Am I being selfish or give it another round?

[guest123]

Ok, here we go. Little histrory - Hubby and I met when we I was 19, him 17. We dated 7 years and then were engaged for 3 of those 7 and finally tied the knot in 2001. Now he's turnin 30 and i'm 31. I'm miserable and irritated with my marriage. Basically, I guess I feel that I've always been the one making the effort in the marriage and he is hanging off my coattails or i'm pullin' him in a wagon behind me.

 

In 1998, I bought a house at 23, took all the money I saved from working as a teen to get us a place to live. I felt sorry for my then fiance, cause he had a rough childhood. He never had a place to live or really call home for a long enough period of time, cause his parents constantly broke up and got back together and bounced from apartment to hotels, to a duplex to wherever they could basically live.

 

Anyhow, I got a decent job, not great, but decent. He works as a tow truck driver. He never got his GED, I at least graduated high school. We got married, and then the baby thing started. I went alone to most of the appointments. We had trouble concieving, so I sought out a specialist for infertility. I often felt alone, cause he was always out with his buddies, fishing, playin darts at bars, doin' things with them. I would sit home every night wanting him to just spend time with me for a change.

 

Life got harder and harder to work thru. I paid all the bills, he would give me money periodically, sometimes, he'd give me it with no problem, others, i would have to ask him or remind him. He sometimes would just up and leave and not wake me up or tell me where he was going, which annoyed me. I got to the point of lonelyness setting in..cause I felt i just kept giving, and getting nothing in return. I started to talk to other guys on the computer, at first it was just to have "SOMEONE" to talk too!

 

But, it lead to me releasing my fustrations of a sexless most the time marriage, into me having phone sex with these people..and i just felt bad, cause I know it wasn't right. I tried so hard to get his attention at times. I would always get, "Later, not now" or "I'm tierd," or "the race/game is on ..later". I got to the point that one night i begged him on a Saturday night, "pleassssssse, can we go out tonight together, even just fireworks???"

 

He would sit on the computer and play poker all night and didn't budge. I finally went in the bedroom and just cried and told him, "I've had enough" We have nothing in common much either, as far as likes or foods or anything, which makes it even more difficult. I started to think I was a some kind of sex addict..because i felt like, "is it ME?? " "or is it just him??" My parents have always felt like i'm more his mother figure than him treating me like a wife?? I don't know. So anyhow, we are now living separated. He now has an apartment (for a year) and I have the house, since every bill was in my name cause of his credit history (he wanted it that way at the time)

 

Now he chats with me on the computer. He tells me he wants me back and will do whatever he has to do. Last week, he read my journal without me knowing. He found parts about how i had pre wedding jitters even back then and kissed my neighbor. He said, i should have told him, yet..i always feel he is hiding something from me too. My parents have more than once, caught him in lies. I'm going for counseling now. I actually started to think the man was bi. I sometimes wonder if just movin' on and gettin a divorce would be easier than goin' thru this what seems to be an ongoing Jerry Springer nightmare! I feel lost, confused, and lonely. I don't want to start over at 31. I want a family and kids. I often wonder if he'd even get up with the children, he don't even get up for the dog! Just curious as to others opinion on this situation.

 

I feel the trust is kinda gone for both of us. He is going to therapy with me next week finally for the first time. (actually second, 9 years ago, even before we married, i had the same issues with this man..that's why i feel time is waisting away and i'm just hanging on--we've been thru this before already). What do you think..i'd love to hear some comments. Thanks for listening.

[whichwayisup]

This all depends on how much you love him and are willing to work at things to fix the marriage. Go to marriage counselling together, remember what it was that made you fall inlove with him to begin with. Can he change? Grow up abit and take on the responsibility of being a husband? These are all things you must ask yourself before taking him back. DO you want to have children? IF so, do you believe he'll be a good father, and be responsible enough?

 

If not, maybe it's time to say goodbye and move on.

 

He definately needs one on one therapy too, so encourage him with that. The marriage counselling will help you both.

[Guest123]

Thanks so much for the reply. I have never posted here before but have seen your replies to many different topics. I recognized the name from another topic I read on that was posted back in July. I woke up today feeling awful again as usual. I think the stress of this whole situation has really led me to someone i'm truely not used to being..(and i don't like this person very much..always sad, down, irritable..etc) It just seems that ever since I've been with him, I've been on a downward spiral. That is what I try to keep in mind, about how you said, "remember what made you fall in love with him".

 

I think that's what the therapist I am seeing is currently trying to work through with me, but she continues to tell me, "I'm not hearing anything really "GOOD" about this man..meaning, I'm not hearing you say, what are the "GOOD" points about him..and why you love him." I think that's because to be honest...even though we were together for so long before marriage, our relationship started out as two young teenagers not even knowin' eachothers last names just kissing and hoppin' in bed together, basically.

 

It was purely physical attraction on both ends. We never really talked much, he's very quiet and don't say much. He's trying some now, but I think it makes me angry to know he took 12 years or for it to get this far before doing so. I had hopes that he would take care of me somewhat too, but yet..i have not felt it except for him cooking for me now and then. That's really the only thing I see he does. Maybe cut the grass after weeks of letting it get to the point we live in a field. I guess I try to make jokes or find humor in order to keep myself from the hurt and cryin' all the time. I have too, it's like otherwise I'd go even more nuts than i already probably am. Many folks I've talked to feel he won't change, if he hasn't already. Like i said, all he keeps sayin is, "i'm trying".

 

Yet, it also makes me wonder about him. He keeps bringing up things about sex. Wanting me with another man and with another woman. He takes pics of me and puts them on the internet. He says it's because he thinks I'm hot. I do think we are a good lookin' couple, but dang..i mean, i don't know..he's now kinda freakin' me out here. Before, he wasn't sexual at all hardly, now he's like doin' this kinda stuff. My therapist seems to think that from what i tell her about him, he may have multiple personalities. I'm like, great, now how do i deal with this??? I am not a psychologist, so I have no clue. Maybe that explains when he would get woken up by the phone ringing and it was my mom on a Sunday morning, he'd get up all mad, slam doors, be like, "What the f***, can't ever get any sleep, rar rar rarrrr".

 

I always felt I was walking on eggshells with him. He even through papers across the room and a book one time at the wall just cause our friends wanted to go out..and he didn't want too..and my friend pulled me by the hand and said, "Come on, your goin..whether he likes it or not, don't worry what he always thinks!" But then, he came out with us, and acted moody for awhile..but then fine! I don't get it!!! I just can't understand him. The baby thing, yes, I would lovvvvve to have children. We tried from the time i was 26 and got married, til last summer, when i just said, "i've had enough for awhile."

 

I think all the Gonal-F injections and blood tests, and constant appts. with me tryin' to leave work and me feelin' like i was "Doin' all the work..alone, well almost" took a tremendous toll on me. But thanks again for listening and responding..keep in touch, or anyone else out there for comments too, i'd love to hear from you.

[AgentD]

Guest123,

 

Please do not post one long paragraph. This is the second time I've had to edit your post(s).

 

Thanks in Advance!

[norajane]

I'm with your therapist on this one - I fail to see what is worth you staying around for. Yes, you got together when you were both young and it may very well be that you have absolutely nothing in common anymore. Sounds like you took care of him when he needed a stable home. Sounds like he has a LOT of issues that he needs to work through with a therapist - his home life growing up seems like it would breed all kinds of issues.

 

In any case, my view is you would be better of starting fresh with someone else. Under no circumstances should you be having a child with him - I see no evidence that he would be responsible enough to be a good father.

[Guest]

I ty NoraJane for your advice and the other poster as well. I have decided to continue therapy, if he shows, he shows up on Thurs. if not, i know where i stand. I told him tonight to go to his apartment and i really feel i need my time to live MY life..and same goes for HIM. I love him, but like you said Nora, i am having a hard time seein' maturity at this point. I think one of us just grew up and knows what they want (me) and he's still maybe in transition..not sure. Thanks again for all who continue to post.

[jenschaos]

I happen to agree with norajane, and don't force a disision just keep working with your emotions and your therapist, and as you contiune to grow and as time goes on you will come to a desison when you are ready, and it will all fall into place then

[pinenuts]

it's never too late to find someone who loves you back, "love" and all other forms of relationship that has "love" build into it involves ACTION, what your husband/wife do defines who he/she is. When someone loves you, he/she should respect your feelings, opinions, values, ideals and beliefs, vice versa.

In your case, i don't think he's that much participated in this marriage. My gut's telling me he's hiding something in the closet.

[Guest]

I really have no idea if your being selfish or just stressed out. I'm 42 yrs old. This is my third marriage and I've really been trying to make it work this time. Three's the charm thing. Hee Hee! We've been together 10 years now. It's the longest relationship I've ever been in and we too had fertility problems (for six long years). I thought I would loose my mind. It was so devistating to our relationship. We seperated for six months at one point. I started to think he was bi myself.

 

I payed all the bills and he seemed to take little responsibility for much. We now have two children after I took Bromocript or something like that. Things have changed since then. He now pays the household utility bills. I pay for groceries, household supplies, diapers, and medical bills.

Don't we all have multiple personalities??????? We all have different emotions. FYI....true MPD is Very, Very, Rare.........

Well, after divorcing twice........I've decided that the pain of divorce is greater than just living with the grief. It can always get worse, if we kill the pain of not having a child with more pain. Hang in there girlfriend.

Try to enjoy each other. All men are *******s and I've shopped around alot......Keep up your living in a field jokes, There GREAT!!!!!!! KEep the faith, things happen in God's time, not ours.