Sex, Cheating...

[Becki]

Firstly, i know i have issues with my own body, and up until recently i thought nobody would ever ever look at me in “that” kinda way. Well i still hate the way i look, but i dont know if its because my attitude has changed that people want me. Im not being big headed, i personally dont see why they do!

 

Anyway, i was in a relationship for nearly three years, and to start off with i wanted sex all the time, but then it got boring, so i went completely off sex with this guy, and at the time i thougt nothing of it, but id pretend to be asleep so he would go to sleep, and as soon as he was asleep id get myself off. Then during the week while i didnt see him, id be pretty much getting myself off all the time..sometimes even while out with friends id just get this overwhelming urge and have to pop to the toilet!!

 

So, i got out of that relationship...id gotten that bored i cheated on him, and i think this is where m problem comes from. When i slept with this other guy, he made me feel really special..like all he would want to do all day is stay in bed with me and so after id split up with this guy, i wouldnt “put myself out there” so to speak, but its like everyone seemed to know i was a very sexual, now single girl. This is two years ago, and i dont think ive changed. Just grown up more.

 

Now heres my problem. Im now engaged to a guy a love to death. I dont want to hurt him at all, but i know what ive done is wrong. We both love sex, or did, and at one point when we were both unemployed, we would literally just spend the day in bed together, only really getting out to look for jobs/ eat etc. Then he started work and so did i, and then back in july we started falling out quite a lot. Most of it was due to me, wondering why he didnt want to touch me anymore. Well he did, we were still having sex at least once a day, but nothing like it used to be...i know that to start with it was cus it was with a new person, and exciting, but i still wanted the excitement. But thats now why ive got a major problem. I thought we had split up one night, and i was at a festival, and a guy i knew from work was there, he used to come in for a drink just because of me. So we ended up together that night, and although my heart was broken from me and my bf splitting up, i felt instantly better. Like i was wanted again, adored for that night. Anyway when i got home my bf had tried to contact me and said how sorry he was, and we sorted it out and all was fine...till a few weeks later, i went round to this guys house one night to watch a film, and my bf was meant to be picking me up after work, he never turned up and so i stayed there, just having a laugh with this guy, and later on my bf rang me and had a go at me for not being at home, so after id argued with him, i slept with this guy again.

 

The next day i went to work and i felt so bad about it i told him i wasnt going to see him outside work anymore..and i havent! He texts me occasionally but thats it.

 

Since then though, ive slept with 4 other guys...and the last time i cheated on my bf it wasnt just with one guy, it was with two. Something i always just thought id just fantasize about..but it really happened. And as much as it was fun...I feel so bad. Plus the thing is, 3 of the 5 people, my bf knows, and 2 of those 3 are pretty good mates with him. I love sex, and i feel im doing anything to get it at times..i hate cheaters, but i am one, so i dont have an excuse. And i know id be furious with him if the roles were reversed.

 

So, if ouve read this far, what do you think?? Will i ever be able to just stop and realise i should be lucky with what ive got?? The thing is, when i cheat on him, are the days hes put me down, and made me feel so bad, but its not an excuse..i know that.

[Wantingtogetitright]

sex is your means of validating your self worth and you are doing completely the opposite and making yourself worthless.

 

You are heading along a very dangerous path, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

 

Please please please seek some professional help.