"I never said that!" Is your spouse a passive-aggressive type?

[Romeo Must Die]

Most of us have experienced some confusion and despair dealing with a spouse, other family member or close acquaintance. The behavior we want to discuss with you today is so frustrating because we do not know how to handle it and we cannot see the reason the person behaves so unreasonably. They become angry with us about things over which we have no control. We cannot seem to understand why they blame and punish us for things that happen to them that were not our responsibility. They seem helpless and bitterly angry at the same time. Their caustic remarks are excused as "teasing," or "I was only kidding with you," but they are designed to be derogatory and hateful. Psychologists have labeled what you are seeing in this person as PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE behavior.You can learn to deal confidently (and helpfully) with this kind of person if you understand a few basic elements of the personality type and take to heart some of the solutions and suggestions we would like to make.

 

 

Here are some "tips" for dealing effectively with passive-aggressive behavior.

 

1 - CLARIFY YOUR EXPECTATIONS

 

You want all conversations and agreements to be as concrete as possible. Keep notes, memos, call records. Passive-aggressives LOVE to say, "No you didn't," and "I never said that!"

 

2 - EXPECT RESULTS

 

Don't accept, excuse, or reward poor performance. Expect more than an apology for a mistake. Remember, the passive-aggressive is so full of self-pity that they think they should be able to commit any crime against you and you should forgive them just because they are more deserving of sympathy than others.

 

3 - BE OPEN MINDED AND AVOID DEFENSIVENESS

 

If some of their complaints have merit, then acknowledge that fact.

 

4 - BE FAIR

 

Take a look in the mirror at yourself. Sometimes we focus so much on the problems of others that we fail to see our own shortcomings. Be fair.

 

5 - GRACIOUSLY CHALLENGE DISTORTIONS AND UNTRUTHS

 

Note discrepancies between what the person has said and documented facts. You will never help them by "kicking-them-in-the-teeth" with an "I told you so!"

 

 

Passive-aggressives are ruled by four characteristics.

 

ANGER

 

Unresolved anger is why they are powder kegs and can go off with no notice like a time-bomb. They can smell fear and see it in your eyes and it makes them attack even more. DEAL WITH THIS PERSON THROUGH SELF-RESPECT AND SELF-CONTROL "Render not railing for railing," admonishes the scripture. Look their anger in the eye and remain calm and poised. Don't let them get the best of you. They begin to win when the shouting starts and you become defensive and angry at their inconsiderate behavior.

 

INSECURITY

 

This is why they will backstab and lie and say one thing to you and something else to another. They are attempting to manipulate the circumstance to their benefit. They feel out of control and this is one way they feel they can regain control that they have lost. Remember, they feel they are victims and that you and everyone else around them is to blame. DEAL WITH THIS THROUGH GENTLE CONFRONTATION Remember what the Word says. "A soft answer turneth away wrath," and "A man who is without self-control is like a city that is broken down and without walls." Gently tell them, but TELL THEM!

 

COMPLACENCY

 

This is why they thrive on feeling bad. They feel necessary when they are living on the "edge of chaos and disaster." They used to have a fire in their heart for life but circumstances and personal experiences that were left unresolved have destroyed their belief that things will work out for them. They have decided that because they believe they were treated so badly by a spouse, boss, parent, co-worker, or life in general that they might as well give up. They want you to give up as well and join in the bickering. It is for this reason that they love to be around complainers and whiners and unstable people. Misery really DOES love company. They feel better about themselves in the comparison. They are "the living dead" and want you to believe their misery is not their fault. If they are in their current situation, you should be as well. They are convinced that if others would listen to them and perform more effectively around them that they would be more successful.

 

DEAL WITH THIS THROUGH PERSONAL ENTHUSIASM. Stay focused on the things that matter to you the most. Do not miss your quiet time with God each day. It will center your spirit and give you a clear mind. Be a source of joy to all around you. Do not let this dysfunctional person steal your joy and make you believe you are not a good person because they are miserable. You cannot solve all of their problems.

 

FEAR

 

They have become so fearful that they cannot make decisions and do not trust anyone. They still think the opinions of little-known acquaintances carry more weight and can be trusted more than yours. They are terrified of what others think of them but take out their frustrations on those that are closest to them as a means of displacing their personal anxiety. They constantly say, "If I could just find one person in my life that I could trust, things would be better for me." They have the philosophy, "If you want to get something done, you have to do it yourself." They believe they are constantly dealing with stupid people who don't understand as much as they understand. They live in fear which is manifest by a total lack of trust of those that are closest to them.

 

DEAL WITH THIS THROUGH PERSISTENCE. You must not give up on what you believe is right. If you cannot change the situation then change the way you handle yourself IN the situation. It is our strong suggestion that you ask your spouse to go with you to a professional "listener." It might be a counselor with your insurance program or your pastor. Go to someone. Things do not have a way of improving by themselves. The passive-aggressive person will not take the lead because they think YOU NEED HELP and they don't. You must take the first step. Remember, this person has become who they are through a series of personal experiences of pain and grief.

 

[Romeo Must Die]

I posted this because I just got into it with the hubby over taxes. I had an extention and the accountant finally finished them up and he brought them home to sign and took his anxiety and frustration out on me.

 

I was on the computer & as I came downstairs and he was saying things like "this nightmare is your problem" and "this is your **** up" because he fears being audited. We are not being audited, but we got a letter because he sold some stock and their transaction/records got to the IRS before our taxes were finished and he saw that as a potential threat. We are hardly income tax evaders and he is certianly no Al Capone. Yeah, it took me awhile to do them, but since I had more time to spend on them, we will be getting back a 6k refund which is way more than he even dreamed of. He snapped at me before reverting back into his goofy, happy go lucky self and then completely forgot what he said like it never happened at all.

 

WTF I could have slapped him. I cant turn it on and off like he does.

 

[Guest]

Romeo, are you a professional in this field? A licensed professional? Just curious, your post seems so full of surety.

[princessa]

Here's the book lying around on my desk at work: "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man", by Scott Wetzler.

 

After reading this article, and making my guy answer questions to probe whether he would correspond to the set of characteristics described at the end of the article, HE GOT LIKE 9/12!!!!!!!!!!! So yeah I bought the book and am thouroughly studying it.... It's interesting.. but at some point it's so much effort that you get frustrated and start to wonder whether it's really worth it....

[Romeo Must Die]

No I am not a professional psychiatrist (anymore than I am a certified public accountant, lol) but I personally have been dealing with this issue for many (many) many years as a wife of a P-A. Romeo is the master of the game. I am merely a player.

 

As humans, we are all equally insecure and have the same feelings inside as the P-A (anger, complacency) but they are very clever and manipulative in an arguement to get what they want. The P-A just doesnt know what they want is and really neither does his spouse.

 

It is clearly my own fault for not getting the taxes completed on time this year. No excuses. However, he already admonished me for this in February and I sought an accountant for help because it was quite difficult for me to do this alone.

 

The taxes were completed last week, and we just had to sign and mail them to the IRS. Because of his insecurity, his fears, Romeo insulted me twice and then he acted like he didn't say anything to me at all. "What is your problem, RMD? I didn't say that."

 

Thanks for the book ideas, princess. Hey, you know, if it doesnt work we can always throw it at their head. Maybe then they'll get it?

 

[princessa]

Thanks for the book ideas, princess. Hey, you know, if it doesnt work we can always throw it at their head. Maybe then they'll get it?

 

The book is actually pretty interesting, I recommend it. As for throwing it at their head.. well that usually is my first reaction.. and no it doesnt work because they just shut you out even more, and become even more argumentative, and have an additional motivation to be stubborn and make it YOUR FAULT

 

I'm curious.. how is it to be wife of a P-A? Does it get more frustrating or less frustrating over the years? Patience is not one of my qualities and sometimes I ask myself why do i try to work around the unnecessary arguments when it's so frustrating instead of just bouncing.....

[JadeStar]

My husband is passive agressive. I have a tendency to be that way as well at times. Its not on going, all the time though. I have used the name "Mopey" the 8th dwarf to my husband before because their are times thats the way he acts. It matters not what the situation is, he usually likes to throw himself a pity party reguardless of what the problem might be, and project it over on to me. It is hard or can be, to deal with/live with a passive agressive person, but I think if the spouse can understand how to deal with it better it will help things. My counselor has said in the past he thinks my husband is actually "active agressive." He says SOMETIMES passive agressive people don't even relaize they are acting/saying the things they are. An "active agressive" person, knows what they are doing and saying when they do it. They purposly act a certain way or do a certain thing to piss off another person, to get them angry so they feel better or more in control. To me, thats worse than passive agression. JMO.

 

 

 

Jade

[Romeo Must Die]

The book is actually pretty interesting, I recommend it. As for throwing it at their head.. well that usually is my first reaction.. and no it doesnt work because they just shut you out even more, and become even more argumentative, and have an additional motivation to be stubborn and make it YOUR FAULT

 

I'm curious.. how is it to be wife of a P-A? Does it get more frustrating or less frustrating over the years? Patience is not one of my qualities and sometimes I ask myself why do i try to work around the unnecessary arguments when it's so frustrating instead of just bouncing.....

 

 

At first it was really hard. He was emotionally abusive towards me for many years. There was a lot of name calling. Rages. Banging fists on the table until everyone in the room heard him and cowtowed to him. I saw that in his mom when she would visit. It was a terrible thing to live in fear. Later, he would become passive towards me at home (chosing not to deal with issues) and then he sought an AP to deal with our problems, which is aggressive. He has changed alot since then, but it had to come from within. He had to try to learn how to be diplomatic without being a tyrant.

 

Alot of this he learned from his father, whom he despises. I however, compliment him and I can charm the skin off a snake. I wouldnt give him the satisfaction of throwing the book at him because then (as you said) it would become my fault. I just needed to vent that feeling I have towards this exact behaviour. It's frustrating. It's manipulative. It's childish. On the outside I am smiling but inside I am torn apart. I also feel like leaving when that happens, but that is not my true feelings. Its just a reaction to hurt. I have learned to outsmart him in an attack.

 

The taxes are an issue with him, but he created the environment for self pitying rather than dealing with it himself. He needs to be strong for himself. I cant resolve everything for him. Under pressure, he blamed me and referred to it as a nightmare, put me down and exagerated that I "****ed up" and then when he realized his error, he denied it. I didn't deny that I had taken a long time to complete the taxes. I took responsibility for my behaviour WITHOUT taking responsibility for his. I suggested that he went back to the accountants office this afternoon to get the reassurance he needed from a professional because I refused to lower myself or allow him to degrade me. That probably cost another 100.00 for her valuable time, but how else is he going to learn not to over-react to situations he is not in control of.

 

I am not his Mommy. I am his equal. I get respect by showing respect without disrespecting myself in front of him.

 

Peace

 

[Romeo Must Die]

Check out reviews of the book by people effected by P-A...

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/customer-reviews/0671870742/ref=cm_cr_dp_2_1/103-1633211-5641404?ie=UTF8&customer-reviews.sort%5Fby=-SubmissionDate&n=283155

 

 

 

The part that is most difficult, is a passive aggressive man does not see how destructive his ways are. He is wearing that tainted lens. Negativistic. So even when you point out what he is doing that is sabotaging your relationship, he still denies it. While I do believe there is resolution for issues even with a passive aggressive man, the tricky part is, he has to WANT to get help. And that is where it is so difficult. A person who is angry, petty, envious and selfish is not likely to see their faults. They are too skewed by their dysfunction. My best advice to any woman reading this, that is with a passive aggressive man is get away!

 

 

 

 

I'll give this book a well deserved 2 stars for showing the identical patterns of a passive-agressive man. They make it all your fault, and refuse to take responsibility for their own words or actions, everything is blamed on you, their stories are twisted with convenient amnesia over events that happened, and you begin to wonder if you are losing your mind, or if there is something wrong that YOU did!

 

I recommend this book to see the signs if perhaps you are a parent, or a relative, but there is nothing you can do to heal a PA, they have to get professional help and heal themselves! It's NOT your job to "hang in there" as this book suggests. It is your job to get out of the relationship to save whatever sanity you might have left!

 

 

 

 

Dr. Wetzler showed me that while I didn't CREATE a passive-agressive man (mama did!), I certainly contributed to the problem. This book is NOT about changing your man; it's about setting limits on his behavior, and then letting him run his own life. He explained that it takes two to tango, and I finally understood that MY attitude had to change. I now know to let my husband run his own life. I no longer speak for him, lie for him, or make his decisions for him. If something is on his mind, I encourage him to speak up. I took Dr. Wetzler's advice and backed off. My husband knows that I am on his side, ALWAYS, and that his opinions count.

[SampoNumber5]

Thanks for the great list! I have started to suspect that my GF has passive-aggressive personality. It has helped me to react in a cool way to her abuses, when I know she is just doing it to p**s me off.

 

However, I do not know which is "real" her. The loving or the scornful? And, I don't know whether I should stay because I love her more than anyone in my life, or should I leave because she cannot be healed? How can I get her recognise she might have a problem? I think her problem stems from distant/non-supportive parents (possibly P-A mother).

 

I don't think I can ask her to get counseling yet. But what can I do to help the situation know? How can I let her know "softly" that she might want to ask outside help?

[princessa]

Thanks for the great list! I have started to suspect that my GF has passive-aggressive personality. It has helped me to react in a cool way to her abuses, when I know she is just doing it to p**s me off.

 

However, I do not know which is "real" her. The loving or the scornful? And, I don't know whether I should stay because I love her more than anyone in my life, or should I leave because she cannot be healed? How can I get her recognise she might have a problem? I think her problem stems from distant/non-supportive parents (possibly P-A mother).

 

I don't think I can ask her to get counseling yet. But what can I do to help the situation know? How can I let her know "softly" that she might want to ask outside help?

 

Well it's really hard to tell what the best way is to bring this up.. People often don't wanna face their flaws, especially when it's somebody else pointing them out... My experience: I was scared to talk about this with my guy cause I thought that he'd thing I was judging him or whatever.. I was scared of him getting mad at me... But then I took the questionnaire that I mentioned in the post above, from the following article

http://www.simonsays.com/content/book.cfm?tab=25&pid=404304&agid=2

 

I memorized the 12 traits and their descriptions, and softly asked him questions about his life in general and sprinkled in these traits:

 

-- Fear of dependency. Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs -- usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battlegrounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support.

 

 

-- Fear of intimacy. Guarded and often mistrustful, the passive-aggressive man is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights just to create distance between you.

 

 

-- Fear of competition. Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power -- male or female. Few passive-aggressive men are "good sports."

 

 

-- Obstructionism. Just tell the passive-aggressive man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he'll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way.

 

 

-- Fostering chaos. The passive-aggressive man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone, taking on more and more responsibilities until his life is nothing but unfinished business. He sets up ongoing chaotic situations that are intolerable if your life is linked to his. But should you offer a useful suggestion to improve things, just watch his resentment grow.

 

 

-- Feeling victimized. The passive-aggressive man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reproach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades.

 

 

-- Making excuses and lying. The passive-aggressive man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not getting to a meeting on time, making love, meeting deadlines, fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love -- to have power over you -- the passive-aggressive man may choose to make up a convoluted story rather than give a straight answer. Not only is he a genius at ignoring reality when he so chooses, so he is a virtuoso at spinning tales to make reality look better.

 

 

-- Procrastination. The passive-aggressive man has an odd sense of time -- he believes that deadlines don't exist for him. As he dawdles and procrastinates far beyond most anyone else's limit of patience, opportunities are lost and time is squandered.

 

 

-- Chronic lateness and forgetfulness. One of the most infuriating and inconsiderate of all passive-aggressive traits is this man's inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting ("Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to pick up the groceries") is, literally, not to be believed -- it's too convenient and self-serving, used only when he wants to avoid an obligation.

 

 

-- Ambiguity. He's the master of mixed messages and sitting on fences, and his language is filled with nonspecific suggestions. He's good at "maybe we can go away for the weekend...let's hang loose...maybe we can have dinner." When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.

 

 

-- Sulking. Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the passive-aggressive man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws. Deep sighs are his preferred mode of communication, which makes reaching him all the more difficult.

So for example, to test for his fear of intimacy, I'd say something like "Do you think you have a hard time dealing with feelings and talking about your feelings to other people"... It shouldn't sound like a questionnaire... Then when I got enough "yes" answers to these.. I told him.... you know, sometimes when we argue I find it really hard.. and I was reading an article about why it might be so.... anyway something like that.. you gotta really be gentle..... then print out the article and let her read it on her own... don't be confrontational, just act like it's a suggestion or something... Then if she takes the time to read it maybe it will make her reflect on how she acts with you...

[Chapter2]

I had no idea passive aggression involved all of this. It sounds like emotional abuse to me and in my ignorance I've said things like "they've being passive aggressive" but I obviously didn't really know what I was saying.

 

A passive aggressive sounds as hard to live with as a narcissist. I've been told overcoming narcissism is bleak at best but it sounds like unless a person is willing to admit that they operate, communicate and relate in a passive aggressive manner then there really isn't hope for change unless the other person in the relationship does the changing?

 

Well it's really hard to tell what the best way is to bring this up.. People often don't wanna face their flaws, especially when it's somebody else pointing them out... My experience: I was scared to talk about this with my guy cause I thought that he'd thing I was judging him or whatever.. I was scared of him getting mad at me... But then I took the questionnaire that I mentioned in the post above, from the following article

http://www.simonsays.com/content/book.cfm?tab=25&pid=404304&agid=2

 

I memorized the 12 traits and their descriptions, and softly asked him questions about his life in general and sprinkled in these traits:

 

So for example, to test for his fear of intimacy, I'd say something like "Do you think you have a hard time dealing with feelings and talking about your feelings to other people"... It shouldn't sound like a questionnaire... Then when I got enough "yes" answers to these.. I told him.... you know, sometimes when we argue I find it really hard.. and I was reading an article about why it might be so.... anyway something like that.. you gotta really be gentle..... then print out the article and let her read it on her own... don't be confrontational, just act like it's a suggestion or something... Then if she takes the time to read it maybe it will make her reflect on how she acts with you...

[princessa]

Well there are levels of this... All these traits put together would give you one extreme.... I think it's also possible to have some kind of mild expression of these in one's character. Also just because you correspond to some of these traits doesn't make you a complete and total PA who has a character problem.. I myself have some traits described above... Nothing's black and white.. and if you do find that your partner's actions are disruptive to your relationship then you should reevaluate whether it's worth staying with them and adjust to these traits of character.... I know that a lot of people do say that it's impossible to live with the PA, but I think you have to find whether it's something that's and extreme case and is indeed impossible to deal with, or whether there's hope for working it out... It's a personal decision, really.

[Unimpressed]

Is there anything GOOD about a passive-aggressive man? Any advantages? It makes the passive-aggressive man sound like the devil.

[SampoNumber5]

Thanks. I looked through the test and thought that my GF definitely has 6 or 7 of the traits and maybe few others in mild form.

 

I don't think PA person is as bad to be with as a narcist although I have never dated one. Also, I have read that PA person can be treated much better than a narcist.

 

In my case, my GF fortunately does not have the more destructive traits like being late just to annoy you or really trying to p**s me off. She has a very negative view of her life and her chances in it as well as feels that others have it so easy because of rich parents or so (even in the face of contrary evidence). Her aggresiveness is not that "passive" at all, really. But it fits in my opinion to PA, as she might for example insist that we cuddle and make love instead of cleaning. Afterwards, she explodes because I have not cleaned up! She also constantly tries to make me run her small errands. These are quite easy to take as I firmly but calmly explain her that she is being illogical and refuse to be bullied. This I did even before I read this thread but it feels encouraging to know that it is the right thing to do.

 

I have noticed that a laughter helps often in these outbursts if I don't do it in patronising way. She complains then that I don't take her seriously but starts to laugh herself and usually hugs me. She must realise that her ploy has failed. She actually seems relieved then. What I find hard, is to tune myself to "real" issues. It takes some practise as some spilt water on the floor deserves a same full frontal attack as forgotten date for ball room dancing

 

What gives me hope is that she does not have problems with showing her love too much, although she sometimes reminds me that she does not need me and so on (on the other hand she is rather clingy). She does claim however, that I am a first person she feels comfortable with and she is pretty open about having ran away and shutign down emotionally in the first sign of trouble before.

[princessa]

Is there anything GOOD about a passive-aggressive man? Any advantages? It makes the passive-aggressive man sound like the devil.

 

They're good at politics. I get off on watching my man argue with other people

[Aquarius Guy]

Agressive as a bad habit in Passive Agressive.

 

Tirades of impolite, inconsiderate remarks is something my wife uses occasionally as a negotiating tactic.

 

It is like she is putting on a show. So I need some show stopper phrases.

 

Maybe, "Apparently you don't feel I am sufficiently devoted to you."

 

A more direct statment might be, "I would like to feel a more loving attitude from you, when you discuss your wishes for change."

 

My wife seems to like to push me to the limit of offering her a divorce, before she will back off.

[Aquarius Guy]

DIRECTING A CHANGE IN DIRECTION OF FOCUS:

 

Another approach to handling an angry outburst from a spouse might be to change the focus of the individual issuing the tirade.

 

Maybe acknowledge the validity of part of what they are talking about, and find something related, that can be discussed wtih less emotion.

 

The use of Charm as a method of changing the subject might be a loving strategy.

 

A relationship should be a place to vent frustrations, but theventing should be kept to a minimum, to avoid overshadowing the value of the loving interactions.

[nancyleeh]

My husband is passive aggressive and I could relate to everything said in these posts. It is like living with two different people and you never know which one will show up from moment to moment. I've used many of the tactics mentioned and at some point I noticed that in certain situations he would seem to be having an epiphany and understood that his thoughts and actions may be inappropriate. And then, the next day or a week later it's like he has amnesia and has totally forgotten his epiphany. So I have learned that he really doesn't 'get it' at all and that he is playing the of 'getting it' to appease me and it is just another passive aggressive way to manipulate me.

 

Learning about how to not react and using the tools listed in other posts and in books I've read, has helped me be more in control of myself which takes away some of the turmoil he tries to create. I can't say he is better but I am. His personality traits are alive and well, he just doesn't have the fertile ground (me) to dig in the dirt as much as he used too. We have been together for 20 years and I can read him like a book but I still wake up every morning wondering what the day will bring and I still find it incredibly frustrating to live with him.

 

 

nanchleeh