need help!

[lost]

I'm a 32 year old woman with quite a problem. I was married at seventeen when I learned I was pregnant. My ex husband and I had what most people only dream of, unconditional, true love. However, being very young (he was only nineteen) we made some mistakes. After eight years, we grew apart, but still loved each other, no mattter what I tried nothing improved. I thought the best thing to do would be to separate for a while, so we did. This was by far the hardest time of my life and his, emotions ran very high, and we both said and did things we didn't mean. Things went too far for too long and although we both thought eventually we'd get back together, we ended up living with other people. Two years ago, he was re-married. When this happened, I lost all hope, finally, and recently got engaged to the man I've been living with for five yaers. Since then, my ex and I have been talking about our relationship. He has told me he's not in love with his new wife, and married her because she's "a nice girl". He doesn't respect her a whole person. To try to make a long story as short as possible, I'm trying to decide if I should pursue this, or if it really is too late. Both of us have admittted to each other that nothing with anyone else will ever compare to our relationship. Our daughter is doing wonderfully, I'm sure it's because we always put her feelings first, and there has never been any name calling etc. between us in front of her. Now, all four of us get along well, and are renting a house for the season for skiing this winter. My question is, do you think I should pursue this, or are too many other people going to be hurt(his wife, my fiancee). Is having your only true love at two other people's expense too selfish???? HELP!!

[Totally Confused]

The first thing I think you should do is look at your present relationship. It sounds to me that you're marrying your fiancee for the same reason your ex married his present wife. Is that the kind of marriage you really want? I'm sure you'll be good to him if you marry him, because you sound like a very mature and responsible person, but will you be happy? I would maybe consider putting off the wedding, until you are sure that he is the only one you want. It wouldn't be fair to him or to yourself.

 

Now your ex husband is re-married. Moralistically, you should not get involved while he is married. That would be the wrong thing to do. You will be hurting everyone around you, if you approach it from that angle. I think you and your ex need to sit down and talk about what you two are feeling. Then I think you need to sit down and talk to your fiancee and his wife and let them know what you two are feeling. I know it's a hard thing to do, because that will kill them, but it's really the only way. If you hide an affair and are dishonest and deceitful, everyone is going to get hurt in the end and you and your ex will feel guilty. That in itself would effect your reunion with each other. You don't want to be together knowing you've hurt two other people with lies and dishonesty.

 

Personally, I think you and your ex belong together. I know he has made a vow to another woman, but that vow had been made to you first. You've been through so much and you share a child. (I hope he doesn't have children with his new wife, because that would complicate everything. I also repect the fact that you put your child first - that's very comendable.) You grew apart from your ex-hubby for a while, so you had no other choice but to seperate. Now it seems that you two have realized that you are the only ones you've ever really loved. Unfortunately, two other people have gotten involved in this. I feel bad for your ex-hubby's present wife, because she's married to a man that isn't in love with her. But that's where there can be confusion for him. Should he stay with her, because he made a committment or should he leave her so she can find someone else who will be in love with her and isn't in love with someone else. Which is the right answer? That's up to all the people involved to decide. Just be honest with everyone involved. Good luck.

[lost]

The first thing I think you should do is look at your present relationship. It sounds to me that you're marrying your fiancee for the same reason your ex married his present wife. Is that the kind of marriage you really want? I'm sure you'll be good to him if you marry him, because you sound like a very mature and responsible person, but will you be happy? I would maybe consider putting off the wedding, until you are sure that he is the only one you want. It wouldn't be fair to him or to yourself. Now your ex husband is re-married. Moralistically, you should not get involved while he is married. That would be the wrong thing to do. You will be hurting everyone around you, if you approach it from that angle. I think you and your ex need to sit down and talk about what you two are feeling. Then I think you need to sit down and talk to your fiancee and his wife and let them know what you two are feeling. I know it's a hard thing to do, because that will kill them, but it's really the only way. If you hide an affair and are dishonest and deceitful, everyone is going to get hurt in the end and you and your ex will feel guilty. That in itself would effect your reunion with each other. You don't want to be together knowing you've hurt two other people with lies and dishonesty.

 

Personally, I think you and your ex belong together. I know he has made a vow to another woman, but that vow had been made to you first. You've been through so much and you share a child. (I hope he doesn't have children with his new wife, because that would complicate everything. I also repect the fact that you put your child first - that's very comendable.) You grew apart from your ex-hubby for a while, so you had no other choice but to seperate. Now it seems that you two have realized that you are the only ones you've ever really loved. Unfortunately, two other people have gotten involved in this. I feel bad for your ex-hubby's present wife, because she's married to a man that isn't in love with her. But that's where there can be confusion for him. Should he stay with her, because he made a committment or should he leave her so she can find someone else who will be in love with her and isn't in love with someone else. Which is the right answer? That's up to all the people involved to decide. Just be honest with everyone involved. Good luck.

Dear totally confused,

 

Thanks for your input. It's nice to hear another concientious person's opinion. My ex and I would never consider an affair. We simply are not capable of being that cruel to the others involved. You are right about my engagement, I do love this person, butt not the way I do my first husband! I feel guilty about that also. I have talked to my fiancee about it, and we are not planning to be married for at least another year, if it happens. I guess my question is, do you think it would be too selfish for my ex and I to continue to talk this way?? I know eventually what will happen if we continue, and that is, we'll leave the other people (first) and become involved again. I feel especially bad for his wife!! She's already been divorced twice and she's only 32!!! She doesn't have the resources to support herself, she's not qualified for any job much above minimum wage and receives no alimony from either ex hubby. She's a bit on the desperate side. She's aware we are talking, and has an idea where things may go. She's very afraid, and is clinging for dear life!! It makes me feel horrible!!!!! However, my ex and I have quite a history that began long before she was in the picture, and she's aware that he doesn't feel the same about her as he does me. Thank god they don't have kids now, but I'm afraid she may purposely become pregnant to try to keep him (as I said, she's desparate!) Anyway, thank you so much for your insight

[Totally Confused]

You and your ex need to talk in that way. You two need to find out what you two are really feeling. You don't want to make a mistake and jump into something that you realize in the end was not the right move. Yes you two love each other, but so much has happened since your divorce. By talking, you'll get a clearer understanding of what you two feel and it will help you make the right decision.

 

As far as his present wife is concerned. It doesn't sound like he'll just leave her out in the cold. If he was to leave her, I'm sure he'll help her out, if she'll accept his help. It's just not fair of him to stay with someone he doesn't love. I know this is her third marriage, but do you think that maybe she isn't in love with your ex either and she just married him because she was desperate for someone to take care of her? It may not be true, but could it be a possibility? Not to say she doesn't care about him, but just desperate to be taken care of. Maybe you and your ex could also encourage her to try to find a skill and maybe take some secretarial courses. It sounds like this could be a growing experience for her too. Maybe she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.

 

I just don't like to see two people in true-love and not together. I find marriage sacred, but is it really a marriage, if there isn't true love. Then it becomes only a piece of paper from the state that says you are husband and wife. Don't worry, you and your ex, just continue to talk and come to a decision together. Let's just hope the present wife doesn't get pregnant. If she is desperate, then she may try. I don't know if that would be enough to keep him though, remember you also have a child with him too. And if she does have a child, he won't abandon it.

 

Time in this case, is on your side. As time passes, the answer will become clearer to both of you. People will as I've said, get hurt, but at least you two are being truthful and honest about everything. I really hope it works out for you.