Dealing With His Past

[Wantingtogetitright]

I have reached crisis point and I am scared of how I am going to completely destroy my current relationship due to my own insecurities, level of morals, beliefs etc.

 

I have been with my partner now for 18 months and living together now for a year and he is the most loving and caring and wonderful man I have ever been with. If I can get past this current situation I believe he is the one. I am almost 40 so about bloody time!

 

A bit of background.

 

I have known a particular group of people for about 10 years, seen them get married and have children. I have been the single one! They also had another friend also single and even though we had met on a handful of ocassions neither really took much notice until one day we did and here we are. This group of friends all grew up together and the group grew as they got married and their partners came into the group etc. They all supported each other, one has a baby, all the others pitch in, share the cribs etc, have regular dinners at each others houses etc. A very tight knit group of friends. His previous girlfriends have always found it a bit hard to fit in cos the others (welcoming as they had always been) all knew each other so well. Plus apparently he was never very good at picking girlfriends. I on the other hand also knew them so when we got together they were all so excited and said that it completes the group and have been saying why did they not tink about setting us up before etc. I feel it is better this way as we reached the same conclusion but we did it ourselves.

 

Now it gets interesting.

 

I have found out that my man has a rather colourful past, basically a slut and slept around a lot. He did drugs a bit and basically in his words didn't like himself very much. He took a job in a remote area for a year and again in his words, found his true self and his own company and realised what he wanted out of life. That was to meet the "right" woman and share his life with her. He tells me I am that woman. And I believe him.

 

I have also found out that he is still in contact with some of his exes which is a whole other issue which we have now dealt with. However as part of my dealing with this I found comfort being surrounded by this group as they knew him, knew his past and supported me when I found out and reassured me he is the happiest they have ever seen him, that none of the others were anywhere half decent and that his past is well and truly in his past. It was really nice to feel so completely at ease and know that we had their support and friendship to get us through it. He was worried his past would now destroy his future, I was worried that I may not be able tocome to terms with it but through their help and support we have moved through it. After all that's what friends are for.

 

BUT

 

It now turns out that he has slept with 2 of the girls in the group. Sisters of his best mate. I feel physically ill finding this out now after leaning on them for support and not knowing about their shared history. I feel like a fool as well. I have just endured a weekend away camping with the group and I cannot be near them.

 

My values that I place on friendship would never allow me to cross that line with a friend and having to be around people that he has been intimate with I simply cannot deal with.

 

His past is his past and I trust that he has learnt what is important, what boundaries are and he himself says he is ashamed of what he has done in his past. I am his future and am all he wants. So I put my faith and love in that and we are closer than ever.

 

How do I leave the group and not lose him? He has no idea how I felt this weekend, these are all his friends. He was even emcee at the wedding of one of them. I know I cannot deal with this and accept it. I think lines have been crossed that should never have been crossed. I cannot change how I feel about that.

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay- basically what you are saying is that you want to leave the group, and have him leave the group, because he's slept with two of the members??

 

How long ago was this?? Are those people married now??? Happily??

 

You're 40 years old. Basically anyone you get involved with at this point is going to have a past. So have you.

 

I get where you're coming from, really I do. My husband has quite the colorful past as he was single for larger periods of his past than I was. Once we were in church when we were dating and we ran into not one but TWO of the girls he'd been with in his past.

 

It bothered me at first, but I was more than happy to put that behind me considering how much I loved him, how much I trusted him, and how good he was to me.

 

Basically, you cannot ask him to give up friends he has had for years, if in fact, he's reformed his behavior. That's not fair and you shouldn't even consider it. It's your insecurity that's pushing you to do that, because you can't bear to be confronted with women he's slept with during social functions.

 

If he has that much history with these people, he may not be willing to give that up, and if you force him to choose you may lose. Even if he does choose you he may end up being resentful of the fact he had to give up his friends for a relationship. No matter how much he loves you.

 

In the end you either have to decide if you can put up with it or not. If not, then you need to walk away from the relationship- which sounds like it's the best you've ever had.

 

If you can put your fears aside and be content in the fact that you are the right woman for him, and look at it as they are the ones who lost out then you may end up being okay. I always tell myself that if things would have worked out with some of these other women, I might not have had the opportunity to be with this great guy.

 

If he's changed his ways concerning drugs and other women and you're content that you are the woman for him, be satisfied with that. But I would make it clear to him that abusing drugs or doing anything to make you distrust him could alter the relationship.

 

Otherwise enjoy this great guy you seem to have in your life and quit worrying so much about his past, because you're his future.

[norajane]

I wouldn't make any rash and hasty decisions at this point. You're hurting now because you just found out that he has a past with a couple of the women in the group he hangs out with, so your feelings are still fresh and raw.

 

Personally, I don't see what he did as that big a deal. I hung out with a group of people in college and they mixed and matched for a while until settling down with their true loves, and I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Why wouldn't they want to date each other if they are friends, get along well, like each other, etc.? And why should those freindships end just because the romantic relationship didn't work out? They were friends first, so it stands to reason they can be friends afterwards - it means they didn't hurt each other irreparably in the process!

 

If he and these women and their husbands are all friends, I think that's a testament to how respectful they are of each other.

 

If you try to separate him from the group, you will lose the relationship. He's not going to give up friends he's had for years. If you ostracize yourself from the group, you will, by default, be separating him from his friends and he'll notice and he'll ask, and then he'll have to make the choice between friends or you.

 

Give this some more thought, let your feelings calm down a bit, and try to approach it from a different perspective before doing anything that's going to end a relationship that you want in your life.

[Wantingtogetitright]

when we first were getting together Sister A (no names) was encouraging me and I was very open with her about it all, telling her I did really like him but was nervous cos I had been on my own for 4 years after a 6 year relationship broke down and was really worried about entering something again and that I wasn't interested in "dating around" and as my man is a few years younger (7) I didn't want to get into anything with anyone that was not looking for a proper relationship. She was telling me he has not had a "serious" girlfriend for ages and that he had been talking to her about wanting to find someone to share his life with. When we eventually got together on a "real date" - just us two not part of any group activity like camping trips or whatever we just clicked and were amazed that neither of us had ever taken any real notice of each other before. We talked for about 15 hours straight. I cooked dinner and we talked all night until we had to go to work. We spent pretty much the best part of 3 weeks almost exclusively with each other, just talking and enjoying each other's company.

 

I then chatted to Sister A again about sleeping with him. I have never been one tro move very fast in this aspect, I have always felt that to make love you would be in love. I have never just had sex, no one night stands etc, but I felt I wanted to with him. We talked so openly me and Sister A. I felt like a flippin' first timer again! 20 years after the first time! She was telling me it was OK to feel this way and that people should be in love etc etc.

 

enter the scenario - she has slept with him in the past.

 

Sister B

 

She was only 15 when I first knew her through her mum. She came to me when she was 19 about sleeping with her boyfriend and losing her virginity. The questions she wanted from an older person but not her mum etc. I talked her through it as best I could. She is now married to the boyfriend that we had this discussion about. As far as I am aware they have never broken up etc. Hell a few weeks ago at a party when I was striggling to come to terms with his past I chatted with Sister B about how lucky her husband was about knowing she was his and his only. How I was even beginning to understand that no sex before marriage thing. How stupid must I have looked.

 

Sister B has also slept with my partner.

 

My partner once said to me in passing Sister B once had a bit of a thing for me. Of course I assumed this is when she was little and fancied her brothers mate.

 

I sit there with this whole group having this knowledge in my head and yet not having any and feeling sick.

 

How can I continue to be a part of this group. How do I forget all this?

 

I now feel like a complete fool. I feel disgust that my partner a) slept with his best mate's sisters. b) that I discussed such intimate issues with these women who had already been intimate with him.

[YankGirl]

Hey girl, that is a tough one. Don't do anything quite yet, give it some more time before you decide to leave the group. How did you find out about the two sisters? Did he tell you? This would bother me too, but isn't that a shame, since he is such a great partner? It sounds like he has really changed his ways, and cares for you now. I am in a somewhat similar situation...searching for help on getting over my boyfriend's past. Please keep me posted.

[Wantingtogetitright]

for your comments. Yes he told me. We were discussing my dealing with things and moving on with it, accepting he has a past etc etc. He said he will do all he can to reassure me that he has changed and will never be that way again, that he loves me, and wants us to work out. I said I did too and realy see a future for us but now would be the time to get everything out in the open, let's deal withthis now, put it behind us and move forward. As what happens in a few years time and something else comes up that could be fatal to our relationship. Let's agree that whilst it may be worse now we agree that we will work through it and come out the other side. I said I don't need numbers, details etc, I accept he has been a slut and whilst I am disgusted by it it was his past, it was before I knew him and accept he has learnt from it. I said even if he knows it will hurt me I need to know anythign else now that is important and whilst he may not deem it important, knowing what he knows now about my morals etc needs to be brought out dealt with and then sent away for good.

 

Then he hit me with this as he felt that this would more than likely pop up at some point down the road as we were all one group. I so was not expecting this bombshell.

 

I am dealing with his past, I am accepting he has one and has now changed and has chosen me and is happy and we are happy and the past is the past. But sitting there looking at it right in front of me is a constant reminder of it and brings the past into the present and the future.

[insomnie]

Hm, this IS a tough one. People do change and it soudns like your boyfriend is a pretty good guy. It's also probably a good thing that he's "sowed his oats" so to speak and now WANTS a serious relaitonship. And it's unrealistic to expect that your partner not have a past, or to hold it against him...even if the past is with his friends.

 

On the other hand, about the friends....of course it's perfectly reasonable that some of them have dated and slept with one another...that happens in every group. But, this group does seem to have some boundary issues that I'd be wary of. Sister B, for example...sounds like she cheated on her husband with this guy, and everyone is still friends. How does that work? Has no one ever tipped off the husband? And the fact that he did it with two of the sisters of one of his friends....just kind of inappropriate. Sounds like eitehr these people disregard all "lines", or there are a LOT of very hurtful secrets floating around. I wouldn't hold it against him, but I'd be wary of the group.

[Mz. Pixie]

Just because both of them have discussed relationship issues with you before doesn't mean that they wanted to tell you they slept with him.

 

It obviously held no importance for either of them nor did they think he was an ass or they would have been blabbing it to the moon to you to break things up. They were being kind, IMO.

 

I think you think they are laughing behind your back about it but I just don't see it that way- but then again I wasn't there.

 

If they are laughing behind your back, then I question why you would be friends with people in the first place who would do this to you.

 

You do not have to give him a full disclosure of everything you've ever done either, unless you want to. He had sexual experience, but to be honest, many men do before they settle down.

 

If he chooses to tell you everything about his prior sex life, then okay, great. But when it involves other people you both know then there's another party who may or may not want those details disclosed.

 

Again, I get how you're feeling. My husband had a threesome a good bit before he met me with two women. In what is now our home. It bothered me, and it still will if I dwell on it. But I have accepted reality that that was before he met me and fell in love with me. He was a grown man, and he protected himself and his future partners. He has never judged me for my past, why should I judge him for his?? Just because I was married for the majority of that time and monogamous and he was single?? How fair is that??

 

I think the large part of this is that you can see these people and imagine your partner with them, and that you feel somewhat inferior in some ways to them. That's obviously not the case or things would have worked out with them in the first place.

 

Put it out of your mind and stop focusing on it. Think to yourself "That was his past, but he's mine now"

[InLimbo2]

Reading everyone's responses - think they got it right - his past is his past - he choose you - he wants to be with you.

 

I think the only thing he did 'wrong' was not warn you earlier that he'd slept with both these women - no woman wants to be 'ambushed' by everyone else in the room knowing except her. That's it - done and over with now - nothing he can do to go back and change that. Move forward with your great guy -the one that chose you

[Wantingtogetitright]

couple of mornings ago he went to leave the house without the usual goodbye kiss. I pulled him up on it and got a perfunctory peck. I emailed him from work asking if I had done something wrong if so I had no idea what it was. I got the below response.

 

am a little cranky this morning, don’t think I had the quality of sleep that would be the norm. What I am feeling though is that of uncertainty, the what have I put myself into sort of feeling. I think it great that you want to talk to somebody else about your problems and such however you seem a bit cagey about the whole thing which isn’t your norm, the feeling I have right now about that is that you are talking about things to somebody I don’t know. (I went to see a counsellor) As much as these last few weeks have been a trying time for you, put yourself in my shoes as well. I too feel the pressure of this situation not knowing if the next thing I say is going to change the dynamics of our relationship for that moment, I really feel that I am walking on eggshells most of the time. It is one reason I can find on why I “leave things out” or not totally explain everything as it only seems to make things worse. You tell me that my past is my past but I have found over the last few weeks that my past is becoming the present and I am constantly digging stuff up that I really shouldn’t have to or want to for that matter. I am after an easy existence and chose that after learning many lessons from what I call years of self torture but I am really feeling like it is all too hard at the moment. I can take the normal relationship stuff that becomes an issue for any couple but it seems that for both of us at the moment, our pasts’ is affecting everything that we have which shouldn’t be the case. Whilst you are taking steps to move on, I think that I am way out in front, I moved on from my mistakes a long time ago which I suppose adds to my frustration in this.

If I was anywhere near the same person I was a few years ago, this relationship would have ended a long time ago if it would have started at all. I love you dearly and hope that this can work but I am also frustrated right now. I hope you can understand.

 

So I spilled my guts to him, told him every detail of what I was feeling no holds barred.

 

He explained a few more things

 

Righto, I can see why you might be a bit weird about the girls that you feel you have known for ever……….

Sister A, she and I had a bit of a fling many years ago, it was around the time that ****** and I were having major problems and had broken up. (This is the long time one that he is still in touch with that I am going to meet at some point)As for Sister B, that one happened quite a while ago, at least 7 years. I wasn’t sure the status of her and **** at the time and it was a once off.

 

As far as those two are concerned, I honestly believe they have nothing but good intentions regarding yourself. I don’t think that they have mislead you in any way.

 

Each of the girls in the group have all had a crush on me at some point, back when we young and used to party a lot I suppose we were a pretty incestuous bunch which is why I have done some of the things that I have. Everybody has little secrets and I guess this group is no different. We are all friends. From everybody being supportive of our relationship, I do believe that they all have good intentions and mean everything that they say/do. They like to see us happy which is a great thing, I have been floating around doing my OWN thing for quite some time now and I suppose if anything they were relieved that I have chosen to settle down with somebody lovely as it easily could have been them visting my grave as I used to party quite hard.

Hopefully we can work something out and go along like 2 little fonzies. I would really like that.

 

 

So peeps I think crisis may be over. I still am a bit raw but that will pass and I will accept his past is his past and will not influence how I feel about who he is now.

 

I am still going to distance myself from this group as I do see them in a whole new light and whilst some people may not have issues with the incestuous nature of a group of friends, swapping around etc, I do and I can't and won't change that. I have had other issues with regards to politics with the group, can't invite one couple for dinner without the rest fo the group being p'd off etc, one of them is a spiteful cow and constantly comes on to my man, even though she is married but has a f'd up marriage. blah blah. I guess it is one of those can't pick your family, thank heavens you can choose your friends. I told him I understand his connection with the group and will never try to come between them but he has to respect that I want to maintan a bit of a distance. He has said that is fine. They all spend too much time together anyways in his opinion and he has always been a bit more independent of them anyway.

 

Thank you all for your sound advice and for keeping me sane.