two years later.. still feeling the guilt

[Guest]

I know what I did was wrong, I'm hoping not to get slammed for my huge mistake as the mental guilt has haunted me for over two years.

 

I was with my ex-husband for 5 years, in 2002 we were married, in 2003 we had a son. In 2004 I met a man while working and cheated on him.

 

a few months later my husband found out about the affairs, I left him and the man whom I was having the affair with left his wife, we moved in together. I loved him and we married this year .

 

The issue is this, my ex never did anything wrong, he was a great husband and a wonderful father. I just felt I loved the "other man" more. Since I left my ex in 2004 I have not been able to get past the guilt of what I did to our marriage and family, I cry about it almost weekly and think about it almost daily. The things I did and how it all came to an end were horrible- I feel so badly for my ex and what I have done to his life. I have taken away his family, his home and his true love.

 

I have moved on, but he is still alone and he reminds me weekly about my horrible actions two years ago. Some days I feel I made a huge mistake, other days I don't.

 

The truth of the matter is, I can't forgive myself and don't think I ever will lose this awful wrenching pit of guilt within me. Sometimes I wish I could just run away... or wake up and realize this was all a bad dream... you ever ask yourself ~if you could go back in time, what point in your life would you go back to? I did... and I would go back to 2004. I'm not saying I want to go back to my ex, rather change the way things happened and how I treated him at the time. I know why I did the things I did and be the cold bitch that I was, it was to stop the pain I was dealing with and not feel guilt about what I was doing then. Boy did that backfire! all that guilt that I pent up inside has now haunted me ever minute since I walked out the door.

 

I'm sorry boo's, I'm sorry.