Seen_It_All Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Excuse me but her being the OW - keeping it from the man's wife, is none of the things you are accusing him of? She herself is not being disrespectful, lying and all that? Again, I'm NOT a BW, but I totally agree with you. I firmly believe that OW do aid in the deceiving of a wife when they knowingly enter into an affair. By helping him keep the secret, she's helping the deceit. Period. However, Priscilla didn't KNOW this loser was married when she started seeing him. She didn't KNOW IT for 6 months. She was INNOCENT. However, now she's no longer innocent - she's now a volunteer. I wasn't even going to point that out because I was so appalled at the con job she'd been a victim of for the first half of a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Well, just remind yourself to be more sensitive like not calling him a loser. She loves this man. For all we know he might be giving her the impression that he's going to leave his wife for her, or that his wife is evil or whatever that we don't know. The bottom line is that we don't want to hurt her further by nastily pointing out things she is full aware of and calling the man she loves names. I know I sure wouldn't feel too good about that. It doesn't help anyone or anything. Maybe the wife knows about the affair, maybe all 3 are ok with it. She might be ok and wants her space and own place to live away from him. He might have children he doesn't want to mess the marriage for. Who are you to suddenly be so judgemental on a relationship you don't know any details about. Even if she is in a sucky situation, name calling only serves to hurt feelings and doesn't help in any other way I can think of. Link to post Share on other sites
Seen_It_All Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 We usually don't give up until we fall out of love and just like we have no control over who our hearts fall for, we can't control who or when we'll fall out of love with either. That's the point I'm trying to make. At WHAT PRICE love? Seriously? Are we all so willing to simply throw away our pride, self respect, self esteem, boundaries and morals - all for sake of LOVE? Where does one draw the line? When they're laying flat on their face letting some man wipe his shoes on her back? Is that where we draw the line, all for "love?" I understand what you're saying - that when one is in love they simply can't turn it off. I get that. But the beauty of being human is having the intelligence to know when one is being devalued and degraded, REGARDLESS of what they may be feeling in their heart. One's self respect and self worth should ALWAYS come first or what do we really HAVE? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Seen It I SOOOOO agree with you. There is no love that can stand this blatant disrespect. He is paranoid because that is exactly what he did to her and now he is projecting. I had a EX to that to me. We had a rocky R to begin with, but then I found out that an old friend was his LONG-TIME GF. I was hurt and angry. But.... I walked away. No, you don't turn off the love, but the anger helps you to move on. Priscilla, when are you going to get angry and realize what this scum bucket has done to you? Don't fall for the "but if I told you up front you wouldn't have talked to me" line. Don't fall for the "it never seemed to be a good time or the right time to tell you" line. Don't fall for the "but I love you now" line. Get angry. And then walk away. You can find better AND available. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 SIA: Alot of what you're saying could also be applied to the BS...they are being lied to and conned also...would you give them the same advice? Maybe you would, I'm just asking... Why do you say that just because you are an OW you don't have self-respect or self-worth? Because that is how YOU would feel? I have plenty of self-respect and self-worth...I just happen to love a man who is married to someone else....if he hadn't lied to me, I would probably think the way you do, but it didn't happen that way...just because you don't agree with my R doesn't mean that I lack either in my eyes...and if that's what you think, then that's YOUR opinion... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 SIA: Alot of what you're saying could also be applied to the BS...they are being lied to and conned also...would you give them the same advice? Maybe you would, I'm just asking.... GEL That does not compute. A MM does not lie to his W (BW) about being M. Its a different kind of con. BW is already M to the MM, no need to tell this kind of lie - or make this revelation. What's the point of bringing the BS into this post anyway. What SIA is saying is true. Why continue with a man that didn't bother to tell you that they were M? Staying with such a man is only going to get you statements like "well, you know I'm M", or "well, she IS my W", or "what did you expect, you decided to stay". The BS has nothing to do with this guys lying. Leave the BS out of this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Didn't you say YOU yourself have been an OW? Where was your self-respect then? You said: "I absolutely WOULDN'T put myself in the OPs shoes. That would NEVER happen. I have personal boundaries and way too much self respect - and I don't compromise that for ANYONE." How can you say this? It's not true. You were an OW. I can say it. I've NEVER been with a married man. I have personal boundaries and way too much self-respect which is why I never got involved with a marrried man. Sorry, just had to point this out. It's just jumped out at me and seemed a little funny for a woman who had an affair with a MM to say this. Anywho, onto the OP. I DO agree with you that I don't understand why Pricilla even CARES how insecure or whatever he feels. He didn't care about deceiving you. Never care MORE for someone than they care for you. Or show them more consideration than he has shown you. If you do, then you're clearly a doormat. And who wants to be that? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 GEL That does not compute. A MM does not lie to his W (BW) about being M. Its a different kind of con. BW is already M to the MM, no need to tell this kind of lie - or make this revelation. What's the point of bringing the BS into this post anyway. What SIA is saying is true. Why continue with a man that didn't bother to tell you that they were M? Staying with such a man is only going to get you statements like "well, you know I'm M", or "well, she IS my W", or "what did you expect, you decided to stay". The BS has nothing to do with this guys lying. Leave the BS out of this one. NID: Instead he lies about where he is going and who he is with and the other comments SIA made really apply to both women in a different way, so I was just making an observation, not trying to start a fight...I'm surprised you would get prickly about it...SIA posted when are women not going to be doormats, loosely stated... In fact your own comment could be turned to say why would you stay with a man who cheated on you? Which I know why because they love him...see what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 Thank-you for all of your reply's really!!! I know that you all had different opinions, it has gotten me thinking. I left him a message last night to tell him that this is not the ideal situation for me but at the same time I am in love with him. I also said that I was very very tired of him telling me that I am seeing someone else. He called me at 9:30 or so last night, I was sleeping becuase I really could not handle thinking about it anymore, too stressed. I answered the phone and he heard that I was tired and said I will talk to you tomorrow, I hung up with no reply. I did not want to get into it. None the less I think it is done and finished because he did not call me this am as he usually does. TY everyone for your help. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Priscillia, hope everything is ok. Just to answer your original question about the jealousy/insecurity thing. My ex-MM used to be exactly the same. He KNEW he had no right to be, he was married after all, but said he couldn't help getting jealous because he knew at the end of the day I was free to do whatever I wanted. I suppose he was always scared I would think "enough's enough" and find myself a SG. In fact, eventually that's what I did. They need to learn they can't always have their cake and eat it! They know it but sometimes it's exactly what we're giving them. You already reassured him that he is the man you want to be with. What else can you do? He'll get over it! Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 I'm not sure it's even jealousy or insecurity. Perhaps its a very weak mixture of the both. But from where I'm sitting this about these MM judging people on their own values and morales isn't it? If they are willing to cheat on their wives/families, then surely everyone else must be willing to? If you are willing to be with a MM, then surely you'd be willing to cheat on him too?! That's how they are thinking. They judge you with how they act. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 Thanks Posh! I don't feel that he will be calling me again, I honestly believe this to be true, yesterday was a stressfull day to say the least. I am tired and sad, and just want to have what I had with him with a single man. I will not be calling him, I don't want to feel the way I did yesterday again. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Thanks Posh! I don't feel that he will be calling me again, I honestly believe this to be true, yesterday was a stressfull day to say the least. I am tired and sad, and just want to have what I had with him with a single man. I will not be calling him, I don't want to feel the way I did yesterday again. You'll get there Pricillia. It IS hard. It took me ages to get up the courage to end things and go NC. We were on/off for so long it was mentally draining. Now I am SO glad I did it. That isn't to say I wouldn't have him back if he was available; I just realised that I deserve better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 Oh posh, I hope so, the connection that I have with him is amazing, but at the same time, he is jealous of nothing, I want to be with a man who trusts my words, I have never disrespected him. I am very confused. I don't want to give him up but don't want to loose myself in the process. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Oh posh, I hope so, the connection that I have with him is amazing, but at the same time, he is jealous of nothing, I want to be with a man who trusts my words, I have never disrespected him. I am very confused. I don't want to give him up but don't want to loose myself in the process. Hun, that is exactly how I was. I ended up in counselling, on anti-ds the works. My whole life was suffering and I couldn't think of anything else. He was 'the one'. I know he still loves me but he has made his decision and I have to respect it. It was easy for me as our decision was mutual (although he would've liked to have remained friends). But it does get easier, I promise you. For me I knew I couldn't carry on being the OW. NC really was the only way! Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 My other post still stands, but I'm really disgusted with this creep for what he did. Let's look at it from the other side. Priscilla innocently met someone that she liked and with whom she wanted to pursue a relationship. Wonderful. It was at this time that this low down loser should have been honest. But nope. He chose to lie. For 6 months, every SINGLE day, this lying weasel led her on. EVERY SINGLE DAY he lied to her. EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR 6 MONTHS HE LIED TO HER. He did it every single day for 6 months, knowing FULL WELL that when she found out the truth, she'd be devastated. Did he care? Obviously NOT. He was getting whatever HE wanted from this relationship, so she was merely collateral damage, now wasn't she? Where was his CONCERN for her for those 6 months? Where was his RESPECT for her for those 6 months? Every time he opened his disgusting mouth, he LIED to her. For 180+ days he led her down the garden path with with stories and lies to TRICK her into believing they were working toward a future TOGETHER. He painted a false reality, leading her to believe that she actually had a CHANCE for a future with him. And now I'm supposed to feel empathy for this piece of trash because HE'S feeling insecure?????? HE'S feeling threatened, so Priscilla has to jump through hoops like a trained seal? I'm absolutely amazed that she hasn't had him shot or beat to a pulp for thinking he had a RIGHT to do to her what he did. Barring that, it's simply impossible for me to wrap my brain around this type of disrespect and try to give ADVICE on how to placate this lying, manipulative SNAKE. He deserves alot worse than feeling insecure. He deserves to be locked away from DECENT society. I, too, didn't know that my MM was married when we started seeing each other. You can rest assured that I did not walk away quietly. I told him EVERYTHING I felt on my way out the door. He didn't deserve my respect and he has none of it. And I can rest in the knowledge that I DID give him what he so richly deserved. He heard it ALL. And he deserved every piece of crap I threw at him. I was not going to let him go on with his life believing that I was for ONE MINUTE okay with his lies and deceit. He did damage and he needed to hear about it LOUD and CLEAR. Nope. My MM didn't get away with anything with me. I put him in his place on my way out the door. And it was a long time coming. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted November 8, 2006 Author Share Posted November 8, 2006 oh, I am not sure what to say at this point. I think that I should just not call him and not say anything. I want to be with him, but he is acting like a crazy person. I think that I should not say anything to him at all saying that all I have to do is tell him that I am seeing someone else and then he is done. He is pushing me away, but he told me I was pushing him away. I am tired and kind of depressed! Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 Pricillia: Try not to be depressed, get some rest and take care of yourself...I know, some days are better than others... Link to post Share on other sites
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