I regret the day we split and now I want her back

[Guest]

My marriage split in Mid 2004 and I started dating again at the beginning of 2005. I met Susanna and she was very keen and although I did like her initially I wasn't too sure if I wanted to get involved with her long term. I suppose I thought I could do better and even found myself telling friends that I didn't expect it to be a long term thing. Anyway we started off well and she was great fun and things moved fast. After a few months though my "baggage" from my previous marriage began to crop up more and more and annoy her and she gave me a lot of stick for anything I said that bought up my marriage. We carried on although we did have a few disagreements we managed OK. I have a special needs child and Susanna was absolutely fantastic with her.

 

At the time I didn't realise how good I had it. She was so happy and in love with me. She talked about us getting a place together and making a long term commitment but it was too early for me and I think she was disappointed by this. Then one day she called me to tell me her mother had cancer. Obviously I was sympathetic and supportive but to her eyes I couldn't do enough. She started to become spiteful and derogatory towards me sometimes. Then her niece came over from the UK to visit her for a few weeks and I seemed to be getting somewhat pushed to one side although I don't believe she was doing anything purposely. (Funnily enough she broke up with her previous b/f a year or so earlier when the same niece visited her before: She is 45 her niece is 21) She seemed to want to show her a good time and we were out a lot and it didn’t mind too much although I suppose I wasn’t too worried at the time if our relationship lasted or not.

 

After 10 or so months we were still together and her niece was still here she started to become very worried about her mother’s illness and I gave her as much support as I could. One night I had arranged to see a close friend of mine who was going overseas for work for 5 yrs the next day. I asked her to come as she already new him but she refused and said that she was going out with her niece to a concert. I asked her just to come for one drink to say goodbye and then she could go on to her concert but she still refused. So we were both out that night and she texted me to tell me to say goodbye to my friend for her. I texted her back to say I would see her at home. I got back just after 1 am (not an out of the ordinary time although thinking back maybe I should have got back a bit earlier) to find her at home since 10pm. She said that she left the concert early and then started to take all her frustrations out on me in a really spiteful way (I had experienced this spite before).

 

Outbursts like “what time do you call this”, “you know my mother’s sick”, you’re a selfish bastard, You’ve been drinking. (I had 3 beers and she never ever had a problem with me going out until this time with this mate before). In hindsight I should have managed this behavior differently but in reality I just said “OK you’ve given me the excuse I needed to finish our relationship, I’m going. And left. Over the next 4 days neither of made contact until I finally relented from my stubbornness and called her. I found myself saying to her I was very sorry about what had happened but thought it better that we just stayed friends. She was upset but seemed to accept this as she had been a great mother figure to my daughter and didn’t see why that couldn’t continue. Anyhow we agreed to stay friends and we continued to see each other (platonically) in a family kind of way with me bringing my daughter along.

 

This worked well for maybe 6 months or so and I think we were both happy with the way things were. At the time my separation from my ex-wife was getting nasty and there was lots of bad stuff going on. Solicitors were involved with a financial split and the family home had been up for sale for 9 months and not selling. I was paying the mortgage myself and really struggling financially. The house finally sold and I was fortunate enough to have some good friends who helped me out with accommodation etc. Not least Susanna who was going to the UK to see her mum and asked me to house sit and look after her dog. I was very grateful and this arrangement worked very well. When she came back from O/S she told me she had made up her mind she was going to return to the UK in 2 years for good to be with her mother.

 

At the time I was a bit disappointed by this but no more than that. I was still looking for a place to buy so she said I could stay on until I found somewhere. Things went fine and we got on well and my daughter came to stay on my access nights. Susanna was always very supportive of her and I began to start thinking how silly I had been to throw our relationship away as I had done. My ideas and thoughts about her changed, my love for her returned much stronger than before and I started thinking how fantastic it would be to have her back. I started to think more and more about it until I spoke to her one night telling her I still loved her suggesting we try again.

 

I suppose I didn’t know what her reaction would be and was very disappointed when she refused saying she could not go back and the damage had been done. She mentioned the “baggage effect” and how that although she still loved me that her love was not as it had been before. I tried to tell her my marriage was history and things would be different but she wouldn’t listen. I offered her the commitment she had so craved for when were together but she said she was returning home in 2 years and no longer wanted that with me. One other thing that I haven’t yet mentioned is that our physical relationship had sometimes been difficult. This was down to me and I had been willing to seek medical help but we delayed that and I would say that our sex life was OK but could have been better due to my sometime “ED”.

 

She had always been understanding of this and I desperately wanted to get over the problem. MY GP had assured me that these things can happen when you change partner and it was “in the mind”. So she also mentioned this problem and I told her I would get help with it but she still refused to try again. I really struggled with this over the next 10 days or so and I’m afraid things became a little uncomfortable when we around each other. We both tried to pretend it hadn’t happened but we both knew there was something in the air. I spoke to my mother one night on the phone about this and she assured me to try again and be more confident and not give up so easily.

 

I thought about this and in the mean time I stumbled across her profile on the dating website we had both met on at the beginning. I admit I was browsing the site but when I came across her “I’m available” profile I was hurt and it rubbed salt into the wound. So the next night I told her I knew she was on the website and that it had hurt when I saw it. I tried to get my point across to her again but she still reacted the same as before. I now feel absolutely “Gutted” and want her back so badly. The most difficult thing is that I am still staying at her place until the end of the month and although we both do our best to “pretend” things are normal it is not easy. It also seems that recently she has been out a couple of times with a new man and it damn well hurts.

 

Am I clutching at straws to win her back?

 

I can’t stop this stuff going round and round in my head and it’s keeping me awake at night.

 

I love her and intend not to approach her again on the subject but just remain friends hoping that sometime in the future she may change her mind.

 

I will be moving out soon and I don’t think the day can come quick enough for both of us. I have ordered a huge bouquet of flowers from my daughter and I to tell her how grateful we are to her for looking after us.

 

The thing is that when she comes round to visit us at our new place from time to time I fear I will continue to want her back.

 

I have a recurring dream going round in my head that she will come around soon and want me back. I doubt if it will ever happen but I can’t let it go.

 

I’ve never experienced anything like this before in the way that at the beginning I was pretty casual about the whole thing. Then we split up for nine months, lived together as ex’s and now I love her and just want her back so badly. I’m confused.

 

 

HELP!!

[daphne]

You took someone for granted that treated you and your child like gold despite your problems. You disliked yourself so much you didn't think that someone who loved you like that had value. Now you realize your folly and you want sympathy but you're usually what people on this board are healing from.

[Guest]

You took someone for granted that treated you and your child like gold despite your problems. You disliked yourself so much you didn't think that someone who loved you like that had value. Now you realize your folly and you want sympathy but you're usually what people on this board are healing from.

 

Hi Daphne,

 

I'm kicking myself so badly for being so stupid and regret the day I threw our relationship away. I've just moved out of her place as I have found somewhere of my own. I hope this helps as we were too close for a long time after our break up and it was very difficult to move on. Now there won't be so much contact between us (although we will still see each other from time to time for the benefit of my daughter) it will give me a chance to get over it and get myself back to normal.

 

There is still part of me however that is willing her back. I've already told her how I feel so I'm not going to show her anymore of my vulneralability around her and just get on with being me. Who knows she may change her mind when she sees that I'm back to my old self.

[daphne]

Guest,

 

I don't know the full circumstances of your attempt to win her back, but I can tell you that playing it cool and going NC doesn't work in all situations. I know that if a man walked away and took me for granted and hurt me like you hurt her, he'd have a lot of work cut out for him to get me back. If he let me go that easily, he certainly can't get me back just because he had a change of heart. That makes it too easy for him to hurt me again. No thanks. The route in similar situations to take is different. You have to prove to her that you're sincere. Like I said, I don't know how much of an effort you've made but just being vulnerable isn't going to cut it. It takes a concentrated effort and wearing a girl down before she realizes you mean it this time.

 

Once you erode the trust, it takes tenfold action to retrieve it than what it took to get it in the first place.

[Guest]

Well I have now pretty much blown it I fear. I left Susanna's place to go to my new place and tried to get on with things and give her space by not calling her. She called up from time to time to see how I was going and to tell me to come and pick up my mail etc. This wasn't easy. My Daughter also is asking after her and a couple of times after she asked if she could call her I told her Susanna would be out at the time. I feel bad about that. I then capitulated and wrote her a long email pouring my heart out to her and asking for another chance. She again refused and asked me please to not bring up the subject again.

 

The thing that irks me is that I have asked several times for her real reasons for saying and I continue to get a "I just don't feel the same about you as I did before" kind of answer. This hurts because I know there is more to it than this. Anyway we made peace but I have suggested we have no contact for a while so I can get over her. She agreed but says she wants to stay friends. I want this too but need to get her out of my system first. The thing is that my daughter keeps wondering why she is not around. I have said she can call her but my daughter is hearing impaired and needs assistance on the phone. This would mean we still have to speak to each other.

 

I really feel that I being punished badly for making those mistakes and that maybe her reasons behind not taking me back stem from her extreme stubbornness to stick to her guns. Although I believe she has always tried to show I didn't hurt her I think I did more than even I realised at the time. I think it's almost to the point where she would cut off her nose to spite her face if you get my meaning. I'm not 100% sure of this but she will not come clean. I have now resided myself to the fact that she knows exactly how I feel and that who knows in time she may swallow her pride and regret she said no and we may bump into each other sometime in the future and something may happen again. In the meantime I'll just get on with my life and try to forget her for now.

Guest,

 

I don't know the full circumstances of your attempt to win her back, but I can tell you that playing it cool and going NC doesn't work in all situations. I know that if a man walked away and took me for granted and hurt me like you hurt her, he'd have a lot of work cut out for him to get me back. If he let me go that easily, he certainly can't get me back just because he had a change of heart. That makes it too easy for him to hurt me again. No thanks. The route in similar situations to take is different. You have to prove to her that you're sincere. Like I said, I don't know how much of an effort you've made but just being vulnerable isn't going to cut it. It takes a concentrated effort and wearing a girl down before she realizes you mean it this time.

 

Once you erode the trust, it takes tenfold action to retrieve it than what it took to get it in the first place.

[Guest]

I forgot to say. I just can't get my head around how I was once the best thing since sliced bread to her and she wanted it all. Then 9 months later she has no feelings for me anymore. I never cheated on her, never lied. She just stopped fancying me I suppose. Why? Only she knows and won't tell me. It's very frustrating.

 

Guest,

 

I don't know the full circumstances of your attempt to win her back, but I can tell you that playing it cool and going NC doesn't work in all situations. I know that if a man walked away and took me for granted and hurt me like you hurt her, he'd have a lot of work cut out for him to get me back. If he let me go that easily, he certainly can't get me back just because he had a change of heart. That makes it too easy for him to hurt me again. No thanks. The route in similar situations to take is different. You have to prove to her that you're sincere. Like I said, I don't know how much of an effort you've made but just being vulnerable isn't going to cut it. It takes a concentrated effort and wearing a girl down before she realizes you mean it this time.

 

Once you erode the trust, it takes tenfold action to retrieve it than what it took to get it in the first place.

[daphne]

The thing that irks me is that I have asked several times for her real reasons for saying and I continue to get a "I just don't feel the same about you as I did before" kind of answer.

 

I really feel that I being punished badly for making those mistakes and that maybe her reasons behind not taking me back stem from her extreme stubbornness to stick to her guns. Although I believe she has always tried to show I didn't hurt her I think I did more than even I realised at the time.

 

Ok, it's time for you to be less selfish and try to look at it from her angle. You dumped her. You hurt her. Obviously, pretty badly. She was crazy about you and did her best to make the two of you comfortable and happy. You repaid her by not treating her the way a man treats a woman he really loves. And now you feel like you're being punished? Stop thinking about your pain for one minute and think about what you've caused her.

 

It's not all about you and you're not going to get her back with that mentality. You hurt her and you can't even properly recognize it. You want her back because you want her back. You haven't taken into account that you treated her like crap. Therein lies the reason she doesn't want you back.

 

Also, once you gave her plenty of time to think about things she realized that giving her love to someone who could treat her like that was not worth it. She has self respect. She doesn't want someone who doesn't recognize her value. She's not necessarily stubborn. She just wants better for herself than what you offered her at the time. And there's no way for her to know that you can offer any better because you never gave her better.

[Guest]

Now there is another twist. When I last posted we had come to an amicable arrangement. We would have no contact for a while and then when things had cooled off we were going to try to stay friends. For my daughter's sake as much as our own I suppose. 24 hours later out of the blue Susanna does a complete turn around and sends another mail to me. This time she had decided that after reading my mail a few times and after the initial shock of receiving it that I am now the worst person in the world. She asked how could I possibly say to her that I would have gone back overseas with her and left my daughter. Calling me selfish, infuriating and didn't want anymore contact at all anymore.

 

I responded saying that at least she could still let my daughter have contact with her and that the reason I keep persisting with her is not because she has said NO BUT because the only reason she can give is "I just don't feel the same about you as I did before". I told her I wanted the real reason and suggested that it was her pride & stubbornness that was keeping her from giving me another chance after hurting her so badly.For which I have apologised many times. I also told her that I felt like I was being punished. By now I was not really worried how she reacted as I had just about had a gutful although I wasn't rude and told her to think about not burning her bridges and that we should still stay friends. Anyway I got another reply full of abuse and derogatory comments about me and she will go through my ex wife if she wants to see my daughter and for me not to contact her. Also saying "I don't love you, I don't even like you", "dickhead", "arrogant" "Go f*** yourself" etc etc. To me the fact that she reacted this way suggests my comments in the previous mail re her hurt pride & stubbornness had hit a nerve.

 

I have not responded to this mail and

do not intend to. I will not stoop to her level. The funny thing is that although I know now it's over and I have finished chasing her, after all her abuse which I haven't responded to or abused her at all I would still have her back. Strange but true. I'm just getting on with my life now. The only shame

is that my daughter has lost an important person in her life. If Susanna trys to contact her through my ex wife should I let her or should I intervene? I'm not sure if she'll try but if she gets in contact with me about it I would probably say to her OK let's try to patch up our friendship and you can see Lucy. If she is still hostile toward me why should I give her access?

 

Ok, it's time for you to be less selfish and try to look at it from her angle. You dumped her. You hurt her. Obviously, pretty badly. She was crazy about you and did her best to make the two of you comfortable and happy. You repaid her by not treating her the way a man treats a woman he really loves. And now you feel like you're being punished? Stop thinking about your pain for one minute and think about what you've caused her.

 

It's not all about you and you're not going to get her back with that mentality. You hurt her and you can't even properly recognize it. You want her back because you want her back. You haven't taken into account that you treated her like crap. Therein lies the reason she doesn't want you back.

 

Also, once you gave her plenty of time to think about things she realized that giving her love to someone who could treat her like that was not worth it. She has self respect. She doesn't want someone who doesn't recognize her value. She's not necessarily stubborn. She just wants better for herself than what you offered her at the time. And there's no way for her to know that you can offer any better because you never gave her better.

[silentalways]

i think i did just about everything wrong a man can do in my past relationship. do i realize how much i hurt her? absolutely. i promised a safe and loving home and didn't deliver. i promised a stable environment and a chance at happiness, and i didn't deliver. i got sick, addicted, had cyber-comatose affairs, u name it - i did it. and as much as i am hurting, the lack of respect i gave her was way worse. would i love to be able to show her the 'real meal deal'? yup! will that ever happen? nope. she is done avec moi and for my 'recovery' i have to get that thru my thick noddle. i guess part of me still dreaming of the wedding thang, buying a home together and growing old in each others arms - but that is fantasy - reality is that will never happen - so my therapist has kindly decided that is issue #1 to solve. then everything will flow from there. i guess what i am saying is, it is normal when one person messes everything up to want another chance but sometimes we only get one kick at the can - so make the first one work. big love all.

[daphne]

Guest,

 

You just don't get it. You are still behaving selfishly and only looking at things from your side. Whereas your ex's reaction was rather harsh, I don't believe you are blameless. Even before I saw her reaction, the fact that you were pushy in the first place was a forecast of things to come.

 

You somehow still project an attitude that you're still in the driver's seat because she was once crazy about you. You're upset that she's not responding to you teh way she would have normally responded. You don't realize that this is ticking her off and she senses how feel by the way you talk to her. You act contrite but honestly, you're not any different from when the two of you broke up. You just want things back to the way they were and you don't really know what you've done wrong.

 

You will never get human relationships until you look to understand and stop being so selfish. It's not all about how you feel and what you want. There are other people involved. You have reached an age where you should be able to understand women a little better and yet, you're doing about as much as you can to undermine any possibility.