I want my ex-girlfriend back...

[Kamille]

Did you hear from her on thanksgiving?

[pjammer]

Did you hear from her on thanksgiving?

no...pretty dissapointed about that...

[hollywood24]

If you did not hear from her on thanksgiving, then she is DEFINITELY NOT ready to give you a second chance right now. Think of it this way. As of right now there is no relationship. But possibly in a couple months there will be a chance. But if you give her the scrap book now, (or at any time in my opinion) it's just going to show weakness and bring up the past. Which I think will blow your chances. The best thing to do is try to start over. Do what worked in the beginning, forget about tryin to "patch things up". There shouldn't be anything to patch up if you guys agree to talk about a second try. Start fresh, talking about, or bringing up past mistakes, will only bring bad memories and make it worse. I'm going through a similar situation right now, and it is very hard.

 

Not to hi-jack your thread or anything, but I ****ed up, in similar ways that you did (but there was nothing I never kinda told her, and kinda didn't) but I wont go into details, as this isn't MY help thread lol.

 

To relate to you: In the first week and maybe a little of the second week, she would call me to make sure I was ok if I was going out, and would always IM me on AIM as soon as I logged on and stuff, (this was before I said maybe we should get back together). To make a long story short, I pushed it a little to much (after asking her to get back together) and now she is scared to get hurt again (about 1 1/2 - 2 weeks into the breakup, when I asked her about getting back together, she was scared like she is now, but sounded like she was really thinking about it, then I said wait (for her sake, I didn't want her to go through so much in such a short amount of time etc...), now I'm saying we should again etc...what a dumbass) now she just wants to wait, if we're meant to be, we will someday, she still really cares about me, wants me to get a job, my life together etc (she told me she was head over heels for me, and she really really really liked me a lot from the begining). But she is very hurt, as I am also. The main thing I am scared about is her finding someone else

 

Pardon my hi-jacking , I was just trying to show you how our situations relate, so you can better understand what I am trying to tell you. So what I'm trying to show you from all this, and you already know, is contact to early will **** your chances in the end. I'm starting NC today, as you guys call it, it's gonna be rough, but I'm gonna get my life back together etc. (currently jobless, but there's reasons for it, she's familiar with it etc..) One of the things a women consciously, and subconsciously needs, is security. Financial being the main one; will he be able to support me? Himself? A family? Is he confident in himself; e.g. getting over it and starting over with her, getting yourself back together and in shape etc. I could go on and on but I think you get the point.

 

Well this whole thread sure helped me a LOT, and my own post has even help me so much. Funny how helping someone with your knowledge and opinions, also helps your own situation. Don't be a wuss about anything when you talk to her, if she wanted anything other than a strong confident man, she'd be a lesbian. Just be yourself, and try to treat the situation like you are trying to date her for the first time again, to help with the whole starting over aspect, and to remind her of how much she really likes you, or show her what she really likes about you (what do you guys think about that???) Good luck with everything, and I hope it works out for the best bud!

[Kamille]

I'm sorry to hear that you didn't hear from her, mate.

 

I don't really understand why she wouldn't respond - so I'm not going to venture anything. But keep going. You're doing reallly well.

 

(although if i were to venture anything it would be to say that this probably means that she's not over you because if she were, why wouldn't she answer your text? but that's just pure conjecture.)

[pjammer]

If you did not hear from her on thanksgiving, then she is DEFINITELY NOT ready to give you a second chance right now. Think of it this way. As of right now there is no relationship. But possibly in a couple months there will be a chance. But if you give her the scrap book now, (or at any time in my opinion) it's just going to show weakness and bring up the past. Which I think will blow your chances. The best thing to do is try to start over. Do what worked in the beginning, forget about tryin to "patch things up". There shouldn't be anything to patch up if you guys agree to talk about a second try. Start fresh, talking about, or bringing up past mistakes, will only bring bad memories and make it worse. I'm going through a similar situation right now, and it is very hard.

 

Not to hi-jack your thread or anything, but I ****ed up, in similar ways that you did (but there was nothing I never kinda told her, and kinda didn't) but I wont go into details, as this isn't MY help thread lol.

 

To relate to you: In the first week and maybe a little of the second week, she would call me to make sure I was ok if I was going out, and would always IM me on AIM as soon as I logged on and stuff, (this was before I said maybe we should get back together). To make a long story short, I pushed it a little to much (after asking her to get back together) and now she is scared to get hurt again (about 1 1/2 - 2 weeks into the breakup, when I asked her about getting back together, she was scared like she is now, but sounded like she was really thinking about it, then I said wait (for her sake, I didn't want her to go through so much in such a short amount of time etc...), now I'm saying we should again etc...what a dumbass) now she just wants to wait, if we're meant to be, we will someday, she still really cares about me, wants me to get a job, my life together etc (she told me she was head over heels for me, and she really really really liked me a lot from the begining). But she is very hurt, as I am also. The main thing I am scared about is her finding someone else

 

Pardon my hi-jacking , I was just trying to show you how our situations relate, so you can better understand what I am trying to tell you. So what I'm trying to show you from all this, and you already know, is contact to early will **** your chances in the end. I'm starting NC today, as you guys call it, it's gonna be rough, but I'm gonna get my life back together etc. (currently jobless, but there's reasons for it, she's familiar with it etc..) One of the things a women consciously, and subconsciously needs, is security. Financial being the main one; will he be able to support me? Himself? A family? Is he confident in himself; e.g. getting over it and starting over with her, getting yourself back together and in shape etc. I could go on and on but I think you get the point.

 

Well this whole thread sure helped me a LOT, and my own post has even help me so much. Funny how helping someone with your knowledge and opinions, also helps your own situation. Don't be a wuss about anything when you talk to her, if she wanted anything other than a strong confident man, she'd be a lesbian. Just be yourself, and try to treat the situation like you are trying to date her for the first time again, to help with the whole starting over aspect, and to remind her of how much she really likes you, or show her what she really likes about you (what do you guys think about that???) Good luck with everything, and I hope it works out for the best bud!

I apprecaite the advice, as you are right. To be honest, I dont know why she didnt contact me. I mean, to me, she's acting like I chated on her or killed someone. I just dont understand why she cant talk to me. We were so close, and now she cant even wish me a Happy thanksgiving. But how can I be confident and honest with her if she wont even talk to me?

[pjammer]

I'm sorry to hear that you didn't hear from her, mate.

 

I don't really understand why she wouldn't respond - so I'm not going to venture anything. But keep going. You're doing reallly well.

 

(although if i were to venture anything it would be to say that this probably means that she's not over you because if she were, why wouldn't she answer your text? but that's just pure conjecture.)

Thanks Kam,

 

Yea, i really dont know why she wouldnt either. I guess, like hollywood said, she isnt ready to talk or give me a 2nd chance right now. But of course, in my mind, I feel like she will never contact me again, which, not to play a pun, but 'doesnt fit the crime.' I know what I did wrong, and all I want is to correct it, and show her I have gotten my life back together. I got a job, and ive done tons to work on myself. And I know she really cares for me because she would say so, and she sent me cards in the mail the entire time we were together saying how happy she was and how great a guy I was. I guess I am just really confused. And to me, the longer I stay in NC, the less my chances are.

 

I dunno, maybe that's not true, and Ive never been in this situation before either. In my past 2 real relationships, I didnt have 1/10 of the feelings toward the girls as I do with her. And one break-up was mutual, and the other, well, she cheated on me (with my roommate) and lied about it. Right now, I am just confused. And I dont know what to do with the book I made. I made it throughout the entire time we were together, and was planning on giving it to her for Christmas or on our 1st anniversary. It doesnt bring up anything bad - just the good times we shared together, and just the overall feeling I have towards her. I think I am still going to send it to her for Christmas. I dont think it will do any harm, and I dont know if it will do any good. But it is doing nothing right now, just sitting in my room. I feel that she needs to know exactly how I feel about her, because I didnt really spell it all out for her when we were together. Right now, I just dont know what to do...

[hollywood24]

I apprecaite the advice, as you are right. To be honest, I dont know why she didnt contact me. I mean, to me, she's acting like I chated on her or killed someone. I just dont understand why she cant talk to me. We were so close, and now she cant even wish me a Happy thanksgiving. But how can I be confident and honest with her if she wont even talk to me?

 

 

If, and when you talk to her again, is when you have to have confidence.

[pjammer]

If, and when you talk to her again, is when you have to have confidence.

So do I just wait to hear from her? Or should I contact her when I am ready? This is the part that confuses me...

[hollywood24]

So do I just wait to hear from her? Or should I contact her when I am ready? This is the part that confuses me...

 

If you don't wait for her, you will be breaking NC, and we all know the consequences of that.

[pjammer]

If you don't wait for her, you will be breaking NC, and we all know the consequences of that.

***sigh***

 

So I guess I broke NC by texting her, wishing her a Happy Thanksgiving...well I guess I have to start over. I dunno, in my mind (and I am a pessimist mind you), I just feel she will never get in touch with me, even though I know she still cares. I dont know why I think this way. I think it is just because when I get my hopes up, nothing ever goes my way.

[AriaIncognito]

pjammer,

 

don't get down on yourself for breaking NC. Yes, you broke it, and you didn't get the desired result. Try to do your best to pick up where you left off, and continue all the great work you are doing on yourself. You sound like you are really looking into yourself and learning from this, and that's great. You should continue with this, and eventually, you'll be the person you want to be, for yourself. And then you'll be ready to be with someone, be it her, or someone even greater.

[pjammer]

pjammer,

 

don't get down on yourself for breaking NC. Yes, you broke it, and you didn't get the desired result. Try to do your best to pick up where you left off, and continue all the great work you are doing on yourself. You sound like you are really looking into yourself and learning from this, and that's great. You should continue with this, and eventually, you'll be the person you want to be, for yourself. And then you'll be ready to be with someone, be it her, or someone even greater.

thanks for the support...yes, I know I am working hard on myself, and I am dissapointed that she didnt contact me back, that does hurt a little. I dunno, maybe she just isnt ready to talk yet. I just hope that she does atleast give me a chance to see how I have changed, and that I am a better person because of all of this.

[pjammer]

pjammer,

 

don't get down on yourself for breaking NC. Yes, you broke it, and you didn't get the desired result. Try to do your best to pick up where you left off, and continue all the great work you are doing on yourself. You sound like you are really looking into yourself and learning from this, and that's great. You should continue with this, and eventually, you'll be the person you want to be, for yourself. And then you'll be ready to be with someone, be it her, or someone even greater.

thanks for the support...yes, I know I am working hard on myself, and I am dissapointed that she didnt contact me back, that does hurt a little. I dunno, maybe she just isnt ready to talk yet. I just hope that she does atleast give me a chance to see how I have changed, and that I am a better person because of all of this.

[pjammer]

Well I finally broke down and sent the things to her - the book I was writing, picture in a frame of us, and a short and simple card. I know technically this breaks NC, but I felt I had to do it sooner or later. Do I think it will do anything? Probably not. But if there is any chance I am willing to take it. THe book just had memories of things we did together, and how I felt about her, which I dont think I justly told her completely while we were together. Obviously I will be bummed out if she doesnt get in touch with me after getting this, but what else can I do? I still love her very much, and I cant stop thinking about her. Also, just having all of this stuff in my room was just hanging over my head. So I felt it was best to just send it.

[notmakingsense]

I think it is good that you sent her the stuff because it is now out of your sight, but I'm afraid that continuing to contact her will only cause more pain for you in the long run.

 

You have no hope of making something happen again with her unless you focus on yourself, keep up the no contact, and move on. It is the act of separating from her and becoming independant that will probably be the only chance of making you attractive in her eyes again.

 

BUT BE WARNED, she may not come back anyway. Look at it this way, keeping no-contact and focusing on yourself is a win-win situation: (a) You win if you eventually don't care if she comes back and you are meeting other people and having fun, or (b) You win if she comes back and the two of you are able to re-build a relationship.

[pjammer]

I think it is good that you sent her the stuff because it is now out of your sight, but I'm afraid that continuing to contact her will only cause more pain for you in the long run.

 

You have no hope of making something happen again with her unless you focus on yourself, keep up the no contact, and move on. It is the act of separating from her and becoming independant that will probably be the only chance of making you attractive in her eyes again.

 

BUT BE WARNED, she may not come back anyway. Look at it this way, keeping no-contact and focusing on yourself is a win-win situation: (a) You win if you eventually don't care if she comes back and you are meeting other people and having fun, or (b) You win if she comes back and the two of you are able to re-build a relationship.

I understand completely what you are saying, but as I feel right now, I feel it cant do any harm one way or another. And I have not really continued to contact her. Havent called her for about 6 weeks, and only sent her 2 txt messages the past 2 months (one was just to wish Happy thanksgiving). I am staying strong, and I have completely worked on myself, and solved some problems I had with myself that led to the break-up in the first place.

 

But I just feel, if I dont contact her at all, she will just think I have moved on and completely forget about me, which I obviously dont want. That is the one thing about NC I dont understand. I know she still cares about me (she even said so when we broke up), and she even said that she cant predict the future, and we may reconnect later on. So I dont know what to think. I am actually glad I sent her these things, even if she doesnt get in touch with me. I know she likes the small things I did, and this was my way of showing her how much I knew that. It is just ashame I couldnt give it to her under normal conditions (us still being together), because I had been working on this book the entire time we were together. It IS NOT just a desperate attempt to get her back after she broke-up with me.

[notmakingsense]

Remember, NC is for YOU, not for her or for the relationship. Every time you contact her, it hurts you when she doesn't respond. NC is designed to help you heal with your dignity intact.

 

Don't be worried that she will forget about you. She knows you still love her and that you miss her. The best thing that could possibly happen now is if she DOES think you are moving on -- even better if you are ACTUALLY moving on!

 

Very often, it is the mere act of moving on that causes exes to come crawling back. But it is hard to fake -- so do whatever it takes to shake her and start having fun with others.

 

If she doesn't try to contact you, then you will be sure that she doesn't want you bad enough for anything work in the long run. You've been doing all the trying, now its her turn.

 

OK, I've given it my best attempt to dissuade you. I am speaking from lots of experience. Iv'e done what you are doing -- and it doesn't work. I've made the same mistake many times over and painfully proven to myself that the best course of action is NC followed by rebuilding your self-esteem, confidence, and ability to have fun without "needing" a girlfriend. The funny thing is, that when you get to that point, thats when ex-gf's and new gf's alike start crawling out of the woodwork!

[Kamille]

Hi PJammer, well you had given yourself until now to send her the gifts. So congratulations on making it this long. And I guess like notmakingsense pointed out, this will be a step in your process of letting go.

[pjammer]

Remember, NC is for YOU, not for her or for the relationship. Every time you contact her, it hurts you when she doesn't respond. NC is designed to help you heal with your dignity intact.

 

Don't be worried that she will forget about you. She knows you still love her and that you miss her. The best thing that could possibly happen now is if she DOES think you are moving on -- even better if you are ACTUALLY moving on!

 

Very often, it is the mere act of moving on that causes exes to come crawling back. But it is hard to fake -- so do whatever it takes to shake her and start having fun with others.

 

If she doesn't try to contact you, then you will be sure that she doesn't want you bad enough for anything work in the long run. You've been doing all the trying, now its her turn.

 

OK, I've given it my best attempt to dissuade you. I am speaking from lots of experience. Iv'e done what you are doing -- and it doesn't work. I've made the same mistake many times over and painfully proven to myself that the best course of action is NC followed by rebuilding your self-esteem, confidence, and ability to have fun without "needing" a girlfriend. The funny thing is, that when you get to that point, thats when ex-gf's and new gf's alike start crawling out of the woodwork!

I know I know, what you are saying is right and makes a lot of sense. I have been concentrating on myself, and doing things for myself, and I have moved on some. But I still think about her all the time. I will take your advice, and remain in NC until she contacts me.

[pjammer]

Hi PJammer, well you had given yourself until now to send her the gifts. So congratulations on making it this long. And I guess like notmakingsense pointed out, this will be a step in your process of letting go.

Thanks Kamille,

 

Yes, I have been holding out, and I am proud of myself for even going this long without calling/emailing her - it has been really hard. But to be honest, I dont want to just let go. I know what everyone is saying, and that it is for MY own good, not for the relationship. And that if she still cares about and loves me, she will be the one to make contact again. But it is so damn difficult to try and let go when I do love her so much.

 

I said it before, but it is so true - it is amazing how much you can fall for someone in such a 'short' period of time (we were together 8 months, but it felt like years).

[Kamille]

pjammer - you really sound like a smart guy. Make sure you know when to stop hanging on, ok? We have more then one soulmate out there, of this I am sure. I guess that is why I'm proud that a lot of the things you are doing are helping you learn about yourself. Appreciate that someone like your ex has opened your eyes and set you on this path, but I think now is time to consider maybe you have to stop hoping for a second chance.

[pjammer]

pjammer - you really sound like a smart guy. Make sure you know when to stop hanging on, ok? We have more then one soulmate out there, of this I am sure. I guess that is why I'm proud that a lot of the things you are doing are helping you learn about yourself. Appreciate that someone like your ex has opened your eyes and set you on this path, but I think now is time to consider maybe you have to stop hoping for a second chance.

Well it's hard to just stop 'hanging on.' I dont necessarily think I am hanging out, but I am trying to be as optomistic about the situation as possible. I am not holding out hope or anything. I am improving myself, doing things for myself, and working on anything and everything to led to all of this mess. If she eventually wants to see that in me again, that would be great. If not, then what can I do? Nothing. She knows exactly how I feel, and how I felt about her the whole time we were together, and all I can do is worry about myself, and hopefully she will respond.

 

btw, thanks for saying I sound like a smart guy. I think I am, I just made some stupid-ass mistakes to lead to this mess. I just would like the chance to make up for them...

[theadventure50120]

I just made some stupid-ass mistakes to lead to this mess. I just would like the chance to make up for them...

 

Everyone makes the same mistakes , don't know what you had until it's gone.

 

You sent her that book thing you were talking about? Well if you were putting it together while you were together then maybe it was a good idea to send her it , but if she isn't with you now why would she want to look at pictures of you two together? That is an attempt to make her realize what you two had really , wasn't it? Be honest.

 

I know this is hard but you tried to win her back , hasn't worked. The only way if any that she will is when you clearly have moved on. You still care if she comes back or not. You need to stop thinking like that , your not indifferent yet , therefore if you do see her again your going to be hurt.

[pjammer]

Well I am assuming she got all the stuff by now (sent it on Monday). No response yet. But to be honest, I didn't do it to get a response. I did it because I wanted to show her 1 more time how much she means to me, that I do love her, and how sorry I truly am. I would much rather do it in person, but I am just going to let things sit where they are, and try my best to move on for myself. If she never responds, so be it - I can't control what she does, but atleast she will know exactly how I feel, and how I felt the whole time we were together...

[BannaBee57]

I think you did the right thing. You had to put in this one last bit of effort or I think you would have been dwelling on it for a very long time. It's OK buddy. Now it's time to let go and start thinking about numero uno. Good luck!