I'm finally going to do it but don't know how!

[Fun2BMe]

Here's an update on the situation. I was very nervous and not sure whether to attend the function tonight. After our fighting emails, I was not informed whether or not the exbf and his new squeeze would be there. Sure enough shortly after I arrived they walked through the doors. It was very awkward. He came to me and said he was glad I decided to come, which was BS because he never was encouraging for me to go and I felt he really didn't want me to go so I wanted to look strong by going.

 

He introduced me to the girl. It was a relief to see that I was at least better looking than her, I couldn't help but to compare myself to her. I felt like crying several times but held it in and acted casual. We have mutual friends who were there and it was awkward for them to see him with the other girl, so I felt I got some sympathy points there.

 

Overall I think I accomplished what I wanted, which was to show him I was over him. More than once he came to me to say that he would be freed up by next week at which time he'd be able to spend time with me again, but I said my schedule was looking very busy and I walked away. He looked nervous and even a little foolish by the end of the night.

 

After saying by to everyone as I was leaving I sensed he was approaching me but I quickly exited and darted to my car to avoid any further talk with him. I'm so so proud of myself. My therapist was there and he gave me a pat on the back and said we'd have a lot to talk about next week. I admit I cried a little on my drive home, feeling upset how things changed so suddenly and the thought of him with her, now having a face to attach to the girl, but in general I feel relieved I don't feel torn up and depressed over it and am doing ok considering the situation. Although I feel sad, I feel so proud of myself for not getting sucked back in to the relationship and really detaching myself from it, both physically and emotionally. I would never have expected such things from me but it does feel good.

[crazy_grl]

That's great fun. Keep staying strong.

[dgiirl]

Fun, it was good that you went, just for yourself. However, I'm still really confused on if this guy actually broke up with you for this girl or not. And my best guess on your situation is you both fail to communicate. He does things to upset you and you dont tell him. So he's constantly jumping through hoops trying to do the right thing. At the same time, he's probably doing some things intentionally, passive agressively, to punish you back. So you are always upset with him, yet never talking about it. He feels he's jumping through hoops and that's never good enough. He gets upset and passive agressively attacks back to see how pissed you'll really get. So you both are feeding off one another making the relationship really dysfunctional.

 

IMO, you need to get out of this relationship. You need to tell him you're breaking up with him. No more emails. No more phone calls. No more talking to him. If he says that he'll be free next week, to me, you havent dumped him yet and you're still letting him control the situation. For once in your life, be honest and upfront with your feelings. Anyone who hides their feelings the way you do cannot be trusted. Anyone who says one thing, yets means a completely different thing, cannot be trusted.

 

You sound like a nice girl. But perhaps you are afraid of looking weak or afraid of making a mistake or afraid of being judged. This is why you hide your feelings. Fun, fsck it! You cant be walking around with all this anger and frustration and stress, upset that ppl are not doing what you want, yet refusing to ask for what you want. Someone told me recently, real courageous and strong people are afraid of things but do it anyways. You are afraid of speaking up and you are afraid of being vulnerable. Just do it! And anyone who judges a person while they are being vulnerable is simply a mean spirited person. It has no reflection on the person but the one who judges.

[crazy_grl]

You need to tell him you're breaking up with him.

 

I agree with this, but that doesn't mean you can't let him stew a bit before hand. There's no need for you to go out of your way to make time for him, even if it's to break up with him. He's clearly not going out of his way for you. If you did it right now, I don't think he'd take you seriously anyway.

 

Before all this, I thought you should break up with him, but only for the right reasons. At this point, I don't think it matters why you're breaking up with him just as long as he's out of your life. A pattern has developed where you start to feel better and seem to be making progress, then he does something that sends you into a tailspin. It's not good for you, and after this latest thing, it seems like he might be doing it on purpose.

 

Once he's gone, you can get your head clear and assess what you did wrong vs. what you did right in this relationship. Then you can figure out how to fix it for your next one.

[whichwayisup]

I admit I cried a little on my drive home, feeling upset how things changed so suddenly and the thought of him with her, now having a face to attach to the girl, but in general I feel relieved I don't feel torn up and depressed over it and am doing ok considering the situation. Although I feel sad, I feel so proud of myself for not getting sucked back in to the relationship and really detaching myself from it, both physically and emotionally. I would never have expected such things from me but it does feel good.

 

Because deep inside your heart, on a sub-conscious level, you know that things are over between you two, that is why you handled this situation so well. The antisipation of not knowing is actually worse, so once you were there and could see things for how they are, you just did what you had to do, and quite easily!

 

You are alot stronger than you give yourself credit for FUN! I'm sure now you feel relieved and have some control back in your life.

 

This is just the beginning, so good for you!! Continue to be proud of yourself and all the hard work you've done to better yourself, and to close off emotionally from him.

[Fun2BMe]

If you guys didn't encourage me to go to therapy, I wouldn't have felt I had the support to do the difficult thing I did last night of facing him at the gathering. Knowing the therapist was going to be there and he's on 'my side' helped me go through with it, along with the encouragement.

 

I'm still really confused on if this guy actually broke up with you for this girl or not. And my best guess on your situation is you both fail to communicate. He does things to upset you and you dont tell him. So he's constantly jumping through hoops trying to do the right thing.

He didn't break up with me. Basically he is saying that she is a 'friend' who he met on the trip, they really hit it off and she's staying with him since she was going to be in town this week anyways. He acts like once she is gone, he'll have all the time for me again. He even wrote an email Monday and last friday called asking if I wanted to meet her and I kept saying NO!!!

 

It's true I don't communicate very well. In my last email to him I clearly told him that I no longer wanted to talk to him, which to me is like breaking up. I emailed that he was very un-intuitive when it comes to me (I know, I know, people can't read our minds, but I can't help it). I also said I thought he was selfish. He wrote back apologizing that he made me upset when he's not trying to, that I must've said those things due to duress he caused, that I should talk it all out with the therapist and next week when I am feeling more positive, I will have regretted saying those things to him and we could talk again. I don't know how he expects things to be ok between us when even last night when I felt better after the event, I couldn't sleep cuz I sit here thinking of them making love possibily or whatever the hell they spend their time doing while she is staying in his home. As much talking as we do, how am I supposed to accept or get over that?

 

 

IMO, you need to get out of this relationship. You need to tell him you're breaking up with him. No more emails. No more phone calls. No more talking to him. If he says that he'll be free next week, to me, you havent dumped him yet and you're still letting him control the situation.

I had made it clear that I no longer want to talk to him. I didn't want to look immature by completely ignoring him last night so he took advantage of having me there to talk otherwise he knows I wouldn't answer his calls, so he said he'd see me next week, maybe to see if I had softened up or in fact already regretted what I had written. I wish I had responded by saying something like "didn't you get my last emai?" He made it nostalgic, saying he got this movie we had been looking for online a couple months ago and he was waiting to watch it with me.

 

 

You sound like a nice girl. But perhaps you are afraid of looking weak or afraid of making a mistake or afraid of being judged. This is why you hide your feelings.

yes, this is very true. I don't want to do things I might regret, or hurt his feelings even though I say I do when I am especially upset. I don't want to be judged and look like a bad person, so I end up sucking it all up and then respond terribly and suddenly want to break up because of all the problems I never spoke up about, like saying he was jealous not during the times he's acted that way, but during my exit email to him I throw all these things at him he doesn't know how to deal with. Who knows how long it will take for me to really improve 100% even though I am making great progress, but in the meantime it's like I have to remove myself from a situation that ends up hurting me constantly.

 

Fun, fsck it! You cant be walking around with all this anger and frustration and stress, upset that ppl are not doing what you want, yet refusing to ask for what you want. Someone told me recently, real courageous and strong people are afraid of things but do it anyways. You are afraid of speaking up and you are afraid of being vulnerable. Just do it! And anyone who judges a person while they are being vulnerable is simply a mean spirited person. It has no reflection on the person but the one who judges.

That's a wonderful statement. I am in fact walking around with a lot of anger and frustration because I am afraid to speak up. I am slowly starting to even though it's in email format but even yesterday I stuck to making it clear I didn't want to be with him. And I like that quote that strong people do the things they are afraid of doing, I feel that's exactly what I did last night. It is one of the highlights of the strong me I am turning into. It's like people think I am a snob because I am naturally quiet and look nice and all that but the truth is I am so scared people have no idea so now I think if I work on it I will finally be happy and not carry so much inside.

 

It's not good for you, and after this latest thing, it seems like he might be doing it on purpose.

That's very interesting you think he might be doing all this on purpose. But I don't understand why he would. I just don't know what's going through his head. I overheard him telling people very highly complimentary things about me, that he has known me for a long time and thinks I'm an incredibly unique and amazing person and so on. I don't know if he knew I could hear him but I was like WTF? Then why is he with this other girl. I quit trying to figure it out, instead I just want out. I just hope down the line I won't regret it, but right now it feels like I am totally doing the right thing.

 

Because deep inside your heart, on a sub-conscious level, you know that things are over between you two, that is why you handled this situation so well. The antisipation of not knowing is actually worse, so once you were there and could see things for how they are, you just did what you had to do, and quite easily!

 

You are alot stronger than you give yourself credit for FUN! I'm sure now you feel relieved and have some control back in your life.

 

This is just the beginning, so good for you!! Continue to be proud of yourself and all the hard work you've done to better yourself, and to close off emotionally from him.

Thank you, I like the thought that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. It's like I've created a role for myself of being not strong and always following that script, then finally I had enough of it and as hard as it was, tried to act out being strong and can see now that I am able to do it and feel good about myself...

-------------------------

Edit - He sent me a long email asking for me to spend Sunday with him so we can talk, see a movie and all that stuff. At first I felt nastalgic and tempted to see him again, but slowly all the resentment returned. I am tempted to tell him off in a final email, but I think the best thing to do is not respond at all, right? Let him think about all the pain he has caused me and I will work on moving on.

[dgiirl]

He didn't break up with me. Basically he is saying that she is a 'friend' who he met on the trip, they really hit it off and she's staying with him since she was going to be in town this week anyways. He acts like once she is gone, he'll have all the time for me again. He even wrote an email Monday and last friday called asking if I wanted to meet her and I kept saying NO!!!

 

I dont think any woman would be comfortable about this. And the fact that he hasnt even put any thought on how this might make you feel shows your priority. But you really did have a responsibility to say you were not comfortable with that situation either. If you wanted the situation resolved, you should have said "I'm not comfortable having another girl sleeping at your house". If he then refused to make other arrangements, I would leave him.

 

 

It's true I don't communicate very well. In my last email to him I clearly told him that I no longer wanted to talk to him, which to me is like breaking up. I emailed that he was very un-intuitive when it comes to me (I know, I know, people can't read our minds, but I can't help it).

 

It's "like breaking up", but it's NOT breaking up. Grab the bull by the horns and say the words. "I am breaking up with you". Make the final decision to let go! Stop fearing making a mistake and make some of them! You will learn from your mistakes and trust me, as one who use to fear SO much about making a mistake, all my fears were unfounded and not nearly as bad as what I thought.

 

The problem is, I'm assuming, you've made these comments before. It sounds like the pattern you both created. You refuse to talk about things, and yet once it builds up, you then go "I dont want to talk to you". He'll come and appologize, jumping through hoops, then after a few days, you'll go back to him and talk. It's the story of the boy who cried wolf. After a while, those dramatic sentences lose meaning and ppl start thinking "yah yah ok, give her a few days and she'll be back to normal".

 

 

 

I also said I thought he was selfish. He wrote back apologizing that he made me upset when he's not trying to, that I must've said those things due to duress he caused, that I should talk it all out with the therapist and next week when I am feeling more positive, I will have regretted saying those things to him and we could talk again.

 

He sounds like an arrogant ass and you've given him way tooo much power over your own thoughts. I did this too with my exh. I substituted his judgement for my own. I felt that he knew best, and if he said something, it must be true. My ex didnt know jack, nor does yours. You have to realize this. You are ALLOWED to feel your emotions. It's ok to feel hurt, to feel sad, to feel angry. And none of those emotions make you evil nor crazy. Crazy is trying to prevent yourself from feeling your emotions. From denying that you DO have emotions. I know, I was there. After my ex left, and I gave myself permission to FEEL, I started to feel much better about myself. I became much more tolerant of myself and I liked myself. I realized that the only time I felt crazy, or felt like a selfish demanding bitch was when I was around HIM. Noone else in the world made me feel like **** except when I was around him. How on earth did he make me feel like ****? It was extremely hard to see what he was doing, because he was never direct to say "I hate you", so instead he'd tell me I overreacted, that the other person was right, that I talk to much, or that I already told him this story. He was always there to play devils advocate, to take someone else's side, to "improve" me.

 

 

I had made it clear that I no longer want to talk to him. I didn't want to look immature by completely ignoring him last night so he took advantage of having me there to talk otherwise he knows I wouldn't answer his calls, so he said he'd see me next week, maybe to see if I had softened up or in fact already regretted what I had written. I wish I had responded by saying something like "didn't you get my last emai?" He made it nostalgic, saying he got this movie we had been looking for online a couple months ago and he was waiting to watch it with me.

 

You dont have to be immature by ignoring him. You can still be civil. This will make YOU a better person. But you still having dumped him. You still are fearing making the final decision. Be assertive and make a decision!

 

 

yes, this is very true. I don't want to do things I might regret, or hurt his feelings even though I say I do when I am especially upset. I don't want to be judged and look like a bad person, so I end up sucking it all up and then respond terribly and suddenly want to break up because of all the problems I never spoke up about, like saying he was jealous not during the times he's acted that way, but during my exit email to him I throw all these things at him he doesn't know how to deal with. Who knows how long it will take for me to really improve 100% even though I am making great progress, but in the meantime it's like I have to remove myself from a situation that ends up hurting me constantly.

 

Yes, I think you do need to remove yourself from the situation. As it is right now, you both are toxic for one another. After a few months separated, you'll start to process the dynamics of the relationship and start to have a better understanding of what's truely going on. You will see his faults and more importantly your own faults. And I hope you will also become stronger from this process. I know I have. I have less fear about making a mistake. If I do, i'll correct it. It's not the end of the world.

 

That's a wonderful statement. I am in fact walking around with a lot of anger and frustration because I am afraid to speak up. I am slowly starting to even though it's in email format but even yesterday I stuck to making it clear I didn't want to be with him. And I like that quote that strong people do the things they are afraid of doing, I feel that's exactly what I did last night. It is one of the highlights of the strong me I am turning into. It's like people think I am a snob because I am naturally quiet and look nice and all that but the truth is I am so scared people have no idea so now I think if I work on it I will finally be happy and not carry so much inside.

 

Oh gosh girl. I can imagine how scared you are. I was petrified for years. I became this meek girl who couldnt do anything on my own. I felt like I had to keep up this facade of a person that i thought everyone wanted. Truth be known tho, noone even SAW that facade, nor wanted it. People didnt see me the way I saw myself. And this can be good or bad. People percieve you the way they percieve you. You have no control over that. And because different people percieve you differently, you cant let them define who you are. Only you truely know who you are. And this is good because, my exh percieved me as a selfish evil person. And I know now, without a doubt, this is untrue. I know who I am now. And those who dont like who I am, or dont contibute to my self-esteem can leave my life. Every single person in my life now contributes to my self-esteem. They dont try to cut me down, nor try to change me. They dont sugar coat things for me, but they're good for my soul. Over time my exh was no longer good for my soul.

 

Edit - He sent me a long email asking for me to spend Sunday with him so we can talk, see a movie and all that stuff. At first I felt nastalgic and tempted to see him again, but slowly all the resentment returned. I am tempted to tell him off in a final email, but I think the best thing to do is not respond at all, right? Let him think about all the pain he has caused me and I will work on moving on.

 

I think you need to email/call him once, not in anger, and tell him calmly that this relationship is no longer working and that you want him to stop talking to you. You DO have to say it once, for karma's sake. Otherwise, you're just playing games and turning a relationship into bitter spiteful ending. I feel it's important to handle yourself with grace at all times, especially during the end of a relationship. I think karma rewards you for doing good, and can equally punish you for doing bad.

[crazy_grl]

I agree with everybody that Fun should officially dump him, but does anybody else think that Fun should wait until the girl leaves before she does it? It seems to me like if she does it before, he'll just take it as her trying to disrupt his time with that girl because Fun is jealous and trying to start drama so he'll start paying attention to her. If she waits until the girl is gone, he's more likely to realize that this isn't a game and that Fun is actually through with him.

 

I want to know if I'm the only one thinking this.

[dgiirl]

crazy, you have a point. If the girl's going to be gone in a day or two, then i guess there's no harming in waiting it out. To me, I just prefer to get things over with. However, it doesnt matter WHAT he thinks tho. Obviously he thinks it's ok to have other girls sleep in his appartment and not speak to his gf during this time, so his thinking is a little messed up.

[crazy_grl]

However, it doesnt matter WHAT he thinks tho.

 

Oh, you're right. Of course it doesn't!

 

I just know if I were in the situation it would make it easier for me to end things for good and get him out of my life as fast as possible if I knew in my own mind that he couldn't easily interpret me dumping him as an attempt to create drama and get his attention back. I think it'd feel more dignified and empowering to just move on and withdraw from him until he comes around and says "Ok, now that she's gone I can make time for you" then tell him "Good for you, but too little, too late. I'm done with this."

[Fun2BMe]

dgiirl, I feel very grateful getting all your feedback because it's like you have gone through a similar phase in your life and I can benefit by learning what worked for you to get out of it. It's so true how he does cut me down. I mean the period he wasn't with me anymore, I felt strong and the me I want to be. When we reconnected, he was praising me night and day, loved how I was.

 

Then he would point out how I was changing and kept comparing how I was more happy and talkative when earlier on when we reconnected. I kept thinking what is wrong with me, and was making excuses and apologizing. But looking back at the situation, he was always doing and saying things to make me feel insecure, question his whereabouts like when he was travling and starting to play mindgames with me to the point I feel like I have come close to losing my mind and want to run in the opposite direction, feel scared to speak my mind because nothing nice is going to come out and if I blame him he is a good talker he will make it seem like it's all in my head that I have to see the therapist!

 

 

crazy_grl, that's a good point, that he might think I am doing all this to get his attention, which I sure am not. I am not even thinking about how it will divert his attention AWAY from the girl and focus on me. In fact I even mentioned earlier on that I feared if I dumped him during the time the girl was here, that he would need consolation and would probably bond even MORE with the girl and if there was a chance they are in fact 'just friends' it would lead to more maybe.

 

But now I can see how he might think I am doing all this as a cry for attention and might not realize the severeity of it. He is in for a big surprise. First he said she was staying for 4 days (she arrived last Friday). Then it was a week so not knowing exactly how long she is here has been an additional mindgame (not intentionally on him but for me it is one more thing to fuss over for me). Since he said he has Sunday to spend with me, I have to assume she is leaving either today or tomorrow, as far as waiting til she leaves before I formally spell out the break up with him.

 

I do love love the advice to do it in a civil manner. I had thought of some clever but mean things to email or say to him IF I chose to make one more contact, but the idea to do it nicely so I will be at peace karma wise is truly wonderful advice I so much appreciate. I think it will make me feel better about MYSELF. After being a super nice person to him all this time, why exit with bitterness and hate. Let him really realize what he has lost and how he lost it. I think I will think of a very casual and to the point response to his email asking me for Sunday so that he understands I am not wanting to hear back from him (hence no games/drama/trying to get his attention) that I am in fact over him and it wasn't a spur of the moment statement I had made earlier that I have come to regret. Instead of ignoring him completely - I think then he might think it's a game, wondering how many times he is supposed to contact me before I respond. So I will take the step to with gracefulness make it very clear that it's over.

[dgiirl]

dgiirl, I feel very grateful getting all your feedback because it's like you have gone through a similar phase in your life and I can benefit by learning what worked for you to get out of it. It's so true how he does cut me down. I mean the period he wasn't with me anymore, I felt strong and the me I want to be. When we reconnected, he was praising me night and day, loved how I was.

 

Then he would point out how I was changing and kept comparing how I was more happy and talkative when earlier on when we reconnected. I kept thinking what is wrong with me, and was making excuses and apologizing. But looking back at the situation, he was always doing and saying things to make me feel insecure, question his whereabouts like when he was travling and starting to play mindgames with me to the point I feel like I have come close to losing my mind and want to run in the opposite direction, feel scared to speak my mind because nothing nice is going to come out and if I blame him he is a good talker he will make it seem like it's all in my head that I have to see the therapist!

 

I can relate to a lot of the feelings you are expressing. A lot of doubt, a lot of anger, a lot of guilt and a lot of insecurity. It took me a while to fully understand it, and I dont think I would have if my ex didnt leave. For me, when i went into therapy, I found out I had anxiety. And that was the very first step to recovery. This is why I strongly urge you to be completely open and honest with your therapist. He cant help you unless you tell him what you are thinking and feeling. So I'm very proud of you that you went and are continuing on going.

 

You were/are showing a lot of anxiety symptoms right now. And this is not meant to scare you because everyone shows anxiety at one point or another. People get the jitters when they're about to take an exam or do public speaking or whatever. So it's perfectly normal to FEEL anxiety.

 

But I feel, based on my own experiences, and relating to what you are writing, that the dynamics of your relationship is causing you anxiety. This is not to completely villianize your (ex)bf, because surely there were good things about my ex too. But my ex had his own problems and between the two of us, we created a really dysfunctional relationship.

 

By reading the symptoms of anxiety, I know I've had anxiety all my life. So my ex didnt cause it. But he amplified it greatly. He had no clue I had anxiety and had no clue his actions would cause such torment with me. He probably still doesnt understand it. On the other hand, I never realized he was a passive aggressive, and that his snide remarks that seem so innocent and hard to pinpoint if that was an attack or not, were actually his way of expressing anger. Had he known I suffered from anxiety, he probably would have reacted differently. Had I known he was angry, I probably would have reacted differently. But his passive agressive attacks would cause great doubt, fear and insecurity inside me, adding to my anxiety. My anxiety attacks of fearing everything and questioning everything and constantly wanting this and that made him feel unappreciated, thus upsetting him more, thus becoming more angry, thus expressing his anger in his own way of passive aggressively attacking me. And the cycle continues.

 

Part of the problem is the way he acts towards you. And a bigger part of the problem is how you respond to it. For me, I had to :

 

1) understand that i had anxiety,

 

2) learn the symptoms of anxiety,

 

3) be able to know when I was having an anxiety attack,

 

4) know how to manage my anxiety so that I didnt have anxiety attacks. I'm still working on 4. It's fricken hard lol

 

5) know that no matter what the "truth" is, if I feel hurt, I feel hurt. It doesnt matter what your intentions are, if you dont validate my feelings, I'm not going to feel heard or be able to get over it. And a lot of times, this validation SHOULD come from within. For instance, your bf might not ever agree that having a girl who's a friend sleep over at his house is a major deal. But if you feel that it's a major deal, and you are upset about it, you dont need HIS validation, his agreement, his permission to feel entitled to that belief. You dont need to convince him to see it your way, so that you can feel "right" in your feelings. Give yourself the permission to feel upset about it. Just tell yourself "I'm right". That's it. No questions. No trying to prove your point to anyone. Just allow yourself to feel what you feel. Once you give yourself permission to your feelings, THEN work on a compromise with him to resolve the issue. You dont need someone to see your POV all the time. You dont need them to agree with you 100%. You just need to get them to compromise on a solution that works for the both of you.

 

This has helped me greatly in the last two years. I've started to build back my self confidence and become a lot more patient with myself and others. I no longer feel the need to defend myself. I simply state what I want and how I feel and at the same time give the other person a chance to keep their own self respect because I give them permission to their feelings too. It doesnt matter if we agree on everything. What's important is how we both feel and work on a solution where we both feel good.

[Fun2BMe]

And a lot of times, this validation SHOULD come from within. For instance, your bf might not ever agree that having a girl who's a friend sleep over at his house is a major deal. But if you feel that it's a major deal, and you are upset about it, you dont need HIS validation, his agreement, his permission to feel entitled to that belief. You dont need to convince him to see it your way, so that you can feel "right" in your feelings. Give yourself the permission to feel upset about it. Just tell yourself "I'm right". That's it. No questions. No trying to prove your point to anyone. Just allow yourself to feel what you feel.

 

That is incredibly insightful. Now that I think about it, I've been trying to think of justifications to provide to him for how I feel, fearing that each thing I say he being good with words, will one-up me and devalue the reasons why I am upset. Now I can tell myself that I don't need his approval to be upset at a situation that has hurt me and that I find unacceptable. In fact I don't even want to really share any of it to give him the opportunity to counterback. I am so over it, I still feel very very hurt but I don't want to share my hurt with him, to give him the satisfaction of making me feel like I have no right to be upset at him. That is good advice for me to feel ok with my feelings even if he doesn't see it that I should be upset.

 

Wow, I feel so so much better and mores secure with how I feel. I feel less afraid, I don't need to please him while at the same time being scared to actually feel upset. I am upset, period. There's nothing he can do to reverse how he responded to my expressing my being upset. First he tells me to go talk to the therapist, as if my feelings are not important enough for him to deal with. When I ignored that email, he sends me another one offering to spend the day together so we can talk about it together. Well, now I feel if he really cared, that wouldn't have been his last option, that he would've made time to deal with how he was hurting me at the time I expressed how upset I was, not until he waits for this girl to leave.

 

I am so ready to move on now. It still hurts, but much less thank goodness. Thanks for sharing all the insite. And you are right, the more I express everything to the therapist, such as about the anxiety, the more he will be able to help me. I should tell him about all the anxiety I was feeling at the gathering. I am used to projecting a very strong, secure image but then I can't get help to really be strong. I think I have all the tools now to move on, not go back to the relationship and have respect for myself and accept my feelings without getting validation for them. THank you

[whichwayisup]

Hey FUN, just wondering how you are doing over the holidays. Been a while since I've seen you on LS. Hope you had a great Xmas!!

[Fun2BMe]

Hey FUN, just wondering how you are doing over the holidays. Been a while since I've seen you on LS. Hope you had a great Xmas!!

 

Hi WWIU, thanks for checking up. xmas ended up being nice spending time with family whereas if I was with the bf I would've been with him instead so everyone was very happy to have me around which feels really good to do.

 

The last time I saw and spoke to the bf was the last time I wrote about it when I bumped into him at the function. Since then, he has emailed several times and has left many many voicemails, the last one being on Sunday so I think he might not contact me for a while if he hasn't in the past few days in a row and must finally realize I was serious when I said I didn't want to talk to him anymore.

 

I think he thought I was crying wolf and trying to get attention. First his emails and messages were like ok so when I am going to see you, enough of this. Then the tone got more and more serious until his last message it sounded like he had been crying. Well, I did enough crying and hurting. What comes around goes around, you reap what you sow.

 

It's funny you ask now because earlier tonight I was tempted to call or email him just to let him know I don't want to talk to him because in his last message he says to tell him if that's how I really feel so he doesn't contact me anymore, but thinking about it I think I was looking for an excuse to make contact with him. Also I think I am scared to finalize that it is over and am keeping things hanging while still moving on.

 

I suddenly was feeling bad for him, but then all I have to do is remember how he was so careless about my feeings while he was with the other girl and a surge of anger overtakes me all over again and enables me to move on without getting any temptation to contact him. The therapist is just amazing and so helpful. He called today just to check up on me and he is giving me so much strength and is currently working on giving me a lot more confidence. He's the best thing that's happened to me and it's ironic how it was the bf who introduced me to him yet all he's done is help me to move on from him!

 

I go through moments of being extremely angry at him, followed by the rare moment of feeling bad for being apart. Like the thought of not being with him for new year's makes me feel a sense of relief on the one hand yet sad and also angry too. A lot of emotions going on.