getting discouraged...

[Guest]

Hi everyone,

 

My bf and I have been together for 7+ years. He is 26 and I'm 27. We both have stable jobs and are financially independent. We've talked about marriage before, but he still says that he's not ready. At this point in my life, I'm ready to get married. I don't want to be too old before we start having kids, and I want to be able to spend a few years just enjoying being married. We've talked about this before...and he agrees that he wants to get married, but that he's not ready. I'm just getting so frustrated because after 7 years, what is he waiting for? It's not like we have any financial responsibilities to pay off before we get married...we both hardly have any student loans. I look around me and all of our friends are engaged, or married and starting their families. I don't want to keep bringing up the subject because I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to force it on him. What do I do? I'm getting so discouraged that this will never happen...

[norajane]

Have you asked him what specifically he's not ready for? Have you asked specifically what he needs/wants in order to be ready and when he thinks he might be ready?

 

He might not be ready to give up his "freedom" to do what he wants when he wants. He might not be ready to think of himself as an adult or grown up. He might not be ready to be accountable to a wife regarding his decisions about everything from how much he spends on a new stereo to what kind of house to live in to when it's time to come home for dinner or if he needs to come home to dinner. He might not be ready to share a living space. He might not be ready to "settle down" permanently with one woman. He might not be ready to deal with in-laws.

[Walk]

I suppose we could all sit here and list things that "could be" why he isn't ready for marriage... but the fact of the matter is we don't know. The only way you'll really get to the heart of the matter is to ask some unbiased questions and listen without getting upset, emotional, or hurt by anything he says.

 

If he has any fears floating around his head that might involve questioning whether he should legally bind his life to yours for eternity.... He probably won't feel really comfortable talking to you. Especially if he doesn't have any concrete solid thoughts behind the fears. Kind of like when you think there's something wrong, but you aren't sure what... It's hard to have a "discussion" on it when you're still trying to work out why you think something is wrong, and what it is.

 

Anyway.. My suggestion is to give him free reign to talk about anything on his mind regarding marriage, and for you NOT to react to any of it. Just keep asking questions off of what he says, or things you may have deduced from knowing him. Basically, let him do 99% of the talking, and you just ask questions to keep the convo going, don't interject your thoughts or opinions in. It'd be about what's on his mind, and what he thinks about marriage and life... The more comfortable he feels that you aren't going to get upset, or emotional, the more comfortable he'll be in expressing his thoughts.

 

Aside from this.. the one thing I wonder is if he is hestitant because he doesn't have any other relationships to really compare this one to. He's been dating you since he was a teenager. How would he know this was a great relationship? How would he know you're "the one"? He's never really looked at anyone else... except for the teen flings we all have as kids. I'm sure he loves you and doesn't want any one else.. but still, we're human, we question everything.. especially if it's a "for life" decision.

[insomnie]

Aside from this.. the one thing I wonder is if he is hestitant because he doesn't have any other relationships to really compare this one to. He's been dating you since he was a teenager. How would he know this was a great relationship? How would he know you're "the one"? He's never really looked at anyone else... except for the teen flings we all have as kids. I'm sure he loves you and doesn't want any one else.. but still, we're human, we question everything.. especially if it's a "for life" decision.

 

Walk, how do you think people deal with this kind of thing? I ask becuase I can see myself in the exact same situation a couple of years down the road if I stay together with my current boyfriend, and I am wondering how people resolve those issues in their heads. Or, is young love destined for failure?

[jaylee]

I'm in the exact same situation. My BF and I have been dating for 7 years. I'm 25, he's 26. We have good, stable jobs. We recently purchased a house - which we own jointly - this past January. (This is also the first time we've shared a living space).

 

I thought for sure that once we moved in, the ring wouldn't be too far behind. Well, it's almost been one whole year and guess what? STILL NO RING. He's been telling that me he's "saving up" for one, yet in the next breath, he tells me that he's planning to buy a new stereo system for our living room, which, by my estimate, will end up costing the same if not more than an engagement ring. Apparently he's confided in my younger brother (who's 23) that he's "saving" for one. That he's setting aside money from each pay check. He's also told me that - back in the summer. So either this ring is going to be GIGANTIC (he does make decent money), or he's simply been talking out of his ass to pacify me.

 

He gave me a promise ring two years ago as a Christmas present, and he still says he will hold to his word, but for God's sake, WHEN? I know that if you love a person, then you'll wait an eternity, blah blah blah, but I really do want the security of being married. Living together and NOT being married really isn't the same - I don't care what anybody says. How long are we expected to wait? Why do some men have this "mental checklist" of things they MUST, no, NEED to obtain before they can even contemplate marriage? If you're waiting for the "right" moment or the "right" time, then you'll be waiting forever. The reality is that there is NO "right" time, you just take the plunge at the best possible moment. It's not exactly a snap decision either, mind you, but it shouldn't take YEARS to mull over.

 

I always feel so discouraged when yet another friend of mine announces an engagement, especially when she's been dating her boyfriend for a lesser amount of time.

 

*Sigh* Who knows. I'll wait awhile longer only to see what these next few months bring, but I really will not wait forever.

[norajane]

I'm in the exact same situation. My BF and I have been dating for 7 years. I'm 25, he's 26. We have good, stable jobs. We recently purchased a house - which we own jointly - this past January. (This is also the first time we've shared a living space).

 

I thought for sure that once we moved in, the ring wouldn't be too far behind. Well, it's almost been one whole year and guess what? STILL NO RING. He's been telling that me he's "saving up" for one, yet in the next breath, he tells me that he's planning to buy a new stereo system for our living room, which, by my estimate, will end up costing the same if not more than an engagement ring. Apparently he's confided in my younger brother (who's 23) that he's "saving" for one. That he's setting aside money from each pay check. He's also told me that - back in the summer. So either this ring is going to be GIGANTIC (he does make decent money), or he's simply been talking out of his ass to pacify me.

 

He gave me a promise ring two years ago as a Christmas present, and he still says he will hold to his word, but for God's sake, WHEN? I know that if you love a person, then you'll wait an eternity, blah blah blah, but I really do want the security of being married. Living together and NOT being married really isn't the same - I don't care what anybody says. How long are we expected to wait? Why do some men have this "mental checklist" of things they MUST, no, NEED to obtain before they can even contemplate marriage? If you're waiting for the "right" moment or the "right" time, then you'll be waiting forever. The reality is that there is NO "right" time, you just take the plunge at the best possible moment. It's not exactly a snap decision either, mind you, but it shouldn't take YEARS to mull over.

 

I always feel so discouraged when yet another friend of mine announces an engagement, especially when she's been dating her boyfriend for a lesser amount of time.

 

*Sigh* Who knows. I'll wait awhile longer only to see what these next few months bring, but I really will not wait forever.

 

Why would you buy a house with someone if you're not married? What happens if you break up? Does one of you buy the other out, or do you have to sell the house and split the proceeds?

 

The way I see your situation, he can't possibly feel a sense of urgency here. He's got you, he's got the house, he's got the whole package. Why would he be in any rush to get married at this point?

[adnCat]

Let me just say before anyone else suggests this... One of my least favorite responses to this kind of thing- "Why don't YOU propose to HIM?" Most women I know want to be proposed to, and most men I know find this unacceptable. Really, if a guy isn't ready to propose, should you put him in a situation where he is being proposed to? It sounds like a bad idea to me. So please, I'm sure Guest has already thought of it and nixed the idea for one reason or another, so don't say it!

 

Obviously you love him, which is why you want to marry him. But you want things for yourself (marriage and kids) and need to do what is best for you. This doesn't mean "leave him now." It means set yourself a reasonable deadline that you are willing to wait. You can even be generous if you want. The thing is, you have to stick with it. I think if you change your behavior, he will propose before you get to the deadline. The deadline is just a failsafe for your future should it come down to that.

 

Okay, now, what behavior do you need to change? I guess it depends on your situation. Google "seal the deal and make him commit" and "get him to commit cosmo" You should get a couple cosmo articles (okay, I know you are thinking cosmo is a cracked-out publication, and I mostly agree, having stopped reading it at 19 because I realized how ridiculous it was, but these actually make sense!). Anyway, the articles has some good tips, like make yourself less available, move out, get new hobbies. THings that are all designed to let him know that he is not the center of your universe. If he really does want to marry you, than it will make him want to "seal the deal" before he is too far on the outskirts of your life. If he doesn't want to marry you, than it will push him away and make it easier for him to end it. This sounds bad, but it is GOOD! You don't want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you, right?

 

Also, you can search an old thread here, posted by ou812 titled "advice on getting him to propose." The OP's situation is different (older, has a kid) but some of the advice in later pages is pretty general for the topic. I haven't read it all, but I googling the cosmo article and this thread also came up, since they referenced the same article.

 

Good luck.