I can't believe I'm here

[mental_traveller]

Okay, here is the tricky part. Give him the card, but DO NOT let him know what you're going to do. Dress up and look smoking hot when he comes to pick up the boys. Don't let him know what you're doing, just that you have "plans". If he calls, DO NOT answer your phone. If it's an emergency he'll leave a message and you can call him later.

 

Let him wonder what you're up to! He's still on the fence here, no matter what he's up to, so this may shock him into action.

 

Do not come clean about where you were if he gets upset. Later on if he comes back home and works on the marriage you can fill him in.

 

You must be joking. As a man, I can tell you there is no surer way to get him to pack his bags for good than to act like this. Please reread this thread from the start - she is the one who treated him like crap while he was caring for her; she is the one who turfed him out of his own home. First you accuse him of having an affair (which is rich), now you are saying he is not working on the marriage? Seriously, you are so off base here you might as well be on Jupiter.

[mental_traveller]

I don't know. I mean, I don't want to play games with him. I would hate the thought of him thinking I was heading to a bar or something to pick up some strange.

 

That's because you're a decent, honest person whose heart is in the right place (unlike some), and you don't want to play stupid games with the love of your life. Don't listen to the quite frankly terrible advice that you've been given just there.

 

Look, I think your whole problem is you are totally misinterpreting your husband's actions. He is withdrawing because he is hurt like hell by how you acted. He will withdraw further if you say this has upset you, because in his mind (and mine too), it was *you* who caused the hurt. You don't have the right to blame someone for reacting that way, if it was you who made them like that! If you don't like the results, tough **** sister! Excuse my language but I think you get the point

 

That is why he's probably so pissed off and withdrawn. You acted bad to him, and instead of apologising you are getting all offended. You told us you want to make up with him, yet you don't tell him? So he's sat there thinking she doesn't even apologise, doesn't want to make up, doesn't want to make things right, won't even say she loves me. How do you expect he would react? Be smiling and jumping for joy?

 

The fact is, most women are hopeless at interpreting and understanding male responses to emotional hurt. You've got replies on this thread almost entirely from women, most of whom don't have the foggiest idea why your husband is acting the way he is. My advice is - DON'T LISTEN. Follow the good intentions of your heart instead. Swallow your pride and try to make up. Tell him you love him, since that is how you feel. If he doesn't say it back, well boo hoo, that's what you get for acting like a bitch to the guy those few weeks ago when you packed his bags, ok? Keep up the loving wife act and he'll say it eventually, and most likely apologise profusely too - but in his own time, not at your convenience.

 

Really, I don't see this as a broken down marriage at all. I just see a guy hurting like hell, being treated like sh*t, and not knowing what the hell to do about it. Oh, and a woman who hasn't even realised she is doing this to him!

[Touche]

Have you ever tried to get a man back? Then you're not qualified to say what works and what doesn't, do you?

 

Besides, what are you going on and on about? He came back didn't he? So how bad was the advice given, really?

 

Stop projecting. Chill, dude.

[mental_traveller]

Have you ever tried to get a man back? Then you're not qualified to say what works and what doesn't, do you?

 

Besides, what are you going on and on about? He came back didn't he? So how bad was the advice given, really?

 

Stop projecting. Chill, dude.

 

I'm a man - I know what it's like when a woman tries to "get you back". I know how I have reacted, how my friends have reacted and what they told me about it when a woman acted this way or that. I know how men think much better than you or any woman. That qualifies me to speak on the subject.

 

He came back, luckily because his wife read that book and so realised the mistakes she had been making, and also because he most likely does love her even if he didn't say so. If she had followed your advice to let him twist in the wind, let alone Pixie's advice to pretend to be out chasing men, then who knows what had happened? I'm sorry but the fact is that you advised her to act in a cavalier fashion, you practically accused the guy of cheating, you gave quite frankly terrible advice that could have ruined someone's marriage. At the very least, this thread needed an opinion from the other side of the fence before the "all men are cheaters" brigage ran roughshod over all and sundry.

 

If you read the posts made by Lor and guest, you'll see that not everyone shares your view that this guy is a cheating ass who hung his wife out to dry. And apparently neither does the wife in question. So, in the end, who was doing the projecting?

[Touche]

Nope, sorry. No projecting in any way.

 

Sorry we don't agree. The OP did say she appreciated ALL views. No need to tear down others' views. You don't know what works for ALL men in EVERY case now do you?

 

I'll agree to disagree. Will you?

[Mz. Pixie]

You must be joking. As a man, I can tell you there is no surer way to get him to pack his bags for good than to act like this. Please reread this thread from the start - she is the one who treated him like crap while he was caring for her; she is the one who turfed him out of his own home. First you accuse him of having an affair (which is rich), now you are saying he is not working on the marriage? Seriously, you are so off base here you might as well be on Jupiter.

 

Well it's seemed to work for several other people before. Check out divorce busters or google the 180 on marriage builders.

 

She was sick with a terrible DISEASE buddy. This was not her CHOICE, she got sick. This is part of what he stood before God and swore he would do- take care of her in sickness and health. If she were to have been treating him like crap for no apparent reason then that would be another thing. She doesn't deserve this, because she had no control over getting sick or not. He has control over being an ******* now.

 

I am still not convinced myself that there wasn't an affair. Remains to be seen. If there is not HURRAH!!!! I'm thrilled but his actions have all the signs of an affair, especially this "I don't love you it's lust" crap. I stand behind what I said before.

[Heartsonfire]

I just have a couple of objections on what you said mental_traveller.

 

I didn't kick him out. Regardless of whether or not I gave him an ultimatium, he still choose to leave. In the end, it was his decission to get in his car and leave.

 

What woman or man would want their SO to stay when you know they are not happy and claim they weren't happy for the whole entire marriage? And for him to tell me that he loved me but didn't love me like a husband should. WTF? That was 2 slaps in the face.

 

I did tell him that I was SORRY! Too many times to even count.

 

In the end, I was sick and tired of him having control over whether or not to come home. In truth, he had control over me. And I hated not feeling in control over my life. So, I took that control back and told him that I understood his feelings, that I knew he wasn't happy and that infact I wasn't either. I told him that I was getting on with my life, that I hoped he would find happiness within himself some day. I even told him to get speration papers ready and if I agreed with them, I would sign. I told him all this on a Saturday morning and he was back that same night.

 

And yes, I was thrilled to have him home. And we sat down together and told one another what we thought went wrong. We wrote down what we both want and need from this marriage.

 

The way you sound, I should be walking around, kissing his A@@ every second that I get cause of the way I treated him. NOPE. Not going to happen. We are equals. We are now treating each other with respect, love and compassion. We now communicate with each other, something that we didn't do before the blowup.

 

I think that the seperation saved our marriage. If I hadn't taken the measures that I did, we would still be in a miserable situation.

 

But I do appreaciate what you had to say.

[Lor]

We now communicate with each other

 

Ah, the only true way to a lasting relationship!

 

My only piece of advice; learn to appreciate and love one another again like before all this happened ~ the sickness, the separation, the anger.....you've both gotten another chance, don't blow it.