Email snooping

[miss snoopy]

I wonder what people think about this? I had never done it with anyone but somehow found myself doing it in my just ended relationship. Has anyone been on the receiving end? And for people who have done it, do you now regret it? I certainly do, there's such truth in the saying "what you don't know won't hurt you..."

[Enema]

Very bad form during a relationship. If you can't trust them enough to not monitor their emails you shouldn't be in the relationship with them in the first place.

 

For an ex, bad form again. Nothing positive can possibly come of it, so save yourself the angst and focus on something more positive.

[Pyro]

Very bad form during a relationship. If you can't trust them enough to not monitor their emails you shouldn't be in the relationship with them in the first place.

 

For an ex, bad form again. Nothing positive can possibly come of it, so save yourself the angst and focus on something more positive.

 

Exactly. If someone has to go out of their way due to lack of trust, then they shouldn't be in a relationship.

[IpAncA]

If you can't trust them then you shouldn't be with them. I think snooping in someone else's e-mail would cause more trouble and pain in a relationship. I would never do that even though I have the passwords. I never go in there and I don't want to. The only way that I would is if I found out he was cheating. Then I would take a look.

[Walk]

I wonder what people think about this? I had never done it with anyone but somehow found myself doing it in my just ended relationship. Has anyone been on the receiving end? And for people who have done it, do you now regret it? I certainly do, there's such truth in the saying "what you don't know won't hurt you..."

 

Did you mean you did this while you two were together, or only after you broke up?

 

Why did you two break up? Because of the snooping, or for what you found out?

 

My ex snooped through some of my stuff right before we broke up. I was mad about it at first... but then again, if I hadn't been acting shady and doing stuff I shouldn't have been doing, then he wouldn't have had to resort to snooping to find out what the hell was going on.

 

So, yeah you shouldn't have snooped. Don't make it a habit. But things probably worked out the way they did for a reason. If his actions were causing you to doubt his word, and it caused you enough insecurity to go through his private stuff, then you two probably had enough core differences in views to not be compatible long term.

 

And if the reason for the break up was false assumptions on your part, then take that lesson with you.. don't focus solely on the snooping part. That's only a quarter of the problem. Look at the reasons behind why you felt you had to snoop and how you reacted to the information you found. Then figure out how you could have handled yourself so that any misunderstanding on your part could've been worked out prior to giving in to the temptation of snooping.. or how you could've sorted out false assumptions afterward.

 

What caused you to snoop?

[miss snoopy]

Thanks everyone for your replies - you're all absolutely right and it's something I really regret now. I wish I could turn back time, I really do!

 

Walk, the cause for my snooping is summarized in my first post here - I thought I'd discuss the snooping in a separate forum (i.e. here) as it happened during the relationship as well as after. Thanks for the advice re how to conduct myself in future, I think the snooping has irreparably damaged this relationship as sometimes I found myself not knowing if what I was talking about with him came from what he'd told me earlier on in the relationship or from snooping. Also I kept asking him "bizarre" questions which would make sense to him if he knew I snooped, but otherwise just seemed, well, bizarre to him. Essentially I was constantly trying to make sense of some of the emails I'd read by getting him to "fill the gaps" - no wonder he left.

 

Here's the link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t103374/

[Walk]

I'm gonna reply on your other thread. I think the "snooping" was a bi-product of other problems and those should be addressed first.

[johan]

Exactly. If someone has to go out of their way due to lack of trust, then they shouldn't be in a relationship.

 

If you can't trust them then you shouldn't be with them.

 

I don't think absolutes like this are helpful. Trust is not on or off. Just like insecurity, the lack of trust shows up often in relationships, and it may be for good reasons or it may be unfounded. If I was with a girl who snooped through my stuff, my reaction would depend on whether her heart was in the right place. I've had it happen to me, and I've never gotten all that upset. I know there are people who find it hard to trust, and I think understanding why that is true is important for both people in the relationship. The absolute statement I would agree with is if you cannot find that understanding, then the relationship isn't going to last. The cure for the problem is only going to come from the understanding.

[IpAncA]

Well if you trust the person, then why would you be snooping around? It just looks like you have a lack of trust in that person.

[PKaye]

My ex-husband (who was a programmer) wrote a progam to read my encryped (or so I thought) e-mail. He wa very mean and it led to me going astray... so, I suppose he had some right... but I kind of feel like he should have come to me first and if he had, we might still be together.

 

C'est la vie.....

[Kittiecat]

Well I've never done email snooping but I used to check my ex's cellphone. I always felt like he was hiding something from me. I never found anything. So maybe it was all in my head. Who knows.

[magichands]

but I used to check my ex's cellphone. I always felt like he was hiding something from me.

N - 11

You must have got all 11 points for that. I usually just strip 'em naked and probe all the crevices. Thrice (it's important to be thorough).

[miss snoopy]

My ex-husband (who was a programmer) wrote a progam to read my encryped (or so I thought) e-mail. He wa very mean and it led to me going astray... so, I suppose he had some right... but I kind of feel like he should have come to me first and if he had, we might still be together.

 

C'est la vie.....

 

This sounds quite sneaky... but I did ask My ex questions and his reply was that he's a very private person. My questions were about his ex and their contact. So I decided to find out for myself as I felt he was being unneccessarily defensive.

 

It's weird, he thinks my paranoia killed the relationship, I say the ex did. If she never existed everything would be honky-dory now, I'm certain of that

[melodymatters]

Sounds like his feelings for the ex were more to blame than anything.

 

 

and Magic :

 

 

"You must have got all 11 points for that. I usually just strip 'em naked and probe all the crevices. Thrice (it's important to be thorough)."

 

LOL, too funny,

Love,

melody

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

(how many x's was that ? and I've never even MET the man !!)

[miss snoopy]

Sounds like his feelings for the ex were more to blame than anything.

 

You're right - that's really what I meant. I have no hard feelings towards her and she's being taken for a ride too!

 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

(how many x's was that ? and I've never even MET the man !!)

 

Don't get me started on x's!!! Grr!

 

Snoop xxxxxxxx

[lindya]

I don't think absolutes like this are helpful. Trust is not on or off. Just like insecurity, the lack of trust shows up often in relationships, and it may be for good reasons or it may be unfounded.

 

I think a whole thread just on this point would be really interesting. The argument that people shouldn't be in relationships where there isn't complete trust comes up often on LS. While I understand the reasoning, I don't view it as realistic. We all get presented with those "to trust or not to trust" dilemmas now and again - and they're particularly prevalent during stressful points in relationships.

 

I wonder what people think about this? I had never done it with anyone but somehow found myself doing it in my just ended relationship. Has anyone been on the receiving end? And for people who have done it, do you now regret it? I certainly do, there's such truth in the saying "what you don't know won't hurt you..."

 

I haven't personally snooped on another person's private correspondence, but a couple of people I know have admitted doing so. It didn't seem to serve any useful purpose, but perhaps it speeded up the demise of relationships that weren't working out. Who really knows?

 

I don't agree that what you don't know doesn't hurt you. Often the pain is just delayed until that time whatever secrets are being hidden from you come out (and whether or not you want them to, they generally do eventually come out).

 

Snooping is indicative of a communication problem, as well as trust issues. Trust and good communication don't just automatically happen in the "right" relationship. They're generally built over time by risks being taken, and by the parties being prepared to demonstrate their more vulnerable aspects. I wonder if there were particular obstacles in the relationship you're telling us about that hindered good levels of trust and communication from being built up?

[Rooster_DAR]

I wonder what people think about this? I had never done it with anyone but somehow found myself doing it in my just ended relationship. Has anyone been on the receiving end? And for people who have done it, do you now regret it? I certainly do, there's such truth in the saying "what you don't know won't hurt you..."

 

I am going to disagree with some of the posters and I think snooping is justifiable under certain circumstances, here's why.

 

Often people who cheat or have affairs will protect their infidelity at all costs, and they will also try to maintain there current relationship. If the person in the relationship is suffering due to their partners dispostion as well as the possiblity for STD's, then I believe providing you have adequate suspicion then a little detective can be considered.

 

In my case, if I did not snoop and find the things I thought I woud find, I would have risked more emotional damage as well as possible physical. As it turns out, my instincts were right and I was able to expose the truth and I believe that had I not done this, things would have gotten progressively worse. Also, since I did bring forth the things I found, it allowed/forced my S/O to admission and gave me the chance to decide if I want to stay or not and woke her a** up to the fact that she's having a serious problem.

 

If there is not any real positive suspicion, then yes I say snooping is dangerous for a relationship.

 

Just my POV.

 

Regards,

[miss snoopy]

Hi Lindya - some very good points raised!

 

I think I just got a weird feeling in this relationship, mainly around the ex. Just the way he talked about her when he did. Then one day, he told me things weren't working and he wanted to end it, completly out of the blue. We did get back together and then he accidentally left his email account open one evening, and that's when the snooping started. I think I wanted to know why he ended it, it just semed so out of the blue.

 

My suspicions regarding this ex were true, I knew she lived far away but I suspected he had not closed the door on that relationship. Maybe he now has, but until he does, how can he give himself to someone 100%? This is a man with commitment issues anyway so maybe it's just as well it ended now and not later when I was in really deep. Basically just before he started seeing me, his emails to her (a year post break-up!) were like emails you'd send a lover. They then became briefer and more friend-like when he started seeing me, but he didn't (and hasn't) told her about me. Then they started becoming more and more lover-like, which corresponded to when he told me it wasn't working. I feel he was at that time comparing me to her and somehow I didn't measure up, or maybe just regretting leaving her... who knows?

 

Another thing is we moved way too fast, becoming physially intimate and practically living out of each others pockets in a relatively short time. I think I expected intimacy and full communication to follow automatically but as you said, these things take time. So I took the backdoor route via the emails - I still kinda regret it but it probably was for the best.

[miss snoopy]

Often people who cheat or have affairs will protect their infidelity at all costs, and they will also try to maintain there current relationship.

 

Hi Rooster, I agree with this. And we both had good grounds for our detective work. My ex was having, in my opinion, an ongoing emotional relationship with his ex, who clearly was, and may still be under the impression that they're on a break not a break-up (see above post for details) And I feel this relationship was detrimental to our developing one. So if snooping speeds up the eventual demise of an unhealthy relationship, then why not?

[lindya]

Hi Lindya - some very good points raised!

 

I think I just got a weird feeling in this relationship, mainly around the ex. Just the way he talked about her when he did. Then one day, he told me things weren't working and he wanted to end it, completly out of the blue. We did get back together and then he accidentally left his email account open one evening, and that's when the snooping started. I think I wanted to know why he ended it, it just semed so out of the blue.

 

That's interesting. I had a look at the thread you linked us to, and noticed these comments:

 

Well.. from e-snooping I have found out exactly why he left. He told a friend that I was mentally unbalanced and he couldn't cope any more, and told another that I switched from being the loveliest, coolest, greatest person to being a psycho and that's why he fled.

 

Wonder what people think - most break ups here are brought on by someone needing space, another woman/man etc but I don't recall seeing any examples of this - breaking up because one partner percieves the other as prone to insanity. Of course I can justify everything I've done or said but so can everyone who does something wrong, justifying it is no good if others see you in a negative way.

 

We all have specific personality traits. If someone wants to attack or criticise us under some veil of pseudo-psychiatry, then they can claim that our particular traits are extreme enough to fall under the "mentally unbalanced" umbrella. Ultimately, though, unless you're under the care of - or have been referred to - psychiatric services, then his comments are meaningless.

 

You're right, though. If someone has determined that they're going to view you in a particular light, there's little you can do about it. Of course the temptation is to justify your actions and defend yourself...but what you have to focus on is the single fact that that person no longer wants to be with you. Even if you can disprove absolutely every unfair, destructive thing they say about you, they're still not going to want the relationship.

 

That aside, it sounds as though he has made some extremely hurtful comments about you...and basing your response purely on the posts you've made here, I think you're handling that with grace and dignity. It's one thing for him to criticise you for snooping behaviour, but for him to attribute that to a psychiatric condition is completely out of order. If he's prone to making unqualified diagnoses (I'm assuming here that he isn't a psychiatrist) about other people's mental health, then I can well understand why you felt insecure in that relationship.

[miss snoopy]

Thanks again, Lindya. The thing is, he is totally unaware about my snooping and I think that didn't help! So he had no idea where my "paranoia" regarding the ex came from, and the source of so many other "odd" questions I threw in every now and again. The annoying thing is I ended things myself after we got back together as I felt the relationship was unsalvageable - this was our 3rd go, this time instigated by him.

 

Maybe I should have come clean about the snooping and given him a chance to know where my paranoia came from? If we end up speaking again, I think I'll 'fess up. He really has no business labelling me as he did - you're absolutely right. To think that after all those months, this is how he thinks of me?!

[tinktronik]

I think that snooping by an ex is pretty creepy . In a relationship , eh' really nosy , but not too bad.

I found out years after I had divorced my ex he was still going through my email , his wife told me of all people .Apparently it drove her nuts that he was checking my email and she asked if I could change my password. It just struck me as creepy , and well really wierd .

[lindya]

Thanks again, Lindya. The thing is, he is totally unaware about my snooping and I think that didn't help! So he had no idea where my "paranoia" regarding the ex came from, and the source of so many other "odd" questions I threw in every now and again. The annoying thing is I ended things myself after we got back together as I felt the relationship was unsalvageable - this was our 3rd go, this time instigated by him.

 

Maybe I should have come clean about the snooping and given him a chance to know where my paranoia came from? If we end up speaking again, I think I'll 'fess up. He really has no business labelling me as he did - you're absolutely right. To think that after all those months, this is how he thinks of me?!

 

The thing is that if this guy is intent on labelling you in all kinds of negative ways, he's going to do it whether or not there's any good reason for him to do so. Tell him about the snooping, and he might just go off and do a google search on "snooping" and "mental illness" to see what new label he can come up with.

 

How much it would really serve your interests to disclose any further information to him.? Will it foster more understanding and amicability between you, or might it just result in him firing off more critical emails about you to other people?

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

I don't agree that what you don't know doesn't hurt you. Often the pain is just delayed until that time whatever secrets are being hidden from you come out (and whether or not you want them to, they generally do eventually come out).

 

Ditto! In college, my boyfriend and I shared a computer and Microsoft Outlook Email Program. At the time, I used mail.com, and one day I was looking for an old email from them for a password or something. I happened to stumble upon an email from my guy's ex. It had a check mark next to it, which meant he replied. Naturally I was curious because he hadn't mentioned anything about receiving an email from her. His reply had been deleted. That made me even more curious, so I confronted him about it. He vehemently denied sending her an email. Once he understood that computers don't lie, he confessed to emailing her. He was hoping to hook it up with her for a little side action. He swears, though, that he backed out of it because he felt too guilty. Was he telling the truth? Who knows!

 

Anyway, Lindya's right- the secrets will come out sooner or later! The sooner, the better!

[miss snoopy]

The thing is that if this guy is intent on labelling you in all kinds of negative ways, he's going to do it whether or not there's any good reason for him to do so. Tell him about the snooping, and he might just go off and do a google search on "snooping" and "mental illness" to see what new label he can come up with.

 

How much it would really serve your interests to disclose any further information to him.? Will it foster more understanding and amicability between you, or might it just result in him firing off more critical emails about you to other people?

 

True, but I don't think he's labelling me just because he's a nasty person. I think of an email I once sent my sister about my brother, I was really angry with him then and if he ever reads the contents I don't think he'll ever speak to me again. I have had people say not very nice things about me which have somehow come back to me and I can't continue blaming everyone else for seeing me in a negative light a lot of the time - my ex for e.g. had an email from his parents during this recent reconciliation where it was obvious from what they said about me that he had been happily telling them about us getting back together. Ditto his excited emails to his mates telling them how great I was and how happy we were. Then whoosh, one evening, everything unravels. Story of my life. If this was the first time it happened, I'd blame him but it isn't. Why would anyone want to end something that's going so well? I must have scared the sh*t otta him.

 

Thanks for your posts Lindya, they are really helpful. I'm not making excuses for him, but I do know he holds his ex on a pedestal of sorts even though he left her, and reading through her emails to him, I can see why. I almost cringe at some of the stuff she writes, but then I've never been one to be generous with my affections in a relationship. And it's a truism that one gets what one gives. One can only learn...

 

Thanks oh what am i doing and tinktronik for your contributions too!