Has Anyone ever survived Cheating?

[slimmontana]

Hi I'm 29 been with my girlfriend now ex for 3 years she is 26. She just disclosed to me that she slept with another guy...I hate her for what she did..but a part of me misses her so much that I hope we can reconcile in the future..If I can find the strength to forgive her and maybe we can build a brand new better relaitonship. Basically it feels like my best friend just died. I did so much for her..I can't just accept her the way she is that would be setting myself up for failure ..but I miss her..I miss the way we were..I am an eternal optomist I need stories of anyone who survived their significant other being intimate with someone else. How did they reconcile the relationship? I would love to have her in my life but due to circumstances..its best that I disappear for awhile..Its not gonna be easy help me out over ..

 

Pain-

[Bryanp]

I think you need to know why she slept with another guy and under what circumstances. Did she use protection and did she put you at risk for STD's. Why was she willing to do this to you and your relationship? Not to be a downer but past behavior is generally the best predictor of future behavior. Ask yourself why did you not cheat on her and what allowed her to give herself permission to cheat on you? Surely she must have known that this would probably destroy her relationship with you. Did she confess or was she caught? What were her reasons?

[slimmontana]

I don't know I'm trying to sort all of that out now...No I'm not at risk for any STd's it just sucks the whole thing sucks..Guess I have to talk to her in depth to find out why. She told me because I notice she was acting different towards me..Its a lot right now...I got to find out more..I just thought she was the one

[Baybee9404]

Being cheated on by my boyfriend of 4 years i honestly believe you dont get over it. I know by him doing that to me it destroyed our friendship and trust and i dont ever believe a word he says and i am always second guessing where he is or if he did something how long it took him to do it. I never got over it and i never will. I got very jealous and angry all the time so i had to end it and now i am happer.

[Flyin in Clouds]

You aren't married, don't have kids. MOVE ON... and don't cry over her. She's a slut. Yes, she's a slut for what she did. She's dishonest, deceitful and a liar. So why stay with someone like that? Why put yourself through a wringer for someone like that? Yeah, I now it is hard but at least she did this before you married her. The best revenge is to live well. Find another woman that is hotter and better in every way than your ex.

[slimmontana]

I agree with you Fly In The Clouds.its just hard to get a handle on the situation we were supposed to be taking a break its just hard to figure out how you invest so much into a person and they only think about themselves in the end..I'm gonna actually post the email she sent me..As a way to get feedback. I don't want to say she said this that and this. This is the email she sent me I sorta of knew she had sex with him but this really confirmed it:

 

 

Here is her email that she sent to me today..

 

First I want to start off by letting you know how much I appreciate you and all that you have done for me as well as taught me in life. You have played a huge role in my life and I don’t know anyone that would have been down for me like you have. We’ve been through a lot, most of which I brought to the relationship but the fact that you forgave me for so much and were willing to help me become a better person means more to me than you will ever know. Your love is true and genuine no doubt, your ambition and drive is astounding to me. You are a great man despite your flaws and you deserve nothing more than the best out of life. You have a kind heart and a free spirit, you’re caring and nurturing to those that are down for you. Words can’t express how I feel about you and how grateful I am for you being a part of my life. It’s so hard for me right now, I cant begin to express to you the sadness that I feel inside how much it hurts me to know that I again ruined a perfect relationship. I wasn’t willing to put friends aside, male associates or my pride to work on our relationship. I just wanted to do what I wanted at that moment in time. I’ve destroyed a lot of great things about us and I am truly sorry for ever hurting you or causing you pain. Because I love you so much and only want the best for you, it’s easier for me to let you go so that you can be happy and be with someone that will cherish you respect you and be there for you in ways I chose not to. I think about all of the arguments, the fights, and disagreements, my stubbornness that didn’t allow me to fully open up to you and me thinking I was right all the time. it hurts so much and I’m just disgusted with myself and by my actions. I may never find a man that can live up to your standards or one that will love me the way you have. All I want you to do now is be happy and enjoy life, you will meet a lot of interesting women and I’m sure there are women better than me out there.

 

 

 

The truth about John which I know your dying to know is this: I met him when I first moved to Orange , we never spoke we just hi and bye period. It was one of those things that you never thought about happening but one day we had conversation and I found him to be an intriguing person. Not knowing his age, he appeared to be mature and intellectual. We hung out at my house (in the living room) like 2 times never longer than a half hour. One day I called him to come visit me and he told me how he felt about me. I just brushed it off and said whatever you’re a young buck you cant do nothing for me. By this time it was mid September. He was always respectful and he never tried anything. the most he did was hug me good bye or give me forehead kisses. By the end of September we probably hung out a few times weekly, you and I were going through the motions still and I honestly figured it was nothing because of his age and our status. Now I have to admit there are feelings there on both ends. I don’t need to repeat how he makes me feel and all the other stuff. I told him about my relationship with you and I never lead on that there will be anything between us. Sometime last month we did have sex, I said we didn’t because I hate for you to think of me as a slut or easy but if that’s your thoughts about me I have to accept that. I know that I’m not cuz if I was I would have been with way more people and cheated on you. I still feel that I haven’t cheated on you because I know I haven’t. Anyway John helped me get a phone with Verizon because he know what was going on with us sharing a plan. I wasn’t going to give you the # because after all of this I didn’t think we would be talking at all. Other than that, there’s not much more to tell. Right now he wants me to decide what is best for me and who I want to be with. He doesn’t want to get hurt just like you don’t and trust me, I don’t want to hurt anyone.

 

 

 

The last few weeks that passed were crazy emotional weeks from you me and him. I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen but I do know that before he was even thought about you and I had our issues, I’ve been saying the same thing since June—you and I need a break. Only because of all the wrong I’ve done and your emotions, we just need to be centered and level headed, right now I’m not grounded, I’m on an emotional rollercoaster and it’s not ending. I need to be with myself and you need to be with yourself. I cant say if we will ever be again, only GOD knows that. I’m going to end it here. I’m waiting for your response.

 

 

 

I do love you, that will NEVER change!

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree with you Fly In The Clouds.its just hard to get a handle on the situation we were supposed to be taking a break its just hard to figure out how you invest so much into a person and they only think about themselves in the end..I'm gonna actually post the email she sent me..As a way to get feedback. I don't want to say she said this that and this. This is the email she sent me I sorta of knew she had sex with him but this really confirmed it:

 

I am in the same boat here, but my EX finally came clean and professed I am her true love and she hopes that I can forgive her. I think I possibly can, but it's going to take some work on her end. I doubt things will work out, but I will keep an open mind anyway.

 

As for the letter, wow I must say it's intriguing. Sounds like she is trying to be honsest and express to you her true feelings, but it also sounds to me like she is having/had an affair and is very confused. It sounds like she is involved already emotionally in this guy, and if that's the case there is not much you can do. I think you are doing the right thing by staying away from her. The more you disconnect, the more she will think about you. I would seriously consider moving on with your life. She did try to rationalize her cheating which is typical of someone who is trying to minimize their guilty behaviour.

 

My EX stated to me that she will do anything to gain my trust, and says she wants to exist with me and only me forever. How I feel, (B.S) right now and I will wait to see if she really shows this by actions and not by words. In other words, I'm not going to run back to her arms untill I'm certain that she is doing what she said by actions, not words.

 

Good luck, hope thing work out for ya.

[slimmontana]

How long were you with your ex? I hope things work out for oyu too..

[slimmontana]

Thanks Baybee! This can only make me better in the long run.

[Rooster_DAR]

How long were you with your ex? I hope things work out for oyu too..

 

Almost five years, were were engaged and living together in a new house we just bought together. We have been together for a long time, and we both worked our way up from being poor to having a very comfortable living with good careers. Perhaps that is what she remembering, or perhaps she is struggling financially now and that's the only reason she wants me back. These statements make me realize I still do not trust her intentions, and it will take some work on her part to show me that she is worthy of a great man such as myself. I'm just running on idle here, and I am not going to put forth any great efforts until I'm convinced she is on the up and up.

 

Cheers!

[slimmontana]

5 years is a long time..so what were the circumstances that made her cheat on you?

[Rooster_DAR]

5 years is a long time..so what were the circumstances that made her cheat on you?

 

She is in a position at work that takes her out of town and shacks her up in nice hotels in big cities with her co-workers. She is gone for months on end, and works everyday of the week along with her co-workers. They get bored sometimes and go out together to ease the tension and stress at work. I believe she got close to a male co-worker and things probably progressed from there. I was very uneasy about her doing this again because last time she developed an emotional bond with another male co-worker last time she went. We were able to overcome that, but the following year came around and she was gone even longer and this time things were worse.

 

I can understand how these things happen, but I think people that understand love and commitement should not put themselves into this position. It's very similar IMO to celebrities that do movies shoots in other countries, and spend lot's of time with their counterparts in romantic places, things fall together and the next thing you know they are exhanging intimate details about their life. It's an attraction that I believe happens naturally and those who undertand that they are threatening know how to stay away from that. Women are easily drawn into emotional affairs, so it's probably harder on them. Men OTOH, are drawn to sex and attraction, so men are more likely IMO to have a one night stand than an emortional affair.

 

That is my perspective of what happened, and after she finally disclosed the information I was right on target. I love her very much, but I'm not sure she is the kind of person that knows how to fight off attraction and emotional bonding. That's the part I need to decide for myself, do I love her enough to try again or should I invest my time in someone who understands these issues and will be more faithful in the long term.

 

I feel like I am a very reasonably intelligent man, and I learned my lesson by cheating on a girl I was with very early in life (16 years old). After that, I have never strayed outside of any of my relationships, and like to think I understand what a mature relationship is all about.

 

Good luck!

[TylerC]

Dump her. You are still young, and there are plenty of other women out there that won't cheat on you.

[Rooster_DAR]

Dump her. You are still young, and there are plenty of other women out there that won't cheat on you.

 

Most of them are fat and ugly though!

 

[Cronus]

Read the sig.

 

She cheated on you. She does not have repect for you. What will you do the next time it happens?

Instead of worrying about memories you had with her, build new ones somewhere else.

[reservoirdog1]

I know that I’m not cuz if I was I would have been with way more people and cheated on you. I still feel that I haven’t cheated on you because I know I haven’t.

What the hell does this mean? It's only cheating if SHE thinks it's cheating? God, cheaters say some of the craziest sh*t when they're trying to justify their actions.

 

Dude, you're not married to her, and you have no kids with her. At least you learned the truth before you married her... some of us weren't so lucky. I know it hurts like hell right now, but move on. There are other, better women out there (and no, they're NOT all fat and ugly). Since splitting from my cheating XW, I've dated a number of women who were better in many ways, more honest, and hotter.

 

Her cheating will lurk in a corner of your mind for as long as you stay with her. You will NEVER forget as long as she's a part of your life. Maybe you'll learn to forgive eventually, but why would you want to commit yourself to a woman who's already done such monumental damage to your relationship? Why would you want to put in the sh*tloads of work necessary to overcome that where there's nothing (e.g. kids, a legally recognized relationship, much shared property) binding you together? Where you do have one or more of those things, I'd suggest trying to make it work. But you're young, and you've got your whole life ahead of you. Don't throw it away by chaining yourself to somebody who doesn't deserve you.

[Cecelius]

slim -- her letter was her letting you know that the world is HER show, and she assumes you want desparately to be in it. It's insulting.

 

Second, she's done. Basically, she'll keep you around because she assumes it has emotional value to you to be allowed to talk to her, but this is not contrition -- this is a sick narrative.

 

Astound her with your manly resolve. Forget she existed and wish that poor chump the best of luck.

[2sunny]

Most of them are fat and ugly though!

 

 

this is so NOT TRUE!

 

i believe that you will either be a cheater OR you WON'T!

 

Looks have nothing to do with it! I am a very attractive gal, and I never cheated! Same with my brothers - I KNOW they would never do that.... maybe it has to do with a person's upbringing and moral value system.

 

If you never consider it - then hopefully you attract a person who will be in the same mindset...

[slimmontana]

slim -- her letter was her letting you know that the world is HER show, and she assumes you want desparately to be in it. It's insulting.

 

Second, she's done. Basically, she'll keep you around because she assumes it has emotional value to you to be allowed to talk to her, but this is not contrition -- this is a sick narrative.

 

Astound her with your manly resolve. Forget she existed and wish that poor chump the best of luck.

 

its very hard to comprehend how much effort I put to makes this relationship work..and to end up with nothing but a sick feeling of her being with another man. We did not have the perfect relationship as a matter of fact we were supposed to take a break and work on ourselves and resolve our differences. She said if she wanted to have sex with anybody it would be me. Then he came into the picture because she allowed him to. She said she needed stability from me. How is a 19 year old going to give her stability? She said he makes her feel so different not even on a sexual level. But yet she gets jealous over the fact that I date other girls now. People get caught up in the moment...I think she has issues way beyond the cheating I always thought I could have helped her..but the reality is she needs to help herself. Its going to take me a while before I commit to anybody again. Sometimes I'm fine then I get moments where I get real angry on the inside and I start picturing her with him. All I can do is become better because of this experience. But the process sucks sometimes.

[g-dubbs]

I can definetley speak on this because the way you sound is the way I felt when I was cheated on. I forgave my wife 4 years ago for her infedelity but I never forgot or truly got over it. It has effected every aspect of my life and it has even made me a different person. It has effected my confidence in my self and my trust in her. There is never going to be a good reason for for why she did it. I am in the middle of leaving my wife now after 10 years of marrige. It has been 4 years since she has cheated and although I love her dearly still We have never been able to get back to the old times. If you cannot forgive and forget (truly forget) then your better of just leaving now.

[Rooster_DAR]

this is so NOT TRUE!

 

i believe that you will either be a cheater OR you WON'T!

 

Looks have nothing to do with it! I am a very attractive gal, and I never cheated! Same with my brothers - I KNOW they would never do that.... maybe it has to do with a person's upbringing and moral value system.

 

If you never consider it - then hopefully you attract a person who will be in the same mindset...

 

2sunny, I was just being a little sarcastic. There are plenty of attractive people out there with their heads on straight, last time I checked I was one of them.

[slimmontana]

What do I say? My ex girl calls me today..she calls everyday now that I think about it..She asked me do I think about her? Since I haven't been calling her doing the NC thing she calls me at work where I don't have caller id and I picked up..she proceeded to tell me all about whats going on Really nothing that interests me..I just don't know how to answer her. This whole break up thing is going to make me stronger make me learn more about love and relationships. It feels awkward talking to her sometimes...I just answered her question with a question " do you think of me?" she said yeah..so I dunno..I know her well enough to know that she is looking for an in..

[James8888]

I'm going to be a bit blunt here and give you some reality therapy. I'll tell you what dude, she really doesn't love you. If she did she wouldn't have done what she did and wouldn't have wanted the time apart. She just needs your emotional support. I hate to be blunt but it's so obvious for all of us to see this. It's just hard for you to see it. Her letter was more of a way of making herself feel better, not you. Your best course of action it to do just what your'e doing. Get away from her, find your self-esteem again and date others. It'll make here crazy. She thinks she has you under her thumb. You sound like a nice guy and guess what, girls like her crush nice guys if given the chance. I'll bet this guys she sees is kind of a dick...a bad boy so to speak. Maybe you should be a bit of dick to her now. I'll bet she starts crawling. Best thing you can do is to live well and that's the best revenge.

 

If later, she learns her lesson then maybe you can take another look at her. But, I'll bet you won't. You'll find a better girl that treats you with respect and is true. A hotter one too! That'll make her really think about what she did. You'll probably not be with her in the end but maybe you can save some other NICE guy down the line the heartbreak you now feel. Be the better person. Oh, and if this starts getting bad for you again, go talk to a counselor. I did that once after a bad break up. It was the single best thing I ever did for the situation and I started to get better right away. Trust me, you'll feel alot better if you do.

[Guest]

Thanks James! Yeah she is already crawling..She is coming to grips with the reality of what she did. I'm healing. I'm just focused on myself right now. It is making her crazy that I go out with other girls. If doesn't learn to be a better person from this experience, I don't think nothing will.

 

If she does change that would be great for her I think the worst is over for me because I can't keep looking back or else I will never move forward. ..she wants to reconcile but we are a long long way from that. In time I know if I keep putting that good positive energy out there someone much better will be there for me. Because I deserve it!

[slimmontana]

Thanks James! Yeah she is already crawling..She is coming to grips with the reality of what she did. I'm healing. I'm just focused on myself right now. It is making her crazy that I go out with other girls. If doesn't learn to be a better person from this experience, I don't think nothing will. If she does change that would be great for her I think the worst is over for me because I can't keep looking back or else I will never move forward. ..she wants to reconcile but we are a long long way from that. In time I know if I keep putting that good positive energy out there someone much better will be there for me. Because I deserve it!