Author Ross_K Posted November 6, 2006 Author Share Posted November 6, 2006 Ok and thats fine. Then if you have the anxiety then their would be advice for that which then you should consider. If you have then good and you move on to something else. You don't have to respond to everyone that posts in your threads. But seriously if you get a lot of posts and you majority of the time reject it, eventually people won't want to help you because there would be no point. Well, I guess maybe now I can sort of see that maybe it might sort of come across as offensive, so, if I've offended anyone trying to help me, I apologise. I guess the reason why I just respond to every single post that gives me advice is because I'm just really trying to find that magic answer, explaining why a piece of advice wont work and telling them what the problem is that I have which means I can't use the advice, really narrows things down. Link to post Share on other sites
PussInHeels Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Seems like Littlekitty has got an obsession with me. Well, who can blame her, I look gorgeous. Project this thinking into real life and you'd be straight. Though maybe a tad more humble... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ross_K Posted November 6, 2006 Author Share Posted November 6, 2006 Lol. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Part VIII .......... It is not me it is you. Ross I guess I am on ignore too but I left an excellent link above that could put you in touch with people that feel like you do. Obviously not one person here understands you or what you feel. Unfortunate that you will not see it because of your own ignore-ance. Link to post Share on other sites
PussInHeels Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Well, I guess maybe now I can sort of see that maybe it might sort of come across as offensive, so, if I've offended anyone trying to help me, I apologise. I guess the reason why I just respond to every single post that gives me advice is because I'm just really trying to find that magic answer, explaining why a piece of advice wont work and telling them what the problem is that I have which means I can't use the advice, really narrows things down. The problem is simple. It's the anxiety, I do the same thing. When you get advice, you keep looking for all the flaws, wondering how it can fail. Because if it can fail, it probably will, right? No one's going to have a foolproof answer. Just lighten up a bit and try a few ideas that sound ok. The worst that can happen is that you'll be where you started. Can you be worse? Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 But, I don't see what the point is in considering something that wont work for me. It's like, for example, I ask for advice on how to get a woman, someone will say something like, start chatting up cashires, or go to a club and start dancing with women. I'll tell them that this is impossible because I have social anxiety, which for one, makes it impossible for you to do these things, and even if I did force myself, because of social anxiety these things are just not going to come naturally. You give the impression that it won't work because you're scared to try. Plus, you have an excuse for everything. Doesn't matter what is offered. You are adamant it won't work for you. Put it this way (I know I'm on ignore, but I'm betting you are too ego driven not to peep.) If you said instead... When I talk up the cashier I feel stupid and it reinforces my desire not to. Then maybe there could be discussion on what to talk about so you won't feel stupid. Or things you could ask so you won't have to be the first to talk. Let her talk, and you listen. Maybe you could ask better questions that pertain to what's wrong. Instead of saying "I can't", give an example of what you did try, and detail out what happened. THen get feedback for why it didn't work. But all you say is "I can't. Nope. Won't work. I won't try it. Your wrong. That's dumb." Why don't you take what you are trying, post a complete description, and then ask for feedback on how to improve it. You'll get some hair brained suggestions, and some good ones. And some that are a bit off the mark, but can be adapted. You thank them all, maybe ask questions to clarify things you don't quite understand. Fine tune your ideas, and try again. Here's an example... I posted about a problem I was having with my bf. Alphamale responds back that my relationship is dead and it's just a matter of convience. Its not exactly "helpful" advice on the surface, so I ask him why he believes that. He responds with his thoughts. Can't remember what he said now.. but I didn't discount what he said. I took it into consideration. Questioned the hell out of my situation on whether his view had merit, decided it didn't, thanked him for his response and gave my reasonings for why I didn't feel it applied. (a well thought out, honest evaluation of why I didn't believe that) Alpha felt validated that his opinion was taken into consideration, he was given concrete reasons for why it wasn't, and he still posts and responds to any threads I start. People in real life just want to be validated. Want to be heard. Just like you do. But you'd rather insult, ignore, or completely discard their thoughts and views on the world. You can't see past your shell to even consider their thoughts as valid. So why should we consider your thoughts as valid. There's no give and take Ross. You take. and take. and take. But you don't give anything in return. And that is what determines your level of social interaction. Not your looks or your shoes. But your ability to interact with others in a meaningful way. You'd rather respond with "La la la, I can't hear you." Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Well, I guess maybe now I can sort of see that maybe it might sort of come across as offensive, so, if I've offended anyone trying to help me, I apologise. I guess the reason why I just respond to every single post that gives me advice is because I'm just really trying to find that magic answer, explaining why a piece of advice wont work and telling them what the problem is that I have which means I can't use the advice, really narrows things down. Try not explaining to people why it won't work or why you can't do this or that. It comes off as excuses even if your not making them. Its like body language. Then you might then be able to look thru posts and see what works, respond without offending anyone and then move on to something else that you want some advice on. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Walk, I would stop posting because he can't see it and your waisting your time typing. I think he should read it but I don't know if he will. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 I have GAD, and I can tell you the only way to overcome your anxiety is to confront it in small doses. Maybe you won't be able to be Mr. Suave all night on the dance floor, but you can set a goal to talk to one or two girls. If they aren't interested, that's fine. But at least you went up and dealt with rejection and survived. That's how you get over it. There's no magic method or medication. You have to take control of your anxiety. Yeah, it's hard. It's hard as hell for me. But it's the only way. Well, I guess maybe now I can sort of see that maybe it might sort of come across as offensive, so, if I've offended anyone trying to help me, I apologise. I guess the reason why I just respond to every single post that gives me advice is because I'm just really trying to find that magic answer, explaining why a piece of advice wont work and telling them what the problem is that I have which means I can't use the advice, really narrows things down. There IS no magical answer like PIH stated. What was wrong with her/his advice? Try things in small doses. You can't keep saying you can't do it because of your SA. You just have to take baby steps whereas someone who DOESN'T have it can just freely talk to people and socialize without a thought. I have it too. I once posted on one of your threads when you first joined. I honestly don't remember your response to my post (if you even responded) but for some reason I stayed off of your threads after that. That's not like me usually. If I take interest in someone's problem, I usually stick with it and follow it and further advise if I think I can help. So I'm not sure what happened with you. My advice? Stop looking for magical cures. There aren't any. Try things a little at a time and in time, it WILL get easier. That much I DO know. Link to post Share on other sites
PussInHeels Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 The gist of it was that everyone wants to feel validated when they give someone something. It's true. For example, for X-mas you get some puke green socks from your granny. You don't say, "You know Granny, I'm not going to wear these socks, and here's why: they are puke green, and I think, although this is just my opinion, that they are ugly." Now, you didn't say anything that would be offensive out of context. But in the situation, you've made your granny cry. The better response would be to just say Thanks, and put the socks somewhere in the closet. Link to post Share on other sites
quietintrovertgirl Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 Seems like Littlekitty has got an obsession with me. Well, who can blame her, I look gorgeous. Rossy stop flirting! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ross_K Posted November 6, 2006 Author Share Posted November 6, 2006 The problem is simple. It's the anxiety, I do the same thing. When you get advice, you keep looking for all the flaws, wondering how it can fail. Because if it can fail, it probably will, right? No one's going to have a foolproof answer. Just lighten up a bit and try a few ideas that sound ok. The worst that can happen is that you'll be where you started. Can you be worse? Yeah. Whenever I've tried things in the past, it always turns out horribly, and I end up feeling a 100 times worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ross_K Posted November 6, 2006 Author Share Posted November 6, 2006 Try not explaining to people why it won't work or why you can't do this or that. It comes off as excuses even if your not making them. Its like body language. Then you might then be able to look thru posts and see what works, respond without offending anyone and then move on to something else that you want some advice on. The gist of it was that everyone wants to feel validated when they give someone something. It's true. For example, for X-mas you get some puke green socks from your granny. You don't say, "You know Granny, I'm not going to wear these socks, and here's why: they are puke green, and I think, although this is just my opinion, that they are ugly." Now, you didn't say anything that would be offensive out of context. But in the situation, you've made your granny cry. The better response would be to just say Thanks, and put the socks somewhere in the closet. I wonder why I was doing this in the first place then without realising I was doing anything wrong? While no one else does it? Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Yeah. Whenever I've tried things in the past, it always turns out horribly, and I end up feeling a 100 times worse. This defeatist attitude won't ever help you get past your SA. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Hi, People don't like people like you. They don't like people like you because they are uncooperative, complaining, and no fun to be around. I do like people like Ross. I had great conversations with him via PM, and I found him to be the most polite, understanding, fun, and clever. Maybe some people won't like him (and I don't see why not) but I do. If you don't address your attitude and personality, people will continue to stay away from you. I think that if people took the time to understand Ross' personality and attitude, they wouldn't stay away from him. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Hi, People don't like people like you. They don't like people like you because they are uncooperative, complaining, and no fun to be around. I do like people like Ross. I had great conversations with him via PM, and I found him to be the most polite, understanding, fun, and clever. Maybe some people won't like him (and I don't see why not) but I do. If you don't address your attitude and personality, people will continue to stay away from you. I think that if people took the time to understand Ross' personality and attitude, they wouldn't stay away from him. Ariadne But his whole attitude pushes people to decide they don't wish to take the time to understand him....? Link to post Share on other sites
Ripples Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Hi, <snip> Ariadne You appear to be in a minority. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Ross, I don't think you've gotten to the point where you understand what cognitive distortions are. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion You are very guilty of emotional reasoning, my friend. Your emotions, becuase you feel that something is true, doesn't mean that it is so. Our emotions come from our thoughts, and those thoughts are random and can only be controlled once you've established an internal protocol that governs how to pick and choose among the endless flow of random thoughts that pop into your head. Humans are such associative thinkers that they can very easily trick themselves. I am reading a FABULOUS book about cognitive therapy, complete with worksheets and everything. I highly suggest that you check it out, "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns, M.D. I doubt you've even looked into my other recommendations, but I suggest you look over the wikipedia entry and give this some serious thought and reflection. We can ALL learn to be happier and deal with others better -- ALL of us. Some of us need more help than others. Who better to help you, than yourself!?! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 I think that if people took the time to understand Ross' personality and attitude, they wouldn't stay away from him. Ariadne Unfortunately that's not how emotional commerce works, Ariadne. It's very rare that other people will take the time to understand others. We all have to learn how to more effectively manage ourselves, it's impossible to abdicate responsibility and push blame on other people -- and actually DO something about the problem. I used to be like you, and like Ross. Very stubborn about altering how I internalized my own thought process. I clung so tightly to my thoughts, because I thought they defined me. Little did I realize, and it took losing my father and praying by his body that lonely night when he died, to see that if there is any fault, the fault that lies within ME is the only fault I have control over. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Little did I realize, and it took losing my father and praying by his body that lonely night when he died, to see that if there is any fault, the fault that lies within ME is the only fault I have control over. How insightful. We could all use taking the time to look at ourselves.... Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 I do like people like Ross. I had great conversations with him via PM, and I found him to be the most polite, understanding, fun, and clever. But this is my major problem with him. He came here looking for advice and at first people were super helpful and compassionate. They supported him and congratulated him on each small accomplishment. He also had the chance here to talk to people and have human contact. But instead of doing that he went ape sh*t on many posters and blocked half of the regulars. He still fails to understand that maybe he is the one in the wrong here. Maybe if he's drop the "they're all against me" attitude and didn't lash out at each person he didn't agree with he wouldn't be in this position. And I see nothing polite about him, in fact he told me to "get the **** out of his face" Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Didn't you read all the way through? You say he "fails to understand" yet he's looking within himself now and questioning things on HIS end. Give the guy a break! Link to post Share on other sites
Ripples Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 <snip> Everything BO says - bloody brilliant. Am going to get that book. Thank you, BO Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Hey I'm on a crash course towards wholeness, get on the ride. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Didn't you read all the way through? You say he "fails to understand" yet he's looking within himself now and questioning things on HIS end. Give the guy a break! He isn't deserving of a 'break' unless he apologises for his lousy behaviour towards those who have tried to help him. If he drops the childish attitude, takes people off ignore and actually LISTEN to them instead, and quits the name-calling then he will be accepted more here. Link to post Share on other sites
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