A plea of a lifetime.

[AT284]

Hello everyone, nice to meet you all. It's 3:12am in the morning at my place, and something told me at this moment to go google up a site and ask for help there. Hence, I am here. I'm a new poster, so if I am posting in the wrong section I apologize in advance. Moving on...

 

I got a plea of a lifetime. I know this line has been overplayed and kicked around in so many situations during the course of all human history, but to me this is an urgent matter. I need help, came searching for it and am hoping for those who can care to help someone like the likes of me, please do.

 

I'm 22 years old, and am single. I have been, for what seems to be an eternity. I think I am ready for a relationship, or if at the very least, am willing to get some kind of experience from it.

 

To give a preview of myself, I'm not that tall, would even say shorter than average. I am a pretty easy-going person, I usually like to help people out and am generally nice. Or so goes my personal opinion of myself. I'm not that attractive, but I have seen people like me with attractive people so I know it's NOT impossible. Over the years, I've tried my hand at trying to go out with females, but to no avail. Time has passed, I've missed out on the highschool era, and pretty much the college era, and am still missing out on something obviously to still not have had any kind of relationship what so ever.

 

What can I do? Does anyone have any suggestions or advice? All my friends now are pretty much in a long-term relationship and happy, all except for me. After looking for a bit, it's become frustrating and a bit depressing. I may be over-dramatizing, I've been told it's just the beginning, but I want to see something now. I don't want my life to pass by without something, I want to experience something called love. Somewhere in my life I've seen a phrase that said: One year of love is better than nothing at all. I'm a firm believer of that phrase, and there may be a later but I'm gonna be a bit selfish and say sometime soon. Because as much as the movie "40 year old virgin" was funny and awesome... I don't want to wait that long.

 

Someone please help a guy out, I'm willing to try something if I haven't already and improve. I will be ever-so grateful, and am willing to help and pass along any knowledge or wisdom to others who are in my shoes in the future. Thank you.

[the_alchemyst]

Somewhere in my life I've seen a phrase that said: One year of love is better than nothing at all.

 

I used to believe this, but I don't anymore.

 

Anyway, hello, it's 3:52 at my place, and I really don't know why I'm still up.

 

I've read about situations similar to yours a few times on the board, but am always left with the same question:

 

If you want a relationship, then why don't you have one?

 

Now, I'm not trying to be an asshat or anything, but really--what is stopping you?

 

Are you shy? Is it because you think you are unattractive? Do you not know where to look? Have you no interest in anyone in particular?

 

What is the problem for you specifically?

[katiebour]

Dear AT, as someone who didn't even have a first kiss until I was 19, I know how you feel. It can be scary to wonder if you'll ever meet someone or even "the one." I wish you luck!

 

The best way to meet someone you will like, and who likes you, is to find a group of hobbyists (obviously this should be a hobby of yours if possible- but you might consider taking up something new too.) Hanging out with other people who share your interests helps to form a bond, and there you may find someone with whom you have a mutual chemistry. It at least gives you something to talk about.

 

Some activities I would recommend:

 

Ballroom dancing- there is an extreme shortage of men who like to tango, rumba, cha-cha, etc. You get to hold a girl or girls close and talk to them for a period of time, all the while having fun and getting exercise. Plus girls love a guy who can dance- it's the whole "sweep me off my feet" thing. Most colleges offer ballroom dance classes for about $50 for 3 months worth, 2 or 3 times a week.

 

Volunteering- you meet a lot of great people this way. It's fun too! I recommend your local MeetIn to find folks to go out with. These gatherings usually number between 10-40 people and die-hards often come to many/most of the events. I did a beach clean-up with a group; afterwards we hung out in a hotel room, drank alcohol, went to a bar and danced for hours. It was a blast!

 

http://www.meetin.org/

 

Writer's workshops/clubs- you seem pretty articulate- have you ever considered joining a creative writing group? Folks get together week after week, read what they write to one another, and give feedback.

 

You can always go to a bar and pick up a girl, but that won't guarantee a connection, shared ideals, hobbies, or anything of the sort. Shared interests and life perspectives, along with physical chemistry, are what build infatuation/lust, and lust eventually into love.

 

I met my first boyfriend through a mutual friend when I was 19- we got along because we both liked anime. We had a lot to talk about, initially, and even though it didn't last it was a good "feet in the water" experience like what you're looking for. It was also a great way for both of us to lose our virginity After my first relationship, it was much easier to meet and relate with my second boyfriend since I already had experience dating/relating/talking with someone. And I knew that much more clearly the kind of person I was looking for.

 

Dating is like shooting arrows at a target. The first time you do it you will more than likely be way off the mark, or even miss it entirely. But every experience gets you a little closer to the center of the target, and closer to finding a person who matches you.

 

Alchemyst brings up a good point- what is it about you that you think girls don't like? Is it your appearance, manner, conversation? What is it about yourself that you need to improve to make yourself a more attractive partner?

 

Good luck and take care

[AT284]

Thanks for the response you two, it was thoughtful of you. Hmm... both of you bring up some relevant stories/good points, so I'm not sure who to answer first, but I'll just give some info on myself...

 

At 22, I still haven't kissed a girl. Haven't, haven't recently and afraid I might never be able to do so. I sort of have tried doing some stuff like going to anime conventions, playing online games, volunteering, blah blah... it hasn't worked out for me at all. You can count me as one of the so-called stereotypical "Geek", "Nerd", "Dork", whatever. I guess finding what "type" of person you want to match up with is important, but I wouldn't necessarily want to find a partner who is really into the same thing as I am. Why? Because that would be boring, and it would be encasing yourself in a comfortable zone, with almost no diversity or differences. I believe differences to play some part of an important role in relationships.

 

And based off appearances? I'm a total no-go. Like I said earlier, when I meant short, I am shorter than about 70% of the people on this earth probably, not including people under the age of 12. Facial features, let's say I've been told many not-so-nice things about it. So that goes out the window.

 

I've noticed people who are similar to me in appearance, but they got one thing I don't have. Humor. Some people get the misconception that females love humorous guys. But then that begs the question, doesn't anyone and nearly everyone like humorous people? I think the answer is yes, they do.

 

If you want a relationship, then why don't you have one?

 

Ahaha, no offense taken, if what you said about that comes across as an asshat-ish remark, it would really be me who is the close-minded one and too damn sensitive. Luckily human instinct kicked in for me, although a bit later I've adapted to not be so sensitive. I'm pretty open-minded. But really, it's because I don't have a relationship and want one that I came to seek help on a forum no? Sorry, being a smart-arse here, which granted is probably one of the reasons why I am not liked.

 

So if I really want to 'fix' my problems, I guess it's getting to the heart of the matter. As mentioned above, I'm a smart-ass. I'm verbose. I'm too fickle with my decisions, and more so insecure. Shy? Maybe, yes, that might be one way to put it but it's probably more like afraid to make a mistake. I'm not good-looking, and lack in the humor department. I try to be nice, as I've been told a few times by someone that looked past my appearance that being nice is a good quality. But maybe I'm nice at the wrong times, in the wrong situations. One friend of mine said, I put women on a pedastool. Which was true at one point in my life but now, I'm like hi, how are you? kind of deal. I've improved, maybe... but it's obviously not enough or at the part where I'd like to be at. It's interesting, the way the human psyche works, I've been told to be aggressive and be more of an asshat, but why would I want to do that? As if the world needed anymore asshats, I think I like my nice trait of being kind to people. That might be one thing I'm never willing to trade in, something that is nice just to get what I want... tough choice, but it's a right one, I know. Somewhere in the back of my mind I can analyze all my problems like this, and I try to change it but I can't. For some reason, I won't. Maybe it's the fact that I had this feeling for this one girl, but my so-called friend, *knowing* that I had feelings for her decided to make the move on her and is now with her. This was an year ago, probably more, I've learned to let go most of it... but it's something that kind of has been keeping me back... maybe it's that fear or having low self-esteem... hmm... I think that is it...

 

Anyway, I didn't mention my problems in my opening post because I wanted to be positive and see if any good suggestions might come up that I could try, not to say that katiebour didn't have good ones... I'll try a few more times I guess... but what could *I* possibly do, everyday, even take baby steps to improve how I interact with females/better myself at what some people consider to be "the game". Like I said, I'm open to trying things, if there's something you told someone else that helped them or did something to help yourself... by all means, let me know. Advance apologies for the lengthy post.

[AT284]

An update, for Katiebour. I decided to take your advice, and went to a small anime group gathering a friend leads. I actually had a good time, and had a decent and somewhat lengthy conversation with one of the girls there. It was pleasant, and I'll probably be going to that meeting again next week. Thanks again for your encouragement, being positive and optimistic about it helps.

[katiebour]

Yay! Good for you!

[AT284]

Ok... back for more Advice & Suggestions 101...

 

I think the problem with me is that I don't know how to approach a girl. And even if I do, the conversation doesn't last or hold. I find myself staring down or sometimes fumbling/mumbling, avoiding eye contact to say the least. I'm probably doing everything that can possibly be done wrong, sadly.

 

Can anyone help me or give me tips on how to be more comfortable with talking to a girl? Any exercises that I can do myself so I won't look like a weirdo doing it or something? I'm really trying to change myself for the better, help me out!

[Touche]

I don't know of any exercises other than practicing in the mirror.

 

Just curious but you said you had a lengthy conversation at the meeting with one girl. But then in your last post you said none of the conversations last. What gives? What happened to the girl you spoke to? Did you ask if she wanted to get together? Surely you must have done well with her if she kept talking to you for so long.

 

And don't let girls intimidate you. They're just as nervous if not more so to have you approach them.

[AT284]

Touche you are right, I am being contradictory there. However, when I said I had a lengthy conversation with said girl, it was maybe a bit over 10 min... which, is a miracle and probably the first time that's ever happened. And that was because we were talking about an anime called Trigun, and she was a big fan about it, and so I followed the series some... so I probably lucked out.

 

Except for that recent outing, I never last more than 5 min in a conversation. So... yeah... and practicing in the mirror? Does that really help? Don't take offense when I say this, but it kinda seems like something a schitzo would do But what do I know, I shall try it out!

 

Getting back to the girl I spoke to... she might be at the same anime meeting this week. I'll make every attempt to go if I can. No, I didn't ask if we wanted to get together. Not even sure how or what to ask in that kind of way, without sounding creepy or weird. Go for coffee or something? A few pointers would be nice... thanks to you all who are being patient enough to give me help. Something's come of it, and maybe I'll one day get past all this and laugh at my old self.

[Touche]

Yes, of course with a little practice you'll get past all of this awkwardness. And no, it's not crazy to practice in front of the mirror. When you can be comfortable doing that, you should be able to do it for real. It will seem stupid and unatural at first but with a little practice it should get easier...just like in real life.

 

Ok, practice on me. Say I'm that girl and you see me again. What do you say? And say it out loud before you type it out, ok? I'll tell you if it's dorky or good.

[AT284]

Hi Touche, how's it going? Did you have a good weekend?

[Touche]

Hi Touche, how's it going? Did you have a good weekend?

 

That was PERFECT. I hope you were looking into my green eyes and not down at the floor when you asked me that.

 

I had a great weekend and thanks for asking. Went bowling with my son and his friend. So what did you do?

 

Oh wait...it wasn't quite perfect. I'm editing to add this. Dont' ask if she had a good weekend. She might only answer with a yes or a no. Don't ask any questions that can just be answered that way. You can say what you did but ADD, "What did you do?" See what I mean?

[AT284]

Bowling is fun, that's cool you had a great time with your son. I watched some anime and went hiking with my friends, which was fun. One of my friends Steve got his shirt caught on a branch though so he ended up with a torn shirt, which is funny because I did that 3 years ago myself. Except I had a spare shirt and he didn't, haha. Do you like to hike or do any outdoor activities?

 

 

So... don't ask any questions that can be done with a "yes" or a "no"... I'll note that in my mind. Slowly learning here...

[Touche]

Bowling is fun, that's cool you had a great time with your son. I watched some anime and went hiking with my friends, which was fun. One of my friends Steve got his shirt caught on a branch though so he ended up with a torn shirt, which is funny because I did that 3 years ago myself. Except I had a spare shirt and he didn't, haha. Do you like to hike or do any outdoor activities?

 

 

So... don't ask any questions that can be done with a "yes" or a "no"... I'll note that in my mind. Slowly learning here...

 

That was really PERFECT AT. I'm impressed. You told a little funny story and it told me a little about you.

 

Ok, back to it. See how it works now. You'll never run out of stuff to talk about. We'll do a little more.

 

Well, Im really not much into outdoor activities although I do love to garden. I grown my own veggies and I do like to ride my bike sometimes. I'm more of an indoor person though. I'm into cooking. I don't really go out much..kind of a homebody. So how did you get into this whole anime thing? Do you know anyone else here?

[AT284]

Oh, a garden, that's neat. Do you have it in a small area of your backyard or something? Is it big or more like a mini-garden? Tomatoes are my favorite vegetables, although some people consider it a fruit... which do you consider it? By the way, biking is something I like to do too. I actually learned to ride it when I was 18; I was given a chance to learn when I was a kid but because I was afraid of falling I never learned until then, thinking I will never learn until my 2 best friends pushed me to learn and I actually got on the bike and rode after a while! Can you believe it? It's one of the best things I remember in life... anyway, what kind of food do you cook? Do you cook a certain type of dish, like... I don't know, Chinese, Italian, pastries, gourmet...? I have to say I like pasta a lot, but that exists in many countries so I can't really pinpoint it to one country!

I got into this whole anime thing by being introduced to a friend, I ended up watching an episode of it at his house on VHS and was hooked on it. And if you look over there to your left, the tall guy with glasses and the red Gundam t-shirt is him, he's the one who invited me to this event.

[AT284]

I got a question... possibly a stupid one... when is it "ok" to ask them out to stuff or activities like... coffee or whatever? Is there like some unwritten rule on this or something?

[the_alchemyst]

No.

 

Just talk to her for a while and if you "feel" she is interested or something, then before you leave, just casually say that you have to go, but that it was really nice talking to her, and ask her if she might be interested in chatting some more again over coffee or something.

 

If she says yes, then you might want to say something like, "Great. So, how about I call you later on so we can schedule something for next week or so?"

 

Something like that.

 

You generally don't want to be too upfront (like ask for her name and number at the same time. that's so not classy.) because I know a lot of girls don't take kindly to that type of "attitude."

[Touche]

AT, that was good! Just don't shoot out questions though like she's on a witness stand or anything. That was really good though. See how the conversation will just flow and take off naturally without too much effort?

 

As far as your last question I agree with Alch.

 

When is the next meeting? Tell us how it goes Ok?