She's making me crazy and I love it

[joriel]

Hey LSers, any thoughts you have on this would be appreciated.

 

I got out of an almost 2 year and somewhat LDR just about 2 months ago and all things considered, I've been healing up pretty well. A few weeks ago I met this girl that recently entered the same grad school program that I'm in and has started hanging out with my friends.

 

The night I met her we flirted but kept everything light. About a week later we were all out and she told me that she had just been dumped. She had been in a 2 year relationship but then she moved across country for grad school (at least 5 years) and I guess that's just rough. That night we flirted quite a bit, danced a lot and when I left she kissed me on the cheek.

 

Monday we went out again and we flirted quite a bit and as usual there was a fair bit of touching (but in a playful way). We rode in the backseat on the way home and she kept intentionally brushing my hand with hers. At one point I said something about flexibility and she asked me about my preferred sexual position.

 

When we see each other around the building I would say that we're friendly and we flirt a bit but nothing ridiculous. The other day she friended me on myspace (I know, cringe!) and when I checked her page I noticed that her status was still listed as "in a relationship" so I'm assuming that she and the bf patched things up.

 

Last night we all went out and as usual there was A LOT of flirting and suggestive activity. Ordinarily when we do shots, we just do them but she insisted that we lick each others hands for tequila shots and the like. We danced particularly close and I definitely caught her looking at me a few times when I was with other people. At one point when we were dancing she said in a flirty way, "Where did you come from?" Throughout the night she kept kissing my cheek and moving very close to the lip region.

 

When I got home I texted her to make sure that she got home safely and she texted back that she had. Then I said, "Okay then, later player". She responded with, "Player, no! Just a fool in love."

 

So I guess what I'm asking here is what's going on? I mean, I'm loving the flirting and all and I'm not really looking for a relationship but, I need to have a gameplan. I'm assuming that she's still with her boyfriend but I'm not entirely sure and I feel a little weird asking. On the other hand, I'm guessing that if after a few months her LDR is already on the rocks, it's more than likely that it won't be too long before it's really over (that sounds awful, I know). In any case, what should I do?

[magichands]

In any case, what should I do?

Leave her alone, that's what!

[joriel]

Magichands: Can you explain where you're coming from when you say to leave her alone? Am I unknowingly being a jerk here or is it something about her?

 

To be honest, I've never initiated anything more than regular conversation with her. I respect that she might still be in a relationship and even if it ends I wouldn't want to be around to be the rebound guy. But seriously, she's smart, attractive, has a killer smile, and makes me laugh...sometimes we're flirting before I realize it.

[magichands]

You're not being a jerk. Sorry if I implied that.

 

Here's my advice. Her "status" is unclear. Until her status is clear, leave her alone. Or at the very least ask her what her status is, before proceeding. The answer may be illuminating.

 

Once again, sorry for any confusion.

[joriel]

thanks for the clarification. it always gets me that it takes someone else to point out the obvious course of action.

 

i should probably just man up and ask her. now to do it in a playful and nonthreatening manner...i don't want it to seem accusatory as she hasn't done anything wrong...any thoughts on that?

[bella_girl]

hey joriel, you're doing well! that's cool that you've met someone - she sounds nice, fun. I'm glad you're getting over your ex too she didn't seem to know what she wanted. Full steam ahead my friend.

 

Anyway my advice would be - I bet she hasn't changed/updated her myspace thing as she has probably forgotten.

 

If you are unclear about her status I'd ask her... maybe along the lines of 'hey so how often do you update your myspace? as I noticed you have as being in a relationship and I'm just curious about that.' No judging, no hassling, just a quick point of clarification and move on. If she says 'oh no I'm single I just haven't changed it/forgot/didn't want to be hassled by guys I don't know wanting to be friends etc' then you say 'ok cool' and change the topic of conversation don't hassle her or go into depth about it.

 

Or alternatively you could do it in a teasing manner... such as 'sooooo I see from your myspace that you're in a relationship is there something you forgot to tell me, I only met you a couple days ago wink wink its moving a bit fast isn't it'.

 

This tactic would imply that a) you've read her space, interested in what she has to say b) highlight that you like her and may have a future c) humourous and lighthearted you're not accusing you're teasing...

 

In terms of game plan.. I reckon keep dating, see how it goes, take it slowly, enjoy having fun and then in a few weeks time work out where you want this relationship to go... too many people miss the dating stage.

 

By the way from everything you've said I think she def likes you.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

IF you are not looking for a girlfriend and/or a romantic relationship, at the moment, don't lead her on.

 

Reflect upon, the nature and course of her, current lifestyle and love life.

 

She is dwelling in an uncertain medium. She, is like, a soda bottle. It looks delicious on the outside. The shape, and texture of the drink is satisfying. You can feel your mouth water.

 

Once you open, the bottle -it starts to fizz. The air bubbles, rise to the top and escape through the nearest opening. The release of the gas, brings with it a sizzling sound.

 

The entire reaction is very spontanous. It is thrilling, and active in scope.

 

The point is that she is, behaving, in the same manner as the above example [i.e. bubbles].

 

IF you unfold a game, it will backfire. You don't want to take advantage of the moment for what it is.

 

Allow her to figure things out with her boyfriend. In the meantime, be a supportive friend.

 

Ending: Back Away. And, don't do something pathetic/dumb.

 

Good luck,

Sand&Water

[joriel]

Bella_Girl: Hey there. Thanks for the advice. You're right, I'm fortunate enough to be doing very well with respect to the ex. I don't know why but the whole, "keep dating...too many people miss the dating stage" comment kind of took to me. You're so right, I'll have to keep this in mind.

 

S&W: Interesting points. I don't think I would say that I'm leading her on though. No, I'm not out looking to jump back into a relationship but hey, if the cards fall that way, I wouldn't say no. It's interesting that your take on the situation is one where I'm taking advantage of a weak and out-of-control moment. I sure hope that's not the case...I definitately don't think I'm doing that actually. Hell, we just met and so our friendship is growing but I'd be lying if I said her flirtatiousness wasn't extremely attractive. I'll definitely be more cognizant of what I say and do from here on out though.

 

As an aside, last night in a convo over msn I told her that she was dangerous. She flirted with the idea for a bit until she told me that I'm not exactly innocent. I agreed but told her she didn't know the half of it. She was amused and then pointed out that anyone that could look that good in my Halloween costume had to be trouble...

 

I know that I want to step back from this and I'm going to, but damn, it's just so much fun...

[bella_girl]

Hi Joriel, yeah I LOVE the dating stage but my flatmate seems to have missed it yet again - her and the new BF have been together about 3 weeks and are already sitting on the couch for an evening watching tv.. I mean that's ok but yawn at the start of a relationship. They should be out going to dinner, movies, checking out art galleries, doing silly things like mini golf or whatever together..

 

I say she absolutely likes you by that flirting... If you want to pull back a bit I think you're going to need to do it in a subtle manner - if you say to her this is moving a bit fast she might be a bit hurt and disheartened. I think you should maybe say 'I've got some really busy days coming up so I might not be on messenger so much, just letting you know so you don't think I've disappeared on you.' That would keep me quite happy.

 

And/or do some stuff with groups of people then it's not so intense just you and her.

 

Also the sooner you get clarity over her status the easier it will be for you to work out where you stand!

[joriel]

UPDATE

 

As usual the advice I got here from other LSers was spot on. I took your advice and I'm glad I did. Stepping back from the situation was extremely illuminating.

 

Over the last few weeks as we've hung out with our group of friends I've gotten to know her a bit better and I think I might have a better handle on her "status" than she does. I've even had the opportunity to hang out with the "sometimes ex", as he came up "as a friend" for the thanksgiving holidays.

 

The long and short of it is that she knows that the relationship isn't healthy and won't last, as long as they remain so far apart geographically. Moreover, she doesn't want him to move out here (as previously planned), so essentially she wants to end it but isn't sure. For a couple weeks there they did the on again off again thing and I doubt that this time they've made a clean break either.

 

Furthermore, it seems as if she hasn't really been single in at least 4 years (she jumped from a previous relationship directly into her last one) and isn't entirely sure how to be single. So recently I think she's been hanging out with another friend of ours and although she told me that they're not together (about 2 weeks ago), their actions (sleeping over every night, etc.) seem to say otherwise.

 

Frankly speaking while I'm a little annoyed by this I'm also glad that I'm not the guy who's lap she jumped into right after breaking up with a man she thought she could spend the rest of her life with. I'm not saying that it's a rebound (since this seems like her normal behavior) but something about it seems unsavory. And honestly, I don't believe that friends with benefits ever works long term.

 

So, here I am, still having fun and enjoying the company of my friends. I can't say that I wish these two the best of luck together but I can say that I'm avoiding a hell of a lot of unnecessary drama.