HELP!

[Candi]

Anyone who can give me advice..PLEASE DO!! Ive been seeing a man who has a girlfriend and a child with her. She actually is 6 mo. pregnant again. (I know im terrible) I've known this man for some 7 or 8 yrs. but we never really got to be close friends untill the last yr.. (because of out 9 yr age difference..and he is 29) He told me that he has always wanted to be with me...since the past two years or so...so we started seeing eachother. Its starting to get to me now that Im not the only one. I really havent brought it up to him because Im afraid of what he will say. He has mentioned to me before that if it wasnt for his child, he would have left her a long time ago. Last night we had the best conversations ever... and he had mentioned to me how his girlfriend always says hes miserable. When he went out last night she said "your probably going out tommorrow night too, huh?" and he said he said "yeah, and I might not even come back" He seems like hes so unhappy with her, and everytime we are together hes ALWAYS laughing, and so am I. I feel terrible b/c I feel like Im stealing him away from her..but then again, it seems like she doesnt even like him anymore. I just want to know if hes planning on leaving her, or keeping me on the side forever. What do you all think?

[midori]

I think that you're seriously deluded if you think that you will ever be more to this guy than a nice disraction from his responsibilities. Sure he laughs all the time with you -- he owes you nothing, you have nothing to berate him for. He can't disappoint you (in a way that he'd be responsible for) because he has no obligations to you. So you're easy to relax with; you don't remind him of his real life. Talk, talk, talk: he's unhappy with his girlfriend and would have left but for their child. But SOMEHOW he managed to get her pregnant again. That wouldn't have happened if he didn't want it to. He cares too much about his kid to leave, but he's having affairs and neglecting his home? Yeah, right. You've got an awful loser on your hands, and you're aiding and abetting his avoidance of responsibility to his partner and children.

 

You're, what, 20 years old? You've got youth as an excuse for your foolishness. This guy, at 29, does not. He's got major responsibilities and he's not facing them. If he's not happy with his girlfriend, he should end the relationship and start paying child support. He needs to get real. You, with no obligations to anyone, no children to worry about, can play around all you like. Tell yourself that it's not SO bad that you're with another woman's man, justify it however you like. Personally I think it's disgusting behavior, and I hope that it's not something that ever happens to you. But if you're not going to be satisfied with just playing around, if you're looking for something more real & lasting & meaningful, then you've picked the wrong guy. Surely you can see that? Why on earth do you think he'd be any different with you than he is right now with the mother of his children? This has nothing to do with how great you are. That's not why he's with you, that's not why he laughs with you. It has everything to do with what a slimey, dishonest, irresponsible and unethical person he is. He's got a pregnant girlfriend and a young child, but he's out spending his evenings with you. Nice.

[Candi]

Thanks for ur advice. I know that what Im doing is wrong..but like u said "im young and stupid." and I agree. The thing I dont appreciate is you bashing me so harsh. Have you ever been in my position?

[clia]

I don't think midori bashed you hard at all. She speaks the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts. It's much easier from the objective perspective out here in Internetland to see what kind of a situation you are in.

I've known this man for some 7 or 8 yrs. but we never really got to be close friends untill the last yr.. (because of out 9 yr age difference..and he is 29)

So he met you when you were 12-13 and he was 20-21? For some reason it strikes me as kind of creepy that you are now sleeping together.

He told me that he has always wanted to be with me...since the past two years or so...so we started seeing eachother.

Honey, if he wanted to be with you full time, he would be. He's an adult. He knows what to do to leave his current girlfriend. Don't kid yourself. He may like spending time with you, but if he wanted something more serious, he would go for it. This sounds to me like he is majorly taking advantage of you.

I really havent brought it up to him because Im afraid of what he will say.

Have you asked him if he ever plans on leaving her? Even if he says yes, take it with a grain of salt. Remember that he's had two years to leave her, and that he got her pregnant again six months ago. That's not a sign to me that he plans on going anywhere anytime soon.

He has mentioned to me before that if it wasnt for his child, he would have left her a long time ago.

So why did he get her pregnant again?

Last night we had the best conversations ever... and he had mentioned to me how his girlfriend always says hes miserable. When he went out last night she said "your probably going out tommorrow night too, huh?" and he said he said "yeah, and I might not even come back"

Again, if he's so miserable why doesn't he leave her? Keep asking yourself that. I don't buy the "because of the kid(s)" excuse. That's a cop out. It's an easy excuse for him. Don't kid yourself. He's not going anywhere.

He seems like hes so unhappy with her, and everytime we are together hes ALWAYS laughing, and so am I.

Well of course he is! You're 20! You don't have responsibilities. You aren't taking care of a child every day. He doesn't have to deal with day to day responsibilities with you. You are his fun distraction. Of course he's laughing! But that doesn't mean that he never laughs with his girlfriend. He's obviously still having sex with her.

I feel terrible b/c I feel like Im stealing him away from her..but then again, it seems like she doesnt even like him anymore.

Honey, she has his heart. You aren't stealing anything from anyone. You're a fun distraction to him.

I just want to know if hes planning on leaving her, or keeping me on the side forever.

As I said above, I don't think he's going anywhere. It's up to you whether or not you want to let him keep you on the side forever. Is that the kind of life you want? Do you really want a guy who is cheating on his girlfriend? What's to say that he won't do it to you in the future? IMO, you are wasting your time when you could be out meeting nice guys who are willing to give you 100%.

[Candi]

Thank you very much for your advice. I apprecate it very much. BTW- with me knowing him for 6-7 yrs...its b/c hes my sisters brother in law...i didnt mention that before. So its not like hes some creep who I used to hang out with when I was that young!! please keep writing. I thank you again.

[midori]

Oh dear, do you think that his being related by marriage to you makes it BETTER? Think for a moment about the implications:

 

Say he ends up marrying or staying with his current gf -- as all indicators suggest. Heaven forbid anyone ever finds out about his fling with you! Imagine how awkward things would be for your sister at her husband's family gatherings. If I were your sister I would be furious and disgusted with you.

 

Moreover, asClia pointed out, his having known you as a child and adolescent makes your current relationship kind of creepy. All the more when you consider that his exposure to you during those years occurred in family settings.

 

To answer your question to me, no, I've never been in your position because I would never put myself in such a position. You put yourself where you are, you allowed it to happen -- why? It might be flattering to know that a guy is willing to betray another woman for you, but think about it: you're participating in her betrayal (so much worse considering that you're part of the extended family that her children belong to!). Is that who you want to be? And is this guy betraying his girlfriend for you specifically, or is he cheating to avoid his responsibilities and you just happen to be the one he's currently cheating with? Since he's not leaving her for you, I'd put my money on the latter scenario.

 

Moreover, you're getting emotionally involved with a man who has no scruples, no sensitivity and no thought for anyone but himself. To top it off he's incredibly stupid: anyone with 1/2 a brain would know that banging your sister-in-law's kid sister is not likely to bring about family harmony. So you're involved with a dishonest, selfish idiot. Is that who you want to be with?

 

Have you actually thought about this situation at all? My goodness, what a mess! Don't get your hopes up for this guy, you'll only be disappointed -- and he won't feel an ounce of obligation to you no matter how hurt your feelings are.

 

You can do much much better than this. This situation offers you nothing but trouble. Find someone who's available, who's responsible for himself and considerate of others. Find a good guy to laugh with, then you'll know that the laughter you share comes from a genuine place that you can rely on and be proud of.

Thank you very much for your advice. I apprecate it very much. BTW- with me knowing him for 6-7 yrs...its b/c hes my sisters brother in law...i didnt mention that before. So its not like hes some creep who I used to hang out with when I was that young!! please keep writing. I thank you again.

[Candi]

Thanks again for your advice...but i do need to say one thing. I NEVER said he was "banging me"...and by the way, hes not. You shouldnt just assume that.

[clia]

Oh...I assumed that you were sleeping together, too. What exactly is your relationship with him like? Do you just hang out? Do you go out on dates? Do you kiss? Do you make out? Are you physically intimate in any way? Does he call you? Do you call him? How often do you see him?

 

Even if you aren't sleeping together, if you are physically intimate in any way that is still cheating and it's still bad news. I also agree that it's worse since he is somewhat related to you. Does anyone else know what is going on, or is this all secret? Are you ever around his g/f and kid at family functions? Ack...

 

Nobody here is trying to be hard on you. We've just seen this happen both in real life and on this board, and it never works out in the "mistress's" (for lack of a better word...LOL) favor. At least not for a long term, trusting and committed relationship.

 

No one can tell you what to do. As he is in control of his life, you are in control of yours. But you are becoming (or are) emotionally attached to someone who is not available to you. If it would hurt now to end it, imagine how it will feel in two years or three years or longer if it keeps going on. And realistically here, how uncomfortable would it be around your family to have him actually leave her for you? Egad! There are a lot of issues here. It just makes no sense to waste your time with someone who may never be available to you when you could be out dating other men who are. You don't want to look back and think about the years you wasted hoping he would leave her for you. Hey, if he decides to leave her someday and to officially date you, that's great! But until then, I really think you should pull back and end this in your own best interest. Just my opinion.

Thanks again for your advice...but i do need to say one thing. I NEVER said he was "banging me"...and by the way, hes not. You shouldnt just assume that.

[Angel]

I feel sorry for you because you are such a silly young girl to get involved with this man! That man has a family with his girlfriend---you are hurting them as much as yourself.

 

He sounds like a creep -- you're tangled in his web and too young to realize it.

 

Good luck.

Anyone who can give me advice..PLEASE DO!! Ive been seeing a man who has a girlfriend and a child with her. She actually is 6 mo. pregnant again. (I know im terrible) I've known this man for some 7 or 8 yrs. but we never really got to be close friends untill the last yr.. (because of out 9 yr age difference..and he is 29) He told me that he has always wanted to be with me...since the past two years or so...so we started seeing eachother. Its starting to get to me now that Im not the only one. I really havent brought it up to him because Im afraid of what he will say. He has mentioned to me before that if it wasnt for his child, he would have left her a long time ago. Last night we had the best conversations ever... and he had mentioned to me how his girlfriend always says hes miserable. When he went out last night she said "your probably going out tommorrow night too, huh?" and he said he said "yeah, and I might not even come back" He seems like hes so unhappy with her, and everytime we are together hes ALWAYS laughing, and so am I. I feel terrible b/c I feel like Im stealing him away from her..but then again, it seems like she doesnt even like him anymore. I just want to know if hes planning on leaving her, or keeping me on the side forever. What do you all think?

[Candi]

Thanks soo much. You are helping me alot. He calls me, I call him on occasion, we usually will just go to the lake near our houses at night and talk. Apparently, his g/f wants to leave, but says she feels like she cant..(i think its the fear of being alone) It seems like they are so unhappy together. He feels like he wants to leave her, but hes afraid that everyone will think such a loser of him. (his brother left his wife, when they had a kid, and his father (the guy im talking to) hasnt always been there for his mother when he was a kid. I think its tough for him to leave because hes seen what happened to his nephew...and he knows first hand how it is, because he was a child of that himself. I just want him to do whatever makes him happy...if its to be with her and make things work...GREAT..but if he wants to leave her, than whatever to that too. But honestly...if he did leave her, I would never be in a serious relationship with him. I may be dumb!!! and I know that... but Im not THAAAAT dumb.. if that makes sense.

[anonymous]

This man is a total dog. He obviously doesn't respect the child that he has with his GIRLFRIEND or the baby that's on the way. How is that? Well he's disrespecting their MOTHER so in effect, he's disrespecting them too.

 

If she's so damn miserable with his girlfriend then why are they obviously still having SEX? Afterall, I doubt she got pregnant through immaculate conception.

 

Likely all he's telling you is bullsh_t. If he was really so miserable, he'd have left her to be with you. THis isn't happening, in fact, he's helping her to bring more of THEIR children into the world.

 

What kind of man would even tell you how BADLY he speaks to her? The thing about him saying he would be going out the next night and might not even come home. What a pr!ck. What kind of way is that to treat the mother of your children? The poor women is likely busting her ass, running around after the one child while enduring all the pains and symptoms of pregnancy (sore back, peeing lots, tired, feeling fat)...and there he is being the big stud.

 

Why in God's name would you want anything to do with a man who treats a fellow woman this way? Is that admirable? Hardly. But he seems to even be proud of it.

 

If he truly IS so miserable with her, then he'd be MAN ENOUGH to end things with her. He's not being anyone's hero by staying "only for the kids" but going behind her back and f_cking around with you.

 

Don't you get it?

 

It's men like this who suck at being role models to their children..and then we have children growing up treating others the same way.

 

You have no business being with someone who's still in a relationship with someone; someone who HAS children with him and CONTINUES to have children with him.

 

You should be telling this guy to get his head out of his arse and stepping up to the plate and being a GOOD FATHER to his children. What kind of 'good father' tells his children's mother that he might not even come home?

 

And on top of all this....if his morals and principles and values (or lack thereof) allow him to use 2 women like this.....he'll continue to. So should you and he ever have more of a relationship together/maybe some kids.....don't be surprised at all if he's out doing the same thing. It's clear he has no conscience, sense of right or wrong, sense of responsibility, respect for women.

[clia]

But honestly...if he did leave her, I would never be in a serious relationship with him.

So what exactly are you looking to get out of this then? If you don't want a relationship with him, then why bother? There are tons of other guys out there who I'm sure would love to call you and go to the lake with you. (Single! guys) He has gotten himself into a very sad situation, as has his girlfriend if she really wants to leave. This guy has major baggage. You are too young to deal with this kind of baggage! You should be happy and carefree and dating lots of guys and hanging out with your friends. Don't make his baggage your problem. Life's too short to waste time on things that aren't going anywhere! You will still see him here and there at family stuff, but I really don't think you should waste anymore time on this or spend anymore time with him alone. Better to walk away now before you get emotionally invested.

[Candi]

Thanks! you are helping me big time Clia!

[loverkid46]

Thanks! you are helping me big time Clia!

[Celia]

You are silly. Not only this man in the world. Why must you choose him who has a family. He is not a good man at all. He can do anything "for HIMSELF" on "the SACRIFICE" of his children and girlfriend and another innocent woman. If you are a little bit wise girl, let go of it IMMEDIATELY! Remember your love can be "planted" with the best man for you. If he do that, May he die immediately!!!!!!!!!!!!!! too strong!? No!

Anyone who can give me advice..PLEASE DO!! Ive been seeing a man who has a girlfriend and a child with her. She actually is 6 mo. pregnant again. (I know im terrible) I've known this man for some 7 or 8 yrs. but we never really got to be close friends untill the last yr.. (because of out 9 yr age difference..and he is 29) He told me that he has always wanted to be with me...since the past two years or so...so we started seeing eachother. Its starting to get to me now that Im not the only one. I really havent brought it up to him because Im afraid of what he will say. He has mentioned to me before that if it wasnt for his child, he would have left her a long time ago. Last night we had the best conversations ever... and he had mentioned to me how his girlfriend always says hes miserable. When he went out last night she said "your probably going out tommorrow night too, huh?" and he said he said "yeah, and I might not even come back" He seems like hes so unhappy with her, and everytime we are together hes ALWAYS laughing, and so am I. I feel terrible b/c I feel like Im stealing him away from her..but then again, it seems like she doesnt even like him anymore. I just want to know if hes planning on leaving her, or keeping me on the side forever. What do you all think?