Whats a girl to do?

[Krisp]

Well, my eighteen year relationship is dying... The friendship is sort of still there but the marriage is gone. We decided to divorce on September 1st he moved out on October 13th and It's been TOUGH!!!!! Yesterday I wanted to die but I woke up this morning feeling stronger and more hopeful for the future. This is the absolute worse thing that has ever happened to me and yet it needs to happen. I'm pissed, hurt and wicked scared all at the same time. However, I don't feel the need to call him tonight. I guess I'd like to, but I don't need to. It's a start i suppose.

But what's a girl to do?

It's so quiet here and everything is clean. This is all I really have to do. Theres no one to visit and I'm not emotionally strong enough to go out alone yet. Besides that, I would run into people that know me and know that I'm HIS wife. Then I'd have to look at thier pathetic faces as they show thier concern and shock that this has happened.

I'm sick of renting movies and I don't like the radio anymore. The radio plays to many songs of ours.

What am I suppose to do? How do I move on and learn to be comfortably alone? Any suggestions would be great....

[dgiirl]

Do you have a camera? Go visit your city like a tourist and take plenty of pics! This saved me plenty of lonely depressed days in the beginning, and i truely enjoy the peace and quiet I get by going to places alone. Just roaming the city/parks, watching people.

 

Go to the local library and read read read.

 

Volunteer your time for the less fortunate.

 

Take up a new hobby/class!

 

Plenty of things to do, either with or without people. Just got to put your mind to it.

 

Write a list of things you want to do in your life and start with the small things.

[Guest]

i would just add this - think back to the things u used to do before and do the things u liked to do. remember how it felt ok to be by yourself? wasn't that bad right? and as for friends showing concern - that's ok, you don't control how they will feel. and chances are you will keep hanging with the ones that were real friends, and not with the ones who weren't. and you probably have lots of others friends that share your new outlook, and hanging with them with only bring new friends into your life.

 

and remember, it is not the amount of friends nor just that fact that having friends is what gives you self-esteem - you don't gauge your self worth on what others think about you. i have found the best friends are the ones that simply are there for you, thru thick and thin and its easy to spot the ones that never judge you. when i was going thru a rough patch i had a bunch of friends - some simply disappeared, some stuck their noses into my life and made matters worse, others did nothing but support and listen and provide advice when asked. those are the ones you keep. the others, well, its not that they are wicked or mean or anything - its just this - everyone [them included] finds out who your friends are when the chips are down. everyone can be a friend in good times. tougher when u hit the ditch. friends are wonderful and can enrich your life but children and a life partner will be with u forever.

[Dad_of_3]

I'm still so new to the whole thing as well.

Hell I am still up in the air alot of the time.

 

But alot of what the people on here says has helped to no end. dgiirl is no exception !

 

Reading is a great one ! I picked up a lot of self-help books. Dr Phil, 5 love languages, Dont sweat the small stuff, transform your life.

I also picked up some novels I had been planning to read as well. As much as I know I got to face reality front on, its good to escape it for your own sanity as well. In a constructive way of course. LOL

 

New hobbies, Anything you have denied yourself from doing, or thought you never had time for. GO FOR IT ! Learning an instrument, sport, short course.

The possibilities are endless.

 

1 thing I have come to realise, and hell I even forget at times when I get into the pain and sadness of it, is that Life goes on, with or without you.

You going to sit down and watch it pass by or you going to pick yourself up and move with it?

 

That list is a great idea dgiirl, a friend of mine put me onto something similar when I had a really rough episode.

He asked me to write up a list of 50 things I wanted to do before I died.

I'm still stuck at 32 and that was 3 weeks ago.

Its about you, go for it, possibilites are limitless.

 

For additional ideas ... you can visit www.43things.com

 

Anything you do at this point is a small but worthwhile victory. Even taking a walk to the shops and having a coffee to watch life go by. Catching up with a long lost friend.

 

When it boils down to it, life is there for you to grab it !

[Guest]

it seems so many of us on this site have posted in the same sites! i used to go to 43 things [haven't in a while]. when i first went there it seemed like most people had just broken up and were in the 'I HATE YOU WITH THE PASSION OF A MILLION SUNS' phase! i saw so many people posting their 43 things like, "tell mr.scum he will never recover from this vat of boiling oil i am going to throw on him" or "that witch, evil exists! people run!" lol. so i stopped going there. anyone ever check out a site called eNoteAlone? I got my ass banned from that one. lol. used to check out a lesbobitchie site, never posted tho...what about Everything2? or Silent Goodbyes? Wealthy Pages? has anyone just googled the name of the other person? A while back I was all over the map - i have obviously 'settled' [lol] because now this [redirection] site is all i post in....must be getting over things i guess.

[Gunny376]

Going from being married to being single is a transistion ~ just as going from being single to being married over.

 

The life that you had is over, the person that you were is gone ~ you have to re-invent yourself and your life to make it work for you. You have to frist start with a new and fresh perspective ~ viewpoint and a way of looking at things and your life. You need to flip it, and instead of seeing it as a negative see it as a positive.

 

I use to sit down periodically and make up lists ~ kind a pro and con, but without the the con's of all the advantages of being single. This was a mind exercise, and it I kept doing it repeatedly until it sunk in my very think skull

 

Learing how to be a single especailly after as many years as I was married ~ I found was like so many other things ~ a life skill to be learned. I started reading, and learing. Read a bunch of self help books, especially of the ________________ for Dummies and Idiots kind.

 

Like so many things its all about attitude.

 

Me? I'm not crazy about the concept of marriage ~ been there and done that. And, I've done the shacking up business which for me isn't too hot an idea either. The problem with shacking up is tha its like drawing a bathtub full of water and then sticking your toe in it, and saying you took a bath! No you didn't! You stuck you toe in a tub of water ~ and that's all you did. The other problem with shacking up is that if you move in with her, you end either selling, giving away, the stuff that it took years to accumulate ~ and most guys ended up giving what we had and that was worth stealing to the XW (for the sake of the children) and we end up with the stuff that she didn't want anyway ~ so we have to go to WalMart and buy all that crap all over again. Which is cool in a way, becuse most of us have this college sophmore mentality anyway, and see nothing wrong with a couch held up on one end with a couple of bricks and a cabel spool for a coffee tables, (you burn a couple of cigarettes or cigars into it, ~ it just makes it look cooler.)

 

If you move in with her ~ sooner or later you're going to hear ~ you're not brining that into my house (you know the lamp shaped like a women's fish-net stocking leg, with the garish colored lamp shade with the tassels) and you're sooner than later are going to hear ~ "This is my house, and its either my way or the highway.

 

If on the other hand she moves in with you? Sooner or later you're going to be sitting around getting drunk all of the time ~ thinking "How do I get this bitch out of my house!" And the very one that you think would be easy to get to move out is the very one that you're going to have to get an evicition order and RO from the court, and get the local sherrif involved. Of course if you're already into drugs, you can just sit around for two weeks snorting "coke" and guzzling scotch, not shaving, not bathing, sitting around in your underwear,............unitil she gets fed up, and comes to you with suitcases in hand, crying telling you that she's leaving you becuase you're no longer the man you were when you first meet, (Works everytime according to the comedian Sam Kinison)

 

There's a survey on Marriagebuilders, I believe its under the emotional needs inventory that list a compliation of different things that people like to do or have interest in ~ go there, print it off, and tick off the things that interest you.

 

Get out of this mind-set that "I've got to be married! I've got to be in a relationship! Bull****. That's more social and cultural conditioning than anything else.

 

Because of the social and cultural norms of raising children, and the pyschological impact, the length of time to raise children being what it is etc. I absolutely believe that if possiible, a father and mother of a child should get and stay married for as long as possible.

 

But, having been there and done that ~ and with having my children "grown and gone" responsible and self-supporting, I really don't see to much attraction to getting married again.

 

PMS in women is well established, and suspected in men. What is less publicized and know is T-PMS in women. I believe that after being married for a while women come down with a sever case of it. What is T-PMS? "Tired of Putting Up With Men's ****!" Men come down with the male equivalent, ................T-PWS I guess?

 

Being single takes some getting use to, and as I said a lot of it is "learned"

Adpating and overcoming, as we say in the Marines.

 

Being married, and "in-love" has been proven to be a short term form of mental illness, ( Fed 2006 National Geographic and the book, "Brain Sex") which last from three to six years, after which it wears off. Brain scans show that its more akined to Obssessive~Compulsive disorder!? But it doesn't last. And there had damn well better be something to replace it when it does wear off)

 

Its addictive, and the bio-chemicals released in the brain housing group are strong. Just as strong as any "crack" or crystal meth.

 

In effect what you're going through is "withdraw" And, to get clean from your addiction (to him, to marriage, to "love") you're going to have to go cold turkey for awhile.

 

When I went through my divorce ~ sixteen years ago, I re-bounded into another relationship that lasted six and half years. That was eight years ago since she and went our separate ways. I made my mind up then and there that I was going to over-come and conqure my dependecy on the "love bug" and I became headstrong in my determination to "learn" how to life single and be alone.

 

Intially, I said to myself that I would give myself a year. But having just retired from a twenty year carrer in the Marine Corps and having re-joined the "real world" I had a lot of issues that blindsided me. The big one, was coming to terms with the fact that I had been "institutionalized" Although I'd never been in trouble with the law, nor in prison ~ the military is very much an institution. It took me watching "Shawshank Redemtion" for me to realize it.

 

I've been struggling, fighting, clawing, digging my way out of the pit that I fell into sixteen years ago ~ and it is only now that I'm getting back on top. The one single and greatest foe in all of this has been none other than myself! I could have been where I'm at now years and years ago, but it was me, myself and I that held myself back, and impeded my progess! As the cartoon strip Pogo of many years pass said, "We have found the enemy, and it is I!"

 

Your greatest demon in all of this isn't the XH, nor the next door negihbor, nor the mutual friends you once had, your worse enemy is you! Know yourself, conquer yourself, overcome yourself, and you will have won the greatest victory! (Roo posted a signature to that effect ~ you might want to seach for it)

[Guest]

here is how confident i am....i know this woman...who freaking spies on my everyday...i don't hide anything...i show her everything...and u know why? because it is the opposite of what she is doing. and, i don't think that they truly understand the importance of both sides....i am allowing...by coming here all the time and showing her what i could be doing...and that is really saying...see all this? i can drop this in a second for someone worth while...but what is she doing?

 

the exact opposite....and all this shows is the difference between us....look - would u rather believe someone that can take the hits from those behind bunkers or someone that that throws the bomb under cover....really....not a toughie....i don't want someone that continues to state how weak i am when i am actually showing the opposite...and doing so not even to prove a point....when u look at it, one person is not even trying and the other one is just building strength....explain to me why someone would want to be with the very person they are hiding from and judging....explain to me what the motivation is behind the actions of this ok?

 

i really have no fear because i'll just end up where i want to be anyways...and besides...i challenge this person to explain what is the actual point behind this anyway...can u?

[Krisp]

Ok, I hear you... It doesn't make it any easier though. Last night we talked and we were both bored... He said he was going out to eat and I was too. He went somewhere I don't like to go and made a comment that if i were to meet him it would be as friends only. I said I wasn't going because I didn't like that place and he commented that I shouldn't pretend that I wasn't thinking about having sex with him. I said I wasn't and he laughed and said, "Yea right" to which I replied, "Look who brought it up!" Then I let him know that if he were going to hook up with someone it would be best not to let me know about it because I seriously could not tolerate that pain. He said, "Likewise" he doesn't want to know of any one I would be with.

 

WHY?!? do guys always go there? How could he not realize that the last thing on earth I would do right now in my life is go shag some frickin' stranger, EEEEEWE... I have told him during all this that I will never replace him, I couldn't ... I don't want to... I never will!

So do you guys think he's at that transitioning point of being single? I can't even comprehend it. Is something wrong with me?

[dgiirl]

It sounds like the two of you are in the "messed" up stage. The night my exh left, he sat me down and told me not to have anyone in our bed because that would be strange and would just mess me up emotionally. Here he was leaving me, the last thing on my mind was meeting someone else, let alone sleeping with them, and he's telling me not to sleep with anyone in our bed as if 1) i was a little child, and he's my parent telling me what to do, 2) i was a slut and would just sleep with anyone who came by. I still dont understand what the hell he was thinking by saying that, but a few days later I find out he's cheating on me.

 

I do know that during the initial phase, a lot of weird things are said on both sides. Try not to read too much into it.

 

And sorry for giving you the wrong advice I thought you were actually asking what kind of things you can do to pass the time and not asking for an ear None of it is easy, but it does get better in time, trust in that!

[king of sorrow]

Well, my eighteen year relationship is dying... The friendship is sort of still there but the marriage is gone. We decided to divorce on September 1st he moved out on October 13th and It's been TOUGH!!!!! Yesterday I wanted to die but I woke up this morning feeling stronger and more hopeful for the future. This is the absolute worse thing that has ever happened to me and yet it needs to happen. I'm pissed, hurt and wicked scared all at the same time. However, I don't feel the need to call him tonight. I guess I'd like to, but I don't need to. It's a start i suppose.

But what's a girl to do?

 

It's so quiet here and everything is clean. This is all I really have to do. Theres no one to visit and I'm not emotionally strong enough to go out alone yet. Besides that, I would run into people that know me and know that I'm HIS wife. Then I'd have to look at their pathetic faces as they show thier concern and shock that this has happened.

I'm sick of renting movies and I don't like the radio anymore. The radio plays to many songs of ours.

What am I suppose to do? How do I move on and learn to be comfortably alone? Any suggestions would be great....

 

 

 

I'm a man and I feel the exact same. You're totally fine to feel the way feel. I've pretty much closed everyone out because I want no sympathy. I think it's mainly embarrassment that I feel. All of my so-called friends have moved away and are to busy or have forgotten the negative input they have given. I feel all alone everyday. I talk to my ex when I feel my head is straight and no matter what I try to respect her but I don't put her first. Please understand this and take care of yourself

[CastingPearls]

It's a hard thing to divorce after many years. Even if the relationship was bad for a long time, it was what you were used to. Starting over by yourself is a painfully slow process. There are lots of good suggestions here and making a list of things you want to do is a great start. I married at 20 and divorced at 46. It was strange making decisions without consulting someone else first and having so much free time that I didn't know what to do with myself. It's been 18 months and has gotten much better. Try to get to know yourself again, find out what makes you happy and treat yourself well. Keep looking forward with anticipation of good times to come. The most difficult thing is to let go of the part of you that wishes it never had to end at all.