I'm finally going to do it but don't know how!

[Guest]

Tonight when the bf called I answered and told him I scheduled the appointment. He sounded happy but said that as soon as we have the session that the therapist will tell me I'm fine that I don't need anything. This was the last straw so I broke down and said I haven't been going just because of this reason that he always tells me I don't need to, and now that I made the appointment he's telling me the same thing. He said that we both know that I need serious help. This got me more upset because he always tells me that I don't and now he went from telling me I didn't to saying I seriously needed to. He said to in no way not show up and that I had to go. He kept asking what triggered my unhappiness and that was starting to bug me like he still didn't know.

 

This guy is SERIOUSLY screwing with your head! Forget what he says. Go to the therapist. And take some of your threads with you.

 

He asked if I'd eaten and I told him I've been losing my appetite. Then he said maybe because it's that I'm not eating that I'm feeling so awful, that I should see a nutritionist. Really! I can't believe he'd say that, but I had to agree because I thought first he insists I take the appointment then is telling me it's food related so why does he think I should see the therapist. I have to at least bring that up to him tomorrow.

 

WTF? Who is this guy that he's decided to diagnose you?

 

It sounds like he's gaslighting you!! Tell him to keep his advice to himself and go keep your therapist appointment.

[Walk]

Fun... I think you put your bf in a tight spot. I understand how you're feeling, but he had NO good way to answer. If he said you need a therpy, then he's calling you a screwed up head case. If he said you didn't, then he was ignoring the problem and you wouldn't go. He knows you need it. He wants you to go... but he's not saying it well. Please just give him a little lee way, ok? He's stressed from the trip, he's working hard, he's extremely worried about you. You can tell... he's concerned about you eating, he wants to FIX things, and he can't. THat's why he wanted you to write down things to get at the store, because that's an action. Men deal with problems with action. Not with talk... So he wanted to "do" something and he figured getting a grocery list together would at least be "doing" something. Not that you had to go right then.

 

I really think he just wants to help Fun. But he's cornered. If he says you're fine, then he's discounting your problems. If he says you're not, then you think he's calling you crazy. If he tries to help then he's too pushy, if he gives you space, then he's not trying to "be there" for you when you need him. You've got him jumping through so many hoops it's impossible for him to say or do anything right.

 

Last thought... My bf is gone all the time for work. The one thing that really helps me to not let those crazy thoughts get the better of me is to ask him about his day. I ask him everything.. what he did, when he got up, what he ate.. does he have coffee in front of him.. etc. I'm nosey too.. But seriously, knowing what he did through out the day helps me to feel more connected to him, and also to realize that there's no way he's doing stuff he shouldn't, not with how hard he works. So next time your bf calls, ask him everythign you cna think of. What he's working on, what he did all day, what he ate, where he's gone.. etc..

 

Talk to him without cornering him with an impossible to answer question.

[Ripples]

Everything that Walk said, plus the eating thing.

 

Your boyfriend is actually right, eating healthily can be a huge help in feeling better. It's true that we do loose our appetites when stressed, but eating can lower our adrenaline levels and calm us down. It's got to be the right food, no sugar! Google is your friend.

 

Here's a stress-busting meal that I like and found works really well:

 

Barley and vegetables pilaf

Fry a chopped onion and two crushed garlic cloves in some olive oil. Add one chopped courgette and cook for five minutes or so. Next, add some chicken stock (about a third of a pint), bring to the boil, add three tomatoes and cook for about three minutes. Finally, add 110g cooked pearl barley, 110g toasted pine nuts, a handful of chopped basil, pinch cayenne pepper and salt and pepper to taste.

 

Desert:

A sliced peach served with ome low fat ricotta cheese

 

Eating healthily throughout the day helps in general with our moods. Women, in general, suffer with low levels of certain vitamins and minerals, so it's worth eating foods high in those elements or taking supplements (personally, I'd rather get them the food route). Again, Google is your friend.

 

[blind_otter]

There's a good chapter in that book I recommended you about communication issues. Chapter 6, my own psychiatrist recommended that my SO read it.

 

Let me tell you that my relationship, which is now over a year old, has become A LOT less stormy and A LOT stronger since I sought help, myself.

 

You did put him in a position where nothing he could say could be right -- but that's par for the course if you know what I mean. I'm purposely being vague here because I already PM'd you the specifics.

[dgiirl]

Fun, I've been popping in and out of your threads for a while. I've never offered any help because everyone here seems to be doing a great job. I'm really happy to hear that you made an appointment and I urge you to keep it.

 

I'm sure this has been mentioned before, but why are you giving so much control over your life to your bf? It really doesnt matter what your bf thinks about you going or not going to therapy. You need to do what you think is right for _you_. Dont substitute your own opinions with your bf's.

 

I was married for 8 years and I ended up asking my ex his opinion on every single thing. He was very opinionated and I started to lose myself. Every time I had an opinion, i'd validate it with him. Very often, he'd have a differing opinion. I started to become very confused and stressed. I wanted him to be happy and I started to subsitute my own beliefs with his. But this just made me have even more anxiety worrying about what he'd think about what I thought. And it spiraled out of control to the point that I became very depressed, irrational with doubts on what people thought, and fearful of taking ANY action. I was petrified of going up to the grocery clerk to ask her to cut a loaf of bread because she might ask me a question. I was petrified of going to the bank to open an account because I might get the wrong one. Just very simple basic every day situations i was fearful of doing. I couldnt do anything unless I had him beside me. It became very stressful for him, and he cheated on me and left. And once I got into therapy, I was able to see what I was doing and I started to regain my own identity again. For some reason, I thought he was better than me. That he had all the answers to life and that if he says something, it must be right, so I'd follow him. I stopped believing in myself.

 

I see you doing the same thing. It's nice that your bf is there for you, trying to be supportive. But you seem to be putting his beliefs and opinions higher than your own. If he doesnt want you to go to therapy, you wont go. If he wants you to go, you'll go. You need to realize that your bf does not have all the answers. He's human just like the rest of us and he will make mistakes. And if he's anything like my ex, he's very opinionated and will push his opinions onto you without even realizing what he's doing. You need to be able to stand up for yourself and say "Woah, I can have an opinion too".

 

What I would recommend is to stop asking your bf his opinion on every single thing that happens to you in your life. Do you have any girlfriends or family members that you can talk to? I think you need a balance of opinions between a big group of people (this is one good thing about LS), and pick and choose which ones work for YOU. You dont need to defend yourself for your beliefs. You dont need to justify yourself to anyone.

 

I remember having a stressful anxiety filled day, feeling all horrible about myself, and then i heard a voice in my head telling me "I'm right and I dont need to justify it to anyone". This was the first time I ever told myself that. That I was right, and I dont need to get angry or stressed because someone else doesnt see it. I dont need to defend myself to anyone, and it's ok for me to be right. It doesnt give me the right to rub it in someone's face, or attack them back, but it's ok for me to believe I was right for that minute.

 

Just some fodder for you to digest.

 

Good work on the appointment and no matter WHAT happens, just go for the experience. The experience itself, challenging yourself to do something you've never done before, is worth gold.

[Fun2BMe]

This guy is SERIOUSLY screwing with your head! Forget what he says. Go to the therapist. And take some of your threads with you.

 

WTF? Who is this guy that he's decided to diagnose you?

 

It sounds like he's gaslighting you!! Tell him to keep his advice to himself and go keep your therapist appointment.

 

I don't know who you are guest if you are a regular member or ? but I have been obsessed with your post. I looked up with gaslighting means and now I'm scared if he's messing with my head?

[alphamale]

I don't know who you are guest if you are a regular member or ? but I have been obsessed with your post. I looked up with gaslighting means and now I'm scared if he's messing with my head?

don't fret F2BM, Alpha is here to help you

[Fun2BMe]

Last thought... My bf is gone all the time for work. The one thing that really helps me to not let those crazy thoughts get the better of me is to ask him about his day. I ask him everything.. what he did, when he got up, what he ate.. does he have coffee in front of him.. etc. I'm nosey too.. But seriously, knowing what he did through out the day helps me to feel more connected to him, and also to realize that there's no way he's doing stuff he shouldn't, not with how hard he works. So next time your bf calls, ask him everythign you cna think of. What he's working on, what he did all day, what he ate, where he's gone.. etc..

That must be difficult for you to be apart.I don't know how you handle that so well but that is good advice to ask him questions. I want him to voluntarily tell me all those things you list. I feel like he might think I'm being too nosy or insecure but then I go crazy wondering all those things. When he called last night I was in a very down mood but stronger than the night before. Instead of letting him worry about me, I told him I had eaten when I had not so he doesn't think I'm just trying to get pitty or come across pathetic. He asked me what I had done that day, which was really nothing because I am feeling depressed, so I felt pathetic again telling him I hadn't done anything when he is doing so much himself. He told me about his day, when he woke up, what meetings he had and so on which put my mind at ease. But he had called later than usual and didn't say what he had done in the evening so I couldn't help but imagine he was with another woman. Also he was upbeat and has so much going on that it makes me feel upset in that he's able to function so well without me, as if I don't mean so much to him compared to how sad I am without him.

[Fun2BMe]

don't fret F2BM, Alpha is here to help you

 

Why thank you! Now isn't that nice.

[Art_Critic]

I don't know who you are guest if you are a regular member or ? but I have been obsessed with your post. I looked up with gaslighting means and now I'm scared if he's messing with my head?

 

Fun.. I have never said this before on LS.. but you need to totaly ignore the guest post.. it was very poor and bad advice to throw out gaslighting..

The guest doesn't know you or your boyfriend or your past threads here on LS..

 

Please disregard the Guest advice and please be sure to make that appointment to the therapist.

[Fun2BMe]

What I would recommend is to stop asking your bf his opinion on every single thing that happens to you in your life. Do you have any girlfriends or family members that you can talk to? I think you need a balance of opinions between a big group of people (this is one good thing about LS), and pick and choose which ones work for YOU. You dont need to defend yourself for your beliefs. You dont need to justify yourself to anyone.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience and all your feedback and advice dgirl. It sounds like you can relate to my situation on a certain level. As far as not asking for his opinion, that would be difficult. Whereas I make up my mind at all other times, if he is involved in my life I end up relying on him for his feedback, from what to buy to what brand of an appliance to whether to get therapy and everything else. I never thought of it really but I think that is harming me a lot. I don't even go out much any more and if I do even if it is with a platonic friend or family member, I don't tell him so he won't get jealous even though he is not one to get jealous. I feel like just like I get jealous, I would want to protect him if he were to. THen I end up not having an opportunity to talk to friends and others as you say. THen when he asks what I've done I end up saying nothing and he thinks I don't have a life outside of him. It is a really strange situation when I think about it and at the end if the day I feel miserable.

[Fun2BMe]

Fun.. I have never said this before on LS.. but you need to totaly ignore the guest post.. it was very poor and bad advice to throw out gaslighting..

The guest doesn't know you or your boyfriend or your past threads here on LS..

 

Please disregard the Guest advice and please be sure to make that appointment to the therapist.

 

Ok thanks AC. I really didn't post yesterday as I was consumed with this the whole day and I think it effected our conversation last night because I didn't feel comfortable hearing him. I guess I am in a very unstable and sensitive place right now.

 

And to Ripples thanks for the recipe but I really can't cook. I tried to make macaroni and cheese from the box last week, the only thing I had in the house as I haven't gone grocery shopping in a while and I don't know how the whole bottom burned even though I followed the direction. But I'll write down the recipe and maybe attempt it.

[Art_Critic]

Ok thanks AC.

 

No sweat.. Remember that getting better is a one step at a time proces.. and you have already taken your first step by making the appointment.

 

You should be proud of yourself..

[dgiirl]

As far as not asking for his opinion, that would be difficult. Whereas I make up my mind at all other times, if he is involved in my life I end up relying on him for his feedback, from what to buy to what brand of an appliance to whether to get therapy and everything else. I never thought of it really but I think that is harming me a lot. I don't even go out much any more and if I do even if it is with a platonic friend or family member, I don't tell him so he won't get jealous even though he is not one to get jealous.

 

These are all things I did in my marriage too. I relied TOO much on my ex and it suffocated the relationship. I centered my whole life around my ex, and when he was gone, i was devastated. He became more of a father figure than a partner.

 

It's not about _not_ depending on your bf for the important things in your life. But do you really need his opinion on what brand of toothpaste or bread to buy? I remember my ex being sick and he asked me to pick up a loaf of bread. This was later in our relationship where I developed this fear of taking initiative. I did get the loaf of bread and brought it home, all proud, and instead of thanking me, he gets upset with me because I got the wrong brand of bread. Now I look back and think wtf?? But back then, I was so deep in my depression that I felt like a complete moron and beat myself up over it. I would constantly hear a voice in my head telling me that I'm white trash and wasnt sophisicated enough to pick out good quality bread. My ex was a food snob and would passive aggressively throw out these comments to tell me how my background was trash.

 

How did it reach this point? Because i kept giving in and asking him his opinion on everything to the point that his ego got inflated. He freely admits he's arrogant. That's why I suggested to not go to him for everything.

 

For the really small things, try to go to someone else for help, or even better, make the decision on your own. And if/when they complain, just be confident in yourself and tell them you made the decision, this is what we have. This will also HELP the relationship. It will give you confidence to make your own decisions (everyone's attracted to confidence). It will keep a lot of the negative interactions/stories/problems away from your relationship (noone wants to hear someone complain all the time). And it will allow you to depend on multiple people for your support system and your happiness instead of burdening one person with that responsibility. Also, with multiple sources you can validate your feelings and see if you are being unreasonable or the other partner is, and even better, they'll be able to offer you objective solutions that neither you or your bf are able to see clearly.

 

 

You should be proud of yourself..

 

You really should be proud!

 

I didnt get help until it was too late. And even tho I paint my ex in a bad light, I was the one to blame in all of this. I made the decision to center my life around my ex. I made the decision to put his opinions above my own. I made the decision to not stand up for myself. And I had some baggage unrelated to my ex that I still needed work on. I should have got therapy a lot sooner. If I did, maybe i'd still be married, or atleast not waste 10 years of my life on someone who didnt love me.

 

I dont know what's going on with you. But you definitely need someone to talk to who's not emotionally invested in the situation.

[Ripples]

 

And to Ripples thanks for the recipe but I really can't cook. I tried to make macaroni and cheese from the box last week, the only thing I had in the house as I haven't gone grocery shopping in a while and I don't know how the whole bottom burned even though I followed the direction. But I'll write down the recipe and maybe attempt it.

 

It's not a question of whether one can cook or not. If you can read, you can follow a reciepe. There is no skill, natural or learned, that you need to be able to cook.

 

You take care, look after yourself and try to take control of your life. You can do it

[Walk]

I did get the loaf of bread and brought it home, all proud, and instead of thanking me, he gets upset with me because I got the wrong brand of bread. .... I would constantly hear a voice in my head telling me that I'm white trash

 

Wow, I never knew this about your past. I read that and it threw me for a loop. I see you as very sophisticated, intelligent and classy. It's amazing what we can fool ourselves into believing....

[dgiirl]

Wow, I never knew this about your past. I read that and it threw me for a loop. I see you as very sophisticated, intelligent and classy. It's amazing what we can fool ourselves into believing....

 

Yah, it's scary. I didnt even realize what I was doing. I was in a really bad place. Full of anxiety. Petrified of making any type of move. And yet at the same time, could be very confident in other areas of my life. I was very confident in my job, and yet at the same time had a constant fear that I'd get fired. There was absolutely no reason for this fear, and yet I did.

 

I went to therapy for my divorce because everyone told me to go. And it was in therapy that I started to find out what I was doing. I never knew what anxiety was until I went into therapy for my divorce. It was then that she gave me a name for what I was going through and I read everything up on it, and every single thing rang loud and clear for me. As soon as she labeled it, I felt this tremendous pressure off my shoulders. I knew I was no longer crazy. Which was another thing I started to fear. I thought I was going crazy.

 

But once I understood what I had, I started to have more compasion for myself. I was more understanding and I was able to learn the symptoms of my anxiety attacks. I still have them, but I dont beat myself up as much as I did in the past.

 

As much as I didnt want it, the divorce saved me from myself. I know where I was going and it wasnt good.

[Fun2BMe]

Well dgirl your experience gives me hope. Every minute I am tempted to not go to my therapy for some reason and in fact the first thing I thought of today was to tell my bf if he could tell the therapist I decided not to see him after all so I wouldn't be the one to call and cancel. Then I read this thread and see that everyone (for the most part) is in full favor of it. How long were you in therapy before you were diagnosed with the condition you had? Were you also put on medication at the time? I feel so lost and depressed that I have a fear he'll diagnose me as crazy or something outrageous that I am not looking forward to, or a PC medical term that pretty much boils down to not being mentally fit.

[dgiirl]

The first thing my therapist told me is that people who go into therapy are not crazy or sick. In fact, it means they are taking action in their life to make them better. It takes a LOT of courage to get help. And it's the first step to getting healthy again.

 

I know it's scary, and I dont believe for a second you are sick or crazy. But let's play devil's advocate and say you are. What's the alternative? To remain sick? If you had cancer, would you go to a doctor? Therapy will simply allow you to express yourself, your feelings in a safe environment, with no judgements from anyone. Not your family. Not your friends. Not your bf. And a lot of times, that's all you need. To feel heard! To be validated! To know you are not crazy!

 

Dont worry about how long your therapy will last. Dont worry about if they'll put you on meds or not. Just go for the first appointment. Go in with no expectations and be honest. Dont hide things from your therapist, because if you dont tell them the truth, they cant help you. Just go and see what therapy is. Right now, you're full of fear over the unknown. Why not actually find out what exactly is involved before you let your imagination run wild.

 

It might take a few appointments before you feel comfortable. You might even need to try a few different therapists before you feel comfortable. But please, dont give up. You are not sick. You are not crazy. You just need some help like we all do. Dont judge yourself. If you are like me, you probably say a lot of mean things to yourself that you wouldnt even say to your worst enemy. Atleast give yourself the same respect you'd give to a stranger!

 

And you know what? I've been diagnosed with anxiety. Once I knew this, I told my friends cos i have a big mouth lol I have 3 friends who confessed to me that they have anxiety too. They went to therapy and were never able to talk to anyone about it because they were embarassed. And when I opened up to them, they were soooo happy because they were able to talk about it! Not many people talk about it, but there's a LOT of people who go to therapy. I bet you any money that there's a lot of people in your life who's been there and yet it's taboo to talk about.

 

Dont judge yourself. Because you'll be judging millions of others too.

[whichwayisup]

And you know what? I've been diagnosed with anxiety.

 

Me too. And once you start therapy and realize it's helping not hurting, you'll feel so much better.

 

Therapy is your friend, not your enemy!

[alphamale]

Therapy is your friend, not your enemy!

true....

 

BTW I'm closing in with 13,100 posts you skank!

[whichwayisup]

true....

 

BTW I'm closing in with 13,100 posts you skank!

 

Look closely on how far ahead I am of you, beyotch-boy! You really think 100 more posts are gonna make a difference???

 

Count again, it's 097!

[alphamale]

Look closely on how far ahead I am of you, beyotch-boy! You really think 100 more posts are gonna make a difference??? !

haha haha hahahah....BTW my dad and brother are in Toronto for a wedding this wknd.

[whichwayisup]

Where are they staying??? Where's the wedding?? Why didn't you join them??

 

LOL! Nosy bitch I am, eh???

[dgiirl]

whichway, wanna crash a wedding? lol