Compromise....His

[In love with Bob]

We were going to be celebrating a 2 yr relationship, but he has ended it. It starts with my birds, son, and his temper. I have exotic birds, which he is allergic to,so he moved out and won't see an allergist. I love them dearly, but in the past year or so, I have not had much time for them. My son, who is 18 lives with me, and is basically living here, no job, not much help around the house. I am trying to help my son get motivated, and it is just starting to work. He found a job. The birds, well I am looking for a job where I will have the time, and not travel. Bob,has trouble keeping a job. He has temper flareups, panic attacks, and basically has been told to leave his current job. He threw a monitor on the floor, smashed his phone, etc. He wants me to throw my son out, get rid of my birds, and buy a house together....My thoughts..he needs to get a hold of his temper, panic attacks, and hold a steady job. We then can buy the house, the birds will have their own room, and there will be plenty of space. His compromise...I get rid of all my birds, my son, and we will supposedly live happy ever after.What do you think?

[midori]

Easier and better to get rid of Bob, no?

 

It's your home. Your son. Your birds. Who is this guy, that he thinks he can bully you into doing what he wants (and what does he bring into the bargain, I'd like to know, a grown man who loses his job because of temper tantrums?)? Yikes! He already sounds incredibly presumptuous and borderline abusive. I think it would be an enormous mistake to move in with him. I frankly can't imagine wanting to stay with someone who doesn't respect my relationship with my child, and who can't control himself like a reasonable adult. Better to be alone than to have a middle-aged, out-of-work, grumpy, controlling and aggressive partner. Ironic, isn't it, that he can't control himself but wants to control you, that he criticizes your lazy son but can't keep a job himself?

 

Yikes!!!! Obviously you don't mind cleaning up your birds' excrement, but why would you want to take any from this loser?

[Angel]

Sounds like you need to get rid of him -- he is a loser. If your son is well-behaved and going to school and doing well---he should be your number 1 concern. The birds---it is hard to live in a house when you are allergic to things---I vote for keeping the son and the birds!

 

***red flag@#$@@@$

 

"he has a hard time keeping a job"

We were going to be celebrating a 2 yr relationship, but he has ended it. It starts with my birds, son, and his temper. I have exotic birds, which he is allergic to,so he moved out and won't see an allergist. I love them dearly, but in the past year or so, I have not had much time for them. My son, who is 18 lives with me, and is basically living here, no job, not much help around the house. I am trying to help my son get motivated, and it is just starting to work. He found a job. The birds, well I am looking for a job where I will have the time, and not travel. Bob,has trouble keeping a job. He has temper flareups, panic attacks, and basically has been told to leave his current job. He threw a monitor on the floor, smashed his phone, etc. He wants me to throw my son out, get rid of my birds, and buy a house together....My thoughts..he needs to get a hold of his temper, panic attacks, and hold a steady job. We then can buy the house, the birds will have their own room, and there will be plenty of space. His compromise...I get rid of all my birds, my son, and we will supposedly live happy ever after.What do you think?

[anonymous]

First of all, don't EVER get rid of your birds (or any pet) for a man. And don't let anyone make you feel that if you don't get rid of them, that you're being selfish and uncaring. It's unfortunate that BOB has allergies to them, but the way he's carrying on, I don't see you being together too much longer.

 

He obviously has no respect in the world for your commitment to your pets. There's a big warning sign. He obviously thinks pets are disposable and that you can just 'get rid of them' at the drop of a hat...with no understanding that these birds are a part of your life and family and you care about them. Bob is a moron.

 

Frankly, I've never heard of anyone being allergic to birds of any kind before. Are you sure he really IS allergic to them? Has he complained of being allergic to them the entire time you've had them or did this 'allergies thing' just start recently? What are his actual SYMPTOMS? I ask because it sounds to me like he's the kind of guy who's JEALOUS of anyone or anything that you might give some attention to (your son, the birds) and that he's full of sh*t and saying he's allergic to the birds. The fact that he refuses to go to an allergist (maybe the allergen is something else in your home, did Bob the Brainsurgeon ever think of that?) Sorry, but I have truly never heard of anyone having allergies to birds. I assume their in a cage most of the time too?

 

The fact that he has these temper tantrums, panic attacks, the fact that he's about to lose his job......you sure he's not mentally ill? At best, he's not a stable individual. What kind of man tosses a computer monitor on the floor at work? Frankly, he sounds insane.

 

He also sounds like the kind of man who has the very real propensity to be an abuser. Maybe he's so anxious to get your son out of the house because then he can really "be himself" around you (be abusive, etc). I'm talking physical abuse here.....cuz he's already abusing you emotionally. He's making you feel badly because you have pets and because you have a CHILD still living at home. What the f**k is it to him about your son being there? I didn't gather from your post that you 2 live together now so it's really none of his business. Any man who tries to force/coerce/guilt/control/manipulate his partner into ditching her child is a loser, and someone to be avoided at all costs.

 

And don't even THINK about living together and buying a home together. The guy can't even keep a job, can't even control himself at work.....do you really want to be stuck living with a 'timebomb' who will not be able to contribute to the costs of owning a home? (mortgage, maintenance, etc)

 

The guy needs some kind of therapy or counseling. He's not "right" upstairs. Plus he's very selfish and childish.

 

Has he always been this way?

 

And his idea of a 'compromise' is a total farce.....that a compromise would be for you to get rid of son and birds. Now how the hell is that a compromise? That would be YOU making a SACRIFICE.

 

The guy sounds like a total loser, no offense. A very insecure, selfish, possessive one at that. I wish you'd reconsider this relationship all together.

[In Love with Bob]

First of all, don't EVER get rid of your birds (or any pet) for a man. And don't let anyone make you feel that if you don't get rid of them, that you're being selfish and uncaring. It's unfortunate that BOB has allergies to them, but the way he's carrying on, I don't see you being together too much longer.

I hand raised one bird, and the others were rescues...I also have 3 cats, that have grown up with my son. It made me so depressed to think of not having them.

He obviously has no respect in the world for your commitment to your pets. There's a big warning sign. He obviously thinks pets are disposable and that you can just 'get rid of them' at the drop of a hat...with no understanding that these birds are a part of your life and family and you care about them. Bob is a moron.

 

The 3 large birds I have, are bonded to me. They get all mushy even when I walk into a the room. My son doesn't particularly care a lot about them, but he feels it's my house, and I should be able to have them.

Frankly, I've never heard of anyone being allergic to birds of any kind before. Are you sure he really IS allergic to them? Has he complained of being allergic to them the entire time you've had them or did this 'allergies thing' just start recently? What are his actual SYMPTOMS? I ask because it sounds to me like he's the kind of guy who's JEALOUS of anyone or anything that you might give some attention to (your son, the birds) and that he's full of sh*t and saying he's allergic to the birds. The fact that he refuses to go to an allergist (maybe the allergen is something else in your home, did Bob the Brainsurgeon ever think of that?) Sorry, but I have truly never heard of anyone having allergies to birds. I assume their in a cage most of the time too?

 

They are in the cage when he comes over...he said he even hates the site of them, and when the cockatiels start singing he tells them to shutup. The bird dust is what he says he is alergic to.

The fact that he has these temper tantrums, panic attacks, the fact that he's about to lose his job......you sure he's not mentally ill? At best, he's not a stable individual. What kind of man tosses a computer monitor on the floor at work? Frankly, he sounds insane.

He has had these fits at work twice...frankly, it worries me too. He also smashed his phone, and keyboard. He says that he would never hurt me...I should give him at least that benefit of the doubt.

He also sounds like the kind of man who has the very real propensity to be an abuser. Maybe he's so anxious to get your son out of the house because then he can really "be himself" around you (be abusive, etc). I'm talking physical abuse here.....cuz he's already abusing you emotionally. He's making you feel badly because you have pets and because you have a CHILD still living at home. What the f**k is it to him about your son being there? I didn't gather from your post that you 2 live together now so it's really none of his business. Any man who tries to force/coerce/guilt/control/manipulate his partner into ditching her child is a loser, and someone to be avoided at all costs.

My son is 18, and has Graves disease...makes him sick a lot, even after he takes his medication. He and I don't always get along, but we have a special bond. Bob thinks cause he is 18, he needs to get out in the world and experience life on his own. I don't think he is ready. My son is also learning disabled, and has had a hard time in school. He just found a job, so that is one step towards his independance.

And don't even THINK about living together and buying a home together. The guy can't even keep a job, can't even control himself at work.....do you really want to be stuck living with a 'timebomb' who will not be able to contribute to the costs of owning a home? (mortgage, maintenance, etc)

I told him that I would not buy a house unless he got his job situation together...He is a good worker, but he gets very stressed out easily.

The guy needs some kind of therapy or counseling. He's not "right" upstairs. Plus he's very selfish and childish. Has he always been this way?

 

He has started this about 3 months ago....he is getting more depressed than not. He says that he doesn't know why this is happening to him...

And his idea of a 'compromise' is a total farce.....that a compromise would be for you to get rid of son and birds. Now how the hell is that a compromise? That would be YOU making a SACRIFICE.

 

I agree, and I tried to tell him that if I am going to get rid of my animals, what will he give up for me? He couldn't answer that.

The guy sounds like a total loser, no offense. A very insecure, selfish, possessive one at that. I wish you'd reconsider this relationship all together.

I got his stuff together,and told him to come and get it. Then he emails me and apologizes for everything, and says he still loves me, and wants to be with me. I am so confused....

[Rachel]

This guy is a loser. Basically he wants you to change your life and everything about it. Being a mother never stops. Your son is still a very very young individual. Many kids continue to live with their parents into their early twenties. That is not so weird.... To send him with his illness and learning disabilities out in the big world when he can have a loving supporting mother(even if you don't get along on the surface), is cruel.

 

The guy you are dating is a real selfish jerk. Basically he wants you to be available JUST to him, and not have anything that you love in your life, like your pets, and your son.

 

This guy is NOT a keeper. Cut your loses. You will feel some pain. But what breakup is not hard? After all you shared some good times together as well.

I hand raised one bird, and the others were rescues...I also have 3 cats, that have grown up with my son. It made me so depressed to think of not having them. The 3 large birds I have, are bonded to me. They get all mushy even when I walk into a the room. My son doesn't particularly care a lot about them, but he feels it's my house, and I should be able to have them. They are in the cage when he comes over...he said he even hates the site of them, and when the cockatiels start singing he tells them to shutup. The bird dust is what he says he is alergic to. He has had these fits at work twice...frankly, it worries me too. He also smashed his phone, and keyboard. He says that he would never hurt me...I should give him at least that benefit of the doubt. My son is 18, and has Graves disease...makes him sick a lot, even after he takes his medication. He and I don't always get along, but we have a special bond. Bob thinks cause he is 18, he needs to get out in the world and experience life on his own. I don't think he is ready. My son is also learning disabled, and has had a hard time in school. He just found a job, so that is one step towards his independance. I told him that I would not buy a house unless he got his job situation together...He is a good worker, but he gets very stressed out easily.

 

He has started this about 3 months ago....he is getting more depressed than not. He says that he doesn't know why this is happening to him...

 

I agree, and I tried to tell him that if I am going to get rid of my animals, what will he give up for me? He couldn't answer that. I got his stuff together,and told him to come and get it. Then he emails me and apologizes for everything, and says he still loves me, and wants to be with me. I am so confused....

[anonymous]

You sound like a very kind, loving and caring person...and a great mom, too. Don't forget that, okay??

 

What he's trying to do is typical behavior of abusers. They start out subtle....they try to alienate you from family, friends and things that are important to you (eg..your son, your birds). They want you ALL to THEMSELVES. Next, they don't want you to have any friends, they don't want you to talk on the phone with anyone, they don't want you to communicate with family, they time how long it takes you to get to and from the store, etc. He's already on this path.

 

I know it's hard but you have to put your child and your birds before this bird-brain. You have a deep responsibility and commitment to your son and your pets...that were there long before this time-bomb came into the picture.

 

I am really creeped out regarding the way he is so pushy about wanting you both to buy a house together. That scares me. In light of everything else you've told about him, his pushiness here indicates to me that he wants you DEEPLY committed to him...so that it's harder for you to ever leave if you need/have to. Not so easy to up and leave when you jointly own a home. It can be very complicated.....who gets the house? who is entitled to stay in the house if the relationship ends? how do you divide up the equity in the house? Married couples going through a divorce can go through costly months of fighting over things like this. Im sure if you were to live together and the house was in both your names, it would be as complex. Plus, you see he has a temper and an anger problem. Would you really want to have to be fighting over the house should things end? Your life would be a living nightmare...

 

I don't buy his bird allergy thing one bit. I simply think he's the king of jealousy......and he doesn't want anything or anyone in your life that might make you happy other than him. It's also about CONTROL.

 

This man does not respect you the way you deserve to be respected. He should respect you deeply for the love you have for your son, your 'flesh and blood'.....he has no right to stick his nose in where your son is concerned.

 

I know you are confused but I highly suggest you contact your local Battered Women's Shelter and talk to one of the volunteers there.....and in doing so, I think they'll help you to see just how potentially dangerous this guy is......look in the Yellow Pages under "Crisis" or "shelters" or "counselling" or "counselors" and you should find their contact #. If not, contact your local police department or hospital and ask for the # to the Women's Shelter, they'll give it to you.