JimJ Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 About 3 months ago i met this girl through work and we really hit it off, since then we've been in constant contact and our feelings for eachother have really gotten deep. We're both pretty crazy about eachother and I truely believe that if we made a go of things we could have something really special. But... When we met she was with someone, she's recently split with this guy (they were together 8 years) but it was only recently that i found out he was quite abit older than her... 32 years older to be precise. This really bugged me. Not only that but i've also learnt recently that she cheated on her boyfriend in previous years by sleeping with 2 of her co-workers. This also bugs me. I think she also used to do drugs with one of these guys. I've not had alot of experience when it comes to relationships and on top of that i'm quite an insecure and jealous individual anyway. These things i've learnt about this girl really trouble me and i can't seem to get past them. I just don't know what to think... i mean she says she wants to be with me and that she'd never hurt me, but i just don't know if i can let these things go so easily or if i can believe her. She seems to regret them and says they were mistakes. Can anyone offer some words of wisdom on the matter? Maybe some of you have been in similar situations? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 6, 2006 Share Posted November 6, 2006 This is a tough one because people can change. With that said it is generally recognized that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. I think actions speak a great deal about a person's character. The things she says to you about how she would never hurt you I am sure she probably said to her previous boyfriend. I guess what I am saying is that you have reason to be wary. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Wantingtogetitright Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 I am going through a similar type thing. My partner has a shady past in that he was a total man whore, if it had a pulse etc etc. I am struggling with it (see a thrad I posted on here called dealing with is past). However, without trust there is no relationship and I trust my man. He has quite openly discussed it now, my fault for not leaving the past buried and much as I hate it right now I believe him well he tells me it is his PAST. He is not proud of it and and says it is not something he would ever want to repeat. He says he is happier now than he has ever been. We have lived together for over a year now. Our past makes us who we are today. In a way I have to be grateful to all the sluts that serviced him as it got it out of hissystem. It answered the questions he had with regards to the freedom thing and not being committed etc. He says that it is so much better to be with one person who you know is committed to you and you only and that you feel the same. This he learnt from not being that way. Does that make sense? You have to trust her and trust that she has changed by learning from her past experiences and knowing that a committed relationship is what she now wants. Transparency is the key. Let her know your feelings about the past but tel her you accept she has a past and that you are so glad she has chosen a different path now cos that means that she has chosen you etc. Then leave it alone. The more you dredge it up the more you will doubt. Trust her until she gives you good reason not to. Don't constantly question her cos that will drive a wedge in between you. Accepting my partner has this past has been hard but I have seen no evidence that any of that remains in his words or his actions in the present. Good luck and follow your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JimJ Posted November 7, 2006 Author Share Posted November 7, 2006 Thank you both for the words of advice. She told me that when she cheated on her boyfriend those times, it was because she just wanted to feel close to someone, and although she did love her boyfriend, she just didn't feel that closeness she needed. I'm not saying this justifies what she did but it does shed abit of light on the situation and means that she didn't do it simply because she was a slut or anything. She says she regrets doing it and that she can't change the past. I myself have trust issuses (before i met her) and it's not easy for me to forgive and forget, but i think that i should just let it go and stop dwelling on it. Concentrate more on what WE HAVE, rather than what SHE HAD. Does any of that make sense or am i fooling myself? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 7, 2006 Share Posted November 7, 2006 Hello again, She said she still loved her boyfriend by cheated on him a couple of times because she did not feel the closeness that she wanted with him at those times. Jim do you honestly feel that throughout an entire relationship she and you will always feel strong closeness with each other? All relationships go through an ebb and flow period. I would just be worried down the line what will happen when the both of you are in a down period (which has to happen) and she does not feel as close to you as she wants. Her pattern was to seek out someone else. I just think patterns are generally difficult to change. Be wary. Link to post Share on other sites
InLimbo2 Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 If she's an adult - and her boyfriend was 32 years older than her - ever think that possibly she was in her sexual prime and he was in the downhill slide - and she went to others just for sex - but is afraid that will make her sound even more slutty than you already do? Link to post Share on other sites
memorex1970 Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 Jim, Ive just come out of a relationship with issues almost the same as yours! I have no proof that my ex was cheating but I wouldnt be surprised if she was. She had a very shady/colourful past...heres the list and she was quite open and honest about it all and said the same to me, she regretted it,she cant change the past....here goes.... she said she lost count of how many guys shes been with but knows its 70 plus(she is 31 years old) She cheated on her ex husband with his boss(they only lasted 4 months) Her 9 year old daughter was the result of a one night stand. Her best friend is a 51 year old male whom she slept with 5 years ago behind his partners back, she sees him daily without the knowledge of his new partner. She had a threesome with her female friend and another male 4 weeks before we met. Shes slept with this same female friend on two occasions. She gave me an STD the first time we got close! When I was away she had a guy round who delivered a washing machine(was a friend of a friend,to her not me),problem is this guy stayed on after delivering the washing machine and they had a takaway and watched a DVD, he was there from 6pm until late evening, totally disrespectful and one of the reasons I left her. I was only with this woman for 3 months. Id say be wary,I tried to think well its just her past but in the end I just became another on the list. She told me I was the one,she'd never known a love like it ect ect...turned out to be a waste of my time in the end. Sorry if this puts a dampner on your thoughts, just dont go getting hurt. Good luck and take care. Nick Link to post Share on other sites
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