Guest Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 For the first time I just got a sorry letter from my now ex. Now I'm trying to figure out whether or not I should go back to her, geez I must be going crazy. While one part of me says no, the other says yes. Listen to the part that says no. You KNOW that she can write it, say it, hire a skywriter to write it in purple, or take out TV ads but in the end she WILL NOT change. Because she cannot. It's just words. There's nothing behind them. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 shelby_shellsp it has been my experience directly and in talking to other survivors of abuse and in talking to various professionals that work with abusers and survivors every day that the type of abuser (the cycle of violence abuser) does not require an incident to explode into a rage. What does that mean? Well if anyone out there is a victim/survivor of a cycle of violence abuser you'll know it because you feel like you are walking on eggshells when the abuser is in your life. In fact there is a book called Walking on Eggshells that deals with this topic. Life is not black and white and neither is abuse. In fact there are varying shades of gray and varying degrees and types of abuse and abusers. To make things even more complicated, a person with a slight tendency toward cycle of violence abuse may also have an anger management issues and/or other challenges like one or more personality disorders. Imagine a person that is a cycle of violence abuser that also has Borderline Personality Disorder AND Histrionic Personality Disorder! (Google DSM-IV "Borderline Personality Disorder" "Histrionic Personality Disorder" for definitions if you don't know them) A person with anger management issues is not necessarily also a cycle of violence abuser and does require a trigger to explode into a rage. A reasonable person would agree that the trigger would likely result in anger in a 'normal' person BUT the person with anger management issues has an unreasonable response to the trigger. It is completely normal that a person can be angry without visible rage and without losing control of themself. In other words a person can be calmly angry. The cycle of violence abuser doesn't require a triggering event to fly into a rage. So it is quite possible that you have more of an anger management issue to deal with if you did have triggering events that lead to your abusive behavior. If you were abusive when there was not a triggering event then your challenge is more extreme BUT you are aware that you have a problem and are willing to do something about it and that is what may make all the difference in the path your life takes. I'd encourage you to get counseling AND take an anger management course. You should be able to find both for free (if you can't afford payments) at your local domestic violence center. What you say and who you are is kept confidential, you'll find support and encouragement for yourself there from people that genuinely car about you. Make the call today if you haven't already. Link to post Share on other sites
Marcus1963 Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 i have a few friends who were abuised and their abusers never said they were sorry for what they did although these people are all screwed up because of the abuse:( Link to post Share on other sites
whatwentwrong19 Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 Listen to the part that says no. You KNOW that she can write it, say it, hire a skywriter to write it in purple, or take out TV ads but in the end she WILL NOT change. Because she cannot. It's just words. There's nothing behind them. Nevermind I'm not going back to her, I don't know what was I thinking. Maybe it was the moment I felt she was sincere yet this has happened also to an ex of her, the same apology letter. There is no molestation or abusive background on her story so I don't really know what is making her tick and react that way and I may never find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 Nevermind I'm not going back to her, I don't know what was I thinking. Maybe it was the moment I felt she was sincere yet this has happened also to an ex of her, the same apology letter. There is no molestation or abusive background on her story so I don't really know what is making her tick and react that way and I may never find out. Dear Whatwentwrong, DO NOT GO BACK - once an abuser - always an abuser. Unless they get intense therapy for years! Do you want to waste that much time when you can be living a great life that is productive and without fear that you will be abused again???? NO WAY! Go forward and never look back. I have been going forward and LIFE IS GETTING SO MUCH BETTER EVERYDAY! I do not have to worry when it was going to come again - when that person was going to do me wrong again - i am very happy and know that NOBODY DESERVES TO BE ABUSED - NO MATTER WHAT - NOBODY DESERVES TO BE ABUSED. The abuser I was with still hasn't apologized and I couldn't care less if it happens after what I have learned though this web page - THANKS FOR ALL OF YOUR INPUT about the topic - makes alot of sense... Good luck, Guest Link to post Share on other sites
lovergrl86 Posted December 2, 2006 Share Posted December 2, 2006 I was abused since I was 14, my step-father used to molest me and now 7 year's later I don't think he would of ever apologized, he died when I was 18 (now 21 in 2 months) and from the age of 14 to 18 he molested me almost everyday. During those times he was alcoholed-up, drugged-up, and crazy. Not saying it's these resons for his abuse but he was so out of it all of the time that I don't think if he ever got the chance that he would of said sorry. Now 21 and I still dwell on the memorys of the physical, mental, and emotional abuse. I am in counseling right now and it seems to be working, but it's going to take a while for me to forgive and forget. Cheri ann Link to post Share on other sites
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