Do Abusers Ever Say They are Sorry?

[Guest]

Just wanted to know someone else's experience...first time in abusive relationship...physical abuse present...it's always an "accident."

 

Do abusers ever have the courage to say they are sorry?

[Tony T]

Just wanted to know someone else's experience...first time in abusive relationship...physical abuse present...it's always an "accident."

 

Do abusers ever have the courage to say they are sorry?

 

Yes, and so do rapists and murderers. So what's the point? Are you going to stick around somebody who beats the hell out of you a time or two just because he says he's sorry??? Makes no sense to me.....sorry!

 

Abusers are mostly crazy people and what they say is of no consequence at all....it's what they do. Unless they go through long and rigorous therapy they'll do more harm.

[Adunaphel]

Many people stay in abusive relationships because their abusers can be very convincing when they say they are sorry. They both look and sound really sorry, too.

[alphamale]

Do abusers ever have the courage to say they are sorry?

I don't think so....and even if they do they don't mean it really.

 

Abusers are mostly crazy people

some may be and some may not be. some very succesful and rich/famous people have been abusers.

[Craig]

Do abusers ever have the courage to say they are sorry?

I agree with alpha, if they say it they don't mean it because they are incapable of remorse.

 

I am talking about a "cycle of violence" abuser--the kind of abuse that has three stages 1) Honeymoon, 2) Tension building and 3) Abuse. Then this cycle repeats over and over and over. This type of person does have brain abnormalities that we are just beginning to start to understand (or so we think.)

 

The brain abnormalities appear to be brain damage caused by events (usually abuse) that occur in childhood.

 

In some cases an abuser will have brain activity that indicates seizures are occuring or about to occur before the abuse occurs. There has been some success at reducing (not eliminating) abusive behavior in some individuals with the use of anti-seizure medications.

 

But really the above is just a long way of saying that abusers are broken people and the outlook for an abuser is not good. A true abuser if faced with severe enough repercussions (like jail) for specific abusive behavior (like physical abuse) will just change the type of abuse they engage in to another form of abuse (like emotional abuse.)

 

I agree with Tony T that unless they go through long and rigorous therapy they'll continue being abusive. But the outlook for abusers even in long term therapy is not great at all.

 

Adunaphel is also correct in my opinion. The problem with abusers is that they are so darned convincing when they say they are sorry but some never apologize and just mess with you thinking.

[Guest]

Just wanted to know someone else's experience...first time in abusive relationship...physical abuse present...it's always an "accident."

 

Do abusers ever have the courage to say they are sorry?

 

Oh sure. They say they're sorry. They say it with tears and with flowers and so earnestly your heart breaks. They are sorry on some level. But however sorry they are, they are unable to follow through with the other half of the apology, which is always 'I'll never do that again'. They will do it again. And apologize again. And then abuse again. This is part of the cycle of abuse.

[shelby_shellsp]

Well see, lots of things are going on in your mind at the same time and there comes a level where you get sooooo frustrated that you panic, you can't solve it all at once. So to say they are bad people is wrong b/c you don't know what they're going through.

[Touche]

Well see, lots of things are going on in your mind at the same time and there comes a level where you get sooooo frustrated that you panic, you can't solve it all at once. So to say they are bad people is wrong b/c you don't know what they're going through.

 

I read this a couple of times and I'm not sure I get it. Can you explain? And what's the difference if you call them bad people or not? The result is the same. They treat others badly.

[Guest]

Well see, lots of things are going on in your mind at the same time and there comes a level where you get sooooo frustrated that you panic, you can't solve it all at once. So to say they are bad people is wrong b/c you don't know what they're going through.

 

It doesn't matter what they are 'going through'. At all. Plenty of people go through horrible awful things and do not use that as an excuse to abuse others.

 

Sorry but you're trying to make excuses for inexcusable behaviour. Understand that there is NO circumstance that makes abuse ok.

[melodymatters]

Shelby, as somone who just got her head beaten into a car two weeks ago, all I can say is : I DON"T CARE WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH"

 

what counts is their actions !!! I have never beaten my kid or a partner just cause I was panicking and frustrated. It's called impulse control !

[shelby_shellsp]

I agree with alpha, if they say it they don't mean it because they are incapable of remorse.

I am talking about a "cycle of violence" abuser--the kind of abuse that has three stages 1) Honeymoon, 2) Tension building and 3) Abuse. Then this cycle repeats over and over and over. This type of person does have brain abnormalities that we are just beginning to start to understand (or so we think.)

 

The brain abnormalities appear to be brain damage caused by events (usually abuse) that occur in childhood.

 

In some cases an abuser will have brain activity that indicates seizures are occurring or about to occur before the abuse occurs. There has been some success at reducing (not eliminating) abusive behavior in some individuals with the use of anti-seizure medications.

 

I agree with Tony T that unless they go through long and rigorous therapy they'll continue being abusive. But the outlook for abusers even in long term therapy is not great at all.

 

So in other words you're saying that they won't change at all. How can you assume that it's purely brain damage/abnormalities that occur in childhood. If you think that's the ONLY reason, you're WRONG.

 

As for as childhood goes, it was great so that had nothing to do with it and no there was no brain leisure, well only thing I can think of is them racists people emotionally bullying. The problem started 4 months old and it all got complicated, too many things were happening at once. When it gets like that, at that moment, you can't handle it all at once. There's classmates talking **** about you, then you getting overly depress, you not getting long with few co-workers and your partner's very low-libido. When it all starts happening not only are you frustrated and angry, but rejected.

[shelby_shellsp]

I read this a couple of times and I'm not sure I get it. Can you explain? And what's the difference if you call them bad people or not? The result is the same. They treat others badly.

 

True they do treat others badly but to say they're bad people who won't change and are incapable of feeling remorse is unfair. They have a lot in their system and are trying so hard. I know what it's like being an abuser (I don't deny, I admit I'm an abuser myself and currently seeking help, in fact I did wrote a post of me abusing my b/f), at the moment you feel so unwanted and you try making your partner listen to you, in which you resort to physical force. But right on that instance you're in space, you're venting out and once you have let our frustration out, you are ready to settle down and it's when you realize what you done and wished to take it back but can't.

 

You didn't really come with the intent of actually hurting your partner, you were lost and got too much in your mind that you completely lose it.

[Guest]

True they do treat others badly but to say they're bad people who won't change and are incapable of feeling remorse is unfair. They have a lot in their system and are trying so hard. I know what it's like being an abuser (I don't deny, I admit I'm an abuser myself and currently seeking help, in fact I did wrote a post of me abusing my b/f), at the moment you feel so unwanted and you try making your partner listen to you, in which you resort to physical force. But right on that instance you're in space, you're venting out and once you have let our frustration out, you are ready to settle down and it's when you realize what you done and wished to take it back but can't.

 

You didn't really come with the intent of actually hurting your partner, you were lost and got too much in your mind that you completely lose it.

 

It doesn't matter. The fact is that the part of your brain which is supposed to stop you from abusing doesn't work. You can maybe learn other responses but it's not working. You don't know if you fell and bonked your head when you were a baby and nobody noticed. It doesn't have to be a fracture.

 

you're venting out and once you have let our frustration out

 

You are not the only person to feel hurt, unwanted, upset, angry, even furious. However most humans who are ok are able to stop themselves from wanting to hurt or from hurting others. Your 'brakes' - the thing that stops the rest of us - are broken. It doesn't mean you are bad. It does mean you are broken. It's good you're getting help but you have to understand that what you're doing is not ok and especially not normal.

 

Follow all the instructions you're given and try very hard to not do it, but as you've found already, even when you don't intend to hurt and don't want to, you do it. That's because your 'brakes' don't work. You can learn ways to get out of the car before you need brakes but you need lots and lots of work to get that way.

 

Good luck to you.

[Craig]

First of all thank you for your post, you asked some questions and made some statements that will allow me to clarify my position. My position comes from direct experience as a survivor of domestic violence, extensive conversations with professionals in the field of domestic violence and reading through mounds of peer-reviewed publications concerning domestic violence. If you would like to cite the sources upon which you base your position I will be happy to cite the sources upon which I base mine.

 

So in other words you're saying that they won't change at all.

If they are a true cycle of violence abuser chances are they do have brain abnormalities.

 

The chances of them changing to being a non-abuser is remote. If any change occurs, for example as the result of getting arrested for beating their wife or husband they commonly change their form of abuse to something they can't be arrested for like emotional abuse.

 

In the case of a first offense the courts will usually direct the offender to long term counseling and/or anger management and/or group therapy for abusers and/or psychiatric counseling. This course of action has some effect upon the abusers behavior but a complete abandonment of abuse by the abuser is very rare.

 

How can you assume that it's purely brain damage/abnormalities that occur in childhood. If you think that's the ONLY reason, you're WRONG.

I was talking about a true cycle of violence abuser and in that case, yes, I believe based upon what I have read in peer reviewed publications that brain damage does cause those brain abnormalities that result in a person becoming a cycle of violence abuser.

 

I am talking about a "cycle of violence" abuser--the kind of abuse that has three stages 1) Honeymoon, 2) Tension building and 3) Abuse. Then this cycle repeats over and over and over. This type of person does have brain abnormalities that we are just beginning to start to understand (or so we think.)

 

The brain abnormalities appear to be brain damage caused by events (usually abuse) that occur in childhood.

 

In some cases an abuser will have brain activity that indicates seizures are occurring or about to occur before the abuse occurs. There has been some success at reducing (not eliminating) abusive behavior in some individuals with the use of anti-seizure medications.

 

As for as childhood goes, it was great so that had nothing to do with it and no there was no brain leisure, well only thing I can think of is them racists people emotionally bullying. The problem started 4 months old and it all got complicated, too many things were happening at once. When it gets like that, at that moment, you can't handle it all at once. There's classmates talking **** about you, then you getting overly depress, you not getting long with few co-workers and your partner's very low-libido. When it all starts happening not only are you frustrated and angry, but rejected.

I assume you are talking about yourself because you can never know how good or bad someones childhood was unless you were there. Emotional bullying can cause the kinds of brain damage/brain abnormalities I am talking about. Then all you need are the right conditions, that are usually present in people emotionally close to the abuser and the cycle of violence begins.

 

Some (I would say many but don't have anything to back that) abusers appear to the outside world to be the most wonderful human beings ever conceived. They are pillars of the community, have everything going for them, are charming and even successful. But to the people that they are close to like a spouse, parent or child they are the incarnation of evil. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde revisited.

 

This is part of the reason it can be so challenging to leave an abuser. On the one hand they are the most incredibly wonderful people to be with and on the other hand they are destroying everything they can in their victim(s).

 

If you find yourself frustrated and angry, rejected by classmates, co-workers and your partner's very low libido and blame your abusive behavior on those things then it is you not them. You are the reason you are experiencing these things and if ever there was a case for long term counseling this would be it.

[Craig]

True they do treat others badly but to say they're bad people who won't change and are incapable of feeling remorse is unfair. They have a lot in their system and are trying so hard. I know what it's like being an abuser (I don't deny, I admit I'm an abuser myself and currently seeking help, in fact I did wrote a post of me abusing my b/f), at the moment you feel so unwanted and you try making your partner listen to you, in which you resort to physical force. But right on that instance you're in space, you're venting out and once you have let our frustration out, you are ready to settle down and it's when you realize what you done and wished to take it back but can't.

 

You didn't really come with the intent of actually hurting your partner, you were lost and got too much in your mind that you completely lose it.

 

Shelby in your post, quoted above, you told us how you could avoid being abusive. Congratulations by the way on working on ways to be non-abusive.

 

Here it is "at the moment you feel so unwanted and you try making your partner listen to you."

 

This is the time when you must take a time out. You take time away from your partner to cool down because you know based on previous experiences you have had that you will do something you don't want to if you stay. You simply tell your partner that you think things are getting too hot and you need to take a time out to cool down and gather your thoughts. Then you calmly walk away and even let them have the last word.

 

You tell yourself that you have these challenges and that you can't continue the conversation with your partner when you start to feel these "triggers."

 

It is all about you, it isn't your partner encouraging you to be abusive, it isn't their fault, they didn't make you do it--you own your own actions 100%.

[nicki]

Abusers tell you they are sorry, over and over again. Then they continue to do the same behavior.

 

The trick is not to listen to someone's "I'm sorry" and let them off the hook for their behavior. A real apology includes the promise to change future behavior. And changing future behavior is NOT something an abuser does.

 

I do believe an abuser can change his or her mind set. It takes a special kind of domestic violence program, but it does work. It changes the abusers "self-talk."

 

For instance, an abuser will have the self-talk (thought) of "My girlfriend shouldn't have burned one of the dinner dishes. She did that to piss me off. She is so stupid." Then he will berate, belittle or even hit her.

 

During treatment, an abuser learns to change his self-talk to include the perspective of the other person, and to be more positive.

 

So, in the case of a burned dinner, a reformed abuser's self-talk would be something like: "Oh, the porkchop is burned. My girlfriend must have be been overwhelmed in the kitchen. How thoughtful of her to cook me dinner. I appreciate the thought. How can I help her?" Then he might smile and thank her, ignoring the burned dinner. Later, he might even do the dishes.

 

See, with the different thoughts, comes different behavior.

 

But, an abuser is usually very good with apologies, and not so good with changing his behavior.

 

I had to learn to stop forgiving my abusive ex when he said he was sorry. I just felt like a sucker everytime I forgave him. Thank goodness for my inability to forgive him. My anger helped me see that his behavior never changed.

 

And my anger helped me leave him. If I had continued to believe his "I'm sorrys," then I would have been in a compassionate and hopeful place. And I would have stayed, hopeful because he was sorry. Heck, If I'm sorry, then I would change my behavior, right?

 

Abusers don't think like that and don't deserve chance after chance.

 

Really, one must have NO hope in chaning an abuser, unless the abuser gets in a program. "I'm sorry" does not mean "I will change."

[Art_Critic]

Abusers can also be women.

 

My ExW never once said she was sorry for the abuse she rained down on me.

 

Abusers only say they are sorry if they have an angle they are gunning for.. more abuse/control.

[Guest]

Thanks so much for all of your input...all of you had brilliant comments. Except for one (Shellby) I disagree...there is no excuse for abusing someone if you have had a bad hand of cards dealt to you. I have had MEGA troubles in my life and make it a point to be civil to all.

 

I wanted to let everyone know that I have had complete N/C with said abuser for many months now. I picked myself up and walked out the door and never looked back.

 

I would have liked an apology but after reading all of your posts and doing my own research, it's so not worth waiting for. Also, this abuser does not have the capacity to apologize when there was a realization that I am not coming back. They must find someone else to take their issues out on.

 

I have found that there is proof that brain damage occurs from childhood abuse - there was an article online that I found the link through this site - wish I could find it again - will try.

 

I have also found that to break someone's behavior is just that - it's trying to break someone's habit...a very rough feat to conquer - and - these abusers are in such DENILE that they don't acknowledge what they have been doing is so wrong to begin with so how can they break this cycle? If I heard that excuse, "It was just an accident," one more time, I don't know if I would be here today to type this email. I had to walk away with my own sanity.

 

I also found this person to have other emotional disorders as well after researching further. No, I am not diagnosing this person, I am only sharing one thought with all of you. NOTHING IS WORTH BEING ABUSED. Verbally or physically. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND LEAVE. Seek help to do so if you must. It might be sad to leave but you must take care of yourself in a situation like abuse.

 

Wishing all well,

Guest

[Craig]

Guest here are a few articles for your reading.

 

If you can locate a copy of Scientific American from March 2002 you'll find the article Scars that won’t heal: The neurobiology of child abuse by M.H. Teicher

 

Child Abuse, Shame, Rage and Violence

http://www.nospank.net/armstrng.htm

 

Violence and aggression: University of New Orleans researchers offer provocative insights

http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2001-03/UoNO-VaaU-0703101.php

 

Domestic Aggression and Traumatic Brain Injury

http://www.4therapy.com/professional/research/treatment/item.php?uniqueid=7251&categoryid=584&

 

Toward an Understanding of Violence: Neurobehavioral Aspects of Unwarranted Physical Aggression: Aspen Neurobehavioral Conference Consensus Statement.

http://www.neuneubeneu.com/pt/re/cbneuro/abstract.00010291-200101000-00001.htm;jsessionid=FR8TTr2LPWbnTZWCnKWpYSkWtH1JXRCkvkZ2gQTy1C26jTML3nZl!65971010!-949856144!8091!-1

 

The Neurological Contribution to Violence

http://www.columbia.edu/cu/psychology/terrace99/usem/pincus3.htm

 

Making a Monster: The Biological, Social, and Artistic Construction of a Serial Killer

http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro01/web3/White.html

 

Tormented Souls, Diseased Brains

http://www.cerebromente.org.br/n07/doencas/disease_i.htm

[blind_otter]

Just wanted to know someone else's experience...first time in abusive relationship...physical abuse present...it's always an "accident."

 

Do abusers ever have the courage to say they are sorry?

 

IME, yes. Some of them do. I don't ascribe to the "once an abuser, always an abuser" theory.

[PussInHeels]

They apologize frequently, but it isn't prompted by courage, and isn't sincere. In my opinion, sorry just doesn't cut it after deliberately abusing someone who puts his/her trust in you. You should talk to someone else you trust, and get them to help you get out. It may be difficult, but you deserve to be protected from harm.

[shelby_shellsp]

Abusers can also be women.

 

My ExW never once said she was sorry for the abuse she rained down on me.

 

Abusers only say they are sorry if they have an angle they are gunning for.. more abuse/control.

 

True, I never actually say I was sorry until now that I'm currently helping help. I just broke down with guilt I had bottled on for four months, way to long.

[shelby_shellsp]

Thanks so much for all of your input...all of you had brilliant comments. Except for one (Shellby) I disagree...there is no excuse for abusing someone if you have had a bad hand of cards dealt to you. I have had MEGA troubles in my life and make it a point to be civil to all.

 

I wanted to let everyone know that I have had complete N/C with said abuser for many months now. I picked myself up and walked out the door and never looked back.

 

I would have liked an apology but after reading all of your posts and doing my own research, it's so not worth waiting for. Also, this abuser does not have the capacity to apologize when there was a realization that I am not coming back. They must find someone else to take their issues out on.

 

I have found that there is proof that brain damage occurs from childhood abuse - there was an article online that I found the link through this site - wish I could find it again - will try.

 

I'm aware what I was doing to my b/f (hitting and scratching him) for the past month was wrong, which why I'm currently seeking help. Just today I broke down with the guilt I had hidden. At first I didn't think it was a big deal and I was like "Well no need to apologize whatsoever".

 

But see whenever I would wake up the next day, I was full of guilt, I felt like I needed to say something to him about it, but then I just got it over with and basically everything was back to normal again, then it would happen again. It's been already several days since the last incident I took it on him, in which I calmly solved it. Though I notice he's been less affectionated than before currently this month, acting a bit distant.

[Guest]

Thank you so much for posting that information regarding the various types of emotional problems associated with abuse.

 

This will be very helpful to MY recovery after being in such a vicious relationship.

 

I hope that all seek freedom from abusive relationships. Also, Shellby seems to be realizing that hurting is wrong - wow - that is half the battle - you should be proud of yourself to feel the wrong instead of go numb and deny - major accomplishment. The person that I was with will NEVER see the truth the wrongs done - all was done for selfish needs to continue living in in the punishing realm for both of us.

 

Thanks so much for all of your input.

 

Much appreciated,

Guest

[whatwentwrong19]

For the first time I just got a sorry letter from my now ex. Now I'm trying to figure out whether or not I should go back to her, geez I must be going crazy. While one part of me says no, the other says yes.