I can't believe I'm here

[Heartsonfire]

First off, I would like to say hey to everyone on the forum. I've been reading over the past couple of hours and finally decided to join and share my story with ya'll.

 

My name is Holly and I'm 33 and I've been married for 8 years. And as of October 30th, the blinders have been removed from my eyes. I guess I will start at the beginning.

 

The first 4 years of marriage was really good. I was happy and I thought he was too. Then in 2002 I was diagnosed with Leukemia. I was put in the hospital and had underwent chemo and a stem cell transplant. I was in remission up untill June of last year when we recieved the news that my cancer was back. I went through more chemo and finally had a bone marrow transplant from an unknown donor in January of this year. I'm home untill I have to go back into the hospital because I get Pheumonia and have to have surgery on my lung cause it colapsed.

 

He was such a wonderful husband through all of this. He stayed by my side and was at the hospital every single day and just wouldn't let me give up. He worked and took care of the children. I have 4. Two are from a previous marriage that ended on happy terms by the way. The other 2 are his. He did everything. I couldn't have asked for a better man.

 

And what did I do? Treat him like total crap. I was moody and emotional and would get angry at every turn. But about a month ago, I started feeling like my old self again. All the medication is out of my system and I feel like Holly again. But it's too late. He comes and tells me that he's not happy and hasn't been for a long time. He say's he loves me but doesn't love me like a husband should. Which by the way, I don't understand.

 

I tell him that things will be different. That I'm better now. That it's my turn to take care of him. He say's that he's been hurt too much and for so long that he's not willing to take that chance again.

 

We talk and he finally say's that he will try to let me try. And I do try. But when he would come home from work, I would go and hug him and try to kiss him on the lips, he would turn his head away. This just sent daggers in my heart. But I said to myself that I deserved this and let it go on for a week. Every day my heart broke more and more. Finally, I had enough and I guess you can say that I gave him an ultimatum.

 

I told him that he could either stay here and get our marriage back on track or he could leave. He kept saying how unhappy he was and that the WHOLE 8 years of marriage was miserable. I get so upset that I go into the house, pull out some luggage and start putting his clothes in them. He comes into the room and asks what am I doing??? I tell him that I love him and I want him to be happy and the only way I know for him to be happy is for him to leave and the least I can do for him is to pack his clothes. He starts putting his clothes back. I truely feel that if I didn't insist on his leaving, that he wouldn't have.

 

But how was I suppose to continue and to show him that I've changed when all I get from him is rejection? How am I suppose to compete with this huge brick wall that he has put up against me? I just couldn't do it anymore.

 

I'm so depressed. I miss him so freaking much and so do the kids. I don't know what to do or to say. I don't know if I've shared too much or not enough info for anyone to give me advice. I just know that I love him with every fiber of my being and I want so desperatly to show him that I'm not the same person and that things could and will be better.

[Gunny376]

First off welcome to LS!

 

Second, Wow!

 

I;m not going to post anything, just think about your post for the next day or two.

[Scott S]

Pleased to meet you.

 

So you are going through quite an ordeal. All of you.

 

I believe there are a number of issues going on, all contributing to this.

 

First, I can attest that chemo can affect moods, temperament, & other aspects of mentality. About 4 years ago, Gina’s mother was glorified after battling lymphoma for several years. She underwent chemo & radiation, & suffered the usual physical side effects. It also affected her mentally as well. A lot of mood swings, confusion & disorientation (causing us to wonder about Alzheimer’s or some other dementia), & even occasional hallucinations. After she passed away, my father-in-law told us about finding large wads of cash hidden in various places around the house (inside pots & pans, under the nightstand, in the freezer, & other strange places). So what you’ve experienced apparently is not unusual.

 

Your husband has undoubtedly been on an emotional rollercoaster of his own as well. Taking care of you & your family, taking on additional tasks, all while trying to manage his existing responsibilities at work. Also likely that his understanding of what has been happening is limited. The man is probably on the verge of collapse himself.

 

I would speculate that he feels resentful & hurt. These feelings took some time to form, & they will not summarily disappear. You both need a lot of dialogue, & you will may need some 3rd party help doing so. In addition to counseling, perhaps a discussion with your oncologist would help him to a better understanding of what has been occurring with you (the side effects of chemo, etc.).

 

You've been through a lot. Don't give up now.

 

________________________________________________

If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. - Yogi Berra

[Heartsonfire]

I really appreciate your advice. I know he has been through so much and I really don't know how he managed to do it.

 

I have asked him to go to a Marraige Counselor but right now he refuses. I think that would be greatly benefical.

 

Should I just give him space? Should I try talking to him? Right now, I know he's deeply hurting. And I don't know what to do for him.

[Scott S]

The “suitcase” part of your story tells me that the rhetoric notwithstanding, he does not wish to leave at this time. I would consider that a sign that you have not passed the point of no return. A good thing, I believe.

 

Of importance now is that you communicate to him that you love him very much, acknowledge that some regrettable things were spoken in the heat of passion, that you do not wish for him to leave, & that you want to work together to heal your relationship & reconcile.

 

He may not wish to talk right now, so another way would be to write out a letter to him telling him all this, and given to him in an “I love you” Hallmark card.

 

Unfortunately, you cannot compel him to attend marriage counseling if he refuses. You can only say that you wish he would go with you & how much it would mean to you. Unfortunate also is the fact that the more you attempt to force the issue, the greater his resistance would be.

 

That notwithstanding, I still believe that a consultation with your oncologist would give him a far better understanding, & hopefully a softer heart.

 

______________________________________

What if people stopped throwing rice at weddings, and threw potatoes intead?

[Heartsonfire]

Thank you Scott for such a quick reply but maybe in my first post I didn't quit make myself clear. He did eventually leave that night. But I do believe that if I didn't insist on him leaving, he would still be here.

 

He is staying with a friend for now and he says that he will prob. stay there until he knows what he wants to do. Meaning....work it out and coming home or staying seperated and him getting his own place.

 

He hates it when I cry and when I talk to him, that's what happens. I try my hardest not too. And when I try to act happy he says I think everything is hunky dory. So I don't know how to act around him or when I'm on the phone with him.

 

Oh, and one more bad move on my part. This past Saturday, he came over and we had sex. And you know what he said???? He said that he had us figured out. That it's LUST not LOVE we have for each other. WTF? I wanted to sling his a** through a window but I played it cool and didn't say anything. How could he say such a thing?

[Touche]

Scott did give you excellent advice for the long-term. As far as for the short-term here's what I'd do. DO write the card. Tell him that you love him with all your heart and want him to be happy. Tell him that it's for that reason that you're going to step back so he can figure out what he wants. And then DO it. Pull WAY back. Give him his space. He deserves that and has earned it. More than likely he'll be back. But if you push he can only push back as you've already seen.

 

So try that for now. Don't be upset. Be calm and cool with him. You can tell him you miss him but leave it at that, if you do talk to him.

 

Let us know how this goes ok? I sincerely hope it all turns out well. Surely there's a lot of love there for you. No one does all that he's done for you out of pure lust. There's obviously love on his part. I agree with Scott that it sounds like he's having a breakdown of sorts. It's as if he's had to hold it together for so long and now he's just breaking down.

 

So give him that space. Let him come back to you on his own terms when he's ready. And I'd guess that he WILL come back to you. Keep us posted and good luck to you.

[Mz. Pixie]

The first 4 years of marriage was really good. I was happy and I thought he was too. Then in 2002 I was diagnosed with Leukemia. I was put in the hospital and had underwent chemo and a stem cell transplant. I was in remission up untill June of last year when we recieved the news that my cancer was back. I went through more chemo and finally had a bone marrow transplant from an unknown donor in January of this year. I'm home untill I have to go back into the hospital because I get Pheumonia and have to have surgery on my lung cause it colapsed

 

First of all, bless your heart. I'm sorry you're here. You're a survivor! Be proud of yourself.

 

He was such a wonderful husband through all of this. He stayed by my side and was at the hospital every single day and just wouldn't let me give up. He worked and took care of the children. I have 4. Two are from a previous marriage that ended on happy terms by the way. The other 2 are his. He did everything. I couldn't have asked for a better man.

 

It is very stressful for a man to see his wife that sick. I imagine he was hiding alot of his emotions and being strong for you. He might have even been a little resentful of the caretaking he was having to do, but would never say. Undoubtedly you were sick and he probably wasn't getting as much attention from you as he had before.

 

And what did I do? Treat him like total crap. I was moody and emotional and would get angry at every turn. But about a month ago, I started feeling like my old self again. All the medication is out of my system and I feel like Holly again. But it's too late. He comes and tells me that he's not happy and hasn't been for a long time. He say's he loves me but doesn't love me like a husband should. Which by the way, I don't understand.

 

You're not going to like what i have to say. And being how you're sick too I hate to even say it. But I have to be honest with you here. The remarks that he has made to you about how you treated him like crap, and he's too "hurt" to work on the marriage, and how he loves you but not like a husband should?? Those are classic lines that a partner uses when they are having an affair. Seriously. How do I know? Because I said the same things to my exhusband when I was involved in an affair. The SAME things. Most cheaters do. And they think they are original.

 

I tell him that things will be different. That I'm better now. That it's my turn to take care of him. He say's that he's been hurt too much and for so long that he's not willing to take that chance again

 

This is BS. Think about it, he finally has his healthy wife back and he's not willing to try?? Does this make sense to you?? A partner only says this when they are trying to justify their actions.

 

But when he would come home from work, I would go and hug him and try to kiss him on the lips, he would turn his head away

Yup, this is a red flag to me. Especially if you guys had not been having sex while you were ill. He should have been all over that. He's closed his heart to you- because someone else has been meeting his needs.

 

I told him that he could either stay here and get our marriage back on track or he could leave. He kept saying how unhappy he was and that the WHOLE 8 years of marriage was miserable. I get so upset that I go into the house, pull out some luggage and start putting his clothes in them. He comes into the room and asks what am I doing??? I tell him that I love him and I want him to be happy and the only way I know for him to be happy is for him to leave and the least I can do for him is to pack his clothes. He starts putting his clothes back. I truely feel that if I didn't insist on his leaving, that he wouldn't have.

 

You can't see this, but this was a VERY good move I think. This earns his respect. You're not going to allow him to live with you and treat you this way. Actually this is one of the things that James Dobson in "Love must be tough" talks about.

 

When a partner says they are not sure they are willing to work on it what it really means is let me live here and while I'm pursuing my affair partner just in case it doesn't work. Then I can still have you on the side and my family and my affair partner. They do not want to choose. Perhaps he hasn't even crossed the line yet but he's definitely got someone in mind. Someone who he's probably been leaning on while you've been sick. Does he talk about anyone at work??

 

I just know that I love him with every fiber of my being and I want so desperatly to show him that I'm not the same person and that things could and will be better.

 

I'm sure you do. Listen, this is not your fault, despite the fact that he's trying to tell you it is.

 

I know you're not going to believe me, but he is showing all the signs. If you do not want to take my word for it- go to marriagebuilders.com or divorce busters. You can google either and read for yourself there the signs of cheating.

 

If I were you I'd do some investigating. Like of your computer at home. His cell phone records which should be easily attainable. Look for any numbers that show up repeatedly.

 

Once you find evidence then you confront him with it- but NOT before you get it. Before you confront him- you gather your evidence and take it to an attorney and have papers drawn up favorable to YOU. Then when you hit him with the evidence you show him the papers. Tell him that either he get his ass home, cut out contact with the OW and go to marriage counseling or be prepared to get divorced. Whatever you do, do not allow him to try to make it seem like it's all in your head or make excuses. When he tries to do that and turn it back on you as all your fault say "Yes, I know I've made mistakes- and I'm willing to work on them, but not while you're actively engaged in an affair" He's going to deny it and get majorly pissed that you spied on him.

 

I know you're going to tell me it's not possible that he's cheating. I know that you do not want to believe it. But if he's NOT cheating he sure is showing all the classic signs of it and I'll have to eat my hat.

 

You have been through too much and your kids have been through too much to have to endure this now. I'm terribly sorry. Hopefully other posters will weigh in as well to back up what I'm telling you. I believe that you acting quickly could make the difference. That's why you need to start snooping now.

[Scott S]

Thank you Scott for such a quick reply but maybe in my first post I didn't quit make myself clear. He did eventually leave that night. But I do believe that if I didn't insist on him leaving, he would still be here.

 

Apparently I did misunderstand. My apologies.

 

It appears that tensions do remain very high, & some space would do the both of you a lot of good. You both need to cool off first – Your last paragraph tells me that right now neither one of you would be able to engage in a rational discussion. That could have very easily escalated into a contact with law enforcement. You did well by holding your peace.

 

For now, do the card & letter. Write the letter, then put it away, then re-read it a day or two later before sending it to him.

 

_________________________________________

Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel! - Yogi Berra

[Heartsonfire]

Ohhhhh Mz.Pixie! Don't think that I haven't entertained that thought. I even asked him straight up if it was another woman. Of course he said it wasn't. All my G/f's think it's another woman. But here's the thing. First off, he's in Law Enforecement and if the Department ever got a whiff that he was having an affair, they would let him go. They are more worried about their image than anything.

 

Second, he never changed his patterns. He was never late coming home. He didn't change his appearance. No new cologne or clothes, unless I bought them. I think back and he never all of a sudden started talking about a certain person or anything. I checked his cell phone records online and looked at all the incoming/outgoing calls. Nothing.

 

There is nothing there to go along with there being another woman. And I don't know how to spy on him cause he's a freaking cop and is on patrol. So how would I do that? He knows what all my friends cars look like. I know he would catch me.

[Scott S]

Mz. Pixie's posting came through while I was writing mine.

 

I certainly hope that's not the case!

[Heartsonfire]

Scott did give you excellent advice for the long-term. As far as for the short-term here's what I'd do. DO write the card. Tell him that you love him with all your heart and want him to be happy. Tell him that it's for that reason that you're going to step back so he can figure out what he wants. And then DO it. Pull WAY back. Give him his space. He deserves that and has earned it. More than likely he'll be back. But if you push he can only push back as you've already seen.

 

So try that for now. Don't be upset. Be calm and cool with him. You can tell him you miss him but leave it at that, if you do talk to him.

 

Let us know how this goes ok? I sincerely hope it all turns out well. Surely there's a lot of love there for you. No one does all that he's done for you out of pure lust. There's obviously love on his part. I agree with Scott that it sounds like he's having a breakdown of sorts. It's as if he's had to hold it together for so long and now he's just breaking down.

 

So give him that space. Let him come back to you on his own terms when he's ready. And I'd guess that he WILL come back to you. Keep us posted and good luck to you.

 

Thank you very much for your post. I think that I will write him a card. And then I'm gonna give him space. It's gonna be so freaking hard. And I don't even know how to cope what with the holidays coming up and eveything.

 

LoL. That's OK Scott. I hope it's not either.

[Touche]

Thank you very much for your post. I think that I will write him a card. And then I'm gonna give him space. It's gonna be so freaking hard. And I don't even know how to cope what with the holidays coming up and eveything.

 

LoL. That's OK Scott. I hope it's not either.

 

Well, if you can REALLY do this and be calm, i think he could be back by the holidays. You just have to keep your head on straight. Don't cry or beg. Come here when you're feeling lonely or call a friend. You can do this. It's worth it isn't it? I just don't see him not coming back by the holidays.

 

And you're welcome!

[Scott S]

Thank you very much for your post. I think that I will write him a card. And then I'm gonna give him space. It's gonna be so freaking hard. And I don't even know how to cope what with the holidays coming up and eveything.

 

The first Christmas season following my separation/divorce was very difficult. Fortunately, I had family & friends nearby, & found a great deal of solace in their company.

 

In your case, it will likely be as hard on him as on you. Perhaps that will cause him to extend the proverbial olive branch.

[Heartsonfire]

I just want to say Thank you to everyone for all your caring posts. It really means a lot to me.

 

I don't think I'm going to talk to him on the phone tonight when the kids call him. We have talked every night this week and ever time I get off the phone with him, I'm more depressed than ever.

 

Sitting here, talking about this has really helped me so much and I do so appreciate all the advice.

[Touche]

Holly, I'm so glad you feel like you've been helped.

 

I liked your idea of not talking to him when he calls for the kids. That's a very wise decision.

 

I have a good feeling about this one. Just hang in there. It might get tough sometimes and you'll be tempted to cry and beg for him to come home but DON'T do it, ok?

[Scott S]

Happy we could be of assistance. The relative anonyminity of the internet can work for good as well as evil.

 

Perhaps a few days of no-contact will do a lot of good. Time to cool off, & to think about where things are headed.

[Mz. Pixie]

First off, he's in Law Enforecement and if the Department ever got a whiff that he was having an affair, they would let him go. They are more worried about their image than anything

 

I hear what you're saying honey, but there have been men who have lost prominent positions in business, other jobs, homes, possessions, their clergy positions etc over the right piece of tail. When you're involved in affair, you're not even thinking of getting caught!

 

Second, he never changed his patterns. He was never late coming home. He didn't change his appearance. No new cologne or clothes, unless I bought them. I think back and he never all of a sudden started talking about a certain person or anything. I checked his cell phone records online and looked at all the incoming/outgoing calls. Nothing.

 

There is nothing there to go along with there being another woman. And I don't know how to spy on him cause he's a freaking cop and is on patrol. So how would I do that? He knows what all my friends cars look like. I know he would catch me.

 

Many affairs are carried on at work. I had a friend who I thought had the perfect marriage. Her H was a cop and found parked on duty with his affair partner.

 

I'm not saying he's definitely doing it but it seems more than likely. I agree that since he's a cop you can't exactly spy on him. It is just that most people do not leave their marriage without some big thing- like another partner. It does not jive that he would stay with you through all of this and then act like this just as you were getting well.

 

What about one of your girlfriends?? Could they do some checking on the sly on him?? Who is he staying with?? Is he spending time with the kids??

If not, why not?

 

Just so you know, I really really want to be wrong.

[anna13]

you and your family have been through so much , and I am so happy you r health is improving . when you said your husband pulled away when you tried to be affectionate my heart just hurt for you because I completely know how that felt for you because my husband did that to me the first two weeks. my H seperated from me . but now things are improving at aleast for now between us . now i can see that your H not kissing you or not letting you kiss him is not a rejection of you it is more of a self preservation for him . he doesnt want to feel the pain he has been feeling and he does not want to reconnect with you right now because he doesnt want to be hurt or hurt anymore than he has. It is obvious to me from reading your posts that your H does not want to leave you at this time , so this time right now is crucial . basically dont give him any pressure give him some space for himself to think so he can take a break from being strong all the time . all he needs right now is your Love and support. try not to be mad at him for anything for a little while , and try to handle the kids more so he has a break . this isnt your fault , what you went through , that is alot , and i think your illness is what wore him down mostly , he had to stay so strong emotionally for all the kids and for you . i think he just needs his own time . dont take his stand offish attitude too much to heart right now , he probobly like i said , trying to be on guard so that he does not feel more pain than he has already. For him to tell you that he hasnt been happy for a while knowing all that you have been through was probobly the hardest thing that he has ever had to tell you . and the fact that he isnt just taking off to get his own place says that he Loves you greatly. just try to hang in there. come here to vent or whatever you need to do to get you through the day or week . I hope I helped at least a little bit .

[anna13]

Ohhhhh Mz.Pixie! Don't think that I haven't entertained that thought. I even asked him straight up if it was another woman. Of course he said it wasn't. All my G/f's think it's another woman. But here's the thing. First off, he's in Law Enforecement and if the Department ever got a whiff that he was having an affair, they would let him go. They are more worried about their image than anything.

 

Second, he never changed his patterns. He was never late coming home. He didn't change his appearance. No new cologne or clothes, unless I bought them. I think back and he never all of a sudden started talking about a certain person or anything. I checked his cell phone records online and looked at all the incoming/outgoing calls. Nothing.

 

There is nothing there to go along with there being another woman. And I don't know how to spy on him cause he's a freaking cop and is on patrol. So how would I do that? He knows what all my friends cars look like. I know he would catch me.

 

I have to apologize , i went back to read through all the post before i responded . I thought he was staying in the house with you for now. other than that fact I still agree with alot of what i posted. also you should not worry about something that mightnot even be . you have alot on your plate as it is . take it one day at a time . give him some space for now . I know what a shock to the system it is when the H leaves the house, my H got his own place right now. but although it is hard , just give him space and when he calls dont give him any ultimatums right now , i think it is a little early for that . try to keep the conversations positve and take care of yourself too . again sorry about my lack of reading I just wanted to respond right way to what i read in your first post . hang in there , we are here for you.

[Heartsonfire]

Thank you Anna and everyone. It's really so hard to be positive through this. I know, I'm preaching to the Chorus here but all I want to do is beg and plead with him to come home. I haven't done that but everytime I talk to him, that's all I want to say.

 

I felt very strong last night when I didn't talk to him on the phone. But a little later I was miserable! I wanted to hear his voice so bad. And I was hurt that he didn't ask to speak to me. I guess I feel like that if I don't talk to him that he is going to start to forget about me.

 

I bought a card last night. In it I wrote that I loved him and that I want him to be happy so I'm going to give him his space but that I missed him very much. Now, I'm a little nervous about giving it to him when he comes over to pick up the boys for the weekend. What a weiner I am.

 

As for your questions Mz.Pixie, he's staying at a guy friends house. So far, he has wanted the boys every weekend but I told him the other night that I was going to keep them the next weekend. He wanted to know why and I told him that I wanted to do things with them as well. I don't want him to think that I'm trying to keep them from him but every weekend?

 

I have a G/F that works dispatch and when I told her, she almost fell outta her chair. She was like, "Not Kyle"! So she is keeping her ears open.

 

I'm going to spend the night with a G/F tonight. My daughter who is 14 is going to spend the night at a friends house and I really don't want to be in this house alone. I know I'm going to have to eventually but right now I just can't.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm going to spend the night with a G/F tonight. My daughter who is 14 is going to spend the night at a friends house and I really don't want to be in this house alone. I know I'm going to have to eventually but right now I just can't.

 

 

Okay, here is the tricky part. Give him the card, but DO NOT let him know what you're going to do. Dress up and look smoking hot when he comes to pick up the boys. Don't let him know what you're doing, just that you have "plans". If he calls, DO NOT answer your phone. If it's an emergency he'll leave a message and you can call him later.

 

Let him wonder what you're up to! He's still on the fence here, no matter what he's up to, so this may shock him into action.

 

Do not come clean about where you were if he gets upset. Later on if he comes back home and works on the marriage you can fill him in.

[Touche]

Okay, here is the tricky part. Give him the card, but DO NOT let him know what you're going to do. Dress up and look smoking hot when he comes to pick up the boys. Don't let him know what you're doing, just that you have "plans". If he calls, DO NOT answer your phone. If it's an emergency he'll leave a message and you can call him later.

 

Let him wonder what you're up to! He's still on the fence here, no matter what he's up to, so this may shock him into action.

 

Do not come clean about where you were if he gets upset. Later on if he comes back home and works on the marriage you can fill him in.

 

GREAT idea, Pix!

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm starting to blush now Touche.

[Heartsonfire]

I don't know. I mean, I don't want to play games with him. I would hate the thought of him thinking I was heading to a bar or something to pick up some strange.