past comes back to haunt me

[Crystal]

today i was suppose to go do this job, yesterday i was suppose to go do this same job that i was suppose to go do today but neither day did i do the job.

 

so today i sit home and cry at my seemingly inability to get to work, to get out of the house and make a life for myself.

 

i went instead and filled out several applications for jobs, but then i wonder if i get a call for a job how will i go when it seems i cant get to work anymore?

 

i dont know what is wrong with me lately, this is getting terrible...i even lied to my fiancee about the whole thing because i know how mad he will be if he knew i couldnt go to that job.

 

it was not the job, i know how to do the job, i just could not go. so today i was thinking he will be mad at me and yell at me about something then i will pack up and leave hiim.

 

i need him to be mad at me to leave so i am justified. so today i'm reading a book on co-dependence and something struck me odd, how when i was young i always ran away from home.

 

today i realized that i always want to run away from home even now. i dont know why though, maybe to avoid responsibility, maybe for fear of repercussion, maybe i intentionally sabotage things for a reason to run away, or maybe i'm not really even running away.

 

either way i dont know what is wrong with me, i really want to work, i just cant seem to bring myself to do it lately.

 

short of hanging my self i dont know what else to do, when i told my guy that i had filled out these applications today he was totally pleased with me, and said he was glad that i was at least trying.

 

so now i dont know what to do........i'm bummed, really bummed..and i lied to him and i feel like crap about it too, that really hurt me to do that cause i have a gigantic conscious...

[Tony T]

You don't give a lot of detail in your post beyond the fact that you have a lot of avoidance behavior. My bet is that you came from a highly dysfunctional family and a lot of your issues stem from that in your childhood.

 

Right now, your biggest problem is depression. Your lack of motivation is due to total disinterest in life.

 

My guess also is that part of your dysfunctional family environment involved anger and abuse. So you are trying to get your guy pissed off at you...so you will feel loved. You equate love with abuse, something you sustained and an association you made when you were young. Living a chaotic life is right at home for you so you continue to try to replicate your youth in order to feel comfortable.

 

You are on the right track in recognizing your dilema. Get some good books on co-dependence. Read books by Melody Beattie and John Bradshaw. There are many good books published by Health Communications, Deerfield Beach, Florida on the subject of co-dependence, dysfunctional families, etc. They have a website which you can find with any good search engine. Also enter "codependence" and "adult children" in any good search engine to get a lot of reading sources.

 

See if you can find some support groups in your area. Even if you don't drink, Alcoholics Annonymous can provide a safe haven to discuss your feelings and there are many wise people who attend those meetings who have gone through exactly what you have. They are kind and supportive. I know because I have friends who attend on a regular basis and they have made major life changes.

 

Recovery will take some time. It will be painful at times. There are a lot of feelings you have that have been numbed for many years. You have a lot of work cut out for you over time but it's well worth it.

 

Good luck to you. I doubt you will become motivated and feel life and it should be felt until you make major strides in getting in touch and resolving a lot of repressed anger and other feelings from your past you may have no idea exist at this time.

[clia]

Crystal,

 

I really think you could benefit from counseling. I'm not saying this to be mean, but it seems as though you have a plethora of problems relating to all kinds of different things. Reading books helps, but a certified therapist could certainly give you better feedback on how to improve your situation than a bunch of random people on the Internet.

 

I'm confused about why couldn't you go do the job. Was it too enticing to stay on the computer all day? Is this related to your agoraphobia and anxiety? We all have things in life that we don't want to do at times. There were times in my life when I hated my job, but I still went because I had a responsibility to go. You say you want to work, but you can't bring yourself to do it. Why not? You really need to find out what is going on here, because there are obviously some underlying issues that you desperately need help with!

 

Are you averse to going to therapy for some reason? I just think you will be soooo much happier in the long run if you go. Life is too short to spend it being miserable. If it's a money thing, just suck it up. Your well being is priceless. And if you get therapy, you may be able to work to pay off the bill.

today i was suppose to go do this job, yesterday i was suppose to go do this same job that i was suppose to go do today but neither day did i do the job. so today i sit home and cry at my seemingly inability to get to work, to get out of the house and make a life for myself. i went instead and filled out several applications for jobs, but then i wonder if i get a call for a job how will i go when it seems i cant get to work anymore? i dont know what is wrong with me lately, this is getting terrible...i even lied to my fiancee about the whole thing because i know how mad he will be if he knew i couldnt go to that job. it was not the job, i know how to do the job, i just could not go. so today i was thinking he will be mad at me and yell at me about something then i will pack up and leave hiim. i need him to be mad at me to leave so i am justified. so today i'm reading a book on co-dependence and something struck me odd, how when i was young i always ran away from home. today i realized that i always want to run away from home even now. i dont know why though, maybe to avoid responsibility, maybe for fear of repercussion, maybe i intentionally sabotage things for a reason to run away, or maybe i'm not really even running away. either way i dont know what is wrong with me, i really want to work, i just cant seem to bring myself to do it lately. short of hanging my self i dont know what else to do, when i told my guy that i had filled out these applications today he was totally pleased with me, and said he was glad that i was at least trying. so now i dont know what to do........i'm bummed, really bummed..and i lied to him and i feel like crap about it too, that really hurt me to do that cause i have a gigantic conscious...

[Crystal]

believe it or not i do go to counseling but the clinic i go to is always so booked i'm lucky to get in twice a month.

 

the reason i couldnot go to work is from the anxiety i have been feeling lately, i think anyway, it seems lately all i've been doing is crying and i dont know why and i cant stop but i dont feel depressed but tony things i am but i dont know i cant tell anymore.

 

if i'm not depressed then why am i sitting here crying? i dont even know the answer to that either. some of what tony said makes sense, but i dont know anything anymore, i jst feel so dammed frustrated.

 

i did not sit at home on the computer all day, i wanted to get out of the house, i wanted to just get on the highway with my little dog and go and go and go and just keep going but i wouldnt even know where to go anyway.

 

i went and filled out applications at least i did something constructive today, so maybe i can not feel so guilty this evening.

 

tomorrow i work at the shop for my fiancee's brother so that will help my mood maybe.

 

thank you for responding, i just dont have anyone to talk to so i come here, i know people here dont like me but i come back anyway because i dont have anywhere else to turn.

Crystal, I really think you could benefit from counseling. I'm not saying this to be mean, but it seems as though you have a plethora of problems relating to all kinds of different things. Reading books helps, but a certified therapist could certainly give you better feedback on how to improve your situation than a bunch of random people on the Internet. I'm confused about why couldn't you go do the job. Was it too enticing to stay on the computer all day? Is this related to your agoraphobia and anxiety? We all have things in life that we don't want to do at times. There were times in my life when I hated my job, but I still went because I had a responsibility to go. You say you want to work, but you can't bring yourself to do it. Why not? You really need to find out what is going on here, because there are obviously some underlying issues that you desperately need help with! Are you averse to going to therapy for some reason? I just think you will be soooo much happier in the long run if you go. Life is too short to spend it being miserable. If it's a money thing, just suck it up. Your well being is priceless. And if you get therapy, you may be able to work to pay off the bill.

[Crystal]

i think i am trying to get my guy pissed off at me so i can leave him, does that make anysense?

 

i dont want to but i do have an avoidant personality and alot of anger in me towards my own self more then anything.

 

the anger is like frustration of not being able to follow through with anything that i want to do.

 

i feel pressured to go out and do these things that i KNOW are the right thing to do they are just a normal part of being responsible and taking charge of your own life.

 

yet i seem trapped and stuck and almost frozen like, i just cant explain it, but i know what is right and what is wrong but still i seem paralyzed to do what i should be doing.

 

as for growing up in an angry and abusive home, it was more like every body hated everybody, my sisters faught me like cats and dogs as i was the youngest and always picked on.

 

i didnt even like my family, i hated them all, but now we are all fairly close, and none of them have the problems i do so what went wrong with me?

 

i will check into some of these other books. on the back of the book i'm reading they have an 1-800 number to call and they actually have a clinic sorta near me.

 

they will call me tomorrow i hope, and i'm sure it would be worth the money if i could see someone in this clinic, the lady i see is helpful but i dont think she sees the whole picture but then again neiter do i.

 

i am still waiting for the other clinic to call me back about the celexa, she was off today, geee imagine that....

You don't give a lot of detail in your post beyond the fact that you have a lot of avoidance behavior. My bet is that you came from a highly dysfunctional family and a lot of your issues stem from that in your childhood. Right now, your biggest problem is depression. Your lack of motivation is due to total disinterest in life. My guess also is that part of your dysfunctional family environment involved anger and abuse. So you are trying to get your guy pissed off at you...so you will feel loved. You equate love with abuse, something you sustained and an association you made when you were young. Living a chaotic life is right at home for you so you continue to try to replicate your youth in order to feel comfortable.

 

You are on the right track in recognizing your dilema. Get some good books on co-dependence. Read books by Melody Beattie and John Bradshaw. There are many good books published by Health Communications, Deerfield Beach, Florida on the subject of co-dependence, dysfunctional families, etc. They have a website which you can find with any good search engine. Also enter "codependence" and "adult children" in any good search engine to get a lot of reading sources. See if you can find some support groups in your area. Even if you don't drink, Alcoholics Annonymous can provide a safe haven to discuss your feelings and there are many wise people who attend those meetings who have gone through exactly what you have. They are kind and supportive. I know because I have friends who attend on a regular basis and they have made major life changes. Recovery will take some time. It will be painful at times. There are a lot of feelings you have that have been numbed for many years. You have a lot of work cut out for you over time but it's well worth it. Good luck to you. I doubt you will become motivated and feel life and it should be felt until you make major strides in getting in touch and resolving a lot of repressed anger and other feelings from your past you may have no idea exist at this time.

[Crystal]

have you heard of a place called minirth meier new life institute? they have books on co-dependency that is one i am reading now...

i think i am trying to get my guy pissed off at me so i can leave him, does that make anysense?

 

i dont want to but i do have an avoidant personality and alot of anger in me towards my own self more then anything. the anger is like frustration of not being able to follow through with anything that i want to do. i feel pressured to go out and do these things that i KNOW are the right thing to do they are just a normal part of being responsible and taking charge of your own life. yet i seem trapped and stuck and almost frozen like, i just cant explain it, but i know what is right and what is wrong but still i seem paralyzed to do what i should be doing. as for growing up in an angry and abusive home, it was more like every body hated everybody, my sisters faught me like cats and dogs as i was the youngest and always picked on. i didnt even like my family, i hated them all, but now we are all fairly close, and none of them have the problems i do so what went wrong with me? i will check into some of these other books. on the back of the book i'm reading they have an 1-800 number to call and they actually have a clinic sorta near me. they will call me tomorrow i hope, and i'm sure it would be worth the money if i could see someone in this clinic, the lady i see is helpful but i dont think she sees the whole picture but then again neiter do i. i am still waiting for the other clinic to call me back about the celexa, she was off today, geee imagine that....

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "have you heard of a place called minirth

meier new life institute?"

Yes, they are a religious based organization and have great outreach programs in the social and mental health field. They also have a national radio program syndication on religious radio stations.

 

Any books or other materials you get from them can be trusted and should be very helpful to you. I think they also have a hotline or other phone help resources you may want to look into for extra guidance.

[Crystal]

i am going to do a search for more of their materials on the net..i am reading "love is a choice" recovery for codependent relationships...so far it is good but i need more indepth help for this, what ever this is....

 

thank you for your input too.

YOU ASK: "have you heard of a place called minirth Yes, they are a religious based organization and have great outreach programs in the social and mental health field. They also have a national radio program syndication on religious radio stations.

 

Any books or other materials you get from them can be trusted and should be very helpful to you. I think they also have a hotline or other phone help resources you may want to look into for extra guidance.

[Daisy]

Crystal:

 

I read your many posts here and I generally have to refrain from replying to them because I have noticed how you only take advice that comes across as sympathetic, or you simply don't take our advice period.

 

You seem so caught up in yourself. Preoccupied with all your many problems. Have you ever considered volunteering? Giving of your time to those less fortunate and thinking about someone other then yourself for a change?

 

All the selfhelp books and therapy sessions in the world don't appear to be helping. You are overly reliant on this forum to the point where it's beyond healthy. I sense that deep down inside, you enjoy having all of these problems. I suspect that many of them are problems you've created so that you can seek sympathy and validation from everyone. Instead of taking anyone's advice, you simply return again and again. I think we are all doing you a great disservice by continuing to respond to your messages here. You seem to thrive on the sympathy that you receive here and that is preventing you from being an adult, taking the bull by the horns and doing what you need to do.

 

If you had such a conscious as you claim to, you wouldn't have lied to your boyfriend at all. You have lied to him in the past have you not? Didn't you do something long ago to keep from having to go to some event with him?

 

Stop blaming your past for how you are today. We have all had difficult times in our past, our childhoods. Many people have lived horrid childhoods but they grow up and go on to lead productive lives; ones with responsibility and accountability. I sense that you really enjoy having all these problems. You create most of them. You make more excuses than I've ever read. You blame your problems on your boyfriend being an enabler, and you being codependent. It's time for you to own up to the mess things are. Stop making excuses, stop seeking sympathy, stop trying to justify your actions or inactions.

 

Stop using this forum as a crutch. You're a middle aged woman who needs to stop making excuses and start getting serious. What right do you have to go through your life not contributing? What if your boyfriend decided one day that he didn't feel like leaving the house and working? Life is not a free ride. You need to become accountable. You need to stop obsessing with your many health problems, your mental health problems, your alleged disabling anxieties and get real with yourself. Stop complaining and get doing. This is getting ridiculous. I encourage others to stop replying to your daily and weekly repetitive whine sessions and excuses. We are not helping you at all.

today i was suppose to go do this job, yesterday i was suppose to go do this same job that i was suppose to go do today but neither day did i do the job. so today i sit home and cry at my seemingly inability to get to work, to get out of the house and make a life for myself. i went instead and filled out several applications for jobs, but then i wonder if i get a call for a job how will i go when it seems i cant get to work anymore? i dont know what is wrong with me lately, this is getting terrible...i even lied to my fiancee about the whole thing because i know how mad he will be if he knew i couldnt go to that job. it was not the job, i know how to do the job, i just could not go. so today i was thinking he will be mad at me and yell at me about something then i will pack up and leave hiim. i need him to be mad at me to leave so i am justified. so today i'm reading a book on co-dependence and something struck me odd, how when i was young i always ran away from home. today i realized that i always want to run away from home even now. i dont know why though, maybe to avoid responsibility, maybe for fear of repercussion, maybe i intentionally sabotage things for a reason to run away, or maybe i'm not really even running away. either way i dont know what is wrong with me, i really want to work, i just cant seem to bring myself to do it lately. short of hanging my self i dont know what else to do, when i told my guy that i had filled out these applications today he was totally pleased with me, and said he was glad that i was at least trying. so now i dont know what to do........i'm bummed, really bummed..and i lied to him and i feel like crap about it too, that really hurt me to do that cause i have a gigantic conscious...

[Crystal]

i would like to know how you 'THINK' you know so much about me?

 

unless you are a regular which by the name i've never seen before, so obviously you are a regular using a fake name because there is no way you could no anything about me having seen your name on here for the first time a few days ago.

 

as for what you said, you are so wrong about it all...you are placing false asumptions on things that you have no experience in doing.

 

so from now on, i would appreciate it if you would not answer any of my posts...those that answer it are free to do so, as you are, but since it stirs up more conflict then it is worth i would rather you not.

 

that is all i have to say besides that what i get from this board does help, because i come back does not mean it is not beneficial, it just takes something to sink in, your response is not one that would sink in because it does not ring true.

 

that is all i am going to say to you about anything, so please dont bother me anymore, ihave enough going on in my life without feeling harrassed by you too. thank you...

Crystal: I read your many posts here and I generally have to refrain from replying to them because I have noticed how you only take advice that comes across as sympathetic, or you simply don't take our advice period. You seem so caught up in yourself. Preoccupied with all your many problems. Have you ever considered volunteering? Giving of your time to those less fortunate and thinking about someone other then yourself for a change? All the selfhelp books and therapy sessions in the world don't appear to be helping. You are overly reliant on this forum to the point where it's beyond healthy. I sense that deep down inside, you enjoy having all of these problems. I suspect that many of them are problems you've created so that you can seek sympathy and validation from everyone. Instead of taking anyone's advice, you simply return again and again. I think we are all doing you a great disservice by continuing to respond to your messages here. You seem to thrive on the sympathy that you receive here and that is preventing you from being an adult, taking the bull by the horns and doing what you need to do. If you had such a conscious as you claim to, you wouldn't have lied to your boyfriend at all. You have lied to him in the past have you not? Didn't you do something long ago to keep from having to go to some event with him? Stop blaming your past for how you are today. We have all had difficult times in our past, our childhoods. Many people have lived horrid childhoods but they grow up and go on to lead productive lives; ones with responsibility and accountability. I sense that you really enjoy having all these problems. You create most of them. You make more excuses than I've ever read. You blame your problems on your boyfriend being an enabler, and you being codependent. It's time for you to own up to the mess things are. Stop making excuses, stop seeking sympathy, stop trying to justify your actions or inactions. Stop using this forum as a crutch. You're a middle aged woman who needs to stop making excuses and start getting serious. What right do you have to go through your life not contributing? What if your boyfriend decided one day that he didn't feel like leaving the house and working? Life is not a free ride. You need to become accountable. You need to stop obsessing with your many health problems, your mental health problems, your alleged disabling anxieties and get real with yourself. Stop complaining and get doing. This is getting ridiculous. I encourage others to stop replying to your daily and weekly repetitive whine sessions and excuses. We are not helping you at all.

[Tony T]

There is a lot of merit to what Daisy has to say. Seeking and receiving advice on this forum is good but there is no substitute for making decisive and dramatic changes in one's life in order to effect substantive change in a new direction.

 

I'd say at this point you have all the information you need to get your life going in a new direction.

 

You have to create your own path in life. We can't do that for you.

 

I pray that our maker will grant you the strength and the fortitude to pick yourself up by the bootstraps, take life by the horns, and start moving in a direction of positive change and renewal.

 

There really isn't much more we can do for you here except to create a codependent situation which will not be in your best interests.

 

Continue your therapy and let your counsellor be your guide...and use him/her sparingly. It's time you move in a direction that you select for yourself based on the wisdom you have acquired in your learning process.

[Crystal]

I sense that deep down inside, you enjoy having all of these problems. I suspect that many of them are problems you've created so that you can seek sympathy and validation from everyone.

 

this is bull crap! that is why i dont listen to her! i do not make problems for myself, i do not enjoy feeling this way, i do not want sympathy or pity or validation or anything from anyone.

 

i only want to feel better that is all, i dont have anyone to talk to to share these things with either or i would go else where....sorrie to bother you but you dont have to read my posts nor answer them!

 

i am doing what i can with counseling, it is slow to go as i cant get in when i want only when they have the time which is far and inbetween sessions.

 

There is a lot of merit to what Daisy has to say. Seeking and receiving advice on this forum is good but there is no substitute for making decisive and dramatic changes in one's life in order to effect substantive change in a new direction.

 

I'd say at this point you have all the information you need to get your life going in a new direction.

 

You have to create your own path in life. We can't do that for you. I pray that our maker will grant you the strength and the fortitude to pick yourself up by the bootstraps, take life by the horns, and start moving in a direction of positive change and renewal. There really isn't much more we can do for you here except to create a codependent situation which will not be in your best interests. Continue your therapy and let your counsellor be your guide...and use him/her sparingly. It's time you move in a direction that you select for yourself based on the wisdom you have acquired in your learning process.

[clia]

Crystal,

 

Find a new counselor. That can't be the only place you can go. I think you need to see someone at least a few times a week to get through this, not just "whenever you can get in." I think you are depressed. You certainly sound depressed. You may not want to believe that, but normal people do not cry for no reason during the day, not go to work because they can't, etc., etc., etc. It hurts to face that, but the first step in the healing process is realizing what the problem is and facing up to it. People who post here aren't (for the most part) trying to hurt your feelings. They are simply trying to tell you what *they* see from your posts. And I agree with some of them. You sound like you are hurting. You can do something about that, though! Depression may result from a chemical imbalance. There's medication for that! You'll feel like a new woman!

 

I also agree that what Daisy said has a lot of merit. Hey, it hurts to hear the truth sometimes! Read her post again and think about it. At some point you have to forget about your childhood, etc., and just grow up. You wouldn't believe the childhood I had and neither would many of the people who know me. Utter hell. But you know what? I moved past it. There's no reason to dwell on it and make myself miserable over it. I had it hard, as did many, many people in this world. It made me who I am today. I took the parts of it that made me strong and embraced them and discarded the parts of it that made me weak. I can do that because it's MY life, and I'm determined to enjoy it!!!

 

Please do the same. Life is great. There are so many awesome things out there, and you are as entitled as anyone else out there to enjoy them!

I sense that deep down inside, you enjoy having all of these problems. I suspect that many of them are problems you've created so that you can seek sympathy and validation from everyone.

 

this is bull crap! that is why i dont listen to her! i do not make problems for myself, i do not enjoy feeling this way, i do not want sympathy or pity or validation or anything from anyone.

 

i only want to feel better that is all, i dont have anyone to talk to to share these things with either or i would go else where....sorrie to bother you but you dont have to read my posts nor answer them! i am doing what i can with counseling, it is slow to go as i cant get in when i want only when they have the time which is far and inbetween sessions.

[Crystal]

thank you clia, you are sweet and sound very nice and i will take your suggestion and try to make things better.

 

as for childhood problems i dont go around dwelling on them, it just seems that i am stuck in them, in the past behaviours of my life and i dont know how to move forward as you have done and i commend you on that.

 

sometimes it takes a certain type of person to be able to do just that, i dont feel like i'm that type of person who can easily move past things though i would love to be able to.

 

the insurance i have allows me to only go to this clinic for counseling but if i can get into this other place it may well be worth the money spent, i'm hoping anyway.

 

i am trying to get on an anti-depressant as i was at one time a long time ago. i called the clinic on monday and the lady had totalk to the dr. then today she was not in but you can be sure tomorrow i will be calling at 8:30 when they open to get started on this again.

 

i do not like feeling this way, that is why i am offended by "daisy" she thinks this is a walk in the park when it is very painful.

 

thank you for your kind words, i will take them to heart, Crystal.

Crystal, Find a new counselor. That can't be the only place you can go. I think you need to see someone at least a few times a week to get through this, not just "whenever you can get in." I think you are depressed. You certainly sound depressed. You may not want to believe that, but normal people do not cry for no reason during the day, not go to work because they can't, etc., etc., etc. It hurts to face that, but the first step in the healing process is realizing what the problem is and facing up to it. People who post here aren't (for the most part) trying to hurt your feelings. They are simply trying to tell you what *they* see from your posts. And I agree with some of them. You sound like you are hurting. You can do something about that, though! Depression may result from a chemical imbalance. There's medication for that! You'll feel like a new woman! I also agree that what Daisy said has a lot of merit. Hey, it hurts to hear the truth sometimes! Read her post again and think about it. At some point you have to forget about your childhood, etc., and just grow up. You wouldn't believe the childhood I had and neither would many of the people who know me. Utter hell. But you know what? I moved past it. There's no reason to dwell on it and make myself miserable over it. I had it hard, as did many, many people in this world. It made me who I am today. I took the parts of it that made me strong and embraced them and discarded the parts of it that made me weak. I can do that because it's MY life, and I'm determined to enjoy it!!! Please do the same. Life is great. There are so many awesome things out there, and you are as entitled as anyone else out there to enjoy them!

[Daisy]

It's not a matter of what I "think" i know about you. When my life was less hectic, I used to be somewhat of a regular here. I'm sure many of the others can verify this. You accused another regular (Rachel) of being someone with a fake name and we know that's not true. Before accusing people here of being someone we're not, get the facts.

 

I don't think I'm wrong about it all. I have read your many posts here for the past year. They are always the same thing. You always write about the same problems and difficulties. You are given oodles of advice and good wishes but you continue to come back and act like you've never been given any advice. Like these are brand new problems.

 

I look around here and you are the only person who posts about your whole life problems. Most people come here to ask the odd question pertaining to dating or their relationship. You seem to want us to help you work through all of the problems in your life; from your anxiety to your health problems to your social phobias to your inability to open up to your boyfriend to your constant impulsive desire to leave him. This place isn't intended, I don't think, to be a substitute for professional therapy. You have been given more advice than anyone here yet you continue coming back for more on almost a daily basis. Frankly I'm not sure why people continue to reply because they must sometimes feel like they are talking to a brick wall.

 

You have all the advice and info you need to help yourself. Key words: help yourself. Tony mentioned this quite well.

 

Perhaps my response doesn't ring true to you but I think you live in a lot of denial. Others have seen where I'm coming from so I can't be that far off.

 

If you don't have anyone you can tell this all to, then maybe try making some real life friends or get in touch with family. You are far too reliant on this forum to help you with the same day to day problems. You DO make a lot of excuses.

 

This place owes you nothing. And there is no point in telling me not to reply to your messages any more. I can reply where I see fit. As long as you keep coming here to relay the same and more details of this ongoing saga, anyone reading is free to give their input.

 

It is again obvious that you only appreciate advice that is delivered to you in a sympathetic, sweet manner. All that sympathy and sweetness is obviously not helping you or you wouldn't be back here complaining about the same problems month after month. If you can't get into counseling more often at the place your'e going, find somewhere else, which you admitted you can do. Why didn't you just think of that yourself? I think it is because you enjoy the familiarity of all the drama and chaos in your life. Maybe it's all you know but it's time to break the pattern, stop making excuses and actually do something to improve your life. I wish you well.

i would like to know how you 'THINK' you know so much about me? unless you are a regular which by the name i've never seen before, so obviously you are a regular using a fake name because there is no way you could no anything about me having seen your name on here for the first time a few days ago. as for what you said, you are so wrong about it all...you are placing false asumptions on things that you have no experience in doing. so from now on, i would appreciate it if you would not answer any of my posts...those that answer it are free to do so, as you are, but since it stirs up more conflict then it is worth i would rather you not. that is all i have to say besides that what i get from this board does help, because i come back does not mean it is not beneficial, it just takes something to sink in, your response is not one that would sink in because it does not ring true. that is all i am going to say to you about anything, so please dont bother me anymore, ihave enough going on in my life without feeling harrassed by you too. thank you...

[Tony T]

If you're not going to grow from your experience at this forum or in your personal therapy, there is a serious problem.

 

Depending so much on the advice of others, particularly at your age and with problems you repeat over and over and over, is highly pathological in my opinion. To become angry when people bring this to your attention is also a sign of serious disorder.

 

I hope you will take pride in yourself and try to move forward in the world with honor and strength and try much less to lean on others for what you should be bringing to your own psychological table.

 

As Daisy said, it's really time to DO SOMETHING!!!

[Rachel]

If you're not going to grow from your experience at this forum or in your personal therapy, there is a serious problem. Depending so much on the advice of others, particularly at your age and with problems you repeat over and over and over, is highly pathological in my opinion. To become angry when people bring this to your attention is also a sign of serious disorder. I hope you will take pride in yourself and try to move forward in the world with honor and strength and try much less to lean on others for what you should be bringing to your own psychological table. As Daisy said, it's really time to DO SOMETHING!!!

 

[quankanne]

Crystal, I'm sorry to hear that all these problems are tearing you up, but at some point, you've got to empower yourself. For me (esp. when I'm pissed at one of my bone-headed sibs), that means asking myself "Am I part of the solution, or part of the problem?" As simplistic as this sounds, it cuts out a lot of the bulls*** that attaches itself to my problems. If I'm part of the problem but don't want to be, what steps do I need to resolve this? If I'm part of the solution, am I giving it my best, or just a half-hearted effort just to say that I'm doing something?

 

You've got a lot of different issues to face, but you can address them, you've got it in yourself to do so, it's just a matter of deciding to do so. It may mean finding a new doctor, or a new counselor and going through the whole "nice to meet you" routine over and over again, but it will pay off once you find someone who is willing and able to help. I truly believe this last part, because my husband has been seeking treatment for back problems for the past 16-18 months, and has FINALLY found someone locally who knows what he's doing! The best part is, after all that wait, this doctor has put him on the fast-track for treatment. So, it works, you've just gotta hang in there and basically be more onery than the problems that you're having.

 

As for the advice you've been getting, remember, it's just that -- advice. Accept or reject it, but don't let it bug you when we're being blunt. Sometimes, the best way to help spur someone into action is to not soft-pedal the issue but to put it right out there so you can see it from a different perspective.

[Crystal]

you have been really nice and helpful as others have been too, i am going to take your advice and get ornery then the problem, i liked that!

 

also asking am i part of the problem or part of the solution, those are words i will also take with me..

 

thinking about things at this moment as i type them and re-read your post, i can see how i am more part of the problem in my guy's life and making attempts to help however feeble was/is not enough.

 

also empowering my self, i like that!!! when things start going wrong i am going to tell myself, "empower yourself Crystal"..and i'm going to make it help too.

 

next week i start with a new counselor and i cant wait to start to get some of this crap off my chest, it will be such a burden to have someone to talk to, i hope she is nice like you and tony and straight forward like daisy and others too, maybe that is what i needed!

 

thank you for so much of your time and your help, i feel sad leaving here, though i know it best for myself and everybody here too.

 

i wish your husband a speedy and healthy recovery with his back problem, i hope he gets fully recovered soon, and i'm sure with you on his side he will do just that.

 

thank you again, Crystal.

Crystal, I'm sorry to hear that all these problems are tearing you up, but at some point, you've got to empower yourself. For me (esp. when I'm pissed at one of my bone-headed sibs), that means asking myself "Am I part of the solution, or part of the problem?" As simplistic as this sounds, it cuts out a lot of the bulls*** that attaches itself to my problems. If I'm part of the problem but don't want to be, what steps do I need to resolve this? If I'm part of the solution, am I giving it my best, or just a half-hearted effort just to say that I'm doing something? You've got a lot of different issues to face, but you can address them, you've got it in yourself to do so, it's just a matter of deciding to do so. It may mean finding a new doctor, or a new counselor and going through the whole "nice to meet you" routine over and over again, but it will pay off once you find someone who is willing and able to help. I truly believe this last part, because my husband has been seeking treatment for back problems for the past 16-18 months, and has FINALLY found someone locally who knows what he's doing! The best part is, after all that wait, this doctor has put him on the fast-track for treatment. So, it works, you've just gotta hang in there and basically be more onery than the problems that you're having. As for the advice you've been getting, remember, it's just that -- advice. Accept or reject it, but don't let it bug you when we're being blunt. Sometimes, the best way to help spur someone into action is to not soft-pedal the issue but to put it right out there so you can see it from a different perspective.

[quankanne]

I'm glad that my little bit of input can help -- I realize that sometimes it just takes a whole new way of looking at a problem to find a solution, because we tend to just drag along the same groove, thus making things appear hopeless when they really aren't.

 

Sounds like you're taking that first step by looking at how your decisions have affected the people around you, and that's good, you're on the right track, you're taking control. Just don't let it overwhelm you or get you down -- a friend of mind has to remind me from time to time that when we start out as babies, we didn't arrive on this planet running and leaping and moving about (well, most of us, anyway!), we had to learn to take "baby steps" first. Kind of puts things into perspective, you know?

 

That's wonderful news about the counseling, you're going to pick up/learn some good tools to help you empower yourself, even if it takes awhile to master use of them.

 

Thanks for the kind words about my DH, it's not much of a joy seeing someone you love hurting, and you can't do anything about it ....

 

jo anne