My life is un-freaking-believeable!

[Guest]

I don't know what to do, or how to feel. This is so pathetic. I have been friends with this boy for over seven years. We have been through a lot together; I love him dearly as a friend. We dated for a while, but things didn't work, for various reasons (mostly family issues). However, that was ages ago. He recently got married. He wanted his wife and I to meet and get to know eachother, so we all went out a few weeks ago. I had a good time; his wife and I have a lot in common; she is a nice woman.

 

Okay, so now for the issue: I love him. I have loved him for the past 7 years, but didn't realize it until I couldn't have him. We have been seeing each other and messing around now for a month or two; he has been married for five months now, and dating this girl for four years. After months of messing around, he calls me and says, "Oh, I feel so guilty for everything that has happened between us...I still want you in my life as a friend...you know I care about you, but I am with (my wife)...I won't cheat on her, nor will I make you my mistress...blah, blah, blah." What is worse: he keeps blaming himself, "Oh, this is all my fault. I am sorry, okay? I am always sorry, because I always ruin your life." Okay, so I don't know what to do. I love him, and I don't know that I can just be his friend; I really don't. I have done things with him/for him that I have never done for anyone. I mean, Christ, SEVEN YEARS. It isn't fair. I am SO pissed, and not very rational right now. I think I may do something really stupid, and I need some support here.

 

So, PLEASE, I am begging you: give me some advice! How do I forget about him? I know he will keep calling me; we are friends, after all. Should I answer? Should I just forget him? I don't want to though; I mean, I LOVE him. I am a rational person. I know what I should do, but I need advice from people who have been in similar situations. Please HELP!!

[joriel]

wow. that's a pretty hardcore situation you've got there. I feel for you. Love has handed you a pretty raw deal and you've gotten yourself into quite a pickle. I'm sorry.

 

And now for the bad news...If you and your friend have been messing around since he's been married then yes, he has already cheated on his wife. Now he feels guilty and wants to have his cake and eat it too (ie. keep his wife and keep his friend). As much as it's going to suck and you're going to feel like crap, you need to run like hell to the nearest exit.

 

You have no control over whether he talks this out with his wife or not but if she ever finds out then your friendship and his marriage will be screwed anyway. I know that you love him but HE decided that HE loved HER enough to MARRY HER. HE decided that YOU were a good enough friend for him to mess around with...do you see the difference.

 

Like I said, I'm sorry that you're feeling like crap now but YOU need to cut bait and go home. This is just an unhealthy relationship spiraling downhill...

[ddnnee]

you aren't alone. I've seen many girls who has a guy but doesn't know what they have until they lose him and find that he was the one. Happens often because most girls don't know what they want.

 

In reality, you probably don't love him as lovers because if you had, you may have realized it long ago and wouldn't let him go. You only love him as a FRIEND - the friendzone. He realizes this and let you go and found someone else. If I were in his position, then I would have done the same thing.

 

at least now you get to experience this problem and prevent it in the future. It is better if you leave him alone so that you will not wreck his marriage. If you truely love him, you would let him go so he can be happy with his wife.

[BabyPhoenix]

As much as it's going to suck and you're going to feel like crap, you need to run like hell to the nearest exit.

 

I agree. You must start immediate No Contact. Really.

 

You are both deceiving this poor woman, who has only been married for 5 months! You are not responsible in any way for your friend's behaviour, but you most certainly are for yours. Unless your friend and his wife have an open marriage, then your actions, morally speaking - are wrong. In my opinion, its time to set your own feelings aside, and think about the potential pain you are causing the new bride.

 

I am not saying this to minimize your feelings whatsoever. I am sure you are indeed in love with this man. However, the reality is that you cannot have him the way you want. So the best solution, to cause as little heart-ache as possible for all involved, is to cut off all contact with them both - immediately.

 

It will be hard, but you are ultimately responsible for your own actions, and for your own happiness. There are no happy endings for anyone in this circumstance. Make a better life for your own good.

[Guest]

God, I know you guys are right, but it is just so hard.

 

Joriel, I understand what you are saying regarding his marrying her. But you see, he chased after me for YEARS, I said no. I wanted to just be friends, and now that he is married, I realize I made a wrong choice. I am planning on taking your running advice though...I don't think it would be right for me to stay around knowing how I feel about it.

 

BabyPhoenix, I know what happened between us (since he has been married) is morally wrong, and I feel horrid. I just really care for him, and at the time, I wasn't being very rational. God, I want the "happy ending"...

 

ddnnee, you might be right; I love him so dearly as a friend. Maybe I just feel that now that he is married he isn't "mine" any more. We were eachothers support; we tell each other everything. I mean, he still tells me things that he has never told anyone (including his current wife). I know him...I want him to be mine. I know that is selfish. I wish I would have accepted that I liked him years ago; I just didn't want to chance losing a friend.

 

How does one go about the NC? I have never just dropped a friend before; should I tell him why, or should I just stop talking to him with no explanation? I don't think I can do it...isn't there any other way?

 

Thank you all for your comments; I really appreciate it!

[BabyPhoenix]

How does one go about the NC? I have never just dropped a friend before; should I tell him why, or should I just stop talking to him with no explanation?

 

I believe that you should tell him the truth about your feelings, and why you have decided to go the No Contact route. Make it crystal clear that you want to end things with him, and that NC is the best way for all persons involved.

 

I don't think I can do it...

 

Yes, you can do it.

 

isn't there any other way?

Perhaps there are other ways, but I believe that they will all lead back to the same thing: the dissolution of your friendship in this form.

 

Even if you become a true friend to him in the future (which might be possible) you must sever all romantic, emotional ties to him right now. This way, you can put and end to those feelings, and perhaps allow yourself to be open to the possibility of loving someone else. In a few years, if you feel that it is something you can handle on a platonic level, then yes, maybe the two of you can be true friends.

 

For now, though, here are some handy tips to No Contact:

 

1. Erase all of his numbers from your cell and home phones

2. Erase them from your Contacts in Outlook, or other address box info.

3. Don’t answer any of his calls.

4. Make time for yourself. Think of this as time for self-exploration and personal growth.

[Guest]

I don't know what to do, or how to feel. This is so pathetic. I have been friends with this boy for over seven years. We have been through a lot together; I love him dearly as a friend. We dated for a while, but things didn't work, for various reasons (mostly family issues). However, that was ages ago. He recently got married. He wanted his wife and I to meet and get to know eachother, so we all went out a few weeks ago. I had a good time; his wife and I have a lot in common; she is a nice woman.

 

Okay, so now for the issue: I love him. I have loved him for the past 7 years, but didn't realize it until I couldn't have him. We have been seeing each other and messing around now for a month or two; he has been married for five months now, and dating this girl for four years. After months of messing around, he calls me and says, "Oh, I feel so guilty for everything that has happened between us...I still want you in my life as a friend...you know I care about you, but I am with (my wife)...I won't cheat on her, nor will I make you my mistress...blah, blah, blah." What is worse: he keeps blaming himself, "Oh, this is all my fault. I am sorry, okay? I am always sorry, because I always ruin your life." Okay, so I don't know what to do. I love him, and I don't know that I can just be his friend; I really don't. I have done things with him/for him that I have never done for anyone. I mean, Christ, SEVEN YEARS. It isn't fair. I am SO pissed, and not very rational right now. I think I may do something really stupid, and I need some support here.

 

So, PLEASE, I am begging you: give me some advice! How do I forget about him? I know he will keep calling me; we are friends, after all. Should I answer? Should I just forget him? I don't want to though; I mean, I LOVE him. I am a rational person. I know what I should do, but I need advice from people who have been in similar situations. Please HELP!!

 

You need to let him go 100 percent asap. No contact, no nothing at all period. Someone else will come along for you. If his wife finds out about you two, how do you think she would feel??? devastated for sure. Dont bring that pain upon someone else, dont do it, please. Tell him he is married and that is just the way it has to be, over. Men always think of women as more than "just friends" and they always will. If they dont, then they are gay. Be the upstanding person you are and tell him to blow, have a nice life, sianara.

You can do it.

[Guest]

Okay, so I had decided to try the no contact, but the very next day, my phone rang, and out of habit, I picked it up (actually, I was half-asleep; it was 8 in the morning on Saturday; so, I didn't even think when I answered). So, he wants to have lunch. We haven't seen each other in awhile, and so I said yes, so that I could talk with him about why I couldn't talk to him anymore...haha, funny really. Okay, so we go to lunch and we have a great time. His wife was supposed to meet us, but she called and said she couldn't make it; we had such a great time. Anyway, so our song (from when we dated) came on the radio, and we both cracked up...it was just too much. I mean, nothing physical happened, but we had such good conversation, and such a good time, that I couldn't tell him. I mean, is it so bad that I want him in my life?

 

AHHHHGH! This is KILLING me! So, later that day (actually 2 am--when he got off work), he calls me and says what a great time he had, and we spoke for another half-hour or so. I mean, we talk about everything, from our (seperate) sex lives to philosophy. It is so wonderful talking to him. I mean, we haven't done anything physical...so why should I give up this wonderful connection? Am I just being selfish? I really care about him. I KNOW it's selfish, so I don't know why I am asking...God, I just don't know what to do?

[BabyPhoenix]

I mean, is it so bad that I want him in my life?

 

Yes…. Because of this:

 

AHHHHGH! This is KILLING me!

 

 

I mean, we talk about everything, from our (seperate) sex lives to philosophy. It is so wonderful talking to him. I mean, we haven't done anything physical...so why should I give up this wonderful connection?

 

Because you are having an emotional affair with a married man.

 

I don’t doubt that what you feel is real, and I am sure your feelings are valid. However, you are becoming the Other Woman (OW). Is that something you really want to be?

 

Am I just being selfish?

Yes, you are.

 

But that is understandable. But perhaps be selfish in another way: you need to prioritize your current and future mental health. A relationship with a married man, no matter how amazing the connection, is a relationship based on deceit. You will never be number one. Is that what you want in your future?

 

Do you think he is willing to leave his wife for you?

 

I still maintain that you need to implement NC. It is the best thing for you.

[blue16]

Men always think of women as more than "just friends" and they always will. If they dont, then they are gay.

 

that's quite an outrageous statement...but it's actually pretty darn true.

[Mary3]

I would NOT want a guy who is messing around with my head after 5 months of marraige with someone else !

 

He needs to get clear about his marraige , stay away from you ( because you can't be friends right now ) and he does NOT need to cheat on his wife.

 

Its called D I V O R C E . He needs to get one if he wants you back.

 

Until then...Hands Off !