Exes holding children hostage (emotionally)

[Knittress]

As forum readers I'm sure you're aware that there's always the danger that a hostile party could find vulnerable information, deliberately misinterpret something, or just generally create havoc whenever you post anything online. I'm sure you're familiar with those social journal sites. I happen to use one, and so does my boyfriend's ex. My boyfriend was foolish in his youth, and happens to have a child with this person.

 

I suppose I should mention that this started because I described what (I thought) was a scene involving an innocuous comment about barbie dolls. In my journal (not to the child) I wrote about how as a women I was appalled that the five year old child had started to absorb the ideology that women should look like barbies. I phrased it in more of a society-general sense, but the ex somewhat obtusely decided that I was 'making accusations about her as a mother.' She chose to deal with it by telling the child that she wasn't allowed to be alone with me at anytime.

 

She has made inflammatory or confrontational remarks in my journal in the past, which I've ignored. I prefer not to add to the drama and she's never tried to communicate anything to me that was actually relevant. Perhaps I am in the wrong, but I feel that parenting matters are between my boyfriend and herself, and that I answer to him and not her.

 

My boyfriend and I have attempted to be diplomatic and address the problem (her undermining his authority) but she seems to not be able to focus on anything besides how much she dislikes me, and how little respect she has for either of us. She has decided that we cannot express any opinions or ideas about religion, personal values, or strangely enough, personal dress(etc) around the kid. I respect in general that she has a right to raise her child however she sees fit, but I absolutely find her attempt to control me (another adult) completely inappropriate and and the statement itself utterly disrespectful of my boyfriend's role as a parent.

 

I would prefer not to get involved but she keeps insisting that I communicate with her. She has stated that my reluctance to do so and my mate and I "failing to abide by her rules and requests" means that she will no longer allow the child's father to have his child on the weekends. I am so angry and fed up, but I don't want to cause trouble for my boyfriend by provoking her in any manner. She's effectively scared me out of using my journal, which I used to enjoy. The ironic thing is that I would probably be sympathetic to some of her complaints, were she capable of expressing them in a more respectful way.

 

Can someone with more experience please give me some advice on how to cope with all this?

 

I apologize if this doesn't make any sense. This is my second sleepless night in a row.

[lasan]

Where are you living? Is it the US? If so, is there a visitation order set up? If yes to both, perhaps someone should remind her that she is in contempt of court every time she does not have the child at the designated pick up point.

[Mz. Pixie]

Perhaps I am in the wrong, but I feel that parenting matters are between my boyfriend and herself, and that I answer to him and not her.

 

 

This is absolutely correct. In fact, that's exactly what I told my ex about his wife. That HE would answer to me concerning her behavior, not her. I would not be dealing with her- that would be his job- just as it would be his job to deal with me. That is the same way that I feel as well as a stepparent. My husbands ex wife is his issue, not mine. I will not be a go between for either situation.

 

If there is a visitation order in place there is no way she can keep him from seeing the child.

 

This is a sticky situation. Since you guys are not married you may want to think carefully before you marry this person.

[Knittress]

Where are you living? Is it the US? If so, is there a visitation order set up? If yes to both, perhaps someone should remind her that she is in contempt of court every time she does not have the child at the designated pick up point.

 

Yes, we are in the US, and no they don't yet have a formal visitation arrangement. I know the logical next step would probably be for him to take this to court, but I'm not sure that this will entirely the solve the problem. I'm afraid legal action will further increase her animosity, and she'll start trying to ruin the relationship between the child and her father even more.

 

It's hard to see living the rest of my life being manipulated by this overbearing person... I think that's mostly what I'm posting about. That, and looking for practical advice about how my boyfriend should handle it.

[Knittress]

This is absolutely correct. In fact, that's exactly what I told my ex about his wife. That HE would answer to me concerning her behavior, not her. I would not be dealing with her- that would be his job- just as it would be his job to deal with me. That is the same way that I feel as well as a stepparent. My husbands ex wife is his issue, not mine. I will not be a go between for either situation.

 

If there is a visitation order in place there is no way she can keep him from seeing the child.

 

This is a sticky situation. Since you guys are not married you may want to think carefully before you marry this person.

 

Oh, how I wish she thought as you do! ::chuckle::

I know it probably wouldn't be a good idea to marry him with all these complications, but it breaks my heart to think that.

[Pink_Tulip]

It looks like this may end up in court soon, whether you like it or not. She is trying to make dealing with her so difficult that you and your BF will give up and she can have the child all to herself. If you fight her, you will have to do it legally, in my opinion.

 

The best advice I can give you is DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. You will need it in court. Good luck.

[lasan]

It looks like this may end up in court soon, whether you like it or not. She is trying to make dealing with her so difficult that you and your BF will give up and she can have the child all to herself. If you fight her, you will have to do it legally, in my opinion.

 

The best advice I can give you is DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. You will need it in court. Good luck.

 

 

I agree with everything this poser said. Is there a child support order? If not I bet there will be one soon. Since they are unmarried, I suggest a parternity test, setting up a child support and visitation order.

[Knittress]

I agree with everything this poster said. Is there a child support order? If not I bet there will be one soon. Since they are unmarried, I suggest a parternity test, setting up a child support and visitation order.

 

The child is nearly six years old and her paternity is not the slightest bit in question. My boyfriend pays a substantial amount of his (student) income to support her and her married stay-at-home mother. As galling as that may be, that isn't really the issue at the moment - the mother deciding to deny him contact, is.

 

Thank you to those who have responded. I appreciate your insight.

[lasan]

Knitress

 

He should really do exactly what I just said. If the child support order isn't through the state, I hope that he has proof he has been paying all of this time. If he hasn't, he is going to be royally screwed. The parternity test is just standard operating procedure for unmarried couples. The only way to fight this is the legal way. Right now he has no rights...zip, zero, zilch. Sorry. Hate to tell you that. (Depending on what state you are in, but they are all pretty much the same on the topic of unmarried couples and children) Don't take my word for it, send him to a lawyer. If she is starting to play games now, it's not going to get better. It will only get worse.