SampoNumber5 Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Please help me! First of all, I want to tell everyone that I have done something which I think is very wong indeed. I read her diary, which she had left lying on the floor! The can of worms I found threatens my sanity! I am not going to go to any details about how when we were dating and she said she was meeting with friends, she actually spent a night with another man and how she sometimes misses one another guy she was dating at the same time with me or how she used to be in love with one of her friends (which I always suspected and she always denied).These are normal secrets you have, there was no infidelity or such. But, she always tells me how much she loves me and how she wants to marry me (I have proposed but we haven't set a date yet) etc. However, in her diary she wrote that she will never want to marry me (why say yes!?), that she never wanted to move in together with me (it was her idea!) and that she needs me only to support her financially during her studies, to coach her in the university and plans to leave me straight after! How can she tell me she loves me and be like this? what confuses me most is that she is so convincing. Even after I know what she wrote, I can't detect any lies. She just woke me up last night to cover me in kisses and to tell me she loves me more than anyone ever. She constantly sends me unsolicited love messages. I know for a fact that she is not infidel. She always wants to spend her time with me, not her friends. And, she always, always, has insisted that relationsships can only work if they are based on trist and opennes. I would have no objections to supporting her financially if she would just ask me directly, but to leave me... Is she a schitzophrenic? She has had some mental issues (depression) and she feels that she has had a rougher life than others (she has been raped, one of her boyfriends died in an accident and her ex drunk her savings). In her diary she referred to her plan as a prostitution of a kind but justified it to herself with her rough past (I have always treated her well! She wrote about me that I am the best boyfriend she ever had - on paper..). I think it is worse as in (voluntary) prostitution both parties at least know what they are getting. Or, are these normal things to write down? I do not write a diary but I know that some thoughts I have would sound very bad indeed if written down. We all have our dark side. Can she have changed her mind? Is it only her way of dealing with anger? She only ever writes her diary when she is angry or frustrated - I found only few references to our happy moments but there were dates weeks apart about our arguments and such. I have not told her that I have read the diary. But my heart is broken and I try to understand who is this very sweet looking girl in front of me who is planning our wedding that is to take place soon after her graduation (!). Am I just so blind as I cannot believe she would lie about her feelings? Thanks for all comments.. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 It isn't normal. At least not in my universe. Honesty...to be one with what is...is lacking in this girl. Regardless of what her true intentions are she is not being honest with you or with herself. I think it's time to start thinking about breaking up but be ready for the tears or anger and huge emotional blackmail on her part when you do. It looks like she knows your weaknesses. Link to post Share on other sites
Kinger25 Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 If it's written down in her diary then there must be some truth in what she is writing. There's no smoke without fire and even if some of what she has written has been out of anger or after you two have had a fight, she still must really mean some of what has been written. I mean - lets face it, unless she is playing a proper head screwing game with you then I am assuming that she did not WANT you to see what she had written in her diary. If you weren't supposed to see the diary then I would imagine that what you fear to be the worst is actually happening. I think you need to come right out and ask her "Honey, are you using me to finance your education and are you then gonna chuck me once you've graduated" If your smart enough, you'll be able to tell if she's lying. I dont think she will though cause you will have caught her right off the hop. I think you need to finish this relationship now. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 Well, I'm going to disagree with what some have written. During the end of my first marriage, I kept a journal. And I filled it with the darkest, vilest fantasies and thoughts about killing my ex-wife, myself - even harming our children so that she would in turn be hurt. It helped to purge my soul of the incredible anger that otherwise threatened to eat me alive. None of it was true nor did any of it have a chance of happening - it was just primal scream stuff. And yet, if discovered, may have certainly given those around me much pause for thought. Is your girlfriend similarly acting out on paper? Depending on someone else financially is a two-edged sword which can certainly generate some unspoken resentments. Personally, I'd put much more stock in what she says and does than I would in what she wrote in a (supposedly) private diary. Just my .02... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author SampoNumber5 Posted November 7, 2006 Author Share Posted November 7, 2006 Thank you very much for your answers. It has helped me already to be able to write this down. I think what Craig and Kinger25 wrote sounds logical. But, I would like to believe Mr. Lucky... Like I wrote before, we all have our dark side and not all our motives are very moral. I started to think if everything I ever think, would sound fine to an objective viewer. This is why I have not told her about my (in my opinion an unforgivable) invasion in her privacy. For her, her diary is very important. And, she has actually told me almost everything she has written. About former sex partners during our lifes as singles, people do not generally discuss openly anyway. I know I haven't told her about all women I dated or slept with. It is only this supporting her, she has kept secret. For me it is not that I would not want to support her, I am an old fashioned kind of man even if I live in Scandinavia. It is her way of "wishing to fade me", that bothers me. But then again, aren't we all rather more pragmatic in our mating than we would like to think in our romantic dreams? Mr. Lucky: What she says and does? You are right in asking that. What really makes me confused, is the way she is very (nad I mean extremely) sweet and devoted to me. She can spend hours grooming me, always sleeps with her arms tight around me or insists that I put my arms around her, she kisses me very often, spontaneously hugs me and does not want to spend her time with her friends but with me. We always go out together. I was also thinking about the strain you mentioned, I would think she would be more cold and distant if she would only use me. On the other hand, she has a very explosive personality. But again, her parents and brother say that she has always been like that and she further calms down very quickly and never ever bears a grudge. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Mr. Lucky: What she says and does? You are right in asking that. What really makes me confused, is the way she is very (nad I mean extremely) sweet and devoted to me. She can spend hours grooming me, always sleeps with her arms tight around me or insists that I put my arms around her, she kisses me very often, spontaneously hugs me and does not want to spend her time with her friends but with me. We always go out together. I was also thinking about the strain you mentioned, I would think she would be more cold and distant if she would only use me. On the other hand, she has a very explosive personality. But again, her parents and brother say that she has always been like that and she further calms down very quickly and never ever bears a grudge. As you describe her, she sounds like a sweet and loving person. Again, being dependent on someone, financially or otherwise, can create some tension. My guess would be that what you (wrongly ) read is a reaction to that. You made one mistake by reading her private thoughts - don't make another one by over reacting to the content. Good Luck... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author SampoNumber5 Posted November 9, 2006 Author Share Posted November 9, 2006 Thank you for all your replies! I think I will try to ignore what I read as we all have right to our private thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
nancyleeh Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 Are the journal writings that you are wondering about old writings from a long time ago or are they recent ones? If they are old ones I wouldn't be concerned but if you know they are recent ones I would not be so hasty to dismiss them. nancyleeh Link to post Share on other sites
Author SampoNumber5 Posted November 13, 2006 Author Share Posted November 13, 2006 Nancyleeh: They are not that recent but not old either. However, they were so very irrational that I have to try to ignore at least until I know more. Since I joined this forum, I have started to suspect that she has a passive-aggressive personality. I know that it is dangerous to self-diagnose but her behavious fits rather perfectly to everything i have read here and elsewhere. Consequently I started to think that either her writings were her way to let steam out or that she can't tell me the truth about not wanting to get married because of fear of conflict. She is most lovely girl I have ever known but her behaviour is often quite illogical and erratic. It makes me confused as i don't know wheter her true self is the loving or hating side of her. And, if she is passive-aggressive, how should I deal with it or should I just run.. Link to post Share on other sites
nancyleeh Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 My husband is passive aggressive and I have to say it is not an easy thing to live with. I don't want to discourage you but if your partner is p.a. you have your hands full and will need a lot of fortitude and info on how to deal with that kind of personality. I've been married for over 20 years and could not understand him at all until I did what you did...read up on it and everything fell into place, at least I understood. But being informed does not change who he is it only helped me to deal better with him and try to stay on top of his attitudes and actions. From what I learned it is rare that a p.a. can change because it is part of their personality and they do not recognize they have a problem. So don't jump ship right away but do more research on the subject and talk to a professional about it. My husband and I went to counseling twice and both times he quit because he said it wasn't helping him. That is typical for a p.a. How can they be helped when they think nothing is wrong with their attitude and actions? nancyleeh Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 I believe my wife is PA and I can tell ya when she is mad she says some very, very hurtful things. However from talking to psychologists, to reading posts on here, when she goes off on me and says things that really hurt, I just let them in one ear & out the other. I then usually say something like 'Well jeez, aren't we having a bad day?'. She'll then, for the most part come to her senses. When people act on emotions like your fiancee does what she writes or says sounds really mean, but once that blows over their true feelings usually come back to normal. I would test the waters and ask her about setting a date. See how she reacts. Also, don't become her sugar-daddy. Don't give her everything in the world, it only makes them worse.. Trust me, from experience.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SampoNumber5 Posted November 15, 2006 Author Share Posted November 15, 2006 I have been giving attention to my reactions to her outburst past days and I have to say that it has really helped. She has even started have less outbursts. I try to listen to her, though. I know I am not a perfect BF, so I have to take her complaint seriously. I just try to filter the way she says things. Jmargel, I think that your tips were great. I really do agree that what most hurts relationships, is the lack of effort and taking the other as granted. We all want security but also we want to be wanted. I took my fiancee to Vienna last weekend. Nothing fancy but in total secrecy. She did not know our destination before the flight attendant welcomed us "on board fthis flight to Vienna". We talked about our wedding a lot and I think I understand her fears and hopes much better now. This week she has been the one urging us to set a date! Maybe because I have not been so demanding and aggressive about that. I told her that I don't want to marry her because of any social pressure like she thought or because of big wedding reception to my family but because want her to be my WIFE. It is not about wedding but about being married... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Personally, I'd put much more stock in what she says and does than I would in what she wrote in a (supposedly) private diary. Just my .02... Agreed. When I'm mad I will put some pretty nasty crap down about my BF, but I think it's to protect myself if the relationship were to go south. Rather then sit and feel pity for myself during a rocky time, I change it into anger and see faults in him so if it doesn't pan out, I can feel better about it all. A couple of times I've written in my journal when we hadn't spoken in a day or two. And no matter what nasty thing I write, "I miss him" is scattered throughout the pages. Link to post Share on other sites
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