Will separation benefit our relationship?

[MrsConfused]

My husband of 7 years believes that he needs to move out of our home so that he can clear his mind and decide if he wants to pursue working on our marriage. He said he needs time to himself to "figure things out." Unfortunately, we don't have money for this to work so he is proposing to move in with his family, who lives 2 states away from our home.

 

I don't want him to go because I feel that he won't come back (I feel like that will be the end), but at the same time I don't want to suffocate him by forcing him to stay here (not that I could/would force him to do anything.)

 

I just need to hear from other people that have gone through trial separations and see if it really benefits anyone. All I've been able to find online is that it is only recommended as a last resort and if there is abuse; there is none in our relationship, just a lot of hurt feelings.

 

I'm 26 years old, I've been with him since I was 16; married at 19 and I just can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what to do to keep him, but I don't want to hold on too tightly either. Please help!

[Guest]

in every case, where that has happened to me, it usually is the end of a relationship...but u always have to let them go

 

if they truly believe that to find themself, that they need you out of the picture, that should be enuff to know where their head is at

 

whenever i need to find myself i always choose to do so with my partner - that way they are in the loop.....separation and time and distance do nothing to bring people together....that is just my opinion....it may work for others...never has for me....i don't want someone taking years off and creating memories and sharing experiences that will always have me 'out of the loop' on them...i realized that when i did a solo trip thru the rockies....i kept saying to myself 'hey, look at that freaking mountain...' i was talking to myself...that experience was only mine...so, i cut my trip off early and went back to the one i wanted to share that with...unfortunately the wife wasn't pleased i was back because she was doing her own buzzz.....that's when i knew i would be spending the next couple of years sleeping in separate beds - lol

 

my 2 cents

[FlyingHigh]

What are his reasons/excuse for wanting a trial separation? Is your husband having an affair?

 

Usually when a spouse says the following keywords:

"I need space"

"I need to figure things out"

"I don't know if I love you anymore"

"I'm not sure if I'm in love with you anymore"

"I need to find myself"

 

yada-yada-yada.... It's usually means I want to have my cake and eat it too. They want to see if it's greener on the other side.

 

Have you two considered marriage counseling?

 

And if he's having an affair (apologize for assuming here, but...)and you can't prove it, there are ways to find out.

 

Hopefully that this isn't the case.

 

Perhaps you can tell us more.

[FlyingHigh]

My stbxh thought it was greener on the other side. But all he found when he jumped over the fence was that he landed on big pile of sh*t! Now he can't get rid of the stench.... It (his dishonesty and lying ways) will follow him to his grave....

[Mike F]

I've been through a number of reconciliations/separations in my 7 year marriage.

 

Separation is good in the sense that both are apart and can think things through and figure out what else can be done to make things better or whether to end things or not.

 

There is no cut and dried answer to separation whether it helps or hurts a relationship. Like anything you just do what feels right and hope for the best.

[PWSX3]

My stbxh thought it was greener on the other side. But all he found when he jumped over the fence was that he landed on big pile of sh*t! Now he can't get rid of the stench.... It (his dishonesty and lying ways) will follow him to his grave....

 

And why do you think it looks greener on the other side? Because of all that sunshine your stbxh stepped in....:laugh:

[Gunny376]

Its hard to define ~ more times than not its as FH said ~ they're having an affair of some sort on some level ~ or at least they're wanting to pursue that.

 

In others they're truly are trying to find themselves. Especialy if they've just been through a life alternating ~ changing experience, such as coming back from a combat tour in Iraq.

 

Given that he's wanting to move back in with his parent two or three states away ~ gives credence to the second one of the above unless he's wanting to hook up with an old hometown flame from back in the day?

[FlyingHigh]

My take on the "moving in with parents" in another state is a smoke screen to let the spouse "think" that what he's doing is innocent and genuine.

 

You're probably right Gunny that he's trying to hook up with an old flame or someone he met on the net who happens to live there. What adult or grown man would move back home with their parents? It's BS! He won't "find himself" in his Mama's house. But his Mama will probably do his laundry and cook his meals. That's very grown up....

[Ssheena]

I heard the same thing from my xhusband. He was having an affair. He would not go to counseling. He gave me some money and told me to take the kids to the states while he thought about it. While I was in Florida with the kids and going to Disney World and Sea World and crying all the time and being a wreck, I found out he had taken off his wedding ring and moved out of our house and in with his girlfriend and when I got back to Germany I found a receipt for a hotel in Venice on our anniversary date where he took his girlfriend that he had already moved in with. Yup, been through hell and came out stronger on the other side. My kids were 5 and 6 and were the ONLY thing that kept me from killing myself or going completely wacko and just going to a nice mental hospital (both of which seemed very attractive).

Please take care of yourself now.

[Guest]

There is no single answer. Some people need to realize what they may lose by going away. Others do use the separation as a smokescreen. Point is, you can't force him to stay. Hope that what he realizes when he's away is that he's really better off with you. And if that doesn't happen, it will be unfortunate but, again, nothing else you can do.

[Great Gazoo]

[quote=MrsConfused;969214

I don't want him to go because I feel that he won't come back (I feel like that will be the end)

 

 

Can I ask you why you would feel this way, is it a gut feeling. What gives you this idea? Is it because he will be going out of state? Would it matter if he was still close to you, as in the same city. I think that for some it might be good to take a break from each other. I think you would know if it is genuine or a smoke screen.

[MrsConfused]

Yes, he did have an affair. He told me that he feels we got married too early and that he never got to experience a "bachelor's" life. I'm trying to tell him that it's not all it's cracked up to be, but yes, he is looking to see if the grass is greener on the other side. He told me that he wants to experience a lot of other sexual situations, multiple partners, swinging, etc. I told him that I could never allow that in our marriage and now he is considering his options. I hate to make an "ultimatum" like that, but that is something I have to put my foot down on.

 

He said that he wants to make decisions in his life without having to take anyone elses feelings or wishes into consideration. He is basically on a trek of selfish discovery. He is starting to be more reasonable about things, but he is still trying to decided if he WANTS to work on our marriage.

[MrsConfused]

Yes, it's a gut feeling. Unfortunately, he shares it with me. He feels that he needs some space, but he also feels that if we're apart right now it will probably be the end of our relationship. It's a very scary feeling.

[MrsConfused]

It's hard to say, Gunny. Part of me understands that he needs his space, but another, bigger part of me feels that he would just use that time to either cheat on me again or finalize his plans to leave me.

[MrsConfused]

Yes, FlyingHigh, he said every single one of those things to me. Scary. It's like hearing them all over again. ;(

 

He told me that he's never really been himself, that he's only been what he thought everyone expected him to be; the perfect son, the perfect husband, the perfect sibling, etc. etc. Now he says that he's tired of that and he wants to live for himself. Please understand, we've had a wonderful marriage, people often think we are still newly weds. We fight, yes, and we have no more problems than any other married couple, but one day he just snapped. Now I'm trying to pick up the pieces and figure out if it's really just me? or is it really just him? Is it that he just doesn't want to be with me anymore, or is it that he's just being selfish? And how long do I wait for him to "figure things out?"

[Gunny376]

Hate to be the bearer of bad news ~ but drop this guy like a bad habit. No half-stepping, no begging, no pleading, no crying (at least in front of him) just drop the biggest bomb you can on him. Divorce him.

 

His heads in fantasy la~la land. Married or single life is what you the individual make of it. Either way you go it takes years to acquire the necessary coping skills to deal with the everyday. I know there are some that will argue that ~ since some have never been married ~ and already have the skills necessary for dealing with single life.

 

It costs money to date and and he doesn't even have the money for his own place? WTF. I mean what's he going to do, tell some woman "Hey, lets go back to my room at my parent's house. Yea, right. Women have a word for grown men that still live at home with their parents ~ "losers"

 

I'd be telling him ~ you walk out that door, its over! And, there's no coming back. The only way that I see where you have even a chance of snapping his head back out of the clouds, is to issue an ultimatium. Either your in the marriage or your not ~ there's no middle ground here. The only chance you've got of saving your marriage is to "man-up" and draw the line, and apply "tough love"

 

Its all or nothing. In for a penny ~ in for a pound! There can be no room for "doubts" etc.

[anna13]

Yes, FlyingHigh, he said every single one of those things to me. Scary. It's like hearing them all over again. ;(

 

He told me that he's never really been himself, that he's only been what he thought everyone expected him to be; the perfect son, the perfect husband, the perfect sibling, etc. etc. Now he says that he's tired of that and he wants to live for himself. Please understand, we've had a wonderful marriage, people often think we are still newly weds. We fight, yes, and we have no more problems than any other married couple, but one day he just snapped. Now I'm trying to pick up the pieces and figure out if it's really just me? or is it really just him? Is it that he just doesn't want to be with me anymore, or is it that he's just being selfish? And how long do I wait for him to "figure things out?"

He told me that he's never really been himself, that he's only been what he thought everyone expected him to be; the perfect son, the perfect husband, the perfect sibling, etc. etc. Now he says that he's tired of that and he wants to live for himself. Please understand, we've had a wonderful marriage, people often think we are still newly weds. We fight, yes, and we have no more problems than any other married couple, but one day he just snapped. Now I'm trying to pick up the pieces and figure out if it's really just me? or is it really just him? Is it that he just doesn't want to be with me anymore, or is it that he's just being selfish? And how long do I wait for him to "figure things out?"

I know you said before that he wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side . . not only that but he wants to experience a three some ect . I think that he is being selfish .if he is seperating to see if the marriage can be saved that is one thing but when he starts taking already about wanting to see other people and experience different sexual experiences that doesnt sound like he wants to work on your marriage together.

I dont think that seperation is always the end of a marriage it can help but only if both parties involved do their part to make it work . moving to another state will be extremely difficult to rebuild something . but i do know how difficult it is . and it is not imposible . definitly try not to beg or plead for him to stay or what not. I just think that moving to another state is pretty drastic. but i know what you mean by financially ... is there a friend he could stay with for a few months instead? that would make more sense to me then moving out of state.

[anna13]

ignore the above I messed it up somehow here is what I am trying to say ...

 

I know you said before that he wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side . . not only that but he wants to experience a three some ect . I think that he is being selfish .if he is seperating to see if the marriage can be saved that is one thing but when he starts taking already about wanting to see other people and experience different sexual experiences that doesnt sound like he wants to work on your marriage together.

I dont think that seperation is always the end of a marriage it can help but only if both parties involved do their part to make it work . moving to another state will be extremely difficult to rebuild something . but i do know how difficult it is . and it is not imposible . definitly try not to beg or plead for him to stay or what not. I just think that moving to another state is pretty drastic. but i know what you mean by financially ... is there a friend he could stay with for a few months instead? that would make more sense to me then moving out of state.

[jmargel]

My husband of 7 years believes that he needs to move out of our home so that he can clear his mind and decide if he wants to pursue working on our marriage. He said he needs time to himself to "figure things out." Unfortunately, we don't have money for this to work so he is proposing to move in with his family, who lives 2 states away from our home.

 

I don't want him to go because I feel that he won't come back (I feel like that will be the end), but at the same time I don't want to suffocate him by forcing him to stay here (not that I could/would force him to do anything.)

 

I just need to hear from other people that have gone through trial separations and see if it really benefits anyone. All I've been able to find online is that it is only recommended as a last resort and if there is abuse; there is none in our relationship, just a lot of hurt feelings.

 

I'm 26 years old, I've been with him since I was 16; married at 19 and I just can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what to do to keep him, but I don't want to hold on too tightly either. Please help!

 

So you two have major communication problems to the point that seperation is out there, however instead of working on that he believes that by moving two states away is going to improve it?

 

I think not.

 

You two really need marriage counseling.

[Mz. Pixie]

He told me that he wants to experience a lot of other sexual situations, multiple partners, swinging, etc. I told him that I could never allow that in our marriage and now he is considering his options.

 

But yet, if you separate and he moves two states away, that's basically what you're doing. Allowing it.

 

This guy is living in a dream world. Does he think it's that easy to find people or rather women who will tolerate those kinds of actions???

 

Seriously, what you're doing is allowing him to go out there and see what it's like (while separated) and then perhaps he might want to come back- if he doesn't find anything better.

 

Tell him if he wants to separate and move two states away that you'll take that as a sign that your marriage is over. Period. That you have more self respect for yourself than to be married to him, two states away, while he goes out and does whatever he wants to do sexually.

 

And really, do have more self respect for yourself than to allow this to happen. Those kinds of things- swinging, etc usually destroy even the strongest of marriages.

 

Why would you want to stay with someone who would disrepect you that much??

 

And while he's in the moving mood, go ahead and have your lawyer draw up divorce papers favorable to you- if he wants to get out that bad he'll sign them. Then, go about taking care of yourself and making your life what you want it to be. There are more fish in the sea- men who will honor you and will want ONLY you. And be honored to have you.

[Gunny376]

But yet, if you separate and he moves two states away, that's basically what you're doing. Allowing it.

 

This guy is living in a dream world. Does he think it's that easy to find people or rather women who will tolerate those kinds of actions???

 

Seriously, what you're doing is allowing him to go out there and see what it's like (while separated) and then perhaps he might want to come back- if he doesn't find anything better.

 

Tell him if he wants to separate and move two states away that you'll take that as a sign that your marriage is over. Period. That you have more self respect for yourself than to be married to him, two states away, while he goes out and does whatever he wants to do sexually.

 

And really, do have more self respect for yourself than to allow this to happen. Those kinds of things- swinging, etc usually destroy even the strongest of marriages.

 

Why would you want to stay with someone who would disrepect you that much??

 

And while he's in the moving mood, go ahead and have your lawyer draw up divorce papers favorable to you- if he wants to get out that bad he'll sign them. Then, go about taking care of yourself and making your life what you want it to be. There are more fish in the sea- men who will honor you and will want ONLY you. And be honored to have you.

 

As we say in the Marine Corps ~

 

OooohRaaah! Get some!

[ilmw]

He told me that he's never really been himself, that he's only been what he thought everyone expected him to be; the perfect son, the perfect husband, the perfect sibling, etc. etc. Now he says that he's tired of that and he wants to live for himself. Please understand, we've had a wonderful marriage, people often think we are still newly weds. We fight, yes, and we have no more problems than any other married couple, but one day he just snapped. Now I'm trying to pick up the pieces and figure out if it's really just me? or is it really just him? Is it that he just doesn't want to be with me anymore, or is it that he's just being selfish? And how long do I wait for him to "figure things out?"

I know you said before that he wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side . . not only that but he wants to experience a three some ect . I think that he is being selfish .if he is seperating to see if the marriage can be saved that is one thing but when he starts taking already about wanting to see other people and experience different sexual experiences that doesnt sound like he wants to work on your marriage together.

I dont think that seperation is always the end of a marriage it can help but only if both parties involved do their part to make it work . moving to another state will be extremely difficult to rebuild something . but i do know how difficult it is . and it is not imposible . definitly try not to beg or plead for him to stay or what not. I just think that moving to another state is pretty drastic. but i know what you mean by financially ... is there a friend he could stay with for a few months instead? that would make more sense to me then moving out of state.

 

Ok...

 

I too know what it is to be the person who has to be the perfect everything... in my family... id be considered the "golden boy"... they guy who has done everthing... always surprised everyone... in a good way..

 

After awhile that can get to you....expectations ... BUT!!!

 

Once I became married... I made the commitment that my family would come first.... (oops.. more pressure)...

 

Luckly I had gotten all my sinful wishes out of the way before marriage..

 

Your H should have gotten past the wishful thinking ... before marriage... you know this I know this... but ... he seems not too.

 

I for one am astounded at how so many people get married with out fufilling certain things in there life.... personal things....(umm 3 some )

 

Going here and there.. doesn't count... Im talking about .. character building stuff.

 

You talk about your H with what sometimes sounds like admiration.. (could be the love talking).. What about him to you admire?? I'm curious. It also might help you focus .. on what you should do.. (change him into a different light..???. )

 

Try that little exercise....? and report back to me.....

ilmw