yes, it does happen - MM is separating

[FlyingHigh]

YesMaybe,

 

I am really, really thrilled for you that your MM is finally putting his foot down and building his life with you.

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

I think that most posters here are mean spirited and callous. You DO NOT need to defend yourself to these people! (Unless, that's what you want to do.)

 

Who do these people think they are anyway? Who can tell us what the future holds for any of us???? In fact, how many of these *cynical* posters who bashed you have a romantic relationship with their SO? (I'll bet it's less than 5%.)

 

I think that you were brave and smart. You held out.. and you finally got what you've been fighting for. So good for you.

 

Being in a state of love and passion is difficult... And making it last will be even more so. But having experienced it once - even for a brief moment - is something that is priceless. And how many of us can say that we truly love our SO?

 

Enjoy what you have. I wish I have what you've got.

Again, this is a public forum.

 

I think there's a saying that goes like this: "If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen?"

 

Every day/moment, there is some married person with or without children, but nevertheless very married, who will make the conscious decision to cross that line. And at that very same moment, there is another person who is feeling the need to fulfill something lacking in their personal lives. Before you know it, an affair evolves.

 

Experts say an affair is a fantasy, and illusion and an escape from reality. The problem with an illusion is that it has no flaws. It doesn't account for STDs, loss of reputation, in some instances where affairers work for the same company -their jobs, and financial consequences. And when there are children involve as with this poster, they end up paying for the choices their parents make.

 

The affair itself has been compared to the likeness of a drug addict. The passion, lust, sex all in secrecy is what makes the affair the more exciting and in many cases lasts. Like drug addicts, they will do what it takes to get their fix whether or not via phone, email, texts, secret rendevous at hotels, etc. And once their fix wears off, like drug addicts, they'll find ways to get their next fix. Rather than fixing a nice family meal, they'll opt for take outs or drive thrus. Bedtime stories are cut short. Instead of eating the lunch their spouse/SO made, it gets tossed because they have lunch date. Instead of coming home when they're supposed to, the cheater calls and gives the innocent spouse/SO the classic excuse of "I have to work late." Over time, they have perfected the art of lying and cheating.

 

It's a wonder how people are more afraid of the IRS than the thought of risking lsoing everything, personal integrity, job, self-respect and the respect of colleagues, family and their children because of the choice one makes------to have an affair.

[Freedom Now]

Why is it inconceivable for some to believe that perhaps there could be LOVE involved in some affairs? Why must everything be put into a neat little box?

 

There are no absolutes.

 

And, BTW, I didn't feel the need to fill some "need" in my life. I didn't know he was married.

[Touche]

One can never be too sure Touche.............my MM is proof of that. His W would never even possibly have a hint of a thought that her H would cheat on her. They've been M for over 15 years, and she thinks she knows him so well. And he has been with me for over a year, just shows that everyone isn't who you think they are. It can happen to anyone.

 

I'm not saying that your M isn't happy and that he would cheat on you, but it does happen.

 

As for YM, i wish you luck. You both seem to have really thought this through, and you know what you are getting yourself into. I wish you all the happiness that you deserve.

 

One can never too sure? I don't know about that. I'm as sure as one can get that my H would never cheat on me. All of his dealings with other people, not just me, tell me what kind of man he is. He is an honorable, upstanding man. I can give you examples by the hundreds to illustrate his character but why bother? I won't convince you or anyone else that sometimes you CAN be "too sure" about someone and BE RIGHT ABOUT IT!

[stillhere]

One can never too sure? I don't know about that. I'm as sure as one can get that my H would never cheat on me. All of his dealings with other people, not just me, tell me what kind of man he is. He is an honorable, upstanding man. I can give you examples by the hundreds to illustrate his character but why bother? I won't convince you or anyone else that sometimes you CAN be "too sure" about someone and BE RIGHT ABOUT IT!

 

 

I'm just saying....................My MM's W and all his friends and everyone he knows could do the same. My MM is also an upstanding man who everyone loves and respects. He is the "go to" guy for everyone. He is the "perfect" man.

 

Everything isn't always cut and dry. Sometimes people aren't who you think they are.............

[Ladyjane14]

Why is it inconceivable for some to believe that perhaps there could be LOVE involved in some affairs? Why must everything be put into a neat little box?

 

There are no absolutes.

 

I'm in complete agreement with FlyingHigh. I personally know a guy who just recently lost EVERYTHING because of his affair. He had a nice house, a couple of great kids, a pretty and vivacious wife, a pretty good job. But now he's got none of those things, no job, no wife, and he's living with relatives 1000 miles away... so no home or kids.

 

FlyingHigh's not wrong. People really can lose everything they once valued, including their self-respect. I know for a fact that particular guy REALLY wishes he'd made a better decision back when it counted.

 

When compared to all that.... "What's Love Got To Do With It?"

[Touche]

I want to add something to what I said. I GUARANTEE that all of these cheating husbands have displayed their true characters in other ways other than cheating on their wives. It goes back to what I was saying about how my H treats others and how I've seen his values illustrated by his actions.

 

I'll just bet those guys are immoral or otherwise VERY inconsiderate in other ways in their lives.

[Touche]

I'm just saying....................My MM's W and all his friends and everyone he knows could do the same. My MM is also an upstanding man who everyone loves and respects. He is the "go to" guy for everyone. He is the "perfect" man.

 

Everything isn't always cut and dry. Sometimes people aren't who you think they are.............

 

I agree with you completely but what I'm saying is that sometimes..they ARE who you think they are.

[whichwayisup]

One can never be too sure Touche.............my MM is proof of that. His W would never even possibly have a hint of a thought that her H would cheat on her. They've been M for over 15 years, and she thinks she knows him so well. And he has been with me for over a year, just shows that everyone isn't who you think they are. It can happen to anyone.

 

One question - DO you really trust this man 100%? Don't you think it is possible that one day he could cheat on you? Not saying he will (0r won't), but never say never...

[Freedom Now]

I'm in complete agreement with FlyingHigh. I personally know a guy who just recently lost EVERYTHING because of his affair. He had a nice house, a couple of great kids, a pretty and vivacious wife, a pretty good job. But now he's got none of those things, no job, no wife, and he's living with relatives 1000 miles away... so no home or kids.

 

FlyingHigh's not wrong. People really can lose everything they once valued, including their self-respect. I know for a fact that particular guy REALLY wishes he'd made a better decision back when it counted.

 

When compared to all that.... "What's Love Got To Do With It?"

 

I am in no way discounting the devastation that affairs produce. I am sure that there are multitudes of situations very similiar to the one you are speaking of.

 

However, I think that by saying that all affairs are addictions, you strike at the heart of every OW by saying that there is NO WAY a MM could ever LOVE them.

 

If he was able to fall in love with his wife, why is it difficult to comprehend that he could fall in love with another woman?

 

Bad? Absolutely. Possible? I say yes.

[pricillia]

but really there are some cases tht MM or MW are unhappy in the marriage and need a way to get out... it may be loveless for whatever reason, could have been for years.

 

What about arranged marriages, do those people love eachother, what happens when you meet someone that you do fall in love with?

 

 

 

For some yes cheating is a pattern, and for others it is not.

 

on another note.

no matter how well you know someone the possibility is there for them to cheat, and get away with it... No one can have tabs on someone all of the time.

 

Someone may portray the perfect spouse but he/she could still have something on the side, maybe that is why said marriage is so perfect.

[Touche]

One question - DO you really trust this man 100%? Don't you think it is possible that one day he could cheat on you? Not saying he will (0r won't), but never say never...

 

Is this directed at me? Because if it is, I DO say NEVER. Never. I'll say it to my death. I've never been as sure as anything else in my life before.

[Ladyjane14]

However, I think that by saying that all affairs are addictions, you strike at the heart of every OW by saying that there is NO WAY a MM could ever LOVE them.

 

I firmly believe that romantic love begins with Infatuation, which is wholly different in my mind than real love.

 

While it's true that Infatuation can be a seed from which Love can blossom... it's not always the case. Infatuation involves both emotional and biophysical reactions. These biophysical responses are measurable in scientific terms, and tend to fade in approximately two years. Affairs may extend the infatuation response due to their nature of secrecy which in and of itself can be quite stimulating.

 

It's science babe. Not derision.

[Freedom Now]

And you know what Touche?

 

I want a man that I can say that about.

 

Thank God there are some good guys left.

 

Good for you...

[Touche]

but really there are some cases tht MM or MW are unhappy in the marriage and need a way to get out... it may be loveless for whatever reason, could have been for years.

 

What about arranged marriages, do those people love eachother, what happens when you meet someone that you do fall in love with?

 

 

 

For some yes cheating is a pattern, and for others it is not.

 

on another note.

no matter how well you know someone the possibility is there for them to cheat, and get away with it... No one can have tabs on someone all of the time.

 

Someone may portray the perfect spouse but he/she could still have something on the side, maybe that is why said marriage is so perfect.

 

That's hilarious! First of all no one talked about there being a "perfect marriage" and secondly, are you saying that any marriage that is a good one MUST be because one of them has "something on the side?" Wow...How sad. I can't believe someone can really think that. I guess you've never seen what a good marriage REALLY looks like. Very sad.

[Freedom Now]

I firmly believe that romantic love begins with Infatuation, which is wholly different in my mind than real love.

 

While it's true that Infatuation can be a seed from which Love can blossom... it's not always the case. Infatuation involves both emotional and biophysical reactions. These biophysical responses are measurable in scientific terms, and tend to fade in approximately two years. Affairs may extend the infatuation response due to their nature of secrecy which in and of itself can be quite stimulating.

 

It's science babe. Not derision.

 

Having a scientific background, I understand.

 

Not every case is love, and not every case is NOT love.

 

Point taken.

[Touche]

And you know what Touche?

 

I want a man that I can say that about.

 

Thank God there are some good guys left.

 

Good for you...

 

Thank you so much Freedom. You'll find him. I had a few really bad ones before I found him. And yes, there ARE some good ones left. I almost lost hope of that at one point though. So don't give up hope!

[Freedom Now]

Hope. I have alot of that.

 

This last one, the MM, without telling my whole story, absolutely swept me off my feet (as well as my kids), THEN proceeded to inform me that he was married.

 

I had thought he was THE ONE.

 

Silly me. But, I have hope. I have tons to offer a man. And, if it is in my cards to be with a man, then I know that special man will come find me. And, if not, I am fine alone.

 

Beats the heck out of being in a toxic relationship, that's for sure...

[Touche]

Hope. I have alot of that.

 

This last one, the MM, without telling my whole story, absolutely swept me off my feet (as well as my kids), THEN proceeded to inform me that he was married.

 

I had thought he was THE ONE.

 

Silly me. But, I have hope. I have tons to offer a man. And, if it is in my cards to be with a man, then I know that special man will come find me. And, if not, I am fine alone.

 

Beats the heck out of being in a toxic relationship, that's for sure...

 

Well said and I agree completely. But I'm sorry that happened to you. You seem to have a great attitude though and that will draw the right one to you like a magnet some day.

[Freedom Now]

Time will tell. And I have lots of that....

 

Thanks Touche.

 

Ooopss....sorry for the threadjack...

 

Carry on.

 

[grateful]

I think what I'm suggesting is that the court system do a better job addressing the needs of the child as opposed to the needs of the parent. And while I'm not suggesting that parents who aren't abusive should have their contact terminated... I think maybe kids could benefit from having one definitive parenting role model when parents separate.

 

Why should a child be split just because his parent's relationship has?

 

While it's true that I've advised guys in the Separation/Divorce forum here at LS to make absolutely certain that they're getting at least 50/50... I'm not so certain I've given them the best advice. More and more, I'm thinking full custody would be better. Certainly there should be visitation, but there should only be ONE real decision maker.

 

Kids end up pulled in two different directions, and oftentimes confused when developing their personal values, hence so many in the world who seem to have none. There are two separate sets of rules and two separate sets of ideals for them to adhere to. So, while I'm not suggesting that the parent who elects to divide the family have no contact or visitation... what I am suggesting is that the child, himself, not pay for that decision.

 

And what about situations where both parents elect to divorce because they've fallen out of love? How would the court decide which parent has the better set of rules and set of ideals? Is this avoidance of joint custody a general issue for you, or one that only pertains to adultery? Because it seems that adultery is a hot button issue for you that, as exemplified in your quote below, trumps any other good a person might do as a parent. And though I am no apologist for cheaters, that to me seems overly harsh.

 

I don't understand why you believe this guy is a good father.

 

When you remove the multiple layers of high-gloss whitewash.... what he's proposing is to 'shack up' with his mistress, a woman who's something on the order of half his age, and who has been instumental in the destruction of his child's family dynamic. And all of that just a couple of blocks away, right in this boy's face and adding daily insult to his mother's injury.

 

Personally, this guy could be Bill Cosby on every other count... but I still wouldn't call him a "good father". This set up has all the ingredients to become both embarrassing and painful. Imagine trying to explain to your friends why Daddy's live-in girlfriend is closer to your age than to his.

 

 

 

I don't think that's really necessary, but it would be really NICE if she'd leave this poor kid out of her drama.

 

OW lands her man... who cares? I surely don't. I figure like folks will find each other. But that young man has just lost his family. It's not right to forcefeed him any kind of "relationship development" with Dad's new squeeze.

 

Plain talk, but it's quickest to the point I'm trying to make.

 

 

I don't know -- I don't quite see the shacking up since he wants to marry yesmaybe. And I don't see throwing the relationship in the child's face by wanting to be close to him - - I see an involved parent who is trying to make divorce work. I see a lot of honesty with the child, which is unusual and might just help him out later in life. I hope my optimism is closer to the reality than your pessimism and they are able to make the best out of a bad situation.

 

It's better than keeping the kid and the STBexW stuck in the middle of a deceitful, selfish affair.

[pricillia]

it is just that the MM ( and I don't blame them) are afriad that this will be them someday so they have to discredit.

[Chapter2]

I'm as sure as one can get that my H would never cheat on me. All of his dealings with other people, not just me, tell me what kind of man he is. He is an honorable, upstanding man. I can give you examples by the hundreds to illustrate his character but why bother? I won't convince you or anyone else that sometimes you CAN be "too sure" about someone and BE RIGHT ABOUT IT!

 

As sure as one can get? Just how many people get married thinking, hmm, his character is a bit faulty so he just might cheat someday? Everyone is as sure as one can get until it happens to them or they do it themselves. The term "never say never" comes to mind.

[Touche]

As sure as one can get? Just how many people get married thinking, hmm, his character is a bit faulty so he just might cheat someday? Everyone is as sure as one can get until it happens to them or they do it themselves. The term "never say never" comes to mind.

 

I know. I get what you're saying. And someone already threw around the "never say never" thing and I said NEVER!

 

I agree that most people don't go into a marriage thinking that. And some of us have been mistaken. But again, some of us are NOT mistaken in saying NEVER!

 

Hate to break this to some of you but not ALL men cheat!

[Chapter2]

I know. I get what you're saying. And someone already threw around the "never say never" thing and I said NEVER!

 

I agree that most people don't go into a marriage thinking that. And some of us have been mistaken. But again, some of us are NOT mistaken in saying NEVER!

 

Sorry:o You're right. I'm one of the ones that said "never" about getting involved in my saga so it strikes a nerve with me. I am now the person that says I will "never" love a man the way I loved him. Go figure.

[whichwayisup]

Is this directed at me? Because if it is, I DO say NEVER. Never. I'll say it to my death. I've never been as sure as anything else in my life before.

 

No, this wasn't directed at you. I was talking about Still's reply to you.