robkris8079 Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Well my wife of 40 months cheated on me and left me and our 1 year old daughter. She sought out and met up with a friend from her childhood and ended up having an affair 3 months ago. She has been "in a relationship" with him eversince. Then one day she writes me two love letters saying how she wants to work on things. Here is the thing though. She tells me he is going to be in her life forever?!? I told her I can't do it. It would change me and turn me into someone I don't want to be. What is she thinking I would let her go see him alone or sneak phone calls to him? I have my own thoughts and oppionions on why she asked to come back but before I get into it I would like to hear what you all think. So right now I am not comunicating with her at all unless it has to do with our daughter. And it's going to stay that way. Any input is apprecaited! Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 She tells me he is going to be in her life forever?!? She is being incredibly selfish. If she wants to work on the marriage she needs to not be in contact with this man at all. How would she feel if the shoe was on the other foot. I seriously can't believe she even had the nerve to say that!!! I think your doing the right thing right now, just talking to her when it's to do with your daughter, and until she's ready and most of all your ready to work on things and make an effort then continue on the way you are. Sorry, hope things get better. Take care of yourself and your baby. Link to post Share on other sites
Author robkris8079 Posted November 3, 2006 Author Share Posted November 3, 2006 Sorry, hope things get better. Take care of yourself and your baby. Things are better. They are better this way. My life has been incredibly better with out her. I'm healthier, have more money, more friends and a relationship with my baby girl I didn't even know was possible. The cheating on me I was willing to go and get help and work on things. But asking me to co exist with her OM is just crazy. This is not a woman I would want to spend a day with let alone the rest of my life. I told her "you can't live with out him in your life, but I can live without either one of you!" And I left it at that. I honestly think her wanting to come back was all about having a place to live and nothing else. Right now she stays with her dad but they have a full house and two more guests coming. They aren't too fond of her actions so they aren't the nicest people to her either. She is very selfish, everything she is doing and has done has been for no one but herself. All I have to say is Goodluck to her. She's gonna need it. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 But asking me to co exist with her OM is just crazy. Yep it is crazy, crazy selfish. I'm glad to hear your doing well, and your right you don't need her toxicity. She will realize after the honeymoon is over what distruction has been caused. Again, take care. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 I hope you laughed in her face..... keep the other guy in her life. That is funny as hell. Your daughter is better off just with you. Obviously this woman has issues that are very very deep...... tell her to seek therapy. Long term therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author robkris8079 Posted November 3, 2006 Author Share Posted November 3, 2006 She may realize the destruction she may not. She gave up alot for this new life and her new love. She went from owning her own home, having a devoted husband, and living with her child to having nothing. Maybe even not a place to live soon. But she has friends now. I guess that's all she really wanted? She is in therapy. She has been since this whole thing started. It was an agreement she had with her dad. She wanted a place to stay then she had to see a therapist. I didn't laugh in her face but just let her know it's really done. She actually told me that the OM is the one who told her to go back to me? I asked her, what am I suppose to do thank him? Then I asked her if she ever thought about why he was telling her to go back? None of this is any of my concern anymore. I honestly believe you are right. My daughter is better off with just me. Because if it wasn't for me thinking about her first no one would be right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 She is pathetic, that is so lame I can't believe she even had the nerve to say that. You are doing the right thing, and personally I would never trust her again even if she said she would not see him. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Author robkris8079 Posted November 3, 2006 Author Share Posted November 3, 2006 yeah her coming back is no longer an option. She can try but I won't have anything to do with it. I am actually thankful that she told me that he would be in her life. I guess that would be better than her not telling me and still talking to him. Just counting down the days till I can file the divo. Dam waiting period in CT! Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 She actually told me that the OM is the one who told her to go back to me? I asked her, what am I suppose to do thank him? Oh that's priceless... yea send him a card and flowers too, hell throw him a party! Unbelievable, the crap coming out of her mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 The title of your thread says cheating wife wanted back, but nowhere in your thread do you even hint that you want her back so I'm confused there. She actually told me that the OM is the one who told her to go back to me? I asked her, what am I suppose to do thank him? Then I asked her if she ever thought about why he was telling her to go back? None of this is any of my concern anymore. I was wondering why she's living with her Dad and not the new boyfriend but then you say that even he wants her to move back in with you. I take it he wants the sex and fun with her but not the financial and other obligations to her and the baby. It would be convenient for both of them for you to pick up the tab and for them to have their hanky panky on the side. They must think you're the biggest cash cow idiot to even consider this as an option. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 Good for you for having a backbone. I can't believe she actually had the nerve to ask that with a straight face. Maybe she thought you were a doormat and would be so glad to have her come back to you that you would tolerate anything. One thing not to do is use your daughter as weapon against her. That is still her mother and she will have to figure out on her own what type of person her mother is. Using a child as weapon will leave some very deep scars. Link to post Share on other sites
Author robkris8079 Posted November 3, 2006 Author Share Posted November 3, 2006 Well a several weeks ago she was talking about being with me. So I got all giddy like an idiot and starting talking to her again. Texting and all that crap. I gave her some flowers and a letter. But that was weeks ago and since came to my senses and stopped everything. I even got in a huge fight with her where there was a bunch of yelling on my part telling her how wrong the way she treated me and is still treating me. Right after that she sent me two cards/love letters saying how she wanted to come home and work on things! That's where the me wanting her back was. But it was a short lived lapse in judgement that will never happen again. As to why she doesn't live with the BF I don't know. When the STBEX and I were talking and he came up she always said sometimes he is interested in her sometimes it seems like he can care less. I think he still lives at home with mommy and daddy. At the very least he is rooming up in someone elses house so it's not like he can have someone move in. I don't know his situation and don't care. I don't know her future plans and again don't care. I suggested to her to move up there if that's what makes her happy. Just have a job before you go so you can support our daughter and have a safe place for her to stay when she visits you. We will work out visitation is what I told her. She doesn't see her that often now and she live a mile away. So what's the diff if she lives 200 miles away. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 One thing not to do is use your daughter as weapon against her. That is still her mother and she will have to figure out on her own what type of person her mother is. Using a child as weapon will leave some very deep scars. I completely agree with this. Make your child your first priority. Its crucial, very important, that she is sheltered from this terrible mess until she is at an age to understand. Both you and your wife need to agree that your daughet WILL NOT be used as a pawn in your relationship. Make sure she isnt in the same room when you have "heated" conversations or decision making conversations regarding your situation. Also, never, ever bad mouth your SO in front of her. when I first read this thread....the child was on my mind the whole time....I commend you for being the single dad in all of this. Your daughter NEEDS to have at least one SOLID parent in there life...and that person is you. She is your "riches" in life....and make sure she knows it. I will pray for you...and all my other LS friends that are on my list....so many I cant keep track....but God knows who your are... Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 She doesn't see her that often now and she live a mile away. So what's the diff if she lives 200 miles away. aaarrggggg...thats what I was afraid of... all the more reason to do what I said above... Link to post Share on other sites
Author robkris8079 Posted November 3, 2006 Author Share Posted November 3, 2006 I do the best I can for my daughter. I kept her in the same daycare and pretty much the same routine she has been use to since the day she was born. This isn't an easy task since the daycare is on the same road as the ex's job and way out of my way. But this is what she knows and likes so I kept it that way. I don't talk about her mother at all in front of her. Sometimes the baby cries for mommy but I usually just bring something else to her attention. I don't feel that either one of us my wife or I have "used" the baby in any of this. I am not using the baby to get her to stay or to leave. I just want the mother of my child to establish her new life. That way our child will have two parents devoted to her and we can give her the life we always dreamt for her. Even though the mother and I aren't together. My ex has too much on her plate to give our daughter the attention she deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted November 3, 2006 Share Posted November 3, 2006 yeah her coming back is no longer an option. She can try but I won't have anything to do with it. I am actually thankful that she told me that he would be in her life. I guess that would be better than her not telling me and still talking to him. Just counting down the days till I can file the divo. Dam waiting period in CT! Make sure you ask your lawyer about Abandonment, go for sole custody of your daughter, and that YOU keep the house, no point in your wife getting it, also protect your finances and ALL assets, see if you can also go for Child Support. DON'T underestemate your stbxw, remember all the laws are twisted against men these days, you gotta have ALL you ducks in a row to win. Laterz. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 go for sole custody of your daughter Custody should be determined by what the best interest of the baby is, not based on revenge and the parents hurting each other using the baby as a pawn. It is undisputable that unless the mother will physically harm the child, that it is in its best interest to have the mother a regular part of her life and therefore a shared custody is in the child's best interest regardless of what the father would like, instead of excluding her permanently from her life. Only a crazy judge would do that and the order would be overturned after an additional cost of an appeal. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 Custody should be determined by what the best interest of the baby is, not based on revenge and the parents hurting each other using the baby as a pawn. It is undisputable that unless the mother will physically harm the child, that it is in its best interest to have the mother a regular part of her life and therefore a shared custody is in the child's best interest regardless of what the father would like, instead of excluding her permanently from her life. Only a crazy judge would do that and the order would be overturned after an additional cost of an appeal. The laws determine the mother, whether she is fit or not in most cases. I'm NOT talking about revenge here, I'm talking about a stable environment, IMO her mother is NOT stable to care for her daughter. She's out running around, not taking care of her daughter, not taking responsibility for her actions. Physical harm is only the begining, what about Pychological and emotional harm being introduced into that form of environment, her mother having one lover after the other. I never said that she wouldn't be able to see her daughter. And in reguards to the father, what, is he just suppose to roll over and play dead, and end up paying alimony for the rest of his life so she can screw around? On top of that Child support payments, I guess that's what women these days think that's what being a man is all about, getting screwed over and paying for womens screw ups (literaly speaking) for the rest of their lives, so TYPICAL! Robkris, you have my reguards, take care, MAN:cool: Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 The laws determine the mother, whether she is fit or not in most cases. I'm NOT talking about revenge here, I'm talking about a stable environment, IMO her mother is NOT stable to care for her daughter. She's out running around, not taking care of her daughter, not taking responsibility for her actions. Physical harm is only the begining, what about Pychological and emotional harm being introduced into that form of environment, her mother having one lover after the other. I never said that she wouldn't be able to see her daughter. And in reguards to the father, what, is he just suppose to roll over and play dead, and end up paying alimony for the rest of his life so she can screw around? On top of that Child support payments, I guess that's what women these days think that's what being a man is all about, getting screwed over and paying for womens screw ups (literaly speaking) for the rest of their lives, so TYPICAL! Robkris, you have my reguards, take care, MAN:cool: With that train of thought, you'd argue someone with a bad temper should be jailed because it is likely they'll kill someone. Why should the mother be denied her parenting right with the assumption that her selfish lovelife determines she will be a bad mother. You think that her leaving him for another love will determine that she will not properly feed and care for her daughter therefore she should stay away and have no right to be her mother, unless the husband gives her permission at his own will which by law could be never? I think this will cause more damage than good to her daughter who will miss out on her mother as screwed up as she is, much less so than many mothers I know whose children still love and adore them. I know of nobody who had a perfect mother or parents for that matter. Chances are she'll be a better mother than many out there who are trapped in a marriage. Should she cause harm to the daughter then the father should take her to court and demand she lose all her parenting rights. But just because he feels burned that she left them for her highschool sweetheart which she already has come to regret doesn't mean that the US has a law saying she has foresaken her parenting right. I would bet you are one of those liberals who think the government should have the last say on whether or not a mother is fit to raise her own child. Ugh. No wonder families are broken up and children raised horribly these days with such liberals thinking they know what's best. Nobody can replace the love a mother has for her child much less a vengeful father trying to get back at his wife by denying her any parental right. Also, the mother never had one lover after another as you put it. She slipped by going to only one lover who she knew from school then wanting to go back to her husband and child with the husband having made up his mind not to take her back. The child hasn't made that same decision and no sane judge would deny the mother any form of custody for this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 what a man or a woman does outside a marriage or relationship should not have an impact unless it encroaches on their ability to parent. many years back i was in a situation where, if i have any ability to enact revengeful actions, i could have easily had my daughter full-time - but, because, what happened in no way impacted on her honest ability to be a mother, and because she actually is a great mother, and my daughter would truly benefit from this - the choice for me was an easy one. and, in the long run, she saw what i was actually showing her respect and we are now great friends and great co-parents. it wasn't easy at first, but, we both did a lot of growing up - and when u place the child first - that is what happens. when kids are involved, always do what is best for them first. i know its easier said then done but it is possible. and that is the first step in gaining self-respect. i did a number of things together that gave me back my identity - i feel like i have my life again. best wished to those who are struggling with 'finding their way' as well. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 Fun, this woman barely sees her child and she lives a mile away - the OP isn't stopping her from spending time with her child. She probably won't even ask for custody. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 We don't know the details. Does she fear for her safety? Is she in reality more than a mile away and doesn't have a car? Has she tried to come by but nobody was home? Does she fear her baby will be traumatized by seeing her fight with the husband and is waiting until things get resolved? All we know is that she wanted to move back into the house and the OP said no. Even if she hasn't made an attempt to visit, to sentence denying her 18 years of raising her own child because of a stupid thing she is now doing is stupid and unhealthy for the baby. Some mothers are there yet beat on their children or verbally abuse them, worse than not visiting during a short few week period that she is having major problems with her husband. The only mothers I've heard of who voluntarily give up custody are extreme crack addicts who do it for the sake of their child if they are smart enough to realize they are unfit to raise and even in those cases they will do so on condition their parents and not a husband they are fighting with can have custody. As soon as they are clean they fight to have them back. Men on the other hand are more than happy to have as limited custody as possible in most but not all cases unless they want to use that as a vengeful tool against their ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 From his previous posts it seems like the mother does not want to have any involvement in her daughter's life. It seems like he is the more stable parent so he should have custody. Not all mothers are not all fathers are happy to be part time parents. My mother treated me most of the time like she wished I were dead. I wish my father would have won custody. Right now he is the stable parent and he is taking on the duties so therefore he should have costudy. She should have liberal visitation but he should be the main caretaker. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 What are you buying your mom for Christmas Woggle? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 4, 2006 Share Posted November 4, 2006 being a parent, i would do what is best for the child...no one is perfect and we all make mistakes in our life....there is nothing wrong with trying to reunite biological parents - that's normal....i know in my case....even though me and the msssss. are waaaaaaaaaaay better people now....it wouldn't happen because we are actually better parents when we co-parent every case is different and we should never judge others Link to post Share on other sites
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