!). Just wondering if this too will fade in time or if maybe I should consider seeing a counselor? Thanks for your time.

[Tony T]

Ambiguous loss is worse that other kinds of loss because you have no closure...you don't know really why. You are left hanging up there emotionally without a reason or a hint of a reason for his departure. That's always tough to deal with.

 

This will fade with time. Understand, there are men who are piss poor at communicating or just don't want to hurt other feelings and are too coward to say they've met someone else or they just want to be by themselves. Therefore they use this "it's not you, it's me" crap and there's nothing you can really do about it.

 

To get over him quickly, the next time you think about him picture his face in your mind. Then over his face superimpose a very large pile of cow manure. Then every time you think of him thereafter, just think of a big pile of cow manure...get it all over you, smell it, rub it in, etc. Do that and you'll be done with him before you know it.

 

You obviously have some abandonment issues or you would have forgotten this butthole long before now. But the type of loss you sustained is difficult and if you really loved him deeply and he caught you by surprise, it had to be a very traumatic loss for you.

 

Be patient with yourself, think cow manure, and you'll get through this in no time. There is nothing wrong with you. Some people take four or five years to finally get over a loss of this type. It just depends on the person and the circumstances.

 

I'm still not over the cancellation of Seinfeld.

[velvet]

I fell you! I see my ex everyday at work. Im over him, but the pain is there. We grab lunch together once in a while and he calls now and than to vent or talk his troubles through, or alot of times just discuss work related issues.

 

I think the first two years was the most painful. Just when I thought I had picked myslef up and out of the "cow terd"

 

I would fall right back in it. It would come sudden and I wouldnt have warning that I was going to feel bad for a few more days. Than I would pick myself back up again and the falling down, would come each time "more time" went by. I would go and cry everyday, to once a week, to once a month, to once every couple of months, than the couple of months time period occured over and over. Now, Im in my second month again, but Im feeling so over him. But its always in the heart, I dont think those scars go away very well.

 

Your seeing someone, have fun, do something exciting with your man. You will be fine, I promise. You dont need to see a professional to get you through this, your strong! Yes you are!

Ambiguous loss is worse that other kinds of loss because you have no closure...you don't know really why. You are left hanging up there emotionally without a reason or a hint of a reason for his departure. That's always tough to deal with. This will fade with time. Understand, there are men who are piss poor at communicating or just don't want to hurt other feelings and are too coward to say they've met someone else or they just want to be by themselves. Therefore they use this "it's not you, it's me" crap and there's nothing you can really do about it. To get over him quickly, the next time you think about him picture his face in your mind. Then over his face superimpose a very large pile of cow manure. Then every time you think of him thereafter, just think of a big pile of cow manure...get it all over you, smell it, rub it in, etc. Do that and you'll be done with him before you know it. You obviously have some abandonment issues or you would have forgotten this butthole long before now. But the type of loss you sustained is difficult and if you really loved him deeply and he caught you by surprise, it had to be a very traumatic loss for you. Be patient with yourself, think cow manure, and you'll get through this in no time. There is nothing wrong with you. Some people take four or five years to finally get over a loss of this type. It just depends on the person and the circumstances.

 

I'm still not over the cancellation of Seinfeld.

 

[beachlover]

Tony and Velvet, Thank you both for your thoughtful responses! Your support definitely helped bolster my resolve to put this in the past where it belongs. Velvet, what you described is exactly how I've been feeling. I'm sorry you have had to experience this too. Looking forward to the day when I can ask myself "what did I ever see in that guy?"! Tony, you are right - he is a butthole. I'm going to try the 'cow manure' trick!

 

Thanks again, and take care . . .

I fell you! I see my ex everyday at work. Im over him, but the pain is there. We grab lunch together once in a while and he calls now and than to vent or talk his troubles through, or alot of times just discuss work related issues.

 

I think the first two years was the most painful. Just when I thought I had picked myslef up and out of the "cow terd" I would fall right back in it. It would come sudden and I wouldnt have warning that I was going to feel bad for a few more days. Than I would pick myself back up again and the falling down, would come each time "more time" went by. I would go and cry everyday, to once a week, to once a month, to once every couple of months, than the couple of months time period occured over and over. Now, Im in my second month again, but Im feeling so over him. But its always in the heart, I dont think those scars go away very well. Your seeing someone, have fun, do something exciting with your man. You will be fine, I promise. You dont need to see a professional to get you through this, your strong! Yes you are!