In an "interracial" relationship that just got complicated

[Guest]

In an "interracial" relationship that just got complicated

 

Hello everyone,

 

I stumbled upon this forum and I thought I would ask what all of you thought of my current situation.

 

My boyfriend is 25 and I am 22, we have been together for a wonderful year. He has been more caring, loving, and sweet then any man I have ever known and nothing would make me happier than to be his wife. We both knew that we were going there eventually... slowly... very slowly.

 

I'm 6 weeks pregnant, its completely by accident, I have been on birth control for years without problems but 2 months ago I was put on a medication called Metformin, if anyone is familiar with it you know that it is used to treat a condition called PCOS. The condition is an insulin disorder but one of the results of fixing it is increased fertility. I supposed it came down to Metformin VS. Birth control and the Metformin won.

 

Either way, I am keeping the baby, neither I or anyone else in my family believes in abortion. My parents were married for 12 years before they had me, they thought they would never have children; I was raised to believe that children and family are gifts that you do not take for granted or ignore.

 

On top of the pregnancy my father has stage 4 pancreatic cancer, it is terminal and the doctors say they will be surprised to see him live a year. We found out about his condition 7 weeks ago. Its terrifying how someone could have every medical test ever done on them come up with textbook perfect results only to find out that something has been killing them for over a year.

 

My fathers condition is certainly not the deciding factor of me keeping the child but it makes me think that maybe I am supposed to keep this baby. Things like this do not happen by accident.

 

I apologize, I'm ranting.

 

I am a Russian Jew, my family came to America when I was six years old, my boyfriend is Palestinian, he was born here but both his mother and father are immigrants. He is the oldest of 5 children and I am an only child.

 

I told him about the child, I told him that I'm keeping it, and I told him he needs to decide what he is going to do. He thanked me for not pushing him into anything.

 

If he comes to hate me and the baby what good would be to either one of us? It’s his decision to make.

 

What he says to me:

1) He loves me

2) He loves the baby

3) If his family were to know they would disown him and never speak to him again

4) The choice he has to make now is either me and the baby or his family and by giving up his family he will give up what it means to be Arab.

 

What I think:

1) I love him as well. Nothing would make me happier then to be with him.

2) This child is given to me by God to raise. I pray that he is part of that.

3) I think he exaggerates when he says this. Now, his mother is insane, the crazy bitch prays 5 times a day like a good Muslim should but she prays for bad things to happen to her sons (she likes the girls). They argue constantly but it’s always about things that don’t matter. When my boyfriend was with is ex, who was some whorish piece of trailer trash (her true nature came out later when she cheated on him twice) his mother eventually accepted her. Mommy came through when it mattered.

4) While Arabs are raised to be slaves to whatever there parents want there are lots out there that are loving, caring, and nurturing parents. His mother is not representative of the entire population. His sisters love him, so do his brothers and cousins, his father as well. I don’t see them all leaving him and I do think his mother would eventually come around. He might loose some of them but he would also gain me, the baby, and my family who are behind all three of us.

 

 

He says he still needs more time to think.

 

What do you guys think?

[josie54]

I think you're right that it's complicated! However, I don't think things "just" got complicated--they've been this way since you began seeing your boyfriend. This situation was something you were going to have to deal with "sooner or later." The baby has just moved you into the "sooner" category.

 

My thoughts are that this is your boyfriend's decision to make, and yours to accept one way or another. I agree with your decision not to push or pressure him. Regardless of whether his family were to come around eventually, he doesn't know that now--and it very well could happen as he fears. No light matter or small decision on his part.

 

Regardless of what many believe, "Love does not always conquer all." You are asking him to cross a divide that's decades-old. Maybe he's strong enough to do it, but maybe not.

 

Perhaps you should tell him this: That, at this point, you need to focus on your father, family, and new baby. That you want him to be a part of the baby's life, but if that's not as your husband or partner, because of the wide differences in your background and families, that you'll accept it. And that you need to go home for a while and he can come to you when he's made his decision.

 

It could very well be that he decides to be a part of the baby's life, but not tell his family. However, over time, the family is bound to find out. And babies often have a way of softening the hearts of grandparents, aunts, and uncles, no matter what the history is. You never know what will happen over time.

 

This is not a time to take on the whole Israel/Jewish-Palestinian conflict. Go home, be with your father, take of yourself and your new baby. Leave your boyfriend alone to sort things out in his own head. He'll let you know his decision when he's ready.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. My sympathies to you and your family.

[blind_otter]

My sister (I am of mixed race) married a man who came from a strict southern baptist family. Her MIL said, "If God intended for the races to mix, he would have made them that way" and cites the tower of Babel and other bible passages.

 

He chose my sister. They married 10 years ago. He was disowned for several years and didn't speak with his family.

 

When she had a son, suddenly the MIL comes out of the woodwork and wants to be back in her son and grandson's life.

 

Just goes to show. People change. And it usually pays off to have convictions, and stand by them - not for the sake of others, but for yourself. If your BF lives for others to the extent that he would distance himself from his own child, then he probably wouldn't make a very good father.

 

I'm just saying....

[alphamale]

What do you guys think?

I think you should have the baby and then marry a nice jewish doctor...

[allina]

Wow, it seems like it is more of a religious thing than a race issue (and wow there couldnt be a more conflicting combination of religion) I know that sometimes parents don't approve at all at first but later come around, especially when there is a grandchild involved. I would hope this would be the case but you never know. I think you're being very reasonable in your ideas, but I also think that since he took part in creating this baby with you he may need to lose some of his family, because he will forever be connected to you.

 

I know thise situations can be hurtful, I'm white (Polish-Catholic) and my bf is Indian (Hindu) but our situation is nowhere near yours, both sets of parent are totally supportive, though his grandmother would never accept me. He's told me that we'd have to wait till she's dead to get married (if it comes to that)

 

It won't be easy but he has to understand that he needs to live his life for him and his young family. I wish you luck.

[alphamale]

I know thise situations can be hurtful, I'm white (Polish-Catholic) and my bf is Indian (Hindu) but our situation is nowhere near yours, both sets of parent are totally supportive, though his grandmother would never accept me. He's told me that we'd have to wait till she's dead to get married (if it comes to that)

Yours is an acceptable match religion-wise ALLINA....there are extremely few muslim-jewish marriages and even fewer muslim-hindu marriages. it has more to do with past history and politics than anything else.

[allina]

Yours is an acceptable match religion-wise ALLINA....there are extremely few muslim-jewish marriages and even fewer muslim-hindu marriages. it has more to do with past history and politics than anything else.

 

Very true Alpha, especially since neither of us were raised with religion having an important role, and Poland and India have never had a tiff

 

I agree that the OP's situation is much more complex than just a racial issue, since it is a pretty major religious/historical conflict, but I think it CAN work.

[alphamale]

Very true Alpha, especially since neither of us were raised with religion having an important role, and Poland and India have never had a tiff

maybe you two can invent a new dish....Pierogi Curry

 

I agree that the OP's situation is much more complex than just a racial issue, since it is a pretty major religious/historical conflict, but I think it CAN work.

It won't....and I'll tell you why. A jewish mother always raises her kids as jews and this will never be accepted by his moslem family.

[allina]

maybe you two can invent a new dish....Pierogi Curry

 

 

It won't....and I'll tell you why. A jewish mother always raises her kids as jews and this will never be accepted by his moslem family.

 

:laugh: dude, curry flavored pierogi, that could be good!

 

Also, I though it was more of an issue with his family (the muslim side) and that there was less opposition from her Jewish family.

[Sand&Water]

Guest,

 

Believe his word -your boyfriend's word. He has expressed to you, the importance, of spending time alone to think about his future, and the baby.

 

Believe in him.

 

His family will, convincingly, sway and cut dry his thoughts to satisfy their agenda(s). This is the way, Muslim families, work with their children.

 

Don't be surprised, when his entire family holds a grudge against you. In due time, though, the grudge will fade.

 

Since he is Palestinian, the end result will be favourable. Most Palestinians, are considerate. I have a strong feeling [-I am rooting for you and I guarantee you], he will not abandon you and your baby.

 

Don't fret. Relax, and start taking care of yourself and the baby.

 

Moreso, I suggest you do the following:

 

(A) Be a strong woman. He wants to see you, as a strong and reliable woman that can take care of her man.

(B) Be loving. Don't through out the love, he and you, once shared because of tough times. The love has to be powerful. You are, now, a big block of the foundation supporting the relationship.

© IF you aren't positive, hopeful, and able to compromise with him, he will leave you. I guarantee you this.

 

You have to be able to tolerate his Muslim family and their views.

 

IF you show, uneven b*tchy behaviour and give up on everything you worked so hard for -everything will fall apart.

 

No more fooling around. This is serious. You are growing up, and developing into a mature adult -mother to be.

 

Be self-aware of your actions, and the consequences associated with it.

 

Best Of Luck To You,

Sand&Water

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

What do you guys think?

 

Well, I predict a lot of problems in the marriage.

 

This is why:

 

Now, his mother is insane, the crazy bitch prays 5 times a day like a good Muslim

 

If you love your boyfriend, how can you talk like that about his mother? She's the reason why he's here.

 

Ariadne

[insomnie]

A couple of things stood out in your post for me.

 

1. It is clear by the way you write about his family that you have very little respect for his faith and background. You're openminded enough to be dating him, sure, but you called his mother a bitch because of her faith and have made several huge generalizations about Muslims (which you took back somewhat by saying "of course not all Muslims are that way..." but still, the implication that MOST are was there). Obviously being a Muslim and a member of this family is important to your boyfriend. You can't expect it to work out between you guys unless you embrace his background...which of course is problematic in itself, because of your own. But, sitll. Respect. You gotta have it.

 

2. What kind of man gets into a sexual relationship with a woman who is against abortion, knowing full well that if she were to get pregnant he would abandon her and the baby becuase of differences in "faith"? Seems like he's been putting his "reputation" ahead of being a good person.....problematic because it's impossible, imo, to be a good *anything* unless you try at least to be a good person, to do the right thing.

 

Which would have been not to have sex with you in the first place, imo, given his mindset. A little too late for that, of course, but abandoning a child because you don't want to tell your mom you slept with someone you disapprove of and because you don't want to stop pretending to be a good Muslim is just so....immature and irresponsible.

 

I think he has a lot of growing up to do before he can be a good husband or father.

 

You, on the other hand, need to think long and hard about whether you can accept him, his beliefs, and his family...about what the implications of your match would be for everyone. It's never as simple as love.

[Xhie]

Hi again everyone, this is the OP. I decided to go ahead and register

 

Thank you everyone for all of your advice so far, it has been of help.

 

In response to several people who have expressed doubt about my relationship with my boyfriend because of my feeling toward his mother: I love him, thereby people that hurt him on purpose are not my favorite people. When my guy needed help the most in his life, with some tuition money for college and his sister offered to give him the money, his mother stepped in and banned his sister from doing so. It held him back from graduating for a full year and she knew it would. "Why would someone do that?" You ask. Because she is evil.

 

Some people in this world are so mean and bitter that they seek to destroy everyone else’s happiness; she is one of these people. She has done everything in her power to hold him back every step of the way. There are thousands of other examples of things she has done.

 

That is in part what makes the whole thing so hurtful, how he can possibly leave me and the baby for someone that despises his existence. Intellectually I understand she is his mother and he is trying to balance the responsibilities he has to his old family with that of his new one. But it just hurts when I think about it.

 

Thank you again for your continued support everyone <3

[magichands]

That is in part what makes the whole thing so hurtful, how he can possibly leave me and the baby for someone that despises his existence. Intellectually I understand she is his mother and he is trying to balance the responsibilities he has to his old family with that of his new one. But it just hurts when I think about it.

I think I see what you're getting at. If you really love someone, then you don't threaten to disown them for following their heart.

 

It's difficult to respect a set of values like that. Who is preaching acceptance these days?

[LakesideDream]

Most likely, she has been twisting his brain for his whole life. He my be compelled subconsciously to try to please her at any personal cost to him. This is not unusual for people who have had love and affection withheld from them, for a purpose.

 

You my in fact be correct when you write that she's "evil". People who manipulate on the level you are writing about are mentally defective.

 

Try to get him some therapy. It can do wonders.

 

My ex (25 year marriage) experianced both her mother and fathers suicides when she was just 10 years old. Father was diagnosed with MS and stepped in front of a subway train. Mother "accidentially" took 48 seconals. I realised that I paid for her abandonment for decades. By the time she was diagnosed... it was to late for the marriage. Thank Gawd the kids were grown.

[Trialbyfire]

Wow, talk about hurdles. A Palestinian and a Russian Jew. Your challenge is not only an interracial relationship but major political, cultural and religious challenges. Regardless if either one of you is a practicing Jew or Muslim, your families would be particularly his because his parents immigrated. Not only this but the taboo for females to have premarital sex nevermind getting pregnant within the Muslim culture to this day, can still evolve into a stoning within the rural areas.

 

If you're both in love and willing to make the sacrifice for each other, this would be so Romeo and Juliet but hopefully with a happy ending. Good luck.

[burning 4 revenge]

That match can make for hot sexual chemistry and hot sexual chemistry obliterates all obstacles.

[magichands]

That match can make for hot sexual chemistry and hot sexual chemistry obliterates all obstacles.

Are you telling me that hot sexual chemistry makes the world go around? That hot sexual chemistry is all you need? And hot sexual chemistry conquers all?

 

You're probably right.