KittenMoon Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 I feel like a totally pathetic loser because right now I'm crying like it's the first day all over again, complete with the same headache I actually had. I went to the grocery store today, pulled into park where I always park, and literally pulled right next to a car that after a moment I realized was probably my ex's (took me a moment because it's a new car I had only seen it once from a distance, but I put two and two together when I saw the license plate). I pulled over a couple more rows, then got out to peek in an see if it was his car (I didn't want to go into the store if he was there). Good thing I was paying attention, because I caught sight of him and his cvnt friend walking down the row (at which point I scampered back to my car to hide). But my heart broke because he was with her, the stupid witch of a girl whose needy attention whore friendship was a MASSIVE thorn in my side in the last few months of our relationship. The witch even drive his car out of the parking lot (most likely cause my ex has a tendency to buy food and be completely unable to wait until he got home to start stuffing his face). This hurts even more because two weeks ago he emailed me and said the following: "I feel like I have so much to say and tell you but I have nothing in particular. I hope you are growing. I also want to say that I realized that what happened between us was really my fault." When I got that, I forgave him a little, because it was the first time he acknowledged in any way that there were not only problems, but problems that did indeed have a fault from any side (at the time, he was literally the only person who refused to see this). But now I feel like he hasn't gotten it at all. He's still hanging with her like their bestest friends, so obviously, whatever problems were his fault he perceives, were not the problems I hoped he had seen. -------- I've been trying SO hard to finally disentangle my emotions. My therapist has noted a lot of progress very recently. She's even surprised me at our last session when she got a bit miffed because she thinks my ex is somehow clinging to me emotionally, with his emails that in her words come like "clockwork" and his continued offers to return some stuff and then never do it, only to offer again later down the road. This of course, pisses me off, but I'm trying to think outside it all, put the final nails in the coffin of "us" with or without any real finality on his end. In other words- **** whatever BS he's pulling, I'm ready to be done and healed completely on my end. And I thought I had been doing so well... yet this reduced me to a blubbering, sobbing, smeared mascara mess. So, I guess other than this being a really pointless vent, I'd just like a little support. Advice isn't needed- my emotions are just vastly overwhelming my logic today (PMS isn't helping either). It's been very difficult after 5 months of never seeing hide nor hair of him in our shared neighborhood, this the second time in a month we've damn near tripped over each other. Ok, Ok. End vent. Sorry for the length. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 It's always darkest before the dawn. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t103470/ Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 , the stupid witch of a girl whose needy attention whore friendship was a MASSIVE thorn in my side in the last few months of our relationship. Get over her, already. Sh*t, that sounded a bit like advice. Sorry. I feel your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 Get over her, already. Sh*t, that sounded a bit like advice. Sorry. I feel your pain. Look- can you really try not to be a jerk for a few minutes? I really am in pain here, and it doesn't help to get BS like this. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Look- can you really try not to be a jerk for a few minutes? I really am in pain here, and it doesn't help to get BS like this. I can tell how badly you want your ex back. Hey - I would run until I died if it would bring them back to me. (Of course, then I'd be dead...but.) You're still analysing this to death. As if you will suddenly have a "Eureka!" moment and you'll have clarity. I can tell you that years of analysis ain't going to make no difference. Or, more accurately, not a difference that has any meaning. Well, who knows. Maybe he will come back to you. But obsessing over him every second isn't going to either help nor hinder things. Okay, it might actually hinder things. Mine most definitely will not be coming back. Maybe that makes a difference, but I can tell you I want them back every bit as much as you - or anyone on this planet for that matter. I have accepted that they are much better off without me, though. That's sort of a happy ending. You're still standing, and that's a great thing. And you can express your feelings - another great thing. I'm still a jerk...deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 I can tell how badly you want your ex back. Hey - I would run until I died if it would bring them back to me. (Of course, then I'd be dead...but.) You're still analysing this to death. As if you will suddenly have a "Eureka!" moment and you'll have clarity. I can tell you that years of analysis ain't going to make no difference. Well, who knows. Maybe he will come back to you. But obsessing over him every second isn't going to either help nor hinder things. Okay, it might actually hinder things. Mine most definitely will not be coming back. Maybe that makes a difference, but I can tell you I want them back every bit as much as you - or anyone on this planet for that matter. I have accepted that they are much better off without me, though. That's sort of a happy ending. You're still standing, and that's a great thing. And you can express your feelings - another great thing. I'm still a jerk...deal with it. No- what I want at this point is to be over him. Done. Moved on. He's no longer the person I knew. So I don't understand why I still have moments like this when I am so ready to just be over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Jane Doe Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Kitten, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. There's not many things in life that hurt more than seeing someone you still care about with someone else. You're doing the right thing (and the smart thing!) by getting some counseling over this. Continue with it. You're making strides whether or not you realize it. Look on the bright side; you maintained your composure and didn't run over to them and cause a scene. Imagine how crappy you'd be feeling right now if you did something like that? Men are clueless sometimes. Even when they do get it, they often pretend they don't because they don't want to acknowledge that they're failed. It's "unmanly" to fail in their eyes so they just ignore the truth and move on. You'd be wise to ignore his emails or phone calls. Give yourself time to heal and keep yourself as busy as humanly possible so you won't be lamenting over this. (((((BIG HUGS))))) Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 No- what I want at this point is to be over him. No. Everything you write screams that you want him back. Deny it all you want. Letting him go is easy when you don't care. Your "problem" - if it is one - is that you still do...very much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 There's not many things in life that hurt more than seeing someone you still care about with someone else. They're not together romantically, just to clarify. Though I don't know if this makes it better or worse... Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 And why does he have to admit that he's wrong? Explain that one to me. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 i hope you feel better soon KM Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 No. Everything you write screams that you want him back. Deny it all you want. Letting him go is easy when you don't care. Your "problem" - if it is one - is that you still do...very much. Actually, no. I do not. I'll admit I'd like a love like we shared, and I do miss that everyday, but my stomach turns at the idea of getting him back because deep down inside I know he won't change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 And why does he have to admit that he's wrong? Explain that one to me. He doesn't. He volunteered this. I was pretty much floored when I saw it. I do admit I'm curious now about what he thinks was what he did wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Actually, no. I do not. I'll admit I'd like a love like we shared, and I do miss that everyday, Me too. but my stomach turns at the idea of getting him back because deep down inside I know he won't change. People change all the time. Maybe it's you that needs to change. I'm just saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 Maybe it's you that needs to change. I'm just saying. Change what? I've changed so much sometimes I feel like I dont' even know myself anymore. Heck, even people who have known me for years look at me like they barely recognize me sometimes. What I do know is I treated him like a prince, and got less and less and less in return. I treated this girl like a friend, and got screwed anyways. I've made a vow to walk away from any sort of personal relationship that doesn't return what I put into it, and I've kept that promise. And yet, there's like this one thing in me I still can't break. It literally feels like one, single aspect. And it's tied to him but it's not him 100%. And its pissing me off, let me tell you, because it's the thing that reduces me to tears... Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 And yet, there's like this one thing in me I still can't break. It literally feels like one, single aspect. And it's tied to him but it's not him 100%. And its pissing me off, let me tell you, because it's the thing that reduces me to tears... You just want someone to cuddle in bed. And you're not the only one to feel like that. I think if you had someone else to think about, that he would be a poof. I mean, like gone from your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 You just want someone to cuddle in bed. And you're not the only one to feel like that. I think if you had someone else to think about, that he would be a poof. I mean, like gone from your mind. Maybe, but I gotta find one of those first. Even that guy who asked me out, who's way better looking, smarter, and cooler than 95% of guys who go for me.... well, I guess I can't even pretend I feel anything towards him. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 well, I guess I can't even pretend I feel anything towards him. Where are those feelings, then? I mean, mine are still with my ex. And I've already told you that I do want my ex back. But you said you didn't. Are you comparing? I assume that you would have sex with the ex - if the opportunity presented itself. Do you still, at least, fancy him?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 This maybe off topic a bit, but last night I had a dream we got back together. Let me just say that everytime I have one of these dreams, I am actually near panic in the dream because i suddenly feel like I don't WANT him back. Same feeling last night. But it was extra weird because he got in a fight with his roomie over me. The roomie was defending me for some reason, basically telling him to treat me right. It actually ended up in a fist fight, and I remember wiping blood from my ex's nose and basically begging him never to get into a fight again, even as in my head, I remember thinking this wasn't going to work, no matter what his roomie said to him. But maybe this is a stupid dream... especially since his roomie is probably one of the most apathetic people I've ever met. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 Where are those feelings, then? Excellent question... no damn idea. I assume that you would have sex with the ex - if the opportunity presented itself. Do you still, at least, fancy him?? Actually, I can say 100% without a second thought that no, I wouldn't. I feel little to no "sexual" attraction specifically towards him. That's something that actually adds to the strangeness. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 This maybe off topic a bit, but last night I had a dream we got back together. Well...knock me over with a feather. You need to get in touch with your subconscious. It must be the bit that wants to get back with him. Tell your "inner self" not to be such a slut. Let me just say that everytime I have one of these dreams, I am actually near panic in the dream because i suddenly feel like I don't WANT him back. You're just reluctant to open your heart to him again. But you secretly want to do naughty things to him over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KittenMoon Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 You need to get in touch with your subconscious. It must be the bit that wants to get back with him. Tell your "inner self" not to be such a slut. Actually, my inner slut has been slutting around with just about every other guy but him.... which unfortunately leaves me feeling like most mornings I wanna jump anything that moves slow enough. Like I said, sexual feelings towards him are strangely MIA. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Well, what about ceasing the contact. I mean, if you happen to run into him either ignore him, or keep the conversation to "get out of my way you stupid f*cker" or something minimal like that. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Like I said, sexual feelings towards him are strangely MIA. But didn't you say that sexual feelings for ANYONE are MIA?? Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 I just wanted to say that I am sorry that seeing your ex triggered such a huge reaction out of you. I hope you can feel better soon - and if pms has a part in it, I reckon you will feel much better very soon. Could you point me to any thread where you talked about this girl who is hanging out with him?I'd like to undestand the situation better. If she partly caused your breakup, or even caused issues in your relationship, I think I can understand how you feel since I went through something similar. It sucks. And it hurts. Until you realize, with time, and once you are at least partly healed, that you were really giving too much importance or power over you to people who are not worth it. Oh, and the "I hope you are growing" part of his email is offensive. Link to post Share on other sites
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