past bad experiences.....

[Little Miss Naughty]

2 months ago I got outta a 2-year relationship, it was a really difficult break-up but it was the best thing to do under the circumstances. Durin the relationship, my boyfriend was unfaithful loadsa times, lied to me constantly and always broke his promises... it doesn't sound that bad but he really really hurt me emotionally. I could probably understand it more if i had treated him badly or lied to him or cheated on him, but i never did. In the end i couldnt take it anymore and i finished it.

 

My problem is, now he's knocked all of the self-confidence out of me and im convinced that all lads are like that. i dont recognise myself anymore because of what he has done to me.

 

At the moment, im seein another lad called Ant. he's gorgeous, a really decent lad, and he seems to be really into me: he's better than i thought i could ever get! he always tells me how much he likes me, but it's like theres this mental barrier tellin me not to fall for him because he'll do what exactly Michael did. He's noticed this, and i know it really isnt fair on him but i cant help it.

 

I'm over michael in the sense that i dont miss him and would never contemplate gettin back together, but it's like he has "damaged" me for life, so now i have BIG trust and commitment problems. Im not sure wether I should try to forget all the past and give Ant a chance, or just finish it before we both get hurt.....

 

Any advice.....?

[Tony T]

1. "My problem is, now he's knocked all of the self-confidence out of me and im convinced that all lads are like that."

 

Nobody else can "knock out" our self confidence. We do that to ourselves. We allow it to happen. We give the other person permission and great power over our lives, the power to devastate us in ways which are insane.

 

You are still giving this guy power over your life, power to ruin it for you, power to take away your self worth and self esteem. You may be emotionally too weak to grab that power back but you have to muster up every bit of strength you have to become strong and recover that power for yourself and never, ever again give it up to someone else.

 

You can love another without giving them so much power that they can clobber you. Love is not for weak people. Love is not for pushovers. To love, you must be strong. You must be powerful. To love the right person, you don't really need that strength. You really need strength when you are dealing with the wrong person, unfortunately. But the power back up has always got to be on no matter who you love.

 

It is not in your rational best interests to continue to give this guy power over you and your self image until the day you die. But until you grab that power back and stubbornly refuse to let any other human being take back what you have worked for all your life and what is rightfully yours, people will take it if they can...expecially the worthless, no good scumbags that confront you from time to time.

 

2. "...theres this mental barrier tellin me not to fall for him because he'll do what exactly Michael did. He's noticed this, and i know it really isnt fair on him but i cant help it."

 

You can't help it??? You can't help it??? I don't buy that at all. Why are you giving your emotions and your power senselessly, needlessly and irrationally over to some other guy to screw your life up for all time??? So you are going to let some trashy, lowlife ex control you for the rest of your life??? For Pete's sake, get strong. Take your power back from this ex...and never, ever give it up again.

 

Imagine seeing him in front of you. Look in his eyes and announce to him that you are taking your power back and he no longer has the power to affect you in any way. Get angry and make sure this confrontation is meaningful and final. Look at his imagined face and let him know your decision is irrevocable. My guess is that, for some reason, deep down you just don't want to let go of him. Otherwise, there is just no sane reason for continuing to let him affect you in such astronomically awful ways.

 

3. "...but it's like he has "damaged" me for life, so now i have BIG trust and commitment problems."

 

He hasn't damaged anything. Did he drill a hole in your skull and pipe stuff into your brain? No, everything that is in your brain was put their by YOU. Your brain is YOUR private property. Nothing can remain there unless you give it permission too.

 

You need to start taking responsiblity for this damage and do something to get rid of it. Don't think he's going to come back and remove it...he can't because he didn't put it there. You did. Getting really pissed that somebody would try to entice you to cause yourself these kinds of problems is a good start. But, again, you have got to understand that while love is a wonderful feeling...in order to get its full benefit you have to be TOUGH.

 

Why are you responsible? Because you made the decision to let your ex do this. You made the decision to remain in an abusive relationship. You made the decision to stay long enough to allow his behavior to impact you in this way. You made the decision to keep this crap in your brain instead of deleting it. You are making a decision to live in the past, to let past hurts continue to affect you. It's like if you hurt your toe when you were four years old so every day you take a hammer and hit your toe so it will keep hurting all your life.

 

Take control and use your power to release this. In case nobody told you, this is the ONLY life you will ever get. Even if there is reincarnation, you won't recall this life. Since this is your ONLY stab at life, love and conscious awareness, why not use every power available to make it the most pleasant experience you can for yourself?

 

I just can't imagine any free human being wanting to give over the power to have their life ruined by some scum bum.

 

4. "Im not sure wether I should try to forget all the past and give Ant a chance, or just finish it before we both get hurt....."

 

Wow, forgetting about the past. What a concept!!! You mean I had to get all the way to your last sentence to see that you knew the answer to your problem the whole time. I feel like a real fool.

 

The only thing I disagree with is the "try" part. Don't try, DO!!! Put this ex into the hard drive of your mind, tap into his file, press the delete buttom, empty the recylcle bin and begin your life anew.

 

It's wild beyond all imagination that you would for even a second sacrifice what could be the very best thing that could happen to you in your lifetime...a wonderful guy you have found, just because of some worthless, classless, vermin of a homosapien that you left long in the past.

 

When you leave somebody, you not only leave them physically but you leave all the emotional trash behind to for the garbage man to pick up. Take only the good stuff that won't affect your life in a negative way. That's what looking out for yourself is all about...and if you don't look out for yourself, nobody else will. It's tough out there sometimes!!!

 

Glad you stopped by. Writing this has been therapy for me too. Sometimes I really need a booster shot of tough love, and that's the way it has to be.