my wife has trust issues

[buu]

My wife is going trough some trust issues with our relationship right now. I knew she had a jealous side but I figured what woman doesn’t. But now it’s a little irritating. She checks my computer and has issues with me going to certain websites. Mind you that I went only for entertainment and that’s it. I have promised her I won’t go there any more but she is still paranoid that I created a new online identity. Yes I have done things in the past that was way before her time. Apparently it never settled well with her. She monitors what I do online and constantly checking where I go and for what reason. I don’t even hang out with my friends anymore because she don’t like me staying out past 10 pm. Every now and then I see her online reading tips on how others caught their man cheating & what to do about divorce. It hurts my feelings when I see this but I don’t tell her because it’s a pointless argument. There is a good chance she will see this message but frankly I don’t care because I’m tired of the games. She never tells me why she is thinking this way and takes forever to get to the point that she found something that might be suspicious. She even has her coworkers checking on me. (and he was dead @$$ wrong about what he saw)

 

My question is am I wrong for feeling this way? Do I deserve to be treated this way? Or am I just paranoid that she is being paranoid?

[Carbine]

Your wife's behaviour sounds strikingly similar to mine. I'm the most jealous female you'll ever come across, seriously. I also have severe self-esteem issues. Because of this, I'm always trying to catch my bf out. Not necessarily cheating in the sense of having sex with someone else, but any sort of association with another female, even just glancing at one breifly. I go through his phone constantly, his emails, his personal belonings, i question his friends secretly, and am always trying to catch him out and even start fights on purpose.

 

I know this sounds extreme but keep in mind that jealousy is an IRRATIONAL emotion and if you haven't deeply suffered from it personally, it can be impossibly hard to get your head around.

 

You said that you always knew your wife was jealous but imply that it's become worse lately? Have you done anything, even something seemingly trivial, to provoke this response?

 

I dont know your wife personally, so I'm not going to say 'do this or do that'. All i can suggest is that you really need to think about why she's acting this way, try and gauge the extent of her issues, and think about how both of your actions may affect things down the track. Maybe it's a phase. She might not have deep seated issues and may get over her jealousy. But if it turns out her issues are deeper than this, then you might be in for some rocky times (speaking from experience). My bf has tried not to give in to my jealousy and has asserted his apparent 'rights' as a male by continuing to look at porn and go to the occasional strip club or bux night. I wouldn't recommend this approach. Personally his actions just increased my paranoia one hundred fold and put an even greater strain on our relationship. On the other hand he's also tried to be very reassuring telling me that he finds me incredibly attractive, and promising not to look at other girls etc. But it's already planted in my head that he finds other women attractive, and no matter how i look at it, it hurts like hell and drives me insane and does bugger all to stop my paranoia.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about her taking the advice from people on online message boards. I look at these things too. Its more of a way to gauge how typical my situation is, and to see how other people react. Give her some credit - she's not going to divorce you just because some stranger on a message board did this themselves.

 

Personally, (and you may not agree with this) i think you're just going to have to have it out with her - MAKE her talk to you about it. Provoke her into it, back her into a goddamn corner until she is forced to start talking. Obviously it probably won't be pleasant and will probably involve screaming, swearing and tears but at least its a starting point and you can get some insight into how she's feeling and why she's acting a certain way.

 

You're in a really difficult situation to put it bluntly and because i'm an outsider i can honestly say that i feel sorry for you. It could very easily turn into an ongoing lose-lose situation which is just going to deteriorate over time. All i can say is for godsakes, TREAD CAREFULLY.

[norajane]

Sounds like if you do nothing, soon enough, you'll be chained to her side 24/7 with no life of your own just so she can be sure you're not doing anything "wrong".

 

Perhaps you ought to suggest marriage counseling. Tell her that her paranoia and jealousy is causing a serious strain on your relationship, that it's making you unhappy, that you feel like you're constantly under a microscope, that you don't believe she trusts you AT ALL, that she's constantly waiting for you to f*ck up, that you don't want to feel like a criminal in your own home, and that SHE must be truly miserable if she feels the need to do all that checking up on you and monitoring and feeling jealous all the time.

 

You have to deal with this, whether it's by going to counseling yourself so that you can figure out if your marriage is worth accepting the surveillance, or whether it's her going to counseling to learn to manage her jealousy and insecurity, or whether it's both of you going to counseling and honestly communicating how you're feeling, or all of the above.

 

Good luck.