I'm finally going to do it but don't know how!

[magichands]

I wish he'd make it romantic and include me in the tub at least once!

Next time you get the chance, maybe you could draw it for him.

 

And get in and test it first.

 

You can take turns being in each other's arms. Unless you each have your preference (preferably complementary).

[Fun2BMe]

No alpha not with another man:rolleyes: You get too many eyerolls from me today.

 

But now I am thinking about sending him an email that I wasn't able to take the call so he doesn't think I'm avoiding him. It was last Thursday when I started ignoring him until Monday or Tuesday so last night he was hesitating to hang up reminding me it was Thursday, that even if I were not home to have my cell phone so he could reach me tonight. Yet my mind has exclusively been absorbed that he called late sounding tired and reading into it. Ugh maybe I shouldn't be so mad after all.

 

Well maybe I could draw the bath for us magichands. I think we have a lot in common all of a sudden:love:

[alphamale]

No alpha not with another man:rolleyes: You get too many eyerolls from me today..

i don't know f2bm...the bath thing is sorta gay. i dont know any guys who take baths

[magichands]

That's exactly my situation right now.

Just don't make the same mistake I made...please.

 

I want to poke myself in the eyes. Yes - both of them. There's no cure for the kind of heartache induced from self-destructive behaviour...well - I haven't found one.

[alphamale]

There's no cure for the kind of heartache induced from self-destructive behaviour...well - I haven't found one.

Kurt Cobain found his cure...

[magichands]

Well maybe I could draw the bath for us magichands. I think we have a lot in common all of a sudden:love:

Let's keep our eyes on the first prize. We'll get you sorted.

 

(I'm probably not a bad consolation, though. I have some bathtime "tricks" that might put a smile on your face.)

[Fun2BMe]

i don't know f2bm...the bath thing is sorta gay. i dont know any guys who take baths

 

Well he frequently travels to London and Asia on business and said he picked it up from there where it is common. He encourages me to do it too. I guess our US version is our hot tubs. I did find it strange at first but I guess I'm used to it now!!

[Fun2BMe]

Let's keep our eyes on the first prize. We'll get you sorted.

 

(I'm probably not a bad consolation, though. I have some bathtime "tricks" that might put a smile on your face.)

 

Well you already put a smile on my face:) So thanks, you've been very helpful. The thought that your gf left you for the way I am now acting is a serious wake up call.

[alphamale]

Well he frequently travels to London and Asia on business and said he picked it up from there where it is common.

oh ok, i guess thats cool....man, i gotta zonk out. I'm crashed

[Fun2BMe]

ok, take care there. You were very entertaining tonight I must say.

[norajane]

Well he frequently travels to London and Asia on business and said he picked it up from there where it is common. He encourages me to do it too. I guess our US version is our hot tubs. I did find it strange at first but I guess I'm used to it now!!

 

Oh! That's because no one outside the US has figured out the concept of a shower! They just have tubs with a shower attachment that isn't even hooked up on the wall.

 

It's like toilet paper. The US makes the best damned toilet paper and showers in the whole wide world.

[Fun2BMe]

It's not just about not having showers. For example I was looking up hotels in China where he will be going in a couple of weeks, just out of curiosity to see what they're like online. The nicer hotel rooms all have sunken tubs, the kind that vertically goes deep into the ground. I have seen some here in the US in some Asian homes. They still have showers, but it's more of a relaxing, unwinding thing. Here in the US every one is in a rush rush rush 5 minute quick shower mentality but in the East a bath is considered to be part of good health from what I am learning. He runs the water steaming hot and even says "ouch" as he goes in, but it unwinds his whole body, makes the blood circulate and all that stuff. He also uses that time to read instead of reading in bed before going to bed, has a desk with magazines and even a bookshelf and stuff like that built in his bathroom. But I do agree that I too found it strange at first.

 

Edit to add - So thanks to you guys I sent him a nice email saying I was sorry for missing his call, that I liked hearing his voice in the messages he left me, and all that jazz. Very forced but I think at this point necessary and amazingly I feel better too now. I swear I have no idea how my thinking process is working and making decisions, kind of scary how I am reacting so negatively to everything. Thanks magichands.

[Walk]

Hi Fun.

 

Just wanted to say I was thinking about you, and I hope you're feeling better today.

 

I know they were all making fun of a guy taking baths and all, but my dad ALWAYS takes baths. Rarely showers. And my dad is definitely NOT gay, nor is he effeminent. His family was too poor to have indoor plumbing, and lived way out in the sticks, so he never got in the habit of "showers" when he was growing up.

 

(Just thought I'd share... )

[whichwayisup]

My hubby loves taking baths too. I prefer showers (obviously) but in the winter I do enjoy having a hot bath with oils to make my skin feel smooth and less dry.

 

So thanks to you guys I sent him a nice email saying I was sorry for missing his call, that I liked hearing his voice in the messages he left me, and all that jazz. Very forced but I think at this point necessary and amazingly I feel better too now. I swear I have no idea how my thinking process is working and making decisions, kind of scary how I am reacting so negatively to everything.

 

Therapy is going to help you control those thoughts and not let your mind wander to negative places which makes you worry and feel insecure. I am glad that you were able to work through this though and send him a nice email without any bad feelings in it! That's a good thing Fun!

[dgiirl]

Fun, when is your appointment? Before you make any decisions about your relationship, go to atleast one appointment.

[alphamale]

My hubby loves taking baths too.

baths are gross man....its like you're swimming in a pool of your own filth. how do you get clean taking a bath when the water gets all scummy and you're still in it??

 

WWIU, does your hubby use bath oils and those lotion beads?

[Fun2BMe]

Fun, when is your appointment? Before you make any decisions about your relationship, go to atleast one appointment.

 

The appt is Monday. He had written back a nice email this morning. Most of the day I have felt back to liking him but as soon as I start thinking about things like he called very late, he's doing just fine without me and things like that, I get very upset and not want to talk. Then I start feeling bad and I want to apologize for being so cold and mean and distant since he's left. It's like a roller coaster going back and forth. But that is good advice to hold off on making any drastic decisions until I at least go to the appointment first, something that had he not been a referral I would've canceled by now as I keep thinking who can really be able to help me. But I will wait it out and see what happens. In the meantime I feel like a basket case.

[Fun2BMe]

And here's another update. I might be full of updates until I see the therapist lol. So today I was feeling better. I went out, made preparations for a family celebration tomorrow, stuff like that. I was looking forward to finally talk to the bf tonight in a better mood after not taking his call last night only to follow up with sending him that email.

 

Ok so last night I was upset he had called 1am his time, tonight he called - drum roll - 2am his time. Since I have not been severely depressed anymore since yesterday, instead of sounding sad and upset, I was really fed up and was completely cold and indifferent. I really think I need to break things off with him but am taking the advice I got here to wait until at least the first therapy to see if I find any useful insight. He asked how I was doing and instead of complaining I said I was back to my old self and was doing just fine. I kept wanting to hang up because he was saying it was late there but he said he could talk, then I got annoyed and said I was actually tired and was about to sleep when he called so even though it is 3 hours later where he's at, I'm the tired one.

 

So he said tomorrow he'll try to call earlier. I guess that's not the point, the point is he calls late, it's Saturday, he told me he had gone out to eat and went to a concert with some friends he has in town and all these other things he did that day.The whole time I'm thinking he tells me he doesn't want me to come visit him and yet I have to sit here listening to all the things he's doing to the point he calls me this late which he never stays up that late with me, and I'm supposed to be the happy gf back home he calls to hear from? I finally feel very justified in all the anger towards him I've been feeling and no longer as confused. He wanted to talk more about why I was upset before. I made broad statements like I'm searching for the meaning and purpose of my life, which I am but it's not the sole contributor to my depression as much as he is.

 

His response was that - another drumroll - maybe I should get on medication after all! Ha, so that was the last straw. My response was that now that I was back to my old self, I don't need medication and in fact I don't think I need the therapy either but I'll go anyways to see what he has to say (mind you I am still planning on going). So basically he confirmed I was still going to pick him up from the airport when he got back, I think he senses i am losing my feelings for him. I said yes but deep down I really don't want to anymore and am wanting to break things off before he gets back. The good thing is that I am no longer so torn up and a wreck over it like I have been. Sometimes I suddenly get turned off by a guy and there's no turning back.

 

I never thought it would ever ever happen with him, but that happened for some reason tonight, it was like everything built up and tonight was the last straw. He will be comopletely shocked and devestated and not understand why, but I have been losing my feelings slowly to the point where instead of saying we need to talk or work things out, the next conversation will be along the lines of this isn't working and it's time to call it quits. I don't know when to tell him, I am anxious to but I just want to go to the dam therapy for once and see if it will do any miracles which I don't expect but who knows. I can't sleep but at least I'm not feeling broken hearted. Instead it is more of a fed up feeling. And I'll edit to add that the first time we met prior to us getting back together a few months ago was on Nov. 11 and he didn't even acknowledge it. In fact he called when it was Nov. 12 in his time zone. I think this has a lot to do with how I'm feeling right now. Actually I am very hurt, but I'm trying a new coping mechanism of telling myself that I'm not so I won't feel too upset, I can't handle to go through all the emotions all over again.

[dgiirl]

Fun, a very stressful night indeed. I think you are reaching the threshold of bailing on this relationship. It seems you've kept quiet about what's bothering you so much that you've built up quite a lot of resentment, and then all of a sudden you're just going to blow. This is quite a normal course of action, although pretty immature. I'm not sure you can salvage this relationship, you have to want to. But if you do, or even for future relationships, you need to learn to communicate your needs and desires. And I read in another place that this has been a pattern for you. Regardless of what happens with you and your bf, I think it's really important to go to counselling. Counselling can help you break those patterns and teach you better coping mechanisms and methods to communicate with a partner without being intrusive or passive.

 

Good luck on your session tomorrow. There probably wont be any major miracles of insight happening tomorrow. It might take a little bit of time before you become comfortable and the therapist can get a clear idea of what's happening. I remember my very first session, i went in, she asked me "So what's going on?" and i just blabbered out every single thing that was happening to me for a straight hour. I didnt even realize I kept going on and on and on. I'm not usually the talker, especially around strangers. At the end of the session she just looked at me with amazement and said "Ok, well, i think we need another session". It was because she never had a chance to offer any support at all. I did ALL the talking and she didnt have a chance to say a word.

 

I do think some of the dynamics of your relationship are to blame for some of your issues. And you are both to blame for this. Like me, you are holding some things back, and then just blowing up once you've reached the threshold. Your bf sometimes says some inappropriate things, but at the same time, is trying desperately to keep the peace with you. And I think if you knew other methods of communicating, you both could have a better healthy relationship. You created this relationship, and I'd hate to see you repeat the same thing. I dont want to see you back out of counselling and use your bf as the scapegoat. Yes, maybe your bf has some issues of his own, maybe he does take you for granted, BUT you still made these choices to be with him and to not state clearly what you want. You have to learn why! You have to take 100% responsiblity for your role in the relationship. Otherwise, you're going to play this cycle over and over and over again.

[Fun2BMe]

Fun, a very stressful night indeed. I think you are reaching the threshold of bailing on this relationship. It seems you've kept quiet about what's bothering you so much that you've built up quite a lot of resentment, and then all of a sudden you're just going to blow. This is quite a normal course of action, although pretty immature.

I don't know if it's immature but that seems to be what I am doing and have done before. The thing is he knows what frustrates me, he always casually and indirectly state it in the future which hurts because right now I feel like he knows the things that are bothering but plays dumb about it and I'm not going to spell it out for him even if that's what he's waiting for.

 

I want to be with someone who can sense my needs just like how I always sense the needs of my partner and if I sense they are unhappy about something I will tell them what I think is the matter instead of torturing them by acting like I am clueless to force them to open up. It only makes me not want to open up because I feel like we are not on the same page, that he doesn't get me. I think we all want to be understood on a certain level especially by our loved ones so if they don't understand us, it does seem pointless to spoon feed our feelings to them.

 

I think as much as I so much want things to work out between us, the thought that he doesn't pick up on how I feel makes me feel misunderstood and unloved. For him to suggest that I need therapy or medication because he is THAT clueless about all the things he does that are bothering me is really making me lose all my feelings for him very quickly, faster than he can realize what is happening and before he knows it I will be announcing our break up to him. I'm thinking of telling him that I am going to keep the therapy appt out of respect since it's already been made so we don't play games that I have some mental problem that needs help when he is driving me to be upset by neglecting all of my needs.

 

 

Good luck on your session tomorrow. I did ALL the talking and she didnt have a chance to say a word.

That's good advice, I should let the therpist ask questions and answer briefly so I can get his feedback too.I mean he costs an arm and a leg so I think that's excellent advice;) to speed things along.

 

Like me, you are holding some things back, and then just blowing up once you've reached the threshold. Your bf sometimes says some inappropriate things, but at the same time, is trying desperately to keep the peace with you.

It's messed up for hiim to cause the dynamics, expect me to cope to them on my own, and if I don't try to keep the peace. That's how I see it. He knows how backing out of not having me visit him on the trip is troubling me, so I get upset and he tells me to seek treatment. Screw that. Really. I feel like I am seeing the situation with a clarity all of a sudden.

 

 

And I think if you knew other methods of communicating, you both could have a better healthy relationship. You created this relationship, and I'd hate to see you repeat the same thing. I dont want to see you back out of counselling and use your bf as the scapegoat. Yes, maybe your bf has some issues of his own, maybe he does take you for granted, BUT you still made these choices to be with him and to not state clearly what you want. You have to learn why! You have to take 100% responsiblity for your role in the relationship. Otherwise, you're going to play this cycle over and over and over again.

You are right that I am not stating clearly what I want. As to why, I think as I explained above, I want him to have a sense of what my needs are. I think he does, he is very intuitive and smart. He picks up on a lot of people, their intentions and all that and is an extremely savy businessman because of it. SO I see him doing all of that with others, yet when it comes to me I am supposed to think he is 100% clueless? And now I am coming to the conclusion that if he really is that clueless, then we are wrong for each other. I don't want to spill my guts out and put into words everything, just like I don't make himi do that. I have too much pride for that. And if I play this cycle over and over, eventually I will find someone who is more accommodating and understanding of my needs. thanks dgirl for your feedback, I feel like you can relate to my situation from some of your similar experiences. I did think he was the love of my life, that I would do anything to have him back in my life and all that. So you can imagine how hurt I feel to be in the situation to tell him no more.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think think either of you know what's going on inside eachother's heads. You assume alot - what he thinks/feels/ or what he 'could' be thinking/feeling and honestly, I think he's confused and clueless when it comes to him figuring out what you think and feel, FUN.

 

The communication isn't good between you both, and because of that, you allow yourself to go into a downward spiral in negative thoughts, which then makes you feel worse, insecure and scared.

 

I know therapy will help you, more than you know and don't give up on that! Do therapy for yourself, not to keep you and the boyfriend together. IF that relationship ends it's because you two are not a good mix together.

[whichwayisup]

he doesn't pick up on how I feel makes me feel misunderstood and unloved.

 

And because of these needs not being met by him is basically what is hurting you most. You need to feel secure, loved and needed by him! And you're not, so inturn, you're reacting to that. And anybody in that type of situation is going to question sincerity and wonder where things are going.

[Fun2BMe]

Do therapy for yourself, not to keep you and the boyfriend together.

 

Now that is excellent piece of advice. I can only gain from therapy and if the relationship ends, the therapy can still help me as a person. I keep thinking it in terms of how it will help the relationship and if it ends then what's the point of going, ignoring the fact that I think I really do need it for myself. Thanks WWIU.

[norajane]

Now that is excellent piece of advice. I can only gain from therapy and if the relationship ends, the therapy can still help me as a person. I keep thinking it in terms of how it will help the relationship and if it ends then what's the point of going, ignoring the fact that I think I really do need it for myself. Thanks WWIU.

 

That's an excellent perspective to take on the therapy.

 

I am anxious to but I just want to go to the dam therapy for once and see if it will do any miracles which I don't expect but who knows.

 

This, on the other hand, concerns me. Please don't expect miracles - therapy takes time before it shows its value! You didn't become who you are overnight; your problems didn't just happen suddenly. It's taken years for you to get to this point. One or two or three therapy sessions aren't going to miraculously make you all better. You really have to give it a chance in order to help yourself. You get out of therapy what you put into it.

[dgiirl]

That's good advice, I should let the therpist ask questions and answer briefly so I can get his feedback too.I mean he costs an arm and a leg so I think that's excellent advice;) to speed things along.

 

Please, dont worry about speeding therapy along to save money. During my separation, I read in a book that it's important to spend some money on ourselves _now_ when we really need it than to deny ourselves things and keep pushing ourselves and end up having a nervous breakdown and being hospitalized in a few years from now when you'll be forced to spend the money. You can either spend a little money/time on yourself now, or get really really sick and be forced to take the time/money later and a lot more of it too.

 

Like Touche kindly reminded me the other day, if you cant put yourself at the top of your list, how can you expect anyone else too?

 

 

As for the dynamics of your relationship, I dont want to get into too much of a debate over this. I empthazie with the need to be felt important and wanting him to come to you instead of you needing to tell him every time you are upset. And I strongly believe therapy will give you some good direction on fixing this. I _can_ empthazie with this. I've been there, and did the same things as you are now... But at the same time, I can now see that doing more damage than good. On some level, you are right. But as dr phil says, do you want to be right or happy? Sometimes you have to give a little in order to be happy. And sometimes that means swallowing your pride and saying what's wrong in order to resolve the issues. See, your bf is to blame because he's not asking the questions. You are just as much to blame because you're not giving the answers. You both are letting pride get in the way and this is not a mature way to deal with relationship problems.

 

WWIU said very nicely what I was trying to say. You will gain a lot of benefits from therapy just as a person. You will understand yourself better, the way you think and why. And be able to redirect thoughts that are not healthy for you and be able to strengthing your beliefs that do work for you. You will get a lot out of therapy if you allow it.