Falling out of love

[noname]

Ok here is my story....me and my bf dated on and off for 2 years in a long distance relationship. Things were good for the first 9 months and then I became too needy of him and he dumped me. I cried until I thought I would die.When I finally got over him, he wanted to come back. Of course I took him back. Then later on he had a death in his family and he became emotionally shutdown. He would not eat or talk o anyone.I tried to help him but he just wanted to be alone. He never wanted to come see me and it was like we never talked. Eventually we fell apart again. Then again he came back. Everything was ok again and then I started getting too demanding again. I would just tell him all types of things like he needs to be more outspoken, assertive and basically I was trying to mold him into the man I wanted. I wanted him to stop wearing baggy clothes and I wanted him to just "look" better. Well anyway he starting talking to another girl without telling me. At fist they were just friends but then I guess they started liking each other. I guess he found something in her that I didn't have. Anyway I confronted him and he told me that he was tired of all my nagging and complaining and that it was over for good. He told me he would never ask me back. I cried and cried and cried. It's like I was still so attached to him

 

HERE IS THE PROBLEM.....

 

The last time he broke up with me I vowed that I would never go back because it hurts so much when we break up... Well time passed and I got another boyfriend. the new guy was very attractive and I never had a comment on his physical apperance. He was very friendly and outgoing also..... GUeSS WHAT......my old bf came back in the pic. He would just show up at my house all the time and keep me on the phone all he time. He cried and begged and even starting talking to my mom. One day he showed up in my town and asked me to marry him. He gave me a 2 carat gold ring that he would not take back. I said no no no and he begged me. At first I was mad because its like he can come and go whenever he pleases. 3 months passed and we had patched things up by just being friends. We had spent time with each other without sex and everything was great. I agreed to get married. Its scheduled for October of this year.

 

PROBLEM:

 

OK as you can see he hasbroken up with me several times but this time things are diffrent. We have been back together since September and it's driving me crazy because he does EVERYTHING I ask of him and more. Sometimes I have to make up excuses to get off the phone with him and he wants to talk ALL the time even though I am in graduate school and I have a job. He is just so dedicated to me that it kinda scares me. He always want to know what I am doing and how my day is. Sometimes we have nothing to talk about but he will stay on the phone for hours talking about nothing at all. I AM TOO BUSY FOR THAT. HE KNOWS I HAVE SOOO MUCH WORK TO DO AND MY SCHOOL WORK IS FIRST IN MY LIFE. Another thing is that when he knows I am on the phone with a friend he will ask me why I can talk to them and not him. It has come to the point that he actually gets on my nerves. Sometimes I feel that I just don't love him anymore and then sometimes I love him for being there when I need him. Then there is the physical aspect of our relationship. I weigh about 40 pounds more than him. He keeeps telling me that I look fine but I feel kinda stupid being together because he is thin and I am on the hefty side. I don't feel secure and protected when we are together. I always pictured myself with a manly man. Instead I have a man who my 10 year old nephew is more masculine than. Really I could get over the size issue but it just seems that I don't have any love for him anymore. When he didn't want me I was ready to die over it but now that he wants me I feel smothered. I feel like I may be making a huge istake if I marry him. I am 21 years old and I am so confused. My parents have alrady spent alot of money on this wedding and my family love him. Its like I would feel guilty if I didn't go through with it. And futhermore I know that he would beg me not to do it. I AM SCARED OF WHAT PEOPLE WILL SAY AND HOW MY PARENTS WILL REACT IF I CALL IT OFF. i'M SCARED BUT I JUST WANT TO BE SINGLE. I WANTTO ENJOY HANGING WITH MY FRIENDS NOT HAVING TO "REPORT" TO SOMEONE

 

PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE ON MY SITUATION.

 

HAVE ANYONE EVER CALLED OFF A WEDDING? WHAT HAPPENED?

[anonymous]

Unless this guy is extremely wealthy, there's no way he gave you a 2 carat diamond. Either you're exaggerating its size or you got a nice big cubic zirconia instead. to put it into perspective, Faith Hill's is 3 carats and you know she and Timmy got the bucks goin on.

 

Your too young to get married as you know. why are you letting this guy rook you into something you're not ready for? Seems like he just came back and proposed coz he found out you had moved on and had found someone else. A s***ty reason to propose to someone. sit down and talk with your parents about how you feel. i am sure they would rather have to call off a wedding then have to watch you miserable and going through a divorce later on.

Ok here is my story....me and my bf dated on and off for 2 years in a long distance relationship. Things were good for the first 9 months and then I became too needy of him and he dumped me. I cried until I thought I would die.When I finally got over him, he wanted to come back. Of course I took him back. Then later on he had a death in his family and he became emotionally shutdown. He would not eat or talk o anyone.I tried to help him but he just wanted to be alone. He never wanted to come see me and it was like we never talked. Eventually we fell apart again. Then again he came back. Everything was ok again and then I started getting too demanding again. I would just tell him all types of things like he needs to be more outspoken, assertive and basically I was trying to mold him into the man I wanted. I wanted him to stop wearing baggy clothes and I wanted him to just "look" better. Well anyway he starting talking to another girl without telling me. At fist they were just friends but then I guess they started liking each other. I guess he found something in her that I didn't have. Anyway I confronted him and he told me that he was tired of all my nagging and complaining and that it was over for good. He told me he would never ask me back. I cried and cried and cried. It's like I was still so attached to him HERE IS THE PROBLEM..... The last time he broke up with me I vowed that I would never go back because it hurts so much when we break up... Well time passed and I got another boyfriend. the new guy was very attractive and I never had a comment on his physical apperance. He was very friendly and outgoing also..... GUeSS WHAT......my old bf came back in the pic. He would just show up at my house all the time and keep me on the phone all he time. He cried and begged and even starting talking to my mom. One day he showed up in my town and asked me to marry him. He gave me a 2 carat gold ring that he would not take back. I said no no no and he begged me. At first I was mad because its like he can come and go whenever he pleases. 3 months passed and we had patched things up by just being friends. We had spent time with each other without sex and everything was great. I agreed to get married. Its scheduled for October of this year.

 

PROBLEM: OK as you can see he hasbroken up with me several times but this time things are diffrent. We have been back together since September and it's driving me crazy because he does EVERYTHING I ask of him and more. Sometimes I have to make up excuses to get off the phone with him and he wants to talk ALL the time even though I am in graduate school and I have a job. He is just so dedicated to me that it kinda scares me. He always want to know what I am doing and how my day is. Sometimes we have nothing to talk about but he will stay on the phone for hours talking about nothing at all. I AM TOO BUSY FOR THAT. HE KNOWS I HAVE SOOO MUCH WORK TO DO AND MY SCHOOL WORK IS FIRST IN MY LIFE. Another thing is that when he knows I am on the phone with a friend he will ask me why I can talk to them and not him. It has come to the point that he actually gets on my nerves. Sometimes I feel that I just don't love him anymore and then sometimes I love him for being there when I need him. Then there is the physical aspect of our relationship. I weigh about 40 pounds more than him. He keeeps telling me that I look fine but I feel kinda stupid being together because he is thin and I am on the hefty side. I don't feel secure and protected when we are together. I always pictured myself with a manly man. Instead I have a man who my 10 year old nephew is more masculine than. Really I could get over the size issue but it just seems that I don't have any love for him anymore. When he didn't want me I was ready to die over it but now that he wants me I feel smothered. I feel like I may be making a huge istake if I marry him. I am 21 years old and I am so confused. My parents have alrady spent alot of money on this wedding and my family love him. Its like I would feel guilty if I didn't go through with it. And futhermore I know that he would beg me not to do it. I AM SCARED OF WHAT PEOPLE WILL SAY AND HOW MY PARENTS WILL REACT IF I CALL IT OFF. i'M SCARED BUT I JUST WANT TO BE SINGLE. I WANTTO ENJOY HANGING WITH MY FRIENDS NOT HAVING TO "REPORT" TO SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE ON MY SITUATION. HAVE ANYONE EVER CALLED OFF A WEDDING? WHAT HAPPENED?

[Rachel]

I've been where you are.... afraid to call a wedding off. There are just tooooooooo many red flags here. I really think you need to realize that some considerable pain here during and after the breakup is better than a whole LOT OF Pain even more than what you can imagine later.

 

Basically in no way, does it seem like this man is "the-man-of-your dreams", is he?

 

Is he the picture you had in your head for the father of your children?

 

I think calling off a wedding is nothing more than a small bump in a road, no matter how much money your parents have spend. basically you can offer to pay them back, can't you? Then you won't feel like you owe them.

 

Listen, yours and your parents' friends and family will all be sad and surprised for a few minutes..... but their life doesn't revolve around yours and it will be OLD new after a few minutes.

 

Go talk to a counseler. I think he can set things straight for you....

 

AND FOR HEAVENS SAKE: TALK TO YOU PARENTS. Let them know within the next two weeks you will be doing some serious sould searching and you may call the wedding off.

 

Listen, you are your parents' baby, arent' you? I bet they already know how you really feel. the fact that they love him, has nothing to do with whether they want you to be happy or not. Of course they will be disappointed to lost this nice boy who they were welcoming into their family, but its better than the hate they will feel when he is the HUSBAND that is making their daughter, miserable.

 

Good luck,and keep us posted, OK?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unless this guy is extremely wealthy, there's no way he gave you a 2 carat diamond. Either you're exaggerating its size or you got a nice big cubic zirconia instead. to put it into perspective, Faith Hill's is 3 carats and you know she and Timmy got the bucks goin on. Your too young to get married as you know. why are you letting this guy rook you into something you're not ready for? Seems like he just came back and proposed coz he found out you had moved on and had found someone else. A s***ty reason to propose to someone. sit down and talk with your parents about how you feel. i am sure they would rather have to call off a wedding then have to watch you miserable and going through a divorce later on.

[midori]

21 years old is young to be getting married in the best circumstances. And as you know, these are not the best circumstances. Your on-again/off-again relationship (which must have started when you were a teenager) has shown no sign of transformation, so it seems all too likely that the pattern will continue. Right now you're resisting your bf a bit, you're not depending on him the way you once did, you've got other things in your life that take precedence over him. So he's clinging and demanding himself. But the minute you become reliant on him, 10 to 1 he'd become evasive and uncommunicative again.

 

You say he's getting on your nerves. Do you think that somehow a wedding ceremony will magically change that? In one of your relationship's earlier incarnations you were pressuring him to change his clothes, his habits, etc. For his own good, I'm sure -- isn't that what you would say? That's a very dangerous attitude. If the only way you can tolerate being with someone is to give them a make-over, you're not in the right relationship. If you've got criteria for what you need/want in a man, and your current guy isn't fitting the bill, then you need to decide whether your criteria are deal-breakers or if you can let go of them -- because getting him to conform to them isn't an option. Why on earth should you imagine that your perspective, taste & opinions are inarguably correct and superior to another person's -- especially when the topic at hand is that person's clothes or habits?

 

The poster above pointed out that your parents would probably prefer to lose some money on wedding preparations they've made than to go through the mess of divorce with you a few years from now. Talk to them about your doubts. The simple truth is that you're far too young to be contemplating a life-long commitment. The fact that you think you can/should change someone to fit your expectations is clear evidence of this. This isn't surprising -- you're 21 for heaven's sake! Your instinct that you should be out dating and growing and learning about yourself and life and love sounds right to me. The fact that you're grinding your teeth whenever your boyfriend calls is a cue that you're right to pay attention to.

 

Your bf might cry. He might blame you. He might say unpleasant things and make things difficult for you. Would you rather go through some uncomfortable months as you extricate yourself from this, or live through unpleasant years of being married to someone you don't love? You know it's not working. You've got to have the courage to say so. End it with him, and then cut all ties with him for a good long while. Otherwise you two will just continue the cycle you've been trapped in.

[quankanne]

first off, you're the one going into a marriage with someone, not your family (well, at least not to the same extent as you). If you see there are problems, or feel uncomfortable about tying yourself down to this guy, believe me, it's much less expensive to call it off now and lose the deposit on the hall, the dress or what have you, than to try to fix a bad problem by marrying the guy, and end up divorcing him. There's no law that says you've got to marry this guy, and guilt shouldn't force your hand.

 

Chances are, your family loves him because they love YOU. If they do love him as much as you say, then you not marrying him is going to change that!

[Tony T]

If on the day of your wedding you do not feel that what you are doing is what you want to be doing more than anything else in the world and more than anything else in your life, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

 

With the way you feel now, I don't see how you can achieve that feeling at your wedding.

 

Tell your friends and family to marry the guy and take him off your hands!!!

 

Upsetting or disappointing others about cancelling your wedding will last a few days. A bad marriage can ruin your whole life under some circumstances.

[noone]

No seriously it is 2 carats. I went to Kay's to have it resized. The ring is way expensive and out of his budget. I asked him why he bought that and we were not even together and he said that he wanted to show me that he was serious this time. And to admit it he is serious. He has done nothing to make me mad.....its just that I feel like I am making a mistake. He is being too easy with me. He acts like I am his commander and everything I say is gold. I tried to give him the ring back and he would not accept it(when he first gave it to me). Even though I know I should call it off it's asier said than done

Unless this guy is extremely wealthy, there's no way he gave you a 2 carat diamond. Either you're exaggerating its size or you got a nice big cubic zirconia instead. to put it into perspective, Faith Hill's is 3 carats and you know she and Timmy got the bucks goin on. Your too young to get married as you know. why are you letting this guy rook you into something you're not ready for? Seems like he just came back and proposed coz he found out you had moved on and had found someone else. A s***ty reason to propose to someone. sit down and talk with your parents about how you feel. i am sure they would rather have to call off a wedding then have to watch you miserable and going through a divorce later on.

[noone]

No seriously it is 2 carats. I went to Kay's to have it resized. The ring is way expensive and out of his budget. I asked him why he bought that and we were not even together and he said that he wanted to show me that he was serious this time. And to admit it he is serious. He has done nothing to make me mad.....its just that I feel like I am making a mistake. He is being too easy with me. He acts like I am his commander and everything I say is gold. I tried to give him the ring back and he would not accept it(when he first gave it to me). Even though I know I should call it off it's easier said than done

[ok]

If you do not love him, don't marry him.

 

So he won't accept the ring back? tell him to take it back or you will sell it, then do it.

 

You have no obligation to him merely because he bought a big ring.

 

BTW, so the ring is out of his observable financial range.

 

maybe he was given money by a relative, maybe he stole the ring, maybe he's paying installments.

 

It really is not your problem.

 

His neediness, obsession with you does not equal love.

 

Love is a two-way thing. You don't find him attractive, you're only 21, and you can't communicate with him or your family very well about this.

 

Just end the engagement, everyone will understand.

[chris]

Girl, grow up

Ok here is my story....me and my bf dated on and off for 2 years in a long distance relationship. Things were good for the first 9 months and then I became too needy of him and he dumped me. I cried until I thought I would die.When I finally got over him, he wanted to come back. Of course I took him back. Then later on he had a death in his family and he became emotionally shutdown. He would not eat or talk o anyone.I tried to help him but he just wanted to be alone. He never wanted to come see me and it was like we never talked. Eventually we fell apart again. Then again he came back. Everything was ok again and then I started getting too demanding again. I would just tell him all types of things like he needs to be more outspoken, assertive and basically I was trying to mold him into the man I wanted. I wanted him to stop wearing baggy clothes and I wanted him to just "look" better. Well anyway he starting talking to another girl without telling me. At fist they were just friends but then I guess they started liking each other. I guess he found something in her that I didn't have. Anyway I confronted him and he told me that he was tired of all my nagging and complaining and that it was over for good. He told me he would never ask me back. I cried and cried and cried. It's like I was still so attached to him HERE IS THE PROBLEM..... The last time he broke up with me I vowed that I would never go back because it hurts so much when we break up... Well time passed and I got another boyfriend. the new guy was very attractive and I never had a comment on his physical apperance. He was very friendly and outgoing also..... GUeSS WHAT......my old bf came back in the pic. He would just show up at my house all the time and keep me on the phone all he time. He cried and begged and even starting talking to my mom. One day he showed up in my town and asked me to marry him. He gave me a 2 carat gold ring that he would not take back. I said no no no and he begged me. At first I was mad because its like he can come and go whenever he pleases. 3 months passed and we had patched things up by just being friends. We had spent time with each other without sex and everything was great. I agreed to get married. Its scheduled for October of this year.

 

PROBLEM: OK as you can see he hasbroken up with me several times but this time things are diffrent. We have been back together since September and it's driving me crazy because he does EVERYTHING I ask of him and more. Sometimes I have to make up excuses to get off the phone with him and he wants to talk ALL the time even though I am in graduate school and I have a job. He is just so dedicated to me that it kinda scares me. He always want to know what I am doing and how my day is. Sometimes we have nothing to talk about but he will stay on the phone for hours talking about nothing at all. I AM TOO BUSY FOR THAT. HE KNOWS I HAVE SOOO MUCH WORK TO DO AND MY SCHOOL WORK IS FIRST IN MY LIFE. Another thing is that when he knows I am on the phone with a friend he will ask me why I can talk to them and not him. It has come to the point that he actually gets on my nerves. Sometimes I feel that I just don't love him anymore and then sometimes I love him for being there when I need him. Then there is the physical aspect of our relationship. I weigh about 40 pounds more than him. He keeeps telling me that I look fine but I feel kinda stupid being together because he is thin and I am on the hefty side. I don't feel secure and protected when we are together. I always pictured myself with a manly man. Instead I have a man who my 10 year old nephew is more masculine than. Really I could get over the size issue but it just seems that I don't have any love for him anymore. When he didn't want me I was ready to die over it but now that he wants me I feel smothered. I feel like I may be making a huge istake if I marry him. I am 21 years old and I am so confused. My parents have alrady spent alot of money on this wedding and my family love him. Its like I would feel guilty if I didn't go through with it. And futhermore I know that he would beg me not to do it. I AM SCARED OF WHAT PEOPLE WILL SAY AND HOW MY PARENTS WILL REACT IF I CALL IT OFF. i'M SCARED BUT I JUST WANT TO BE SINGLE. I WANTTO ENJOY HANGING WITH MY FRIENDS NOT HAVING TO "REPORT" TO SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE ON MY SITUATION. HAVE ANYONE EVER CALLED OFF A WEDDING? WHAT HAPPENED?