22 Year Marrige is unsalvagable

[lisapizza]

So,"FH" being that you have experienced a h/ that is a cheater too, I hope you don't mind me asking... did he finally confess everything, or did he only admit what you found out and nothing more?? Also, why did you decide to leave? Do you have any kids??

[FlyingHigh]

So,"FH" being that you have experienced a h/ that is a cheater too, I hope you don't mind me asking... did he finally confess everything, or did he only admit what you found out and nothing more?? Also, why did you decide to leave? Do you have any kids??

I was afraid if I gave too much personal info I'd have to start fessing up. You asked for it..

 

My cheater Xh2B only confessed because his mistress threatened she would come over to our house to hurt me if he didn't divorce/leave me for her. Yep! He picked a real winner! The night he confessed, he lied about when the last time he saw her, length of affair etc. Kicked him out that night. But I wasn't going to let him off the hook like an angel. Called his married buddy that night and told him everything and that hubby was going to spend the night w/them.

 

That night, I went through his office and found a goldmine of info including his email and cellphone password and his OW#. Called the OW the next morning to find out if she were pregnant because hubby couldn't give me a straigt answer. The OW said no, but she managed to tell me that she "understood" what I was going through because her Xh of 10 years also cheated on her. I said, then "why in God's name would you turn around and do the same to another woman's husband?" She said, "but it's not the same". Yep! She's a real winner.

 

No kids fortunately. His OW has two daughters one is a runaway. X and I were trying to have kids-IVF but at that time, he was already playing Daddy to his OW's kids.

 

I exposed his affair to his family, friends including the OW's email contacts and family which I attached the OW's fatal attraction type emails which she had made threats against me and calling me a "vampire sucking the blood out of the man she loves". Mind you, I'm giggling as I'm writing this because I'm just so over it. :D At one point, I had to change the phone# because I used to get blocked ID/hang up calls.

 

Told hubby wanted a divorce, but asked me if I would reconsider and for us to seek counseling. Like you and so many others, I was willing to give it a second chance. We even took a cruise for the first time. But hubby had other personal issues resulting from his upbringing of avoiding conflicts, repressing emotions and the inability to be honest. Saw more of his true colors as weeks/months went by. I realized he was a really good sneak, but a lousy liar. He also didn't count on me being resourceful and very good at being a detective.

 

During the weekly counseling which lasted 3-4 months, with my detective work, I caught cheating hubby...well...cheating and lying. He even swore on his dying mother's life that he was honest. He managed to lie to our counselor and his IC and believed him. And he's been able to get away with it because he has perfected the art of lying. You live with a person long enough and you start memorizing their body language, facial expression when you know they're lying. I figured XH body, eye language and flinches whenever he lied.

 

We had our own 9/11 incident. The last time he would ever lie to me. I threw one of my favorite vase on the floor which splattered across two rooms. Damn I miss that vase! Shocked the living daylight out of hubby. He called 911. I thought he was calling his buddy for safety:D but when he started to talk it went like this..."yes...ahhh...I'd like to report a domestic violence....against my wife. She threw a glass at me and tried to hit me.":D I'm 5'3, 105, poor helpless hubby is 6'4", 230! When he got off the phone. I said, "If I wanted to hurt you, I wouldn't have missed you five feet away!" Never done that before.

 

Cops came, they looked at me, examined the splattered broken glass. One talked to me while 2 officers talked to him outside. Cop asked me if I had a place to go. I said, "my girlfriend is working tonight. My family is out of state. My other friends are out of state. But dear hubby's sibblings live 20 minutes away, his married buddy 5 minutes away, and his mistress is 45 miniutes away." It raised the cop's eyebrow a tad. In the end, hubby got escorted as he packed while the neighbors watched. The neighborhood kids all think he went to jail! :D The last thing the cop said to me was, "you won't have any problems finding someone else." I said thanks.

 

Not too long after 9/11, told XH that I have his mistress to thank. I told him to thank her for me the next time he saw/talked to her. He was speechless. Had she not threatened him, I would have never known about his affair. Were there clues? Hindsight, absolutely. But he played the "perfect" husband. He was a good actor. After all, it is what he wanted to do. We even bought a house in the midst of his affair. So there was nothing to suspect.

 

I am sooooo much happier. Things are falling into place. While we still have legal and marital property to settle, I see him like a stranger which he is. I don't feel anything for him, but pity.

 

You can only give yourself so much to someone. But sometimes, no matter what you do, it won't make any difference because the person to whom you are giving so much of yourself to has no value system when it comes to self respect and love, honesty, integrity and committment. XH was only committed to himself as most cheaters are. And in the end, the only thing to do is let go in order to save yourself.

 

So the short answer to your question? Yep, he lied the entire time even in counseling.

 

When do know it's over? When you lcan no onger look at him with love, but pity and repulse.

 

When do you feel it's reeaally over? When you finally feel at peace without him.

[lisapizza]

He even swore on his dying mother's life that he was honest. He managed to lie to our counselor and his IC and believed him. And he's been able to get away with it because he has perfected the art of lying.

OMG! I think you we're married to my H/!! --

 

All joking aside, your story sounds so much like mine ... I went through so much & humiliated myself down to the core ( I was also having post partum depression too)

We went to a priest at the church and he swore to "GOD" (that he never touched her) the priest was actually in tears, telling me how much he loved me. Then a few mo's later I dislocated my shoulder hitting him because he agreed to call her & ask her why she was saying all these things to me and then he put me on the phone to hear her answer.. (she didn't know I was there). She said she didn't know how all this happened, she didn't know "what they we're thinking".(I would take that as an admission of guilt, wouldn't you??)

So I turned around dropped the (public payphone at a gas station) and hit him as hard as I could (he's 6"3 & weighs 300 lbs!!) That how it got dislocated...We went to the hospital (with my arm dangling & I was screaming at him )..then while I was drugged up & ready to have my shoulder popped back in place, he admitted they had a thing in the parking lot, but that's it...( he felt sorry for me so he decided to tell me "the truth")

Fact of the matter is, I have had to get information first every step of the way, THEN he will admit only a little bit at a time...

 

He also tells the counslors what they want to hear, (what an honest, good man he is, etc.) And they will fall for it because he's very convincing.

 

I also spoke to the OW and she said she was pregnant, he wanted her to have an abortion but she could not do it also they had been having an affair for few months, etc. Other employees also said the same. But she refused DNA, never has asked for support, nothing. It doesn't make sense.

 

But my husb is a good liar too. Thats the problem, I never trust in what he's telling me. No matter how insignificant it is. He also plays the perfect husb and DAD. He always makes sure he's home, calls all the time, tries not to go out of town and when he does he checks in all the time. But on the other hand he did all the cheating at work.. (even though he has never admitted to it still to this day) That's the part I have always told him, if he would just come clean & tell me everything, I could accept that, but the lying all the time is the part I have trouble with.

 

He only goes to MC, he will not go to IC. Then in MC he will say: "You won't do what they say, show me more effection, say I LOVE YOU everyday and be passionate about me") He admitted that the reason he went in the parking lot of Hooters with this skank to get a BJ is because she made him feel like a man!! But before all this he would never want to have s*x anywhere but our bed. He would never have done anything like that w/ me (believe me I tried!)

 

Anyway, I have had enough, I am going to counseling w/ my kids, and I will go to IC. But if he does not go to IC by Feb 1st, I am done! I am applying for my private Investigators license or real estate and am starting my life. ( I used to be a licensed PI, but had too much personal stuff to deal with, so I let it expire.)

 

Anyway, I think I vented a little too much but I just think it's really weird that our stories are so similar...but I can't go on living my life this way, I want to be happy again, not just living my life on "AUTO PILOT". With or without him.........

[FlyingHigh]

OMG! I think you we're married to my H/!! --

I think your husband and my stbX are twins!!! Bwaaahaaa-haaaa!

 

Your H's convincing lying, cheating ways are carbon copy of my X to a T! X told me and both counselors what they wanted us to hear and in turn the counselors gave him the answers he was looking for to validate his point of view. And if what they told him didn't work, he blamed it on them! And as long as you, the counselors and your priest buy into his convincing lies, he has no reason to change because it works.

 

Anyway, I have had enough, I am going to counseling w/ my kids, and I will go to IC. But if he does not go to IC by Feb 1st, I am done! I am applying for my private Investigators license or real estate and am starting my life. ( I used to be a licensed PI, but had too much personal stuff to deal with, so I let it expire.)

 

Anyway, I think I vented a little too much but I just think it's really weird that our stories are so similar...but I can't go on living my life this way, I want to be happy again, not just living my life on "AUTO PILOT". With or without him.........

OMG! Vent! Vent! Vent! That's what LS and why is/we're here for. In fact, it probably makes you look at your situation closer and help you be more decisive. It's funny and ironic that our stories are so similar. We went to the market and bought what we thought a red delicious apple. We took it home, took a bit into it, and damn, it wasn't apple! It was a tarty rotten plum! :D

 

It sounds like you've had enough, too. I think you're at the same point I was on 9/11. I was done!

 

But my husb is a good liar too. Thats the problem, I never trust in what he's telling me. No matter how insignificant it is.

Yep! Went through that! His friends/family took every word he said like pure gold! You can't believe a liar. They are as good as con artists. Rather than believing his words, I looked for UNordinary behaviors. That's how I caught him.

 

One thing that seems to be certain with both of our Hs, as long as you stay in that marriage and there's no sign of his recommittment to it (which doesn't seems to be because he continues to lie as it was with my X), he will continue to treat your marriage like a doormat.

 

I think the minute you start doing something for yourself as in getting your PI or RE license, that MARKS the beginning of the end of your marriage.

 

Your post tells me that deep down in your heart, it's over, isn't?

[lisapizza]

But hubby had other personal issues resulting from his upbringing of avoiding conflicts, repressing emotions and the inability to be honest. Saw more of his true colors as weeks/months went by.

 

 

Okay so this also is my h/, he is VERY INSECURE, non confrontational, represses emotions and willl lie just to avoid me getting angry at him for even trivial things (blaming me again). I mean I know I'm not perfect but I'm going to try to make my life better.

Frankly, I'm tired of beating myself up over what happened and accepting the blame for what he did. I know I can make it on my own.

 

To tell you the truth I also have thought he would stalk me after I left, He has that type of personality... i guess I am just really scared to make the move but I know I have to in order to be happy, I don't have the "in love" feeling for him anymore, I think of him like a companion or something, I don't know it's kinda weird....

[FlyingHigh]

Okay so this also is my h/, he is VERY INSECURE, non confrontational, represses emotions and willl lie just to avoid me getting angry at him for even trivial things (blaming me again).

Yep! That's my X! My X "appears" self-confident, but he isn't because he'd try so hard to make himself look "perfect". His looks also "helps" him "appear" confident. But once you start talking to him, he comes across insecure. What the hell did I ever see in him? Now I say this! Hindsight!!!

 

Frankly, I'm tired of beating myself up over what happened and accepting the blame for what he did. I know I can make it on my own

Did that too!!! And you will make it on your own!

 

... i guess I am just really scared to make the move but I know I have to in order to be happy,

This is normal and understandable. It's harder when you have kids. BUT, don't be afraid of the unknown. It's because of this fear of the unknown that causes people to not move forward. They're already programmed themselves to "fail" so they use the excuse of fear to justify not trying.

 

You won't know if you can make it on your own unless you try.

 

In case you live in a "fault" state you'll be on top financially. You've been married 22 years, you'll be entitled to lifetime alimony until you remarry, not to mention child support. If I were you, I'd start getting my ducks in a row:

 

1) Make a copy of your last two years tax returns if joint.

2) Make a copy of your H's current paystub and W-2. His paystub will show any deductions you are not aware of. You'd be amazed that this is how cheating spouse will finance their OW without their wives knowing.

3. Copies of bank statments you two own jointly.

4. Copy your H's pension, retirement, 401K, life insurance, and anything that has any value.

5. Copy of your house documents.

6. Start setting up your own emergency account/fund.

7. Start a paper trail with regards to the possibility that he might try to stalk you by contacting a lawyer or paralegal just to get the ball rolling.

 

You've got one advantage and that is your PI experience. Anyone you used to work with that could help you, start calling them and get their support and help. Check your state if it has a "stalking" law.

 

Check www.divorcenet.com for your state. There's a forum just like this that you might browse through.

 

I think of him like a companion or something, I don't know it's kinda weird....

Yep! Went through that too! Towards the end, he slept in the guest room. Stopped having dinner all together. He did his own thing, and I did mine.

 

Looks like you're on your way out, girl!

[lisapizza]

Just want to say to everyone who replied to my posts (and those who thought about it but never got a chance to) Thanks so much for your help, looks like I have some really tough things to do but it will be worth it in the end.

 

Funny.....I'm sitting here typing this.....staring at the big 2 ct. diamond wedding ring he gave me last year when he asked me to re-marry him, (in front of the kids of course) Just another thing to make himself look like such a "good guy". Of course whenever it was mentioned about renewing the vows, he would blame me for not doing it. Now I see what a joke it was....just something else to make him look good.

 

I think about actually leaving and it makes me feel so happy and free.I really know in my heart it's the right thing to do.

[FlyingHigh]

Funny.....I'm sitting here typing this.....staring at the big 2 ct. diamond wedding ring he gave me last year when he asked me to re-marry him, (in front of the kids of course) Just another thing to make himself look like such a "good guy". Of course whenever it was mentioned about renewing the vows, he would blame me for not doing it. Now I see what a joke it was....just something else to make him look good.

Yep! Stared at my rock too, before I took it off for good. The memory of our wedding flashed in but immediately flushed out by his deceit and lies. Then I thought about the ring I gave him and how often he must've conveniently removed it everytime he did his OW or whenever he felt like it. That thought alone made me take it off so fast that I just wanted to flush it down the toilet!

 

It's all a ploy, part of the plan to shift the blame on you if you're the one who divorces him. My X did that too.

 

Sell your ring and use it towards your divorce costs! At least it will be put to good use. List it on www.craigslist.com. After all, he sold out your marriage to the lowest bidder, his mistress.

 

My attorney charges me $400/hr. We could've settled out of court using a paralegal at my suggestion since we don't have any children, but hubby decided to be a dickhead so now, he may end up paying for court/legal costs and losing more in the end.

 

Unless you already know a great divorce attorney, (I didn't) ask your friends for referrals especially ones who recently divorced. One of my girlfriends is going through a nasty divorce (she has kids). Her attorney called me to get my deposition on her behalf because her X is accusing her of being an "unfit mother". Her attorney knew I was going through a divorce as well and gave me 3 referrals in my area. Even after I thought I decided on one, when I spoke to each one, I decided on the instant rapport and gut feelings I had with one of the referrals. She is the opposing counsel against my girlfriend's attorney. That's the funny part. Then after I met with and retained her, I researched her online and she was a part of a major litigation in a divorce case involving a major hi-tech firm AND she's a marathon runner! A friend of mine asked me where her office was. When I told him, he said, "Wow!" I asked why? He said, "She's in the high rent downtown district area which means her clients are exclusive and have money." And I said, "well, I don't". He said, "however you got her, consider yourself lucky".

 

Here's the best part. Because her opposing counsel who referred me is also her friend, she waived the $5000 minimum retainers fee (average attorneys I found $2500-3000) and she wrote a contract where I would pay as I go. This is rare and in fact there are NO attorneys who will do this. I take this as my blessing and I know the BIG Guy upstairs has a lot to do with it.

 

As far as setting up your own emergency fund, don't open a bank account that can be traced. You probably already know this...

 

And if you do live in a fault state, collect hard evidence of his affair(s) that will be used in court. Put your PI background to work. There are ways to do it technologically. My X thought I was computer illiterate. He didn't count on me being a quick learner. Got a lot of info from www.marriagebuilders.com on how to do it. This site was a life saver for me.

 

Yes, you do have some tough things to do. But like you said, it will all be worth it in the end. Hey, if you can do a 13mile marathon, you can do this!

 

Good luck. BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!

[lisapizza]

Well now it seems everyday that's going by I feel more sure about what I need to do.

 

 

We fought in front of the kids again this morning, all because my oldest son didn't want to help me w/ something, so my husb did it for him (which really aggrivated me). SO it ended up being another argument.

 

I am so tired of this vicious cycle. I feel like everyone in the family is so unhappy.

 

My next counseling appt is Tues ....

[FlyingHigh]

Well now it seems everyday that's going by I feel more sure about what I need to do.

 

We fought in front of the kids again this morning, all because my oldest son didn't want to help me w/ something, so my husb did it for him (which really aggrivated me). SO it ended up being another argument.

 

I am so tired of this vicious cycle. I feel like everyone in the family is so unhappy.

 

My next counseling appt is Tues ....

Lisa,

 

I'm going to give you the same "philosophical" advice I gave Dad_of_3, "Going thru hell...." who cheated on his wife but who is desperately trying to win his wife back. That advice is:

 

"I CANNOT CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF THE WIND BUT I CAN ADJUST MY SAILS"

 

You can go to counseling once a week for an hour until you turn blue, but what's important is what happens at the end of the day. In other words, if you stay, follow your therapist's advice, BUT you won't make the adjustments in your approach with regards to your husband's behavior, that "vicious cycle" will continue. Your marriage will stay inside that storm because neither one of you have made any adjustments to your marriage "sails". In fact, you've depended on him on what you initially thought he had the stength to do. But he's grossly failed in that department simply by his disrespect to you and your marriage.

 

Expect your husband WON'T be the one who will make any adjustments just BECAUSE you have "allowed" him too long to control your marriage even if you did it out of love. Except that he didn't do things out of love but for his own selfish reasons. And he continues to do it using your son/kids because 1) it gives him the power 2) he knows it aggravates you which you will eventually give in. This is your vicious cycle.

 

Use your counseling as a guide to understand and regain strength. BUT it still comes down to what happens after the session is over.

 

Imagine you're caught in a storm, your husband is too obsessed with himself to save you or the family. The marriage, at this point, is NOT salvagable because he hasn't acknowledged his part in it and has NO committment in joining you to save it! So, you've got two choices.

 

1) let the wind keep you whirling around in that storm until you sink OR

2) take control and start adjusting your sails so that you can sail out of that storm.

 

Right now, you're at number one. Question is:

 

How do you move on from number one? What will you do to get out of that storm?

[lisapizza]

You can go to counseling once a week for an hour until you turn blue, but what's important is what happens at the end of the day.

 

You hit it right on (again) I have seen at least half dozen counselors and have always walked away thinking.that's it?? That's all the advice there is??

" It's up to me and I'm stuck and don't know where to go from here, stay in the middle & stay mad, bitter and shut down, Or make a choice."

 

For crying out loud, I even went to the best counselor in my area that charged me $250. hr (no ins accepted.) She told me two years ago " You need to get the f*uc out now, before you ruin your kids lives." (that's about as blunt as you can get). But the truth is I've been terrified to put my kids thru divorce too.

 

I thought to myself, "I'll hang on until I can't take it anymore, just so they won't be hurt".....now I do realize that they will be more messed up seeing their parents going "thru the motions" for the rest of their lives. They know I don't care for this man anymore, my older son keeps asking me, "When are you guys getting remarried again. He saw him give me the ring over a yr ago (on his knees) but nothing since, no ceremony (just a show, to make him look like such a good person and to make me look like a b*tch) I remember being so mad that he did that to me but I didn't say anything..

 

I know I need to change the direction of my sails.....I've known that for a while..That's the real reason I posted here. To see if I was wrong to want out after so long, ....... I don't want to work on my marriage anymore, I'm done and he knows it. He has been asking me every day for a year if I still love him tries to do everything for me. That's when I feel bad...

 

I feel sorry for him now. I know he's a good person but just not the person I thought he was. I don't trust his character, he is weak, he is broke and does not want to fix it. I don't even know if he can, but that's not my concern, my concern is me and my kids, that's it. I begged him to go to IC. There's nothing more I can do, I feel like he does not love me enough to make himself better, just to look better in everyone else's eyes. Just so when I divorce him, he won't look like the bad guy.

 

 

Some wounds just are too deep to heal, no matter how hard you try, and believe me I have....

[lisapizza]

Well went to IC last Tues and I really think this counselor is going to help. She is very involved in our church (which was a coincidence ) I just picked her out of the Health Ins List. We have just recently joined a new church and I am trying to put a little more religion into helping my problems and hoping my children will enjoy learning more about God too.

 

But she feels I need to get in touch with who I am more. She asked me alot of ?? on my childhood, which I felt kinda silly discussing at 1st but it made me think of alot of things in my upbringing a little differently for the next days after my visit.

She also asked me what characteristics I look for in a mate and if my husband has these as well...(that's my homework). Anyway, I know this is going to be a long road but I have to do it for me & my kids.

 

Funny thing is, my h/ says he now searching for meaning in his life as well. He wants to becaome more involved in church and help somehow in the community. I don't know if he is just trying to make me think differently about him or what but he asks me daily if I still love him. He knows I am searching....for what, he is very insecure about.

 

I don't know about that but all I know is I will put IC first in my life until I feel better about everything. My childrens happiness comes first, no matter what. Whatever happens, happens ..my intentions are to be happy about life again, married of single, only time will tell..

[FlyingHigh]

Great to hear that you are going to IC. Your insurance doesn't cover therapy at all within your network? Look under your network's "mental health" which would cover marital counseling.

 

I know I need to change the direction of my sails.....I've known that for a while..That's the real reason I posted here. To see if I was wrong to want out after so long, ....... I don't want to work on my marriage anymore,

If you don't want to work on your marriage, then what is your plan with your marriage other than WAIT until the next blow up? What is your plan of exit? Or do you have any? Until you have a plan of exit, you are not only torturing yourself but delaying the inevitably. Or are you hoping that by some fate that your husband can convince you that he's a changed man that you may consider staying and give your marriage one last rescusitation or a CPR?

 

If you have no intentions in working on your marriage, then discuss with your husband the when, how, what, who? How will youtwo divy up the assets, house, etc? WHo will file for divorce? What will the terms of your divorce? And does your husband and children know where you stand?

 

Once you and he discuss these matters, you may find it difficult to deal with your own personal issues.

 

But she feels I need to get in touch with who I am more. She asked me alot of ?? on my childhood, which I felt kinda silly discussing at 1st but it made me think of alot of things in my upbringing a little differently for the next days after my visit.

Our childhood upbringing has a lot to do how we turn out as adults. In other words we are a sum product of our past. And it's our past that determines future behaviors. It's the cause and effect methodology. So yes, your IC will probably delve into your childhood/family realtionship for the next few weeks and try to determine a connection as to what's going on with you and help you understand yourself better.

 

I don't know about that but all I know is I will put IC first in my life until I feel better about everything. My childrens happiness comes first, no matter what. Whatever happens, happens ..my intentions are to be happy about life again, married of single, only time will tell..

Yes, your children's welfare and happiness is important. Remember that children's mentality, personality, character are shaped by their parents' mental state and the state of their marriage. So learn the need to take care of yourself and deal with the marriage so that your children will not repeat the same behavior patterns with regards to dealing with conflicts and issues.

 

Ever been an airplane where the flight attendants demo the use of the oxygen mask? If you listen carefully to the demo, the instruction goes something like this...

 

"If you are sitting next to a child, put your mask on first then assist the child and those around you who may need assistance."

 

What happens if you don't don on the mask first? You won't survive. Nor will your children.

 

Just another angle....

[lisapizza]

If you don't want to work on your marriage, then what is your plan with your marriage other than WAIT until the next blow up? What is your plan of exit? Or do you have any? Until you have a plan of exit, you are not only torturing yourself but delaying the inevitably. Or are you hoping that by some fate that your husband can convince you that he's a changed man that you may consider staying and give your marriage one last rescusitation or a CPR?....

 

Okay.my plan is to wait until after the 1st of the year,then tell him I want a divorce... I have been putting this off for so long now, I figure I will give my kids a last Christmas with us together.I know it sounds selfish but I feel sick about it, knowing that everyones lives are about to change forever because of me.

 

I remember when I was 17 and I ran away from home, I went to my best friends house and stayed for a week My friends parents called my parents and let them know I was there but I ended up missing my brothers 10th birthday. My parents had already planned a small party for him and when I eventually returned home I saw the pictures of the party. By the looks on their faces, I saw the pain and hurt that I had caused by leaving home and I felt horrible. I guess it's knda the same thing, knowing you are about to hurt alot of people badly but knowing it has to be done. It's a really hard thing to do...

 

The thing is, he knows I am done, his actions, what he says, this weekend he made a comment that I was looking for a new husband... I know he is trying to change my mind but I can't live my life this way anymore. It's going to be a hard holiday pretenting everything is fine but at this point there's not much else I can do.

 

I can't just calmy sit down and tell him I want out and not expect the sh#t to hit the fan. He is going to go nuts, that's how he has kept me for this long...it's all about control, he has been trying to control the situation for a long time but I can't do it anymore, pretend to the whole world that everything is fine,....I look at other couples and think "are they all pretending too??, "Maybe everyone is unhappily married but are too scared to pull the rug out from under everyones feet that they care about??"

[lisapizza]

Okay, Well now I am totally confused. My birthday was this weekend and he made me feel so special. He had the kids wake me up all together for my birthday sat morning and gave me my gifts. (like he always does)

 

We all went to breakfast and then spent the aftn walking around downtown @ a christmans celebbration for kids. Then we went to go have icecream. We dropped off the kids @ my mom's and then we went to a nice romantic dinner he had planned out. The thing is, I feel horrible because I don;t feel the same way I used to about him. I did not feel like "How sweet!! I love this man" I felt like I was out with my friend or something. No butterflies, no wanting to go home & make love to him, nothing...

 

He then promised we would all go to church Sun... and then he got up the next morning and did all the laundry for me before I even woke up, but then he ended up helping my older son w/ his project and said he had a migraine and did not get ready to go in time and I went with my younger son, just the two of us.

While I was gone, I felt so good for not staying home because that's what I normally would have done. I actually got upset because he didn't keep his promise to the kids and I again for not going to church, but today I feel horrible because I am finding fault in everything he does. He is trying to show me how much he loves me but I am refusing to accept it.

 

I feel like a failure, I feel empty, I don;t want sympathy, I guess I want to know if anyone else has been here too?? I have shut down to him and I feel like such a bit*h.Maybe this is all my fault?? Maybe I am in the middle of such a midles crisis I don't know what to think amymore??

 

He keeps asking me what's wrong but I don't want to tell him until after the holidays, Then I start to try to talk myself out of everything.

Hoping it's just going to get better......tomorrow......next week......next month.....after christmas....after our anniversary....etc,......What is happening to me?I think I'm going to loose my mind!!!!!!!!!