yes, it does happen - MM is separating

[NoIDidn't]

First of all, i want to say thank you to you lovely ladies who came to my defense when i was sleeping or at work.

 

Second of all, i get about 4 hours of face time a day with him. Never once did i say i only see him 2 hours a week.

 

I can tell what is on his mind just by him walking by me. We talk for hours on the phone daily (after seeing him for about 4 hours), plus we see each other "in that way" about 3-4 times a week, sometimes more. I can guarantee you, that i see him more often than her. And talk to him more often than her. He didn't even recognize her cell number when she called him!!

 

I know what i have gotten myself into. I'm far from blind. I love a man who is married. I know this. But that has not stopped me, and it will not stop me, or him. We love each other.

 

He supports me emotionally, physically, and financially. No matter what anyone says, i am not going to stop seeing him because you tell me i should. I am extremely stubborn, if you haven't noticed by now. He is fully capable of walking away from me as well, yet he has not, and will not. That he promised me.

 

Stillhere,

 

I really wasn't talking about you specifically, so no need to defend yourself. I was simply making a GENEROUS estimate of the average time that an OW MIGHT spend with the MM (I never use "her" because, he's not).

 

I hope you pay your own bills not depending on anything from him to pay them, because it can be a B*ITCH trying to stay afloat if/when he bails, since his W is more than likely NOT going to let THAT continue.

 

Good luck to you with that.

[stillhere]

I do pay my own bills, barely, but i do. He helps me out with anything else that i may want and can't afford. Yes, he pays for my cell bill and any toys that i have my eye on.

 

He pays for gas and any parts that i need for my vehicle. He gives me money all the time. He does take care of me, and he knows how much i HATE taking money from him. He does it because he loves me, otherwise, he would not feel the need to do it.

 

It just upsets me when some say that he is a fantasy. Yes, there are some parts of him that i am unable to have. That hurts me terribly. But, other than sleeping under the same roof, we have a very real relationship. We argue like any "normal" couple, about "normal" couple things. I know most of his flaws, there may be a few hidden ones, but i'm pretty confident that i know him and that things wouldn't be different if we did share the same bed every night (which he sleeps on the couch every night, but you get the idea).

 

He is not a fantasy. I've seen him at his worst, and i've seen him at his best. No one, and i mean no one, but me, can make him talk when he is in a bad mood. He will shut down and ignore everyone. This is the way he's been his whole life, and anyone who knows him knows to leave him be and that he will snap out of it when he's done processing it and dealing with it himself.

 

Like i said, no one here knows him, so no one can judge him or me, and tell me that what we have isn't real. This is what i chose for myself, and i am the one who has to deal with it.

[Ladyjane14]

He helps me out with anything else that i may want and can't afford. Yes, he pays for my cell bill and any toys that i have my eye on.

 

He pays for gas and any parts that i need for my vehicle. He gives me money all the time.

 

 

Word of caution... If he's using marital assets when he gives you cash or gifts, you could possibly be required to repay it later on.

 

I recently saw a newspaper article where an OW was court ordered to repay something like $400,000 in marital assets after the MM died.

 

The article is a few years old, but here it is:

 

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/94132_okeefe04.shtml

[lighthouse]

I do pay my own bills, barely, but i do. He helps me out with anything else that i may want and can't afford. Yes, he pays for my cell bill and any toys that i have my eye on.

 

He pays for gas and any parts that i need for my vehicle. He gives me money all the time. He does take care of me, and he knows how much i HATE taking money from him. He does it because he loves me, otherwise, he would not feel the need to do it.

 

It just upsets me when some say that he is a fantasy. Yes, there are some parts of him that i am unable to have. That hurts me terribly. But, other than sleeping under the same roof, we have a very real relationship. We argue like any "normal" couple, about "normal" couple things. I know most of his flaws, there may be a few hidden ones, but i'm pretty confident that i know him and that things wouldn't be different if we did share the same bed every night (which he sleeps on the couch every night, but you get the idea).

 

He is not a fantasy. I've seen him at his worst, and i've seen him at his best. No one, and i mean no one, but me, can make him talk when he is in a bad mood. He will shut down and ignore everyone. This is the way he's been his whole life, and anyone who knows him knows to leave him be and that he will snap out of it when he's done processing it and dealing with it himself.

 

Like i said, no one here knows him, so no one can judge him or me, and tell me that what we have isn't real. This is what i chose for myself, and i am the one who has to deal with it.

 

Is this not a part of your bills? Gas for your car? If you HATED taking money from him then you wouldn't do it. I am not trying to be rude at all just honest. However someone gave you some advice that you probably won't like: if/when he leaves that money will leave also. Protect yourself from that.

 

I don't think anyone is judging you or him. But please know that they all sleep on the couch. Not one MM is having sex with his wife. They are just roomates.

 

We are trying to give you some advice and I think the original point was that, although no one here knows him (or you) there is someone who knows him quite well. His wife. I understand you have made this choice but I just don't get why anyone would make this choice. Why would anyone want a relationship based on dishonesty? And half a relationship at that?

 

I wish you the best stillhere - just protect yourself. Financially and emotionally. I am not judging you as I have made some pretty big mistakes in my life. I am just trying to point out that your situation is rather familiar around here. I don't know him and I don't know you. I only know what I read. I am just an outsider looking in.

 

lighthouse

[lighthouse]

Word of caution... If he's using marital assets when he gives you cash or gifts, you could possibly be required to repay it later on.

 

I recently saw a newspaper article where an OW was court ordered to repay something like $400,000 in marital assets after the MM died.

 

The article is a few years old, but here it is:

 

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/94132_okeefe04.shtml

 

Oh that is interesting LJ.

LH

[whichwayisup]

I hate to say this but the $$ factor is almost like hush money...Kinda like an absent parent who buys their kid alot of toys to make up for times not actually spent together...out of guilt.

 

I'm not saying this is how it is in your situation, but if you really DO feel strongly and uncomfortable about him paying your bills - You really wouldn't let him do this.

 

LJ has brought up something you and your MM need to think about!

 

Anyway you know what you're doing and are quite happy. But don't fool yourself into thinking that he isn't affectionate or intimate with his wife. Maybe I am wrong, but maybe I'm not. Just don't trust 100%...

[stillhere]

Thank you ladies for your insight. The money i'm not worried about, and he leaves it in my house. What should i do? Throw it away? Don't think so. And i don't see it as hush money or that he gives it to me out of guilt. Everyone has there own take on things, and you are entitled to your opinion.

 

I'm wasting my breathe (or key strokes i guess) and i don't feel the need to explain myself anymore. I know what i have and what i don't. No one here will make me change my mind. Not to mention i've accidentally hijacked yesmaybe's thread.

 

Someday, things may be different, but for right now, this is how it is. I have chosen to accept it, and it is my own life to screw up or throw away. I will live with whatever the outcome will be. I know my chances aren't great, but one never knows. Maybe i will be a "success" story.

[lighthouse]

And stillhere as long as your happy and satisfied with the situation that you are in I do wish you the best. Sincerely I do.

what happened with yesmaybe I haven't seen her in around?

lighthouse

[Ladyjane14]

The money i'm not worried about, and he leaves it in my house. What should i do? Throw it away?

 

No.. give it back to him.

 

You aren't a hooker, right? So, you don't take money from guys you're sleeping with.

 

Simple as that. You want respect ALWAYS from a man, no matter what his marital status is. Just because he's married doesn't mean he gets to disrespect you or treat you like an employee. Leaving money at your house is tantamount to payment.

 

I'm not you... but I'd be insulted if I were.

 

(Maybe that's an "old school" attitude these days. )

[GreenEyedLady]

 

We are trying to give you some advice and I think the original point was that, although no one here knows him (or you) there is someone who knows him quite well.

 

lighthouse

 

I don't remember Stillhere asking for advice...and that is right: no one here knows her or him...so everything that you are saying is a generalization from what your experience is/was or someone you know which may or may not be like Stillhere's or anyone else's for that matter...

[Chapter2]

Did the two of you marry for a time?

 

Sorry to pour even more rain on your parade honey but i really know EXACTLY what you are going thru.

 

My ex was a MM with a son. The whole time we were together in secret (for about a year) I kept pushing the thoughts that he was cheating and lying to everyone close to him out of my head. It was "different". As much as I hate to admit it,the thrill of the chase and the secrecy was part of the attraction. He DID move out, and we DID come clean with everyone, and it was OK for a while, despite ALOT of people getting really hurt. I adored his son. But at the end of the day his son wasn't mine. You need to be prepared for the fact that just because the wife and son live in a different house, they won't be out of your life. They will ALWAYS be there. And if your MM puts you first, thats wrong cos kids should come first, but then if he puts the son first you may struggle with feelings of resentment.

My MM was older than me by 7 years- our entire life was planned around his custody arrangements. I am 29, I still have alot left on my list of things to do before I settle down. MM wanted a younger version of his wife- one who was still sexually virile, but NOT one who wanted to live life to the full. I don't want to sound selfish but it can get a little tough when your MMs responsibilities encroach on your life. It would have been worth it had my MM been the man of my dreams, but he wasn't. He wanted to have his cake and eat it as well. He was a manipulative control freak who tried to bully me into being the perfect second wife. And what about if YOU want kids. Do you want them with a MM who clearly can abandon them so easily?

My new man and I are similar in age and ambition. We are at the same stages of our lives, and are really excited about doing things for the FIRST time together (travel,marriage, kids) its a THOUSAND times better than all the rubbish that went with being with a guy with so much baggage who couldn't deal with it. (men with baggage are fine- but you need to assess how they deal with that baggage and yours hasn't really gotten a gold star). I am glad I had the experiences I did, cos it has made me so muchmore tolerant, and I appreciate my new guy so much, I won't be letting him go in a hurry!

Please think about it. Is it really worth it?

[GreenEyedLady]

No.. give it back to him.

 

Leaving money at your house is tantamount to payment.

 

 

If you love someone and they either need money to help pay for something or you want them to buy something that they would like why wouldn't you leave them money...it has nothing to do with payment and everything to do with being in a R...suggesting that it is a payment is insulting...

[stillhere]

No.. give it back to him.

 

You aren't a hooker, right? So, you don't take money from guys you're sleeping with.

 

Simple as that. You want respect ALWAYS from a man, no matter what his marital status is. Just because he's married doesn't mean he gets to disrespect you or treat you like an employee. Leaving money at your house is tantamount to payment.

 

I'm not you... but I'd be insulted if I were.

 

(Maybe that's an "old school" attitude these days. )

 

I was done posting until this. I am not a hooker, and he doesn't treat me as such. Such a statement does offend me. He does not pay me for sex...........he gives me money because he knows i need it. Since he has no bills to worry about, he wants to take care of me. How can that be wrong and insulting. This is a man who loves me, for god sakes.

 

Never once has he disrespected me, he treats me like a princess. He spoils me rotten.

 

I try not to get defensive, but this hit a nerve, i'm sorry. Maybe others here see me as a whore, but he does not and i resent anyone making such a statement.

[GreenEyedLady]

Stillhere...she was just baiting you and trying to make herself feel superior...I found it rude, untruthful and uncalled for...

[stillhere]

If you love someone and they either need money to help pay for something or you want them to buy something that they would like why wouldn't you leave them money...it has nothing to do with payment and everything to do with being in a R...suggesting that it is a payment is insulting...

 

 

Once again, thank you GEL!!

 

 

 

I am extremely insulted. I have tried to be nothing but respectful, and then i'm called a hooker. I am sorry that the man i love gives me money. I stopped taking it from him, so he hides it in my house where he knows i'll find it.

 

Never have i thought of it as being paid for sex. But hey, next time your husband or boyfriend gives you money, you better refuse it if you're sleeping with him. Don't take money from guys you're sleeping with.

[GreenEyedLady]

Once again, thank you GEL!!

 

/quote]

 

My pleasure! :bunny:

[lighthouse]

I don't remember Stillhere asking for advice...and that is right: no one here knows her or him...so everything that you are saying is a generalization from what your experience is/was or someone you know which may or may not be like Stillhere's or anyone else's for that matter...

 

This entire forum is about advice. That is kind of the purpose. :lmao:

[Ladyjane14]

Stillhere...she was just baiting you and trying to make herself feel superior...I found it rude, untruthful and uncalled for...

 

Yeah... I've got NOTHING better to do with my time than go around "baiting" people.

 

Newsflash dear... in some circles it's still considered poor manners (among other things) to take money from married men that you happen to be having sexual relations with.

 

But more to the point.... if you're an OW and you haven't got a LEGITIMATE relationship, it puts you in a poor position to command respect or negotiate for more.

 

But, by all means.... carry on. Active OW's seldom entertain any viewpoint that doesn't support their position.

 

MY GOD... how many BITTER, VINDICTIVE WIVES can this planet possibly hold???? :lmao:

 

 

Whatever.

[stillhere]

This entire forum is about advice. That is kind of the purpose. :lmao:

 

No, GEL is right. I did not ask for advice. Obviously people are going to add their 2 cents, which they are entitled to, but i don't need people trying to ram their opinions down my throat.

 

I give my side of the story. If i want advice, i'll start my own thread. I'm not even really looking for support because not too many are willing to give it. I state my case and discuss it.

 

I don't ask for advice because 99.9% of the time, i won't take it. I need to learn from my own mistakes.

[norajane]

Since he has no bills to worry about, he wants to take care of me. How can that be wrong and insulting.

 

Well...his wife might argue that they do have bills (and children, perhaps?) and he ought not be spending his cash on you.

 

That was the point of the article LJ posted. His wife had a legitimate claim (and was probably pissed as all hell) so her husband's estate sued the OW for $400k.

 

I thought LJ posted a caution, not to bait anyone.

[GreenEyedLady]

Yeah... I've got NOTHING better to do with my time than go around "baiting" people.

 

Yeah like that's apparent...

 

But more to the point.... if you're an OW and you haven't got a LEGITIMATE relationship, it puts you in a poor position to command respect or negotiate for more.

 

To who? To you, LadyJane? I really don't care what your term of legitimate is...

 

MY GOD... how many BITTER, VINDICTIVE WIVES can this planet possibly hold???? :lmao:

 

Whatever.

 

LJ: Get over yourself...

 

It is YOU who is perpetuating this BS vs. OW battle here...I have respect for everyone in the myriad of situations found on LS...both sides of the situation are difficult to live through and this forum is a place for learning and venting...it's too bad you have to resort to namecalling...but I must say you prove my point by your words and your reaction...

[stillhere]

Yeah... I've got NOTHING better to do with my time than go around "baiting" people.

 

Newsflash dear... in some circles it's still considered poor manners (among other things) to take money from married men that you happen to be having sexual relations with.

 

But more to the point.... if you're an OW and you haven't got a LEGITIMATE relationship, it puts you in a poor position to command respect or negotiate for more.

 

 

 

I'm not commanding respect.............I have been respectful to all the BS's, even the ones who initially attacked me.

 

You are entitled to your opinion, but i have not called anyone names here, and i don't feel like i deserved that. But, that's fine.

 

I must have poor manners then...............i'll leave it at that.

[GreenEyedLady]

This entire forum is about advice. That is kind of the purpose. :lmao:

 

If you start a thread then you usually want advice...if you respond, you are mostly just looking to share experience or help...doesn't mean you want advice...

 

Besides, a question usually signals wanting advice, such as What do you think, What should I do, etc. and I don't remember Stillhere asking any similar version of these questions...

[stillhere]

Well...his wife might argue that they do have bills (and children, perhaps?) and he ought not be spending his cash on you.

 

That was the point of the article LJ posted. His wife had a legitimate claim (and was probably pissed as all hell) so her husband's estate sued the OW for $400k.

 

I thought LJ posted a caution, not to bait anyone.

 

I had no problem with that post. I actually appreciated the concern. It was her hooker comment that struck a nerve.

 

No, they do not have bills (as in mortgage, vehicle payments, the big things.....) and he would not give me money if he could not afford to do so. And she could not come back to me, because there is no "paper trail" of that money, and to her, it never existed. I'm not worried one bit.

[climbergirl]

I have to agree with LJ's post.....maybe some of you don't agree and maybe some of you just don't want to see it. Money offered, to most men, is nothing more than bait to keep a woman around......and no matter how you want to sugar coat it..this does not equate to love! And this is in no way a degradation to men, but just what they perceive from many sources as a way to calm a woman, placate a woman, or entice her to be with him no matter what sh#t he pulls. It's ingrained by what is perpetuated.

 

I find it hard to believe that most didn't infer the same conclusion when reading that post.